Your “We Return You To Your Regularly Scheduled Games” NFL Football Open Thread

Hopefully that Londonderry game was entertaining. There be eight features on tap now and more than a couple seem to have some potential. Let’s have a look. TO THE GAMES!

Cin/Cle: Two O-and-3’s have at it. All the Bengals need to do to put this one away is to get inside the red zone. The Browns D gives up TD’s at an 80% rate when their opponent wanders inside the twenty.

Buf/Atl: The Bills D has acquitted themselves quite well so far this year but the Falcons are something else entirely. Plus they’re at home. Tyrod and the passing game aren’t doing themselves any favours either.

Jax/NYJ: The Jetskis had no trouble last week and now face a young Jags team that is hoping to build on their blowout affair last week. Rb Fournette is running at a mere 3.5 ypc clip after three games but you’d think that by the end of the year he’ll have added at least another three feet to that stat.

Det/Min: The Lions are in possession of an injured list fourteen players long, including de Ansah and lb Davis. Look for Minny to do what they did last week-get rook rb Cook going early so that qb Keenum can work his magic with the likes of Diggs and Thielen.

Car/NE: Cam needs a shoulder to lean/throw on. Did I go against my better judgement and leave Pats wr Hogan and his 2 TD’s on the bench last week? As a matter of fact, I did. So here I go chasing last week’s points…

LAR/Dal: Despite one of the squads hailing from Dallas, I like the look of this game. Both teams are sitting pretty division-wise and this should be a solid test for the young Goffster who has started to justify his draft position.

Pit/Bal: An under-performing and talented O (Steelers) meets up with a (perhaps) over-performing D. Winner gets first place.

Ten/Hou: With so many other interesting tilts being played, why would you bother?

Get going, big fellas.

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Redshirt

Bengals Radio Color Commentator just said their O-line sucks.

Dick E. Phuck

I hope Cooper Kupp is the product of a Lesbian couple so that I can call him Two Girls one Kupp.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Also-ran: Turkey Baster

King Hippo

DAD??

Romonobyl

And Dallas shifts into ineffective panic mode. Second verse, same as the first.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Houston with a 50-Burger. Who woulda thunk it?

theeWeeBabySeamus

My choice to sit Funchess and start Hurns is really paying off well too, btw.
smgdh

The Maestro

Myles went in there and Jacked that ball right away from the Jets, alright!

/is pelted relentlessly by rotten tomatoes

Romonobyl

Lawrence is out? Well…

Spur

This is the Cowboys defense I know and loath

Romonobyl

They always go limp long before the job is done.

Dick E. Phuck

So they’re the Rush Limbaugh of NFL defenses.

Dick E. Phuck

Once the Wolfman is inside you, he never truly leaves.

The Maestro

No kidding. Chlamydia is a pain in the ass to get rid of. SO I HEAR.

Romonobyl

Are you sure that’s chlamydia?

LemonJello

Ass herpes? Ass herpes.

Romonobyl

Time for the 4th quarter Dallas defensive meltdown. Some things never change.

LemonJello

Wade Phillips tries to adjust his embiggening member.

Romonobyl

I’m curious about the options you got from spellcheck for that.

Dick E. Phuck

It looks like MAGA’s team is going to pull some bullshit out of their ass at the end again.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Just couldn’t fucking throw for it could you? Fuck you P*ts.

Redshirt

Go Falcons. Do it for me and Sharkbait!

LemonJello

BLEERGH must be satiated!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That made me laugh out loud.

herodotus450

So obviously they can’t be called The Greatest Show on Turf anymore, so maybe The Greatest Show that No One Saw So You Can’t Prove it Actually Happened.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Greatest Show on Smurf, from Gargamel’s perspective, WHY WON’T ANYONE BELIEVE HIM!?!?!

Senor Weaselo

“Hey, we’ve been here the whole time.” -Boise St JV footy team

Spur

Right there with you.

Dick E. Phuck

It’s like the Vikings are genetically predisposed to shanking chip-shot field goals.

LemonJello

Mr. Winkles growls in anticipation.

The Maestro

Man, fuck you, Cam Newton.

But double-fuck you, Pats D, for allowing a guy with a dead throwing shoulder to absolutely light you up like this. Ugh.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Sure could use Dont’a HIghtower out there running the D.

Col. Duke LaCross

HAIL SHAN’KLOR!

Sharkbait
Spur

It’s not officially a Cowboys game until a DB falls down on a touchdown pass.

theeWeeBabySeamus

The feeling you get when it dawns on you that you’d probably have been better off starting Eli over Tawmmy….
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Romonobyl

Let’s see what’s on Telemundo…hopefully I’ll catch a weather report.

LemonJello

Gurleydown. RAMMIT making a game of this.

Redshirt

Oh, Burfict.

Redshirt

…got screwed.

LemonJello

“That’s Burfict. Just Burfict.”
-Marvin Lewis

...

