What Week One surprises will turn into bonafide trends? What will fall into the vapor as if they were mere pre-season fixtures, or mad ether hallucinations? Hack, cough, Jaguras competence. READ ON!
Yeah, the fucking asswipe P*ts came out firing, and buried the hapless Aints alive. Gronk may be ded again, though, and I don’t see them surviving that loss despite past practice. N’Awlins has one of the worst pass defenses I have ever seen.
The Bears are really shitty too. Rapey Jameis hardly had to break into a rapey sweat in this one, as the Bears fucked themselves from the get go. Our beloved Giraffe still managed a very sad 300-yard game, somehow.
#ThePauls competed once again, on the road in Balmer. But turnover woes and a migrainey QB created a hole too deep in a 24-10 loss. Ravens perhaps have a diamond in the rough in reserve tailback Buck Allen, but they’ve always shied away from giving him sustained touches in the past, even when he’s looked much better than what they have (usually mediocre warmed-over shit). In any event, 2-0 is 2-0 I guess.
Same thing for the Yinzers, who beat up on a Sam Bradford-less Vikings squad who simply had no chance. Getting to 13 points was a miracle, all things considered. I mean, Case Keenum y’all. If’n they must bury Bradford at Wounded Knee, kiss Minnesota’s contention hopes goodbye. Pittsburgh is just kind of there. 2-0 is 2-0, but I have no read on them, good or bad.
The Panthers beat the Bills 9-3, in their home opener. Weather was not a factor. Cam Newton being a ded man walking (and running for his life behind a horrid OL) very much was. Cam stayed down a long time after one particular 4th quarter sack, and I was shocked he returned to the game. His shoulder isn’t close to right, and I doubt it will be all season. The Bills just suck.
Los Titanicos broke open a low-scoring defensive battle in the 2nd half, winning in Jacksonville 37-16. This whole “try to win without any quartered backing” experiment may need to end in North Florida. If only there was a free agent option out there available…
The Eagles damned near completed a miracle comeback, with a great combo onside kick (recovered all the way at the Chefs 40) and Hail Mary, but the toss was tipped out the back of the end zone. Kansas City just keeps churning out wins, and KHunt was the difference yet again. An absolute monster, that Toledo Rocket.
Poor Jacoby Brissett/Black HODOR! He finally gets his chance at a starting gig, and his WR corps completely sandbags him. Then he throws an awful duck of an interception in OT, and the Cardinals win 16-13. He deserved a better fate than that. Humps management has already declared Original Recipe HODOR! out another 3-4 weeks, and I wouldn’t expect many wins in that period. Thus, I wouldn’t expect Luck rushed back at all with nada to play for. So…Jacoby should get more chances.
Rejoice, for Catler led his Sea Mammals to victory over a crowd of dozens of confused lesser footy fans in LA. For a second consecutive week, the Shitty Clippers fell victim to a last-second kicker icing. Stomp stomp CLAP!!
Oakland beat the absolute monkeyfuck out of the Jets. This will not be the last time you read a sentence of similar ilk. Oakland and KC remain on collision course for at least the 2 seed in the AFC (hopefully the 1).
But my beloved, shitty Donks have made it to 2-0 as well. Huzzah! Trevor Siemian ripped the Dallas secondary for 4 TDs, 2 to Emmanuel Sanders. Aqib “Two of the Good Ones” Talib closed the festivities with a Pick Six to make it 42-17. However, Denver lost starting LT Garret Bolles to what looked like a serious knee injury, so that will likely be it for any scant playoff hopes. Fun day, still.
Charmslinger needed a 4th quarter TD drive to come back for a sad, sloppy 12-9 home win against the Fightin’ Tomsulas. In case you needed confirmation, the SeaTruthers are going nowhere fast this season, folks.
Those wacky Redacteds went out west and came back with a…uh, can we say “scalp?” They effectively slowed down the RRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! pass rush by establishing the run, blew a 10 point lead, but won it with a late TD 27-20. Now Los Angeles can quit paying them any attention, and all is right in the universe once more.
Last and once again least, Sunday Night Snoozefest involved a butt-themed stadium, and butt-playing Packers. ATL fucked around in Q4 again but the lead was too many this time, or the time not enough, yada yada.
In all seriousness Kaep is head and shoulders better than half the starting qbs in the league.
Who is he behind besides Brady and Rodgers (who doesn’t mind having Kaep behind him)?
THE BEN
Olivia’s baby
Baby Hands (Alex Smith)
Mr. Elite
Cam (pre injury)
Dangeruss
DAK DAK DAK
Breesus
Catler
Semen Boy
I would rather have Rivers, Carr too (for sure), and likely a handful of others. He’s a meh starter, but there’s some absolute monkeyshit with starting jobs out there now.
Dammit! I forgot Cure Boy and Marmalard! I agree with their inclusion.
Thank king Hippo for willing your Donks to the win. I believe that a Cowboys loss gives me more pleasure than anything in the sportsing world.
Here’s a house cat looking for his ball of yarn. For three hours I was in the same space as Smokin’ Jay and he did not care about it at all. Not one bit.
Marmalard, however, stared at me the entire game. No matter how far away he was or what he was doing, he just stared at me. It was unnerving.
Yes! Does this mean someone took your $10?
??????
I had to go up to $60 but I felt I got a good deal.
That’s actually not bad. Let me know if you want to do a Puss in Boots on The Ground post.
He was undressing you with his eyes.
Better go get a home pregnancy test.
Brick makes for a fantastic roving gameday reporter. We need to rob a bank so we can send him and Litre on the road MOAR.
I was that drunk because the Seahawks game was that bad.
I’m just going to leave this riiight here:
ICYMI:
Disrespectful thug or me-first glory boy? YOU DECIDE.
You know that it’s a lousy weekend of games when our main TV was used to show more minutes of House Hunters International than football.
Well, there is more than 12 minutes of action in an average 4 hour broadcast of House Hunters International.
Shit. That’s a gif I could’ve made from last night’s Rick & Morty: house hunters.
The LA Fightin Spanos Cocks are now 0 and Koo.
And OakVegas looks legit.
I nearly put a hit out on Scott Hanson for continuing to show the Panthers/Bills game.
He just wanted to make sure we saw Cam Newton die. Probably had something to do with Mr. Richardson’s property insurance claim.
That was one of the ugliest days of football I can remember. Blech.
Poor The Vikings. That’s some serious qb injury luck.
Yep. This is the second wasted year in a row. The entire rest of the team is ready to contend and we can’t keep even a half ass quarterback standing. This sucks. I really don’t want to see Case fucking Keenum QB when I go to Minnesota in a few weeks.
and damn it, Bradford was lookin’ MEASTY too! That opener was as badass as a QB performance gets, even discounting the level of competition.
Now Los Angeles can quit paying them any attention
I think that ship has sailed, my friend.
c’mon, wasn’t everyone getting just a little bit of that infectious RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! fever? No??
Infectious? I didn’t know Schiano joined the Rams.
Leave it to a Spanos led team to go to L.A., put their trust in a Younghoe and leave disappointed.
Younghoe will be walking the streets soon trying to make some money…