#MAZDA (Make Arizona Decent Again: A 2017 Arizona Cardinals Team Preview)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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As the resident [DFO] Trump Supporter (suck it libs), I feel it’s important to regularly look back and review what THE LIBERAL FAKE NEWS MEDIA has predicted for the BLUE COLLAR REDBIRDS! So, before looking ahead at this year’s great preview, let’s start with some excerpts from this failing site’s 2016 Arizona Cardinals preview (the article that started their freefall in readership):

Fantasy Tip #3, don’t take David Johnson as an RB1.

2016: I couldn’t register Rotten Tomatoes accounts fast enough to thumbs-down Loving

I’m sorry, is DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS the internet moniker of CNN President Jeff Zucker? Because Johnson was last year’s #1 non-QB fantasy scorer. What kind of “don’t-look-in-the-basement-of-our-cult’s-favorite-pizza-place” reasoning backed up this leak?

[Andre] Ellington is made of glass but Arians loves that guy’s skill set and Chris Johnson is an established back who is best at blitz pickup.

Right. Well, in that CJ2K was signed for YET-ANOTHER one-year deal and Ellington was also renewed to play for ARI through 2017 (disregard the Jets visual of A. Ellington in the below tweet), it’s safe to assume this narrative about ignoring Johnson until the late 3rd round will never change.

In NYJ’s defense, they don’t really follow football (and #10 is actually WR Brittan Golden).

But, hey, whiffing on the talent of David Johnson is understandable. Afterall, by the time the news picks on the hottest new thing, it’s already old [turns on morning show I don’t watch anymore to find out what these fidget spinners are and how kids are using them to promote drugs/drinking/sex.]

 Fantasy Tip #4: Arians will run up the score on teams. Weeks 2 (vs TB), 13 (vs WAS), 14 (@MIA), 15 (vs NO), 5 & 10 (SF), and 4 & 17 (RAMIT) are against 2015 bottom-10 defenses.

2016 Results:
Week 2 (TB): W 40-7
Week 4 (RAMIT): L 13-17
Week 5 (SF): W 33-21
Week 10 (SF): W 23-20
Week 13 (WAS): W 31-23
Week 14 (MIA): L 23-26
Week 15 (NO): L 41-48
Week 17 (RAMIT): W 44-6

Two for eight! Who’s scoring the predictions around this place, the Congressional Budget Office? Maybe they should spend less time worrying about what a bunch of millionaires are up to and focus on Hillary’s emails.

2016 repeats Super Bowl or bust expectation for Arizona…the winner of the NFC West to get the #1 overall seed while the 12-4 runner up eats the top wildcard

SEA won the division at 10-5-1 while ARI went 7-8-1. There was no wildcard team from the west.

“Sad trombone plays us out.” -LemonJello

Being off by five wins is a pretty good prediction for baseball (a sport [DFO] hates because it’s dominated by Americans) but it’s basically, “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor” in terms of NFL forecasting.

So let me give you some 2017 Straight TalkTM.

More like Traitor Express.

Fantasywise, get David Johnson. BA is going to force him the ball. You can take Palmer but just know the risks of picking up an injury-prone fantasy boom-or-bust QB who is NOT made of glass (according to WhyEaglesWhy, Palmer’s skeleton is made of balsa wood). Get Fitz, he’s in his last year and they’re going to load him up. As far as John Brown, they say his bad blood is fixed but I don’t think he’ll ever be the same; might be worth a mid-round flyer, especially if you got CP3. You want a late round flyer-AF pick? Tight end Troy Niklas. After battling injuries for his first three seasons, 2017 is Niklas’ last chance. BA likes his play though and, with the top of the WR chart looking thin as ever (ARI has a stable of WR-2’s&3’s), 2017 might be the season that tight ends start seeing an increased roll in this offense (something fans have been expecting since his arrival to the desert).

