[pulls pants up hastily] Hey, what’s going on guys/gals? Beardguyrob is otherwise engaged-don’t let the laundry get backed up, just throw a load in every morning, amirite?-so I thought I’d toss up a thread that addresses your most serious concerns. Yeah, that’s right I’m gonna say some crap about yesterday’s games and then preview the two on offer today. Here goes…
-Jaylon Smith (last year’s nerve-damaged second round pick for the Cowboys) finally made it back onto the field and tackled a guy or two.
-Derek Carr played for the first time since week 16 of last year and threw 2 TD’s on only nine passes. Raiders dreams of a deeper run in the playoffs begin anew.
-Marshawn lugged the ball twice after literally coming off the bench.
-Mitchell “Truth Biscuit” Trubinsky went a “fawking ahsome” 6-8 for 60 yards against 2nd, 3rd and 4th-team-ers. I don’t have to wander into the desperate mire of a Bears fan board to know that the call for him to be thrown into the fray now is jet engine-loud. It doesn’t help that the starting giraffeback is struggling.
-Paxton Lynch threw for an Alex Smith-like 3 yards per completion. Folks around the net have anointed Siemian the hands-down starter until 30 seconds after his next interception.
-Kirk Cousins turned 29 yesterday!
-Christian McCaffrey is one speedy little mother-lover.
-Another Christian, this one of the Hackenberg variety, commandeered the Jets new-look “Infinite Punts Offense”.
TO THE GAMES!
Chokers/Stillers: (4pm) Antonio Brown is nowhere to be found but Darrius Heyward-Bey is still in the league. We’ll get a look at T.J. “Two Sack” Watt who I have no doubt had the living shit kicked out of him on a daily basis by his older bro when he was growing up. Joshua “Route Tree” Dobbs hopes to start over again after last week’s struggles. Also making an appearance should be Hodgkins Lymphoma conquerer James Conner, son of Sarah and John. Skynet is giving 3-1 odds in this timeline that he wins the rb spot behind Bell. As for the Falcons, I like their backfield of Freeman, Coleman and Ward quite a bit.
Saints/Helmet Clippers: (8pm) Nassib, Grayson. Grayson, Nassib. Which pretend football slinger will have the job of patting Brees on the shoulder pads after the latter throws a TD? That’s like 35-40 times a year you’ll have to haul your carcass up from the bench. The things people have to do for a high six figure/low seven figure paycheck… Pour something out for the Saints third-dary that consists of the likes of Crawley, Bell, Banjo, Lattimore, Williams and Vaccarro. Injuries devastated them last year to the point where a street urchin was one of their starting cb’s. He was cut after requesting more gruel. Things aren’t much different this year what with top corner Breaux out for at least a third of the season. Hopefully we’ll get a quick peak at Chargers wr Allen who is returning after a knee ka-blooey. Their D gave up 4 rushing TD’s last week and faces AP, Ingram and rook Alvin Kamara. Best of luck fellas.
There you have it. Done. Now let’s get some drink in our bellies.
Important Life Lesson: When researching hotel locations, please be sure that there is a casino nearby or in the state or absent that something to do other than drive around.
selling plasma is a great way to meet locals in the community ,, ppl forget that
Yes, but I have to drive home on Tuesday after the sun reappears and the highways are clear. If I donate blood or plasma, I’m afraid I’ll go the wrong way on the highway and reach the Gulf of Mexico.
(slurring and drooling): Holy shit, it must have rained like crazy. The river looks so flooded.
TRUE DAT
– Jim Tomsula, Tomsula’s Life Pro Tips
another DFO book and/or film that needs to happen!
With all the lawyers and L.A. people here, we should get right on the former at least.
Kevin Sumlin – “It’s awesome TAMU changed it’s mind about that on-campus white power rally. Probably pretty shitty FOAR recruiting if u think about it.”
Greetings, dickbags. Falcons managed to steal defeat from the jaws of victory (again), Heinz Field actually developed a decent craft beer selection, and Lil’ WCS is running a fever.
and the only cure is…MOAR Stiller pre-season action??
