Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week Tres, 2017

Before we get to the bananas early slate, we dedicate our Monday morning industrial strength coffee to DonT, whose Los Titanicos absolutely shredded the SeaTruthers in Nashville yesterday.  Yes, the Charmslinger went into Hercules mode in Q4, making the score respectable…but this was a smashmouth, physical domination.  One franchise on the rise, one on the wane.  We wish you, and all of Puerto Rico well, and hope you’re back online for Week Four.

Speaking of domination – oh those Fulham Jaguras got their spot of footy on.  Mister Elite was just fucking embarrassing, and the 44-7 scoreline was deceptively tame, if anything.  Not how you want to go into a rivalry showdown with the Yinzers, but that’s what the Ratbirds got on they plate.

But those yinzers?  Losers in OT at Soldier Field.  Mike Glennon threw for 101 yards in the victory.  Yikes.  Both Jordan Howard and Leonard Cohen were fabulous, and combined with stingy/opportunistic defensing, that sufficed.  A John Fox special.

Whilst that one wound down, Dreamboat was pulling one out of his ass at home against the Texans.  Nothing to bitch about, luck or officiating-wise, he just did some really good quartered backing.  Asshole.  Coach Buttchinski had the option to go for a 4th and a short 1 (maybe 2 feet) instead of kicking a FG to go up 5.  Had they done so and made it…game is essentially over, as Brady would have had no more than 30 seconds to work with, and no timeouts.  It was a close call, maths-wise, but I’d always prefer to “get one yard” than “trust my defense” when Tom Brady is involved.  Especially when the score is already 30-28.

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!  Bananas concurrent ending #3 involved Detroit getting fucked over even worse than they are used to, with the winning TD bafflingly taken off the board (Tate appeared not to possess the ball completely until it was across the plane) by replay review.  Even if you think it was somehow close (to me it wasn’t), the call on the field was “TD” and no fucking way was that conclusive.  But fucked over the Lions remained, and by rule (since he would have been down in the field of play in this alternate reality) there is a 10-second runoff and GAME OVER.  30-26, Falcons.

Dear Fuck, do not let these shits get home field and go back to the Superb Owl.  VERY BAD THINGS shall follow.

STILL NOT ALL.  Concurrent wackiness #4!  A dull game that had been 7-0 Iggles forever (then 14-0 awhile) went insane, with the G-Men running off 3 scores, including 2 circus OBJ catches.  Philly tied it at 21, then again at 24 and we looked headed for OT.  But no, a 20 yard sideline pass only takes 6 seconds, and Philly has 1 tick left to try a 61-yard FG which the rookie nails.  Angry, crunk Giants fans everywhere.

Perhaps this little flurry was some good Karma for the NFL, with owners and management largely doing the right thing this weekend and sticking up for their players as grown-ass men with real, valid concerns that have a right to be heard (in the face of the most puerile jeering from a most diminished office).  Maybe we will have labour peace after all, for nothing galvanizes a group like a common enemy to unite against.  Black or white, liberal or conservative, no adult – particularly one who has achieved a certain level of economic power (and the freedom that comes with that) – likes to be talked to like a disobedient child.  I don’t suggest it as a management technique.

/off soapbox

HOLY FUCKING SHIT THE JETS WON.  Really, it should have been a shutout.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, did you see the first half that Black HODOR! had v. #The Pauls?  This was a common refrain for Week 3, for sure.  QB performances out of nowhere.  The final score of 31-28 was not indicative of the run of play.

Case Keenum destroyed any notion that maybe Tampa Bay was a good, complete team.  I mean, c’mon…CASE.  KEENUM.  The Week 3 juju was strong, and everyone had Stefon Diggs on their bench.  Ouch.  If/when Minny gets Crazy Eyez back, they will be extremely dangerous.

Green Bay continues to look like Aaron Rodgers and a bunch of replacement players out there.  Or maybe the OL situation is just so bad one can’t really get a read on what they are yet.  But the Bengals had ’em beat, and let ’em off the hook.  When they had to punt in OT, you knew it was fucking over.  It was.  The bomb came on play #3 (and Cincy was offside anyway).

That KHunt RB out of Toledo continues to run hog wild for the Chefs, and the Shitty Clippers are the most recent victim.  Secondary story was how awful King Laserface was against the KC…secondary, without Eric Berry.

Denver finally hit something of a wall in Buffalo, as I suspected would happen.  Tough, physical contest, and the Donks’ last gasps ended on (i) a failed fake punt in their own end; and (ii) a ridiculous “taunting” call on Von Miller for having a personality (even though Tyrod Taylor appreciated the joke).  Still, Bills earned the win.  Definitely the better side this particular Sunday.

Even I thought, as broken as he might be, Cam Newton could still chew up the God-awful Saints defense.  WRONG.  Time to have some serious, hard conversations down Carolina way.  Nice “glimmer of hope” for New Orleans, in what is still a wide-open, bad division.

Another Sunday Nighter, another laugher…and it’s the Redacteds looking like the complete side and Superb Owl contender?  The Raiders looking completely outclassed in all phases of the game.  I’ll leave it to Metallica to sum things up, for the night and the week as a whole for so many teams (fuck me, I was originally thinking “strange” – my head is so goddamned scrambled by this 48-hour migraine):