No Ones 2017 – Texans Preview

Duchess
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There is a phenomenon you may have heard of called the Mandela Effect. This is the scariest thing you will find on the internet and the more you think about it the more you will be for internet censorship to keep these people away from each other. The internet has created an echo chamber where people with shitty memories can sit and debate things and will find people who believe them. These assholes will rather believe that they come from an alternate timeline that somehow merged with us, then admit they are wrong. No, I don’t have the memory of a goldfish and misremembered things, you are the person with the problem. No, I’m just from a different timeline where Nelson Mandela died, you are the problem. No, I’m right that Froot Loops were once spelled Fruit Loops, you are wrong that it’s been Froot Loops since the begining. No, I am right Sinbad was in a crappy movie about a genie, Sinbad is wrong when he says he was never in a movie called Shazam. See the Berenstain Bears were once the Berenstein Bears. The worst of this group meets on Reddit, r/Texans/. This place is where groups of delusional people gather and try to convince themselves they actually care about the Texans.

They gather and ask odd questions like “who has tickets to the preseason game” or “who else is going to training camp?” They have coded communications that can help identify the true believers. If you don’t the phrase “Fuck the Colts” at the end of your statement then you are either not a true believer or they won’t know you have finished your thought. It’s kind of like the phrase “stop” when using a telegram, like so.

Dearest Emily(Fuck the Colts)
I am writing you today to discuss a very important matter (Fuck the Colts)
I have procured an additional ticket to this weekends festivities (Fuck the Colts)
Between the Texans of Houston and the Saints of New Orleans (Fuck the Colts)
If you were to come I promise you all the $10 beers you may drink (Fuck the Colts)
And a hand as far up your thigh as a lady of your stature may insist (Fuck the Colts)
Sincerely Yours Waylon (Fuck the Colts)

They also discuss the goings on of the seasons with a zeal that is reserved for people who care about the outcomes of the games played. I know what you are thinking maybe I just fell upon a subreddit used by all the other teams where they come to talk about how their teams would be all fair against the Texans. No, these people ARE writing about the Texans.

Maybe this isn’t because an alternate time line has merged with us bringing with them a group of individuals who woke up one-morning thinking about the Houston Texans like they were interesting and worthy of their attention. Or maybe we aren’t witnessing a Mandela effect as much as we are seeing Stockholm Syndrom. These people have spent so much time trying to ignore the Cowboys that they have forgotten why they were paying attention to the team in the first place.

This conclusion is further proved by their chant. See the words below.

Uhhh, ohhhh Ummm, yaa What are we going to do? What are we going to do?
Crowd: “What!?!”
What are we going to do? What are we going to do?
Crowd: “Beats Me!?!”
Uhhh, ooo Ummm Houston Texans?

has become this

Outlook:

It’s fine but I still prefer Gmail. However, it may make a huge gain by your conservative friend who is still bitter about Google canning a douchebag for his office wide memo.

Texans Preview:

Two years ago I told you the average fan probably still thought Matt Schaub was their Quarterback. Thanks to the atrocious playing of Brock Oswielder and him being sent to the Browns for his safety. People now know that Matt Schaub is no longer on the Texans. The fan base is achieving sentience as they are starting to talk about rookie Deshaun Watson and how long Tom Savage will keep the starting spot warm for him. Their running back is Lamar Miller; he will be good for about 950 rushing yards and about 150 yards in receiving and 8-9 touchdowns. Wide receivers Will Fuller and DeAndre Hopkins should have decent years as well. Brock nearly put up 3,000 passing yards, and he had the accuracy of a Storm Trooper on the Deathstar. The spookiness of this team is the fact that they have what looks like on paper one of the best Defenses in the league and have been for a while. If they can stay healthy and footballs answer to Chris Pratt in terms that what he does on screen or on the field can sometimes be eclipsed by the manufactured off the screen/field hijinks J.J. Watt can take time from flipping his tires and stay on the field, then this team will go further than the 9-7 record they have finished in the last three years.

Prediction:

I’m going bold here 10-6, and no one will watch them lose the first round of the play-offs.

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

That Outlook joke. Magnifique!

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blaxabbath
Member

I hope both HOU and TEN feast on the rest of the AFC South and send two teams to the playoffs.

It’s the NFL America truly deserves.

Enrico Pallazzo
Member

Oh, I’ll watch that first round home playoff loss. It’s a more storied tradition than Christmas.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

This is probably a case of the Mandela Effect in action, but the Texans didn’t actually lose in the first round last year! They beat the Raiders. Yeah, I don’t remember it either.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Duchess bringing the heat. I think 10-6 is a bit optimistic for an imaginary team, though.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I see them in an 8-8 deadlock with the Colts with the Titans taking the division at 10-6.

Beerguyrob
Member

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Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I’LL FUCK ANYTHING THAT MOVES! (I should make that caption over the original gif)

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

If the original didn’t include a suggestion of “Heineken? Fuck that foreign shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!” then you are all dead to me.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

This motherfucking asshole.

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LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

/In best* He-Man voice
“BY THE POWER OF LINDSEY VONN’S HANDJOBS! I HAVE THE POWER!11!!!!”

*more like Orko, really

Horatio Cornblower
Member

That cover photo…

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