No, to cure him he must endure the trial of Megatron’s Giant Sphincter
Anquan Boldin was the first NFL jersey I owned. When I was deployed, my brother’s buddy had left it at our house then never came around so I appropriated it.
BUF might surprise us and beat out the JETS for the #1 pick.
I was expecting a bloodier story. smgdh
You got to love the announcers trying to sell this shit hole temporary stadium as a nice place to visit.
Hey, there’s a really big IKEA nearby!
YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ku0wahRdayU
He has the look of unprepared anus foreboding and fear.
Eek.
*Monkey speak for Ook.
The expression on her face.
The Chargers giving away free Hep C had to be the saddest, most desperate promotion ever.
Never get the burrito special at Ted’s Lunch Emporium.
duodenum spasms don’t lie
Apparently, Alexa Bliss developed cloning tech while we weren’t watching.
https://twitter.com/totaldivaseps/status/899416717859934209
Five feet of UNGGGGGHHHHH!
Maybe Kim Jon UNe hates crickets as much as I do right now and he’s just been looking for an excuse to launch his nukes and wipe them all out in the process. A trecimated population for no more annoying chirping: it would be worth it.
There was a mini famine that was caused in China because Mao hated Sparrows. It caused major crop failures because the Chinese slaughtered so many sparrows which allowed the problematic insect species to just explode in population.
This Mao guy, he have a newsletter or a little book I can subscribe to?
Though with any luck, we’ll get the Wrestle Kingdom 8 entrance variation
Shinsuke going for the WWE Title tonight. Entrance is gonna be lit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8izXHKZSXw
The Yinzers/Sherman’s Ashes tilt switched to “A Football Life” reruns at halftime for some weird reason, so I am stuck watching Dirt Stillers/Birdos in the Marc Trestman Masturbatorium Classic.
Really? Why didn’t mine switch? I wish it had.
just a cable snafu, and satellite ok?
Not sure I’d say it’s OK, but yeah, NFLN on DirecTV still has the game going live, in spite of announcer stoopid.
I really hate it when I know the rules more than the announcers.
I’ve been yelling “IT WAS TIPPED, IT WAS TIPPED…NAWT A SAFETY!!!”
Jeebus.
Holy fucking shit….they’re still saying it should have been a safety.
Stillers need to hire new announcers. Or give these guys a fucking rulebook.
Now I’m really going to go catch up on Snowfall.
My facebook memory thing is showing me the NFL preseason from 2012. Football comedy needs another Replacement Refs season.
Ah yes, the game that directly led to the Seahawks landing in my top five Most Hated Teams list. Never forgive, never forget.
With the death of Jerry Lewis, this may the closest we may ever get to them releasing the infamous “The Day the Clown Cried”.
I am betting its not nearly has bad as people make it out to be. I wouldn’t be surprised if its on par with “Life is Beautiful”.
I’m bored. I think Imma go get caught up on Snowfall.
See ya’s a little later.
I think Heinz should give away free sauces nationwide if the Stillers ever manage to score 57 points.
[great promotion]
[minimal financial risk]
Maybe a combined score w/Steelers win?
Made carne asada and Mexican rice pudding both for the first time. Everything is so good. The rice pudding came out less “pudding” and more “thick soup” consistency, but holy shit is it delicious. Gonna have to figure out what I did to fuck up the thickness for the next time. I think I made the mistake of cooking the rice like I’d normally cook rice and left it covered while cooking it.
Matt “WE’VE GOT” Bush just mashed the side of his head into Joey Gallo’s face! Gallo : Out.
Bush : ?
Update: Bush out too. (PHRASING!)
No. CALLO. CALLO.
Half watching the game, half daydreaming about setting the house of my neighbors (who are throwing a party with a full DJ setup for the 748th weekend in a row) on fire.
Might just go find a bar or something to watch meaningless football in.
On a Sunday? Who the fuck are these people?
The kind of people that hire a full on mariachi band to play in their front yard.
Ah.
Maxercans….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kP362OJaEo
Kill it with fire!
