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Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: An abandoned cabin in the woods, where Angry Girl Scout has brought Unsurprised, Litre Cola and the Maestro, in order to sacrifice them to her dark master in return for unimaginable power. At the moment, the three are tied up and leaning against the couch. Each of them has a band-aid on their left thumb, the result of arcane blood rites. Unsurprised’s band-aid has a pink unicorn on it. He’s glaring at it.

Unsurprised: Really? A pink unicorn? What am I, an eight year-old girl?

Angry Girl Scout (lighting candles): Ha! You wish you were that tough. Now quit complaining. I have to sacrifice you guys so I can get the bus in for a tire rotation. There’s a half-off deal going on at Midas and I don’t want to miss it.

Litre Cola: You could do that now, eh?

The Maestro: Sure! We’ll just wait here for you to get back.

Angry Girl Scout: Nice try, losers. But I’m not letting you guys out of my sight. I wanna get my arcane powers on so I can go wreak havoc on the rest of the DFO.

Unsurprised: I’m not even a member! How come you’re sacrificing me?

Angry Girl Scout: I dunno…you’re just kind of a pain in the ass, so…

The Maestro: She’s got you there, eh?

Angry Girl Scout opens up an ancient arcane tome. She begins to read from it.

Angry Girl Scout: Oyay eatgray Atansay, earhay ymay leapay…

Unsurprised (looking at Liter Cola): Wait a sec…

Angry Girl Scout: Iseray omfray ethay epthsday foay Ellhay…

Liter Cola: Is that…Pig Latin…?

There’s an explosion of fire inside the pentagram on the floor. Through the resulting smoke a figure appears. It is a yuuuge horned figure with cloven hooves and leathery bat wings. It opens its mouth to speak, but inhales a mouthful of smoke and begins coughing.

Satan (hacking away like a lifelong smoker): Gah! Hukhukhuk… Who has summoned… Kaffkaff! …the ruler of the realms most infernal… Ahukhukhuk!

Angry Girl Scout: Are you okay?

Satan (waving a yuuuge black-clawed hand): No, I’m… Ahakhak! It’s the brimstone. It really affects my allergies.

Litre Cola: The devil has allergies…?

Satan (wiping a fiery tear away from his eye): Like you wouldn’t believe! Kaff! Kaffkaff! Seriously, Hell is filled with allergens. And you wouldn’t believe how bad lost souls smell! They have awful grooming. I mean, I get it, you’re damned. But c’mon, show a little self-respect.

The Maestro: Well, you’re Satan, right? You could put some, I dunno…bathing facilities in, right?

Satan: Kaff! Oh, I have! But Hell corrupts everything. I mean, I went with Moen faucets, the hands-free kind since a lot of the damned are chained to their past sins.

Litre Cola: That was thoughtful of you.

Satan: Right? But by day three they were spraying blood and fire instead of water. And they screamed incessantly. Sometimes I wonder why I bother…

Satan sits down dejectedly in the pentagram, his bat wings drooping.

Angry Girl Scout: Um… Satan…?

Satan (sulking): What?

Angry Girl Scout: Well, I do have some new souls for you…fresh ones!

Satan (rolling his eyes): Oh, great. That’s just what I need…more souls. Seriously, Hell is so overcrowded right now…

The Maestro: Well, we don’t have to go to Hell. Really, we’d prefer not to.

Unsurprised: Yeah. I mean, I’ve been to Cleveland. I’m not in a hurry to go back.

Satan: Ugh. Cleveland. I mean…sure, the Phlegethon burns, but it’s supposed to. It’s literally a river of fire!

Angry Girl Scout gets…well, angrier…and drags Litre Cola closer to the pentagram.

Angry Girl Scout: Oh, no! Not again! Look, I’ve done the rites, I’ve spilled their blood, and now we’re gonna seal this deal!

Satan (sniffing the air): Is that… It smells like maple syrup!

Liter Cola: Canadian Finest, eh? I spilled some on my shirt a while ago…

The Maestro: A while ago? That was last week, eh?

Liter Cola: Well, we’ve been a little busy, eh?

Satan gets a far away look in his obsidian eyes.

Satan: That smell reminds me of Vermont…and Miriam…

Liter Cola looks up at Angry Girl Scout and silently mouths “Miriam?” She shrugs and looks over at Unsurprised. She gives him a nod while pointing at Satan. He shakes his head vehemently. She glares and pulls out the rusty butcher knife and points it at Unsurprised and mouths “Ask him!” Unsurprised sighs and nods reluctantly.

Unsurprised: So…um…Miriam…?

Satan (wistfully): Oh, she was this girl I met when I went on vacation several years ago. We had such a nice time…

Liter Cola: You get vacations?

Satan: Oh, I get out of Hell now & again. Of course I had to go back too soon. I was getting