Hard Ride To Seattle

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: Century Link field, home of the Seattle Seahawks, in the not-too-distant future. Pirate Sloth is taking his seat, and Doktor Zymm sits down next to him. She is fiddling with one of her omnipresent gadgets.

Pirate Sloth: Arr, what that be, Doktor?

Doktor Zymm: It ist eine Portable Unit To Redact Insensitive Dialogue. DTZM zinks ze “locker room” talk around ze clubhouse has become a bit…zalty…so he asked me to vork on a zolution.

Pirate Sloth: Arr, how does it be workin’?

Doktor Zymm: It ist still eine prototype, but… Vell, vat ist meine team?

Pirate Sloth: Your team? You mean the Washington R******s?

Doktor Zymm: Ja! Zere, you zee…it ist vorking!

Pirate Sloth (impressed): Arr, that be a fine bit o’ gadgetry, Dok!

Old School Zero takes a seat next to Doktor Zymm.

OSZ: Hey, guys! Boy, I’m thinking this game is going to be a blowout. Seattle’s pretty good this year.

Pirate Sloth: Arr, that may be. I’m thinkin’ it all depends on how the offensive line comes together this year.

OSZ: I know what you mean. Losing George Fant for the season really hurt.

Pirate Sloth: Aye. It be only the lad’s second year, an’ he was learnin’ the left tackle position. He even went to the legend himself, Walter Jones, for advice. ‘Tis a shame he be sidelined for the season.

Doktor Zymm: Zeattle has drafted offensive linemen ze past few zeasons, though, ja?

Pirate Sloth: Arr, they have, but last year’s first-round pick, Germain Ifedi, has yet to find his sea-legs in the NFL. He did play right guard last year. The lad seemed to regress a bit as the season went on, and this year they be movin’ him t the right tackle spot. If he doesn’t work out there, I fear he may be a bust.

OSZ: I think this year’s top O-line pick, Ethan Pocic, may be a long-term starter for Seattle. He’s versatile, which they love, and can play all over the line.

Pirate Sloth: Arr, ’tis true. Some thought he might be a replacement for center Justin Britt, but then the Seahawks signed Britt to a three-year extension. So thar be their anchor for the line. The team just needs to build around him.

Doktor Zymm: Und Luke Joeckel, ja? Vasn’t he a high draft pick for ze Jaguars?

OSZ: They drafted him second overall and he played left tackle for them. Just not very well.

Pirate Sloth: Aye, though he did have his share o’ injuries. The Seahawks have put him at left guard instead, an’ it seems to suit the lad well. An’ he brings some much-needed experience to these young players.

OSZ: He’s only on a one-year deal, though. I can see the Seahawks’ point in such a short-term contract after his early career at the Jaguars, but it’s gonna be a bummer if he plays really well and then leaves for another team.

There’s a chorus of boos from behind the DFOers.

OSZ (without even turning around): Hey, CB.

Covalent Blonde sits down next to Old School Zero. She’s wearing her Niners jersey, Niners hat and red & gold tennis shoes.

Covalent Blonde (holding up five fingers at the Seattle fans): Count the Super Bowl trophies, guys!

Green-painted Fan: F**k you!

Pirate Sloth: Arr, could ye be not eggin’ them on?

Covalent Blonde: Ah, f**k ’em. Hey! What the h**l? Why am I talking so d**n weird?

Doktor Zymm: Zat vould be meine P.U.T.R.I.D. It ist designed to reduce obscenities.

Covalent Blonde: Then maybe you should point it at the Seahawks O-line, amirirte?

Pirate Sloth: Aye, we were just talkin’ about that ourselves. Methinks it not be so bad as ye’re makin’ it out to be.

Covalent Blonde: Look, even I’ll admit that you guys have a killer f****n’ defense. You have at least four guys who are among the best at their positions: Bobby Wagner at linebacker, Earl Thomas and Kam Chancellor at the safety positions and Richard Sherman at corner. A lot of teams would kill to have even one of those guys.

OSZ: I sense a “b*t” coming on. Hey! What the h**k…?

Doktor Zymm (fiddling with her gizmo): Hmm…

Covalent Blonde: B*t...c’mon, Zymm, just give that thing a thwack…a great defense that’s on the field all the time doesn’t win games. Russell Wilson can really be an ace when he has time, but last year he was pressured into hurried throws a lot…

Doktor Zymm (as she adjusts a dial on the P.U.T.R.I.D.): On 29.5% of passing znaps.

Covalent Blonde: Right. So Wilson has some great targets in Doug Baldwin and Jimmy Graham…and Tyler Lockett looks like he’s gonna be a superstar someday…b*t he needs time to throw to them. Now in the old days Marshawn Lynch being out there gave the Seahawks a big-a*s hammer to pound the D-line with, but without him…

Pirate Sloth: Aye, neither former Packer Eddie Lacy nor Thomas Rawls can fill those shoes…

OSZ: I like the new guy, though…Chris Carson. I think he might be the feature back they’ve been looking for. He really h**s the h**e h**d and… C’mon, Zymm!

Doktor Zymm (adjusting another dial): Zorry…

Covalent Blonde: Oh, he might be the Seahawks’ best pick in the draft this year. Of course, he was also the last pick. What is it with Seattle just p***ing away their early picks, anyway?

Pirate Sloth: Arr, that’s not entirely fair. Aye, they’ve made some reaches, b*t…

Covalent Blonde: Their first pick this year, defensive tackle Malik McDowell, fell off of an ATV and landed on his h**d…sigh…noggin. He’s out for, what, the year?

OSZ (grimacing): Probably.

Covalent Blonde: Not a great start to his career, guys. And you’ve been missing an interior playmaker since Brandon Mebane left for the Chargers.

Pirate Sloth: Even without McDowell that line’ll be fine. Ye’re just dreading that week 2 game, aren’t ye?

Covalent Blonde (grumbling): Kinda.

OSZ: The defense really is looking good. My only issues there are on the third linebacker and with whichever corner starts opposite Sherman.

Pirate Sloth: Aye, the number two corner will be sorely tested by every team until he can prove himself. It’ll be between Jeremy Lane, who had some troubles there last year, an’ the new lad Shaquill Griffin. But I’m thinkin’ they may run more formations with an extra DB on the field in place o’ the third linebacker. That’ll put more speed on the field and may help the coverage.

Covalent Blonde: Is that why they drafted twelve safeties this year?

Pirate Sloth: Three, but aye.

A haze of bong smoke passes over the DFOers.

OSZ (without even turning around): Hey, Marc.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (sitting down next to Pirate Sloth): Whoa, like, there you guys are, man! Like, I totally got lost! This place is y***ge!

Covalent Blonde (at Zymm): Really?

Doktor Zymm frowns and fiddles with a dial on the P.U.T.R.I.D. again. It comes off in her hand.

Doktor Zymm: Oops…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (pulling out a green and blue glass bong): Man, like, I’m glad I found you guys! This big bird guy gave me directions, man. Like, he really dug my bong, man.

Old School Zero looks down at the field to see the Seahawks’ mascot Blitz staggering around the field. The mascot sees a hot dog vendor in the stands and climbs up the wall after the man, chasing him frantically through the aisles as the crowd laughs.

OSZ: I’m sure he did, Marc.

A concerned mother taps Marc Trestmans Windowless Van on the shoulder.

Concerned Mother: You can’t do…that…here!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (exhaling a heroic amount of bong smoke): Like, it’s cool, man. I’m pretty sure it’s medicinal.

Concerned Mother: Sir! If you don’t leave I’m calling security!

Covalent Blonde: Aw, don’t get your panties in a bunch. He’s not hurting anyone.

A big guy in green paint with a blue 12 on his chest comes lumbering over, beer cup in hand.

Green Guy (angry): What’d you say to my wife?

Covalent Blonde (getting up): Same thing I’m gonna tell you, tough guy…sit down before you really p**s me off.

Green Guy: Oh, you want a ***** of ** you *****?!!

Doktor Zymm looks at the P.U.T.R.I.D., which is starting to smoke.

Doktor Zymm: Uh-oh…

Covalent Blonde cold-c*cks the guy…geez, Zymm, even the narration? He falls unconscious into a crowd of other Seahawks fans, who come to the defense of their fellow fan. With a grin Covalent Blonde dives into them and a brawl erupts.

Covalent Blonde: **** you *************!!! You picked the wrong gal to **** with!

Doktor Zymm’s machine overloads from the sheer volume of coarse language erupting out of the melee. She casually puts it in a now-empty seat, where it sputters, sparks and finally gives a single defiant pop before dying altogether.

Doktor Zymm: Vell…frek!

Old School Zero takes a hit off of the green and blue bong and passes it to Pirate Sloth.

OSZ (exhaling): So, what do you think of the Seahawks chances this year?

Pirate Sloth (taking a hit): Arr, the roster be deep and the schedule’s not bad, so I’m thinkin’ they win the division at 12-4, an’ then lose to the Falcons in the play-offs. That seems to be a tradition.

OSZ winces at the carnage that Covalent Blonde is wreaking on the Seattle fans. 

OSZ: Well, that’s better than those fans are gonna do. We really can’t bring her to anymore Seattle games.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa, we’re in Seattle? Like, can we visit that big Amazon store while we’re here? An’ I’ve heard this place is, like, really into Battlestar Galactica, man. They talk about Starbuck all the time…


For those of you confused by what you’ve just read, and we assume that’s most of you, please be aware that this preview is connected to a long-running series of internet fiction. To fully understand this preview, please start here:

Hard Ride to Nowhere Chapter 1

After you have read approximately two years worth of chapters, which include clones, giant apes, time travel, Debbie Harry, evil clowns, SCIENCE! and luchadores, please return to this preview and read it again. We promise that it will make much more sense.

-The Editors


Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
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I’m up in the third deck watching all of this and laughing. Until CB spots me, and then Sorry, I gotta run to the stairs…


Oh! I think I figured out what the 13 character expletive was!


SF might have a better chance by starting CB as their mike backer against SEA.

Covalent Blonde

I have complete faith that I could break that machine.


I wonder why I wasn’t included …

Horatio Cornblower

I’m really not surprised.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

I’m surprised there was no mention of B***r W***h.

Senor Weaselo

So how many stadiums have we collectively been kicked out of now?


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Does anything we do around here make sense?


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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

And you’ve been missing an interior playmaker since Brandon Mebane left for the Chargers.

That P.U.T.R.I.D. sucks. It missed the only important word to censor in the entire preview.


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(also, well done you freaking weirdo)