Damn worthless non-looping Twittygif!
It runs once on each refresh. Weird.
But I got the joke.
Dangit, I was hoping they’d forget to play the 2nd half.
Looks like all the empty Ketchup seats feel the same way.
Granted, I’m not paying close attention.
But did they just say Atlanta was a Superb Owl Champion?
I’m all for vacating NE’s 2016 season. That team and their fans are nothing but a bunch of nazis.
I really wanna make a joke about….
Well, never mind. I already know I’m not funny even when I think I am.
The “pervy cameraman” has a particularly challenging job when working a Stillers home fixture.
“Catch the ball first before you turn upfield Conner.”
-Skynet
come with me if you want to drop an easy 3rd down conversion
I *just* got this.
/jeezzus!
ARI baseball down 12-4 in the third. Still hate the Dodgers.
Nice thing about Most Glorious el beisbol Cardinals missing the playoffs – get to miss being buttfucked in 4 games by Los Dodgeros.
Who got that last sack?
He was just Anthony Chickillo, everywhere he goes, people know the part he’s playing.
Frida Kahlo exhibit is in town. It’s been here months but, apparently, we are the only North American stop on the tour so it’s been blowing up (actually extended to 9/5).
I’m heading down Wednesday morning. I figure all the normal art fans will still be passed out from the Trump rally the night before so I should be good.
Kahlo huh? Does everyone know the part she’s playing?
Cubs and Blue Jays tied at trois.
Why do Orioles’ announcers feel the need to tell me how nice Bud Norris’ (Angels’ closer) parents are?
Are they really that starved for material?
[Steelers O-line open up a huge hole between the tackles]
Giants Fan:[sighs] “I wonder what that would be like…”
Pat’s fan: ASK YO MOTHA
I was wondering about the 10am window yesterday, so I Googled and found this disgusting answer:
https://royalbluemersey.sbnation.com/2017/6/27/15881034/nbc-extra-time-live-stream-premier-league-pass-united-states-everton-chelsea-arsenal-manchester-2017
Go Fuck Yourself, NBC
Falcons tight end Griswold is back from vacation.
Hehe.
The Outback Steakhouse shows a juicy rare steak being cut. It’s like they think they’re a real steakhouse.
“I said well-done, and butterflied!!”
– Hippo’s oldest kid
/no, we don’t often eat in same restaurant no more
You were more than justified to divorce your kid’s mother on just this info alone.
Watched the ARI/CHI highlights today. Blaine Gabbert threw a nice ball to score a td on the 4Q drive, to go down just one point. As ARI lined up for two, I thought, “shit – Gabbert might have some skills. I know it’s preseason against 2s/3s but that was “an NFL play.”
Gabbert then proceeds to limp-wrist the two point conversion, tossing an uncatchable incomplete about 13′ from the WR.
A hearty hello to you, Seamus!
A Laurel and Hardy hello to you as well, good sir.
Goddammit! I wanted to say that the first team Falcons would walk down the field and score. Wish I had the balls.
Shit, I could have told you that…
This open thread was so full of awesome phrases. I’m going to incorporate third-dary into my vocabulary.
Joshua Dobbs-Smeagle or Dobby. Discuss.
Isn’t Dobby a character from Lord of the Rings?
Or was it Harry Potter?
Harry Potter. House elf.
No, but Smeagol was.
Don’t forget SummerSlam where there’s at least a 35% chance roid rage will kick in and Lesnar will forget he’s not in a UFC match and attempt to murder a fellow human being.
Is it wrong that his obvious steroid abuse makes him seem like an entirely awful person who I’d rather see die in the ring because of said drugs?
I mean, he’s always been an awful person. Just happens to be an awful person who occasionally shoot punches wrestlers in the mouth so it’s a must watch.
http://beneaththemat.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/CenaBrockbrawl.jpg
He did that with John Cena a few years ago. WWE just went with it.
I am fighting to stay awake.
I’m punching Dan Quinn in the face.
GO STILLER REPLACEMENT JOBBERS