As teh real football is about to start. HOWEVAH we have the lesser footy starting as well which I know doesn’t concern many of you but perhaps if your small humans have you up early on Saturday mornings you will need to know all of this! Just like last year I am here to provide a complete half assed, biased English Premier League preview. It will be different this year I tell you! No, not the top of the table, that will stay pretty much the same. It is that I have Toffee supporter and lesser footy luminary King Hippo to give me his 2 pence. It once again will be done in 2 parts as I am not previewing 20 clubs at once as that would be a lot of work. If you are aware of my lifestyle  you would know I am a stoner, and therefore 20 clubs is too much. I will first get this off my chest, I am very disappointed that the club I support lost to Reading in the Championship playoffs to be promoted. Fulham plays a style that is high risk and high reward which is fun to watch when you are fighting for your life at the bottom of the table. Sadly I will now have to search the interwebs for my clubs matches and infest my computer with viruses.

On to the previews!

Note: We were most certainly impaired while writing this so take that as you will.

ARSENAL – North London

The Gunners have a new mana, wait, they didn’t send Wenger walking? Sooo they are going to play for 4th as usual? Hey they got a trophy already this season you say. Yes, but it was the Community Shield and that means a whole boatload of nothing. They did beat Chelsea which warms my black heart, and it was in penalties which everyone loves… They didn’t sell Sanchez which is another head scratcher for me as he has a year left on his contract and he hasn’t committed to a new contract so he can walk at the end of the season. That being said if Wenger gets the boot after another middling season why the hell does he care if Sanchez walks? The Gunners have not been too busy in the transfer window so I will just leave it at that.

[KH: Bastards broke my heart by dangling Olivier Giroud – who the Toffees desperately need and will rot on the Arsehole bench – in the shop window, only to yank him right back.  They can fuck right off and finish 7th.]

LC Prediction- 4th because of course.

A.F.C. BOURNEMOUTH – Bournemouth, Dorset

The Cherries (heh) finished 9th last year which is an incredible result. Without looking it up I can not name a single player, or their manager for that matter. I have a soft spot for them however because they are very similiar to Fulham and that is what rules me. They are owned by a Russian ‘Businessman” who probably has applied to be a member of DFO but our internet dad has a thing against Russians and escoUrts for that matter. Hey, hey Jermaine Defoe has signed up this year on a free.  [KH: Bell, Biv, Defoe.  Now ya know.  Yeah, I gots nothing here neither.]  Obviously he didn’t want to go down to the Championship so I do know 1 player on the Cherries. They also paid Chelsea for Nathan Ake in a big splash for such a small club. I do think they will fall back a bit because with their budget you can only stay up for so long.

LC Prediction – Relegation battlers but probably safe

Brighton & Hove Albion F.C– Brighton & Hove, East Sussex

The Seagulls came up automatically from the Championship last year, their 1st time in the top tier for 34 years. They have had more guys leave than come in and for a promoted team that is not a good sign. That almost signals that they are doomed to struggle. They just signed a 21 year old right back from Viktoria Plzen Ales Mateju which is great, I guess. Brighton is a great seaside party town, I imagine the Jersey Shore being like it. Brighton’s waterfront is very tacky and you used to get a lot of stag and stagettes their until the cheap airlines came to power and could fly you anywhere for 10 pounds. I feel they will score enough to stay up as their goal differential was fantastic lat year in the Championship.

[KH: Can the Premiership handle SO MUCH Albion at one time?  Fuck me, it would be the tits to see West Brom go down, wouldn’t it?] Yes. Both can beat it.

LC Prediction – Just above the relegation zone

Burnley F.C. – Burnley, Lancashire

How the hell are the Clarets still up??? They are the epitome of yo-yo club and they stayed up last year and this year they are destined to go down. They sold Micheal Keane to Everton for 30 mill and so they have their TV money, that fee, and soon their parachute payment when they go down.

[KH: Thanks FOAR Keane, he good.  Too bad you didn’t have any strikers to hand over.  Signed, one bitter goddamned blue.]

LC Prediction – Relegated.

Chelsea F.C – West London

Stamford Bridge isn’t in Chelsea, it is in Fulham. They won last year with their new head man Conte who looks like a guy I would love to split a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes with. If I spoke Italian I would love to sit on a patio with Conte, Buffon, and Pirlo. That would be a bloody good time IMO. The Blues brought in Morata from Real Madrid, so from evil to evil which seems about right. Matic left to go play for Man U which also is considered an evil to evil move. Does Diego Costa even still play there? It seems like he is rumoUred to be leaving, is it China, India, Spain, Rand McNally? The Blues are always at the top as their owner Roman wouldn’t have it any other way, Chelsea is clearly his favoUrite toy after help dismantle the Soviet Union, or is it his boat? They will have a congested fixture list but are such a deep club that it really shouldn’t be a problem. They will make the final 16 in the Champions League and will not have any worries finishing in the top 4 of the EPL. I do not think that they will repeat as that is a very difficult thing to do and especially with how may matches they will have to play in all competitions.