Gambling-wise, just ignore the Cardinals this season. To play to the east coast bias around here, ARI is similiar to Baltimore. Though the Ratbirds roster hasn’t completely imploded lately, they’re inconsistent with finding success (BAL has done better than ARI though). Just don’t bet on ARI games. And I mean this. Don’t wager their games straight up. Don’t give/take points. Don’t touch the O/U. There’s too much experienced talent around Fake College Stadium for this team to not “Any Given Sunday” anyone on their schedule but, similarly, this is the Arizona Cardinals, not a franchise of any sustained success. There are no right odds for a team like this.

Fan-wise, yeah, things could click and this team could win a Super Bowl. Half their division is still RAMIT and SF. The defense will be awesome because the defense is always awesome (though little was done to address the CB2 needs that was exposed as the D’s Achilles Heel last year) but the special teams is likely to continue to suck. Add a case of turf toe to David Johnson, Chandler Jones tearing a bicep, or Blaine Gabbert starting one game and you’re talking about another sub-.500 season. So just brace yourself now to hear a bunch of “Cardiac Cardinals” until their Week 8 bye. Well, not really, as ARI is not slated for any prime time games outside of their obligatory TNF Color Rush (Week 10 vs SEA) and MNF (Week 3 vs DAL).

Here’s ARI’s 2016 Color Rush uniform. I don’t have any game footage of it because they played SF for TNF last year and, since both teams have black CR unis, ARI didn’t wear theirs.

I don’t blame ARI fans who are excited for the season ahead. Frankly put, the cupboard is going back to bare AF after this season so, hey, enjoy the hope while you can. For me, the Cardinals 2017 season is about celebrating the careers of the men who brought this franchise its golden years. Kurt Warner went into the HOF (as a Ram), Larry Fitzgerald is playing his swan song, and Carson Palmer was, overall, better than John Skelton. The Bruce Arians years have been an anomaly for this franchise and 2017 is just the final embers of that great flame (which included a trip to getting blown out in an NFC championship game by a thug) fading into the darkness.

So, it is with a tear in my eye and a tip of my Kangol cap to the good old days that I make my prediction for the 2017 Arizona Cardinals season.

Oh Wait! We got Chris Johnson on a one-year deal? 10-5-1 and a Super Bowl Championship!

blaxabbath
blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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[…] here’s the ugly truth about the 2017 Cardinals that fans would never speak of in the preseason: this is Fitz/Palmer/B.A.’s Kobe farewell season. Granted, the Cards are more talented than […]

Wakezilla
Member

This guy gets it! Nonody denies this!

Senor Weaselo
Member

BRING BACK THE RX-7! Wait, wrong Mazda.
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Senor Weaselo
Member

Let’s try this again, Wikipedia.
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

Broadcaster: Chris Johnson rushes for a small gain.

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Blax: FAKE NEWS! The failing CBS wouldn’t know down if they looked at their ratings! SAD.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Fox News headline: “BLM SUPPORTER LOOTS HOUSTON HOUSE AND STEALS CHILDREN”

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Needed more geriatrics

Don T
Member

Is Honey Badger OK? Guy can ball. Hard.

How’s this for an alternate timeline? Week 14 TEN@ARI flexes out a Steelers / Ravens game. Lev Bell, Ben, and Justin Tucker have only so-so season and both are a game under .500. Meanwhile, THE PAULS and ‘Gals develop strong defenses and battle for the AFC North title. Stranger things have happened, even without Russian help.

Great post man.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

Is Honey Badger OK?

“<3 <3 CHOMPSNARLgrowllllllSNARLCHOMP <3 <3"

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You have Mr. Winkles attention.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

This is brilliant. But i think you can give yourself credit for these ones too; as a fantasy tip a team putting up 31+ points should generate decent fantasy numbers, win or lose.

Week 5 (SF): W 33-21
Week 13 (WAS): W 31-23
Week 15 (NO): L 41-48

Senor Weaselo
Member

Except the Saints game, if you had the defense.

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