Good afternoon, everyone.

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Dick E. Phuck

But what about yellow on yellow crime?
-Bill Parcells

Spur

We never see the brown ones anymore.

Romonobyl

“The red ones will kill you, ppl forget that.”

– Dan Snyder

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Browns are 2-28 in their last 30 games. This will make it 2-29.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If I’m not mistaken that will break Tampa Bay’s stretch of futility that started with them going 0-26.

The Maestro

That record the Browns hold is impressive in its futility. Which I believe historians also said about the defense of Tenochtitlan against the conquistadores.

King Hippo

at least I already have Alex Collins stashed

Viva La Tabula Raza

I hope ICE doesn’t catch up with and deport The Foreigner before the release date.

Dick E. Phuck

But first he has to know what love is, and he wants us to show him.

Romonobyl

They got back together?

Romonobyl

That was tooooo close!

Redshirt

Dalton: “We’re up by five scores. Do you think I should sit down so I don’t get hurt.”
Coach Lewis: “Nah, we’re good. Keep on playing. I’m sure nothing will happen.”

blaxabbath

Only 6 targets to Green? He’s gonna get rusty!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“That happened to me after I spent too much time washing my hair.”

– Craig Heyward

blaxabbath

DAMN ALL OF YOU WHO TOLD ME TO SIT THE CIN D AGAINST CLE!

LemonJello

“Put in on my tab.”
-DFO Membership, et al

Redshirt

I know some people make fun of teams that schedule a cupcake early in the season, but this is going to give the Bengals confidence as they enter their Conference part of the season.

blaxabbath

But you really think these guys can take of BAMA?

King Hippo

PAAAAAWWWWWWWWLLL?

LemonJello

They’ve got to get past their in-state rivals, THE Ohio State University, first.

JustStopDude

Guys…I think we can do this.

I think the Browns are set to go 0-16.

blaxabbath

I think if you go 0-16 then the league should step in and manage your roster and assign you a coach for the next three seasons. Clearly such a team cannot be trusted to run their own operation.

LemonJello

Relegation. The answer is relegation.

Like bottom four NFL teams go down to NCAA and the four playoff teams move up to the NFL?

Redshirt

I agree, but extend to extended slumps. The Shield would’ve gotten involved in the Bengals after the 1993 season.

JustStopDude

Exactly. There are maybe 10 teams with front offices that actually care about trying to win.

The rest just go through the motions to collect money.

Viva La Tabula Raza

That model really worked well for us.
—-Citizens of Flint, MI.

herodotus450

Just reduce their share of the TV contract money.

Dick E. Phuck

Carolina is having Funchess all over the New England field.

Spur

I am surprised by how much the Rams mismatched uniforms bother me.

LemonJello

I don’t like it, not one bit.

I’ve been trying to come up with a video game “power level indicator” joke.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The guy whose football picks I read has been screaming that Cleveland is underrated all year. I think he bet $500 on them this week.

blaxabbath

They are underrated. Doesn’t mean they’re a good pick to win today. Honestly, I think CIN is a bit underrated — they’re built to hammer bad teams (and CLE is a bad team).

blaxabbath

All these Trump supporters criticizing everything any black man does. If they’re so bad, why do they all want to own one?

Redshirt

Bengals TE Tyler Kroft nearly piledrove himself getting a TD.

Gratliff

Goddamn. He sacrificed his neck for that catch.

LemonJello

I thought Glennon already played this week?

King Hippo

Apparently gonna be CASSELVANIA!! time for Los Titanicos

Dick E. Phuck

Ironically, Matt plays QB exactly like a stiff 8-bit sprite.

Gratliff

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Dick E. Phuck

Here’s an idea Browns, maybe you shouldn’t spike your players’ water with transmission fluid if you want them to be good at football.

LemonJello

“But, that’s taken straight out of Lake Erie…oh, I see your point.”
-The Pauls training staff

Redshirt

♫ ‘Cause suicide is painless
Its bring on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please ♫

(seeing BUF-ATL score)

Sharkbait

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Sharkbait

The Maginot line is more effective than the Patriots D-line.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“It might seem that way, but they’ll catch up to you eventually.”

– Brandon Spikes

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I know it’s good PR to reach out to the Native American community, but I’m telling you, Zygi, I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

– Vikings front office, upon learning of the plan to host training camp at the Lakota Pine Ridge Indian Reservation

LemonJello

Are you sure that survey showed our practice facility was build OFF the ancient indian burial ground?

Sharkbait

They just moved the headstones!

The Maestro

A 69-yard rushing touchdown? NICE.

Wait, it was by a JET, of all possible players? Not as nice.

Smithchez

Agreed, fuck that noise. They can’t even LOSE correctly!!!

Sharkbait

Dalvin cook ded.

hippofant

Taken out by the Viking’s rivals: ACLs.