[KH: Yeah, I could see them focusing on a different challenge this season.  I think management pissing off Conte and finishing 2nd in the Lukaku sweepstakes will end up hurting them quite a bit.  But they will do quite well in Europe (for a change for English sides) and I think Batshuayi could break through if they actually play him.  REALLY wanted him at Everton as part of a Lukaku deal, damn it.]

LC Prediction- Top 4 in England and Quarterfinal in Champions League.

Crystal Palace F.C. – Southeast London

Palace finished 14th last year when it seemed like they were doomed for relegation. Their new manager is Frank de Boer of former Barcelona and Ajax fame who replaced Big Sam Allardyce who saved them from the drop zone. The Eagles are one of those teams that just hangs around the bottom half of the table and flirt with relegation every year. A couple familiar faces remain in Steve Mandanda in goal as well as countryman Loic Remy who I have to admit that I did not know he was there. The Benteke brothers are up front and Christian has to be one of the most frustrating strikers that I have ever watched. I think that they will be mid table and keep the quota of London teams in the prem.

[KH: Benteke is rumoured to Everton as a Giroud alternative, and this makes me strongly consider seppuku.  More than usual, even.]  Oh yeah I don’t even want him at Fulham.

LC Prediction- Mid table

Everton– Liverpool (the nicer part)

I am not going to say much here and cede the floor to the true supporter King Hippo. I will say that when I visited Goodison Park it was very nice and there definitely is a border between Liverpool and Everton Supporters. The Toffees have been in the top flight for over 100 years so you know if you support them you will never have to deal with relegation like the club I support. I think they will qualify for the Europa League as they will finish right below the far richer clubs.

[KH: Everton DID score the transfer coup of the window by signing Sandro for his pittance of a release clause (thanks to Atletico’s transfer ban being upheld), that dude is pure lightning on the pitch, and keeps me from being complete suicide watch as Lukaku is gone and Barkley will surely join him.  New lead CB Michael Keane and keeper Jordan Pickford also merit A grades, and Ajax’ Danny Klaassen (fun FOAR spell check) should contribute once he settles in.  Unfortunately, the good work is buried by the stupid hype over the sentimental signing of Wayne Rooney, and without bringing in a true striker (and closing the deal for Swans’ Gylfi Sigurdsson), he’s being asked to play too many minutes and play a role he can’t really handle anymore – which is fair to nobody.  With a murderous slate of opening fixtures, bracketed by a Europa playoff round trip to fucking Croatia in the middle, the Blues don’t have the luxury of a settling in period.] 

Hippo, you didn’t mention Rooney coming back but whatever. Just never forget.

LC Prediction: Europa League spot, and maddening frustration for Hippo

[I want to say Top 6, within spitting distance of 4th but based on what I see so far…SIGH]

Huddersfield Town A.F.C. – Huddersfield, West Yorkshire

Another promoted club that plays incredibly boring football and will be rejoining the Championship next year. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN FULHAM WHO WAS PROMOTED!!!! They have a bunch of guys that I do not recognise and I hope they lose every game.

[KH: yo-yo team personified, they won’t even fookin’ try.]

LC Prediction: Relegated by Christmas

Leicester City F.C. – Leicester

What a roller coaster year they had last year, they looked doomed for relegation but finished 12th after a head scratching managerial change. Foxy footy played so well in the Champions League I was rooting for them to provide the futbol world another shock. Well, Vardy is still here, as is Mahrez but I have been reading that Danny Drinkwater is rumoUred to be on his way to greener pastures. They brought in Ihenacho from Man City and I always have had a soft spot for corn chips and cheese. I think that they will have a better season than last and compete for the Europa League position with the Toffees.

[KH: I am quite jelly about the Ihenacho thing.  Could deffo see Foxy Footy making another run at pseudo-glory.]

LC Prediction – 6 to 10th.

Liverpool FC– Liverpool obv.

The Reds have a huge fanbase that is annoying as hell as they play the victim role as they aren’t as big as the big 4 and Tottenham having ascended to compete every year. No, shut up and realise your managerial and transfer moves have been garbage and you have finished where you deserve. They have righted the ship with Klopp as manager but I just can’t get past how irritating their fans are. Owned by the Fenway group the owners are even entitled assholes. I have a lot of close friends that are Reds supporters and the texts and emails never cease about a minor injury or if they beat Watford 1-0 “We’re back baby” etc.

[KH: I only refer to them as the Shite or Redshite for a reason.  Vile bunch of whiny fuckers, just like their annoying sideline prima donna manager.  It was hilarious watching them sabotage themselves against bottom half of the Table sides last year, and this year they will no doubt fool themselves into thinking they can actually contend in Europe.]

LC Prediction: They will qualify for the Champions League and finish 5th in the league.

Enjoy the games and see you next week.

[KH: As for the fixtures, I naturally suggest sleeping through the Redshite, then watching Everton hosting the mutants of Stoke (10:00 EST, CNBC), followed by fookin’ Brighton & Hove getting their likely one and only big NBC spotlight dance, hosting Man City at 12:30.  Sunday’s NBCSN brunch double dip could (and later, will) suck worse, with Barcodes/Spurs at 8:25, followed by the Bubble Boys floating into Old Trafford at 10:55.  Nobody knows who’s really settled/any good yet, so enjoy some entropy and just be glad to watch SOMMET that ain’t el beisbol FFS.]