Though somehow the fifth sixth fifth a top ten most populous American city, Phoenix is yet to produce a Boots on the Ground feature for [DFO]. Can you believe this? I mean, San Diego has one and I’m pretty sure they don’t even have a team! So I wanted to use 2017 Preseason Week 1 to invite you all to experience the charm, the grace, the civility, and the value that is an Arizona Cardinals home game.

The Place

Formally known as University of Phoenix Stadium, this $455 million facility is best known as Fake College Stadium (FCS) due to the reputation of the online education company that acquired 20 year naming rights after construction was completed in 2006.

Currently eleven years into the deal, University of Phoenix is terminating the rights deal early, citing financial concerns of their parent company, Apollo Education Groups. The expected replacement is one of the local indian hotel-casinos because, frankly, they’re just buying up naming rights to everything around here.

Now, while it’s a great facility to have in town — it has hosted events from Super Bowls to Final Fours to RV Shows — the Cardinals (or even Phoenix)-specific feel of the place is generic. That is to say, it’s a lot of concrete and a lot of red seats; everything else is, well, what keeps this place off your stadiums-to-visit bucket list.

You’ll recall from Beerguyron’s Seahawks piece, the food/dining options at Qwest Stadium were reflective of the foodie culture of Seattle. I also remember attending a Mariners game some years back and being impressed by the consumption offerings there as well (food, not on-field product). Not so here in the desert. I won’t even bother with a photo but it’s the same old $6.50 hot dogs, $4 pretzels, and $10 tallboys of Bud/Bud Light/Coors Light. The saving grace (to be generous) is that AB-InBev acquired local microbrewery Four Peaks a few years back so now you can overpay for their products at FCS.

My hope is that, as millenials ruin everything, their influence will eventually carry over to ballparks and force them to offer less $3 churros and more $18 avocado toasts. It’s worked at the airport already so I’m holding out hope.

The Opponent
I find the NFL gameday experience to be long, expensive, and generally unfulfilling. I’ve been to FCS for the Cardinals first home playoff game there in 2008 and that place got loud. I’ve also been there for random regular season games and, frankly, I could stand to have those six hour stints of my life back. It’s about a 20 minute Uber to near the stadium (45 minutes if you are parking there), hoofing it in, the game, and then battling traffic out. So, add to this the lethargy of preseason football expectations and there’s no way I’m signing up for this live event except for exactly one visiting team.

Now, just to taper expectations a bit, this is preseason. So, while there was all the requisite face painting and Jerry Rice jerseys, the fact that the game didn’t matter was clearly affecting the crowd. In fact, I’m pretty sure I saw zero fights — and we were sitting in the rafters!

But my buddy Petie, who did some time in the bay there, wanted to go and I figured it was a good opportunity to people watch. Plus, I was hoping to get at least a carry for Lynch and one AC/DC connection. Spoiler: neither of these happened as OAK’s stars watched the entire game safely from the bench so the highlight of the game was Beast Mode sitting during the National Anthem.

On the kneeling note, and I don’t know if players could get this option but I think the NFL should explore it if these protests continue, I haven’t stood for the National Anthem since returning from Afghanistan in 2005. However, rather than dealing with people giving me the stink eye for staying seated (while they just all talk, wear hats, play on their phones anyways), I just use the Anthem as an opportunity to hit the pisser. I think it’d be wise to let players be back in the locker room/tunnel (without a camera) during the Anthem and then, if they want to kneel, fine the shit out of them.

Just one Virginia militiaman veteran’s thoughts.

The Fans

So, walking to the stadium (and I didn’t think to get a photo) I saw a young white man in an Aaron Hernandez jersey. I have no fucking idea what statement this asshole was trying to make but I hope he got his ass kicked for wearing the prison-bottom’s cheating uniform. You know, fuck it, after the events of this weekend let’s just call people who wear Patriots jerseys exactly what they are: Nazis.

Okay, moving on…

If there is one thing Cardinals fans love, it’s the black alternate jerseys. I mean, if there’s one thing after Pat Tillman jerseys that Cardinals fans love…

it’s the black alternate jerseys/tees.

So there was a lot of black in the stands.

And the concourse.

Etcetera etcetera….

The Game

You got me. Palmer drove the offense down the field on the first possession for a touchdown and the most hope I saw for this team was that they twice threw into PI calls. This was a staple of the successful 2015 team so it’s encouraging to see our bread and butter coming back. David Johnson got his few touches and then came off the field in good health. So, A- (Palmer overthrew a play-action TD pass to Jaron Brown) for the first team offense.

Perpetual character issues questions mark Robert Nkemdiche played well, which is encouraging. Against only EJ Manuel and second-stringers, the defense didn’t play poorly so that’s a positive. On that note, Manuel has a pretty good arm. Also, Mathieu didn’t get hurt yet so you’re all probably still alive in your Honey Badger Season-Ending Injury Pools.

BLAINE GABBERT….went 5 of 9 for 53 yards, a should-have-been-picked overthrow, and took four sacks. It looks like Drew Stanton will maintain his hold as the backup in ARI. It’s not my general area of expertise but I thought I’d share that little fantasy football tidbit for those of you who read this far.

Arizona, noted for its terrible special teams play last season, blocked a field goal and hit all their kicks. Wow — the things that we try to give a shit about in the preseason.

Anyways, in the mood for some real food and my high wearing off, we left in the 4th where we passed two security guards explaining to a guy (who I assume was a metal detector rep) some issues they were having with the equipment. I quipped that, with the Raiders being in town, those things probably went through ten years worth of wear and tear in one afternoon. Surprisingly, the rep thought it was funny but the Cardinals security did not.

So there you have it; a preview of Super Bowl L2.