What Week One surprises will turn into bonafide trends? What will fall into the vapor as if they were mere pre-season fixtures, or mad ether hallucinations? Hack, cough, Jaguras competence. READ ON!
Yeah, the fucking asswipe P*ts came out firing, and buried the hapless Aints alive. Gronk may be ded again, though, and I don’t see them surviving that loss despite past practice. N’Awlins has one of the worst pass defenses I have ever seen.
The Bears are really shitty too. Rapey Jameis hardly had to break into a rapey sweat in this one, as the Bears fucked themselves from the get go. Our beloved Giraffe still managed a very sad 300-yard game, somehow.
#ThePauls competed once again, on the road in Balmer. But turnover woes and a migrainey QB created a hole too deep in a 24-10 loss. Ravens perhaps have a diamond in the rough in reserve tailback Buck Allen, but they’ve always shied away from giving him sustained touches in the past, even when he’s looked much better than what they have (usually mediocre warmed-over shit). In any event, 2-0 is 2-0 I guess.
Same thing for the Yinzers, who beat up on a Sam Bradford-less Vikings squad who simply had no chance. Getting to 13 points was a miracle, all things considered. I mean, Case Keenum y’all. If’n they must bury Bradford at Wounded Knee, kiss Minnesota’s contention hopes goodbye. Pittsburgh is just kind of there. 2-0 is 2-0, but I have no read on them, good or bad.
The Panthers beat the Bills 9-3, in their home opener. Weather was not a factor. Cam Newton being a ded man walking (and running for his life behind a horrid OL) very much was. Cam stayed down a long time after one particular 4th quarter sack, and I was shocked he returned to the game. His shoulder isn’t close to right, and I doubt it will be all season. The Bills just suck.
Los Titanicos broke open a low-scoring defensive battle in the 2nd half, winning in Jacksonville 37-16. This whole “try to win without any quartered backing” experiment may need to end in North Florida. If only there was a free agent option out there available…
The Eagles damned near completed a miracle comeback, with a great combo onside kick (recovered all the way at the Chefs 40) and Hail Mary, but the toss was tipped out the back of the end zone. Kansas City just keeps churning out wins, and KHunt was the difference yet again. An absolute monster, that Toledo Rocket.
Poor Jacoby Brissett/Black HODOR! He finally gets his chance at a starting gig, and his WR corps completely sandbags him. Then he throws an awful duck of an interception in OT, and the Cardinals win 16-13. He deserved a better fate than that. Humps management has already declared Original Recipe HODOR! out another 3-4 weeks, and I wouldn’t expect many wins in that period. Thus, I wouldn’t expect Luck rushed back at all with nada to play for. So…Jacoby should get more chances.
Rejoice, for Catler led his Sea Mammals to victory over a crowd of dozens of confused lesser footy fans in LA. For a second consecutive week, the Shitty Clippers fell victim to a last-second kicker icing. Stomp stomp CLAP!!
Oakland beat the absolute monkeyfuck out of the Jets. This will not be the last time you read a sentence of similar ilk. Oakland and KC remain on collision course for at least the 2 seed in the AFC (hopefully the 1).
But my beloved, shitty Donks have made it to 2-0 as well. Huzzah! Trevor Siemian ripped the Dallas secondary for 4 TDs, 2 to Emmanuel Sanders. Aqib “Two of the Good Ones” Talib closed the festivities with a Pick Six to make it 42-17. However, Denver lost starting LT Garret Bolles to what looked like a serious knee injury, so that will likely be it for any scant playoff hopes. Fun day, still.
Charmslinger needed a 4th quarter TD drive to come back for a sad, sloppy 12-9 home win against the Fightin’ Tomsulas. In case you needed confirmation, the SeaTruthers are going nowhere fast this season, folks.
Those wacky Redacteds went out west and came back with a…uh, can we say “scalp?” They effectively slowed down the RRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! pass rush by establishing the run, blew a 10 point lead, but won it with a late TD 27-20. Now Los Angeles can quit paying them any attention, and all is right in the universe once more.
Last and once again least, Sunday Night Snoozefest involved a butt-themed stadium, and butt-playing Packers. ATL fucked around in Q4 again but the lead was too many this time, or the time not enough, yada yada.