The​ ​2017​ ​Jacksonville​ ​Jaguars​ ​Team Preview:​ ​A​ ​franchise​ ​misunderestimated

 

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We begin with a simple quiz:

How many of these players are still active on the jaguars roster? I’ll give you a minute to go through it….

  • Braden Albert
  • Toby Gerhart
  • Julius Thomas
  • Luke Joeckel
  • Maurice Jones-Drew
  • Chris Clemons
  • Marcus Stroud
  • Marquis Cooper
  • Brandon Marshall
  • Josh Scobee
  • Blaine Gabbert
  • Ziggy Hood
  • Dan Connolly
  • Zach Miller
  • Mike Sims-Walker
  • Roman Reigns

If you guessed that half of them are with the team you’d be wrong. If you guessed that more than four of them were still with the team, you’d be wrong. If you guessed any of them were active, you’d be wrong.

Hello folks, welcome to Brocky’s expert preview of the Jacksonville Jaguars. A team I know next to nothing about, and with some help, you can know next to nothing about them too!

The jaguars joined the league in 1995, forever confusing the occasional football viewer who simply had never heard of the team. The team had surprisingly early success, going to the afc championship game twice in their first 4 years. Coached by Tom Coughlin, The 1999 team would go a franchise best 14-2, only to become the only team to get beat 3 times in a season by Jeff Fisher.

Years passed, after Coughlin’s firing after the 2002 season, and after a relatively average tenure by coach Jack Del Rio, The Jaguars were sold to Shahid Khan, the man with the sweetest moustache in the NFL, who for all the world looks like a middle eastern Ron Jeremy

and the Jags have had 5 coaches in 7 years, and the record to go along with it. How quickly fortunes change. I personally blame the teal tongue in the logo, that shit is weird:

Photo courtesy jaguars.com

Why do I bring up this abridged history? Well, it’s just the bizarre part of the jaguars: they always seemed destined to be a consistently below average team even when they were supposedly good. Their players are forgettable, their accomplishments lost to time. For the next 20 years, the jaguars already seem to have 2 games already on their schedule: 1 london game, 1 thursday night game, and absolutely no playoff games.

You look at the NFL’s other bad teams, they at least have a reputation for being bad. The browns are forever cursed. The bills are the unluckiest sons of bitches on the planet. The Lions will never wash themselves of the stink of wasting great players careers. What do the jaguars have? Other teams are enduring, eventually becoming loveable losers, but the jaguars don’t even have that. They’re like an alien species that you forget about if you look away.

This lack of sustenance reflected in the team’s fantasy stats: the jags were particularly awful last year: no rusher with over 500 yards, blake bortles somehow only threw 23 tds with 3900 passing yards, and the one supposed bright spot, Allen Robinson, barely made it in the top 40 among receivers in yardage (37th), and barely limped into the top 25 with TDs.

In the 2017 NFL draft, the jaguars took LSU running back Leonard Fournette with the 4th overall pick, in a scene I’m just assuming was similar to This cinematic masterpiece right here . Fournette would naturally get injured during camp. While it may be nothing more than a mild foot injury, there were already questions about his durability, and this won’t help that at all.

 

I had to, I got nothing else here

 

As for the rest of the team, well, i’m going to modify an old governor’s speech, perhaps you’ve heard it: 3-13 now, 3-13 tomorrow, 3-13 forever!

I hope you have enjoyed my relatively lackluster effort for a relatively lackluster franchise. I snuck secret reference into this write up, whoever finds it wins a prize!

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Brocky
Congratulations, you've wondered to the profile the being commonly known as Brocky, step 2 is washing it off. Brocky is a castaway from the old site, and took part in the great migration of 2015. His tastes can vary from the cynical to the bizarre, and a weird affinity for the band Nightwish. Brocky is a die hard Chicago fan, and can be found hanging his hat in Indiana, his windbreaker in ohio, and once lost a shoe somewhere in northeast michigan (Don't worry lefty, you and your brother WILL be reunited) anything else? feel free to ask...
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[…] Remebers Brockys’ awesome yet disparaging Jaguars preview […]

ballsofsteelandfury

Hey, at least I was close in that I knew the reference was in that particular phrase. Never seen Doctor Who, so there was no way I was getting that one. I’ll take a half credit. Better than the Jags will do this year…

ballsofsteelandfury

The secret reference is to Predator and their camouflaged trademark shimmer while at the same time acknowledging Allen Robinson’s dreads.

What’s my prize?!?

ballsofsteelandfury

Dammit! What’s the answer?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Roman Reigns.

If my prize is Jaguars tickets, I’m going to be very upset.

Wakezilla

People forget that most analysts believed the Jags were the only team capable of beating the P*ts in their 18-1 season and once the Jags lost, sports media was planning the parade.

Brick Meathook

The secret reference was: Ron Jeremy

IM me for info on where to send the prize money

Brick Meathook

Wow you’re right. Upon closer review, he’s really not secret at all. Huh.

As a jet-setting millionaire playboy, I really have no chance at getting the “nerdy” clue.

Enrico Pallazzo

This is going to be the year of the Justin Blackmon comeback IMO.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“Did you know that Zima is making a comeback?!”

–Justin Blackmon

Don T

MIA 7 – 62 JAX
Biggest postseason margin of victory, last JAX playoff win. You made me smile, Brocko.

Don T

Wait: there’s aSilky Garrard win in PIT afterwards. I think.

blaxabbath

The entire AFC South fucking sucks.

Don T

Not to be confused with the powahaus NFC West.
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blaxabbath

Hey! The West sends a team to the playoffs damn near every season!

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Gotta say, for all the pain in the assery that this post caused this morning, it was allllllll worth it. Good hustle, Brocky.

nomonkeyfun

When I first tried to read the article, I only got a 404 error page. I thought it was a great joke, until I realized this wasn’t the Houston preview.(Go Oilers!!!)

Game Time Decision

this comment brought to you by NFL Meme’s

/stealing jokes
//made the same comment in the open thread
//Frist

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s weird, I always assumed that Gus Bradley was the source of the Jaguars’ first round pick injury curse. But with him being in Los Angeles, and Fournette getting injured, I’m not so sure anymore. Except that the Chargers’ first pick is injured too. So maybe Bradley is responsible for half of the curse, and the other half is something else?

LemonJello

The other half is being in Jacksonville?

LemonJello

Should we blame Florida Man for their tribulations?
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blaxabbath

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Cuntler

Please clap.

JerBear50

Playing STD Roulette?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“The other half is in Jacksonville? Shit, I had no idea it would fly that far.”

– Jason Pierre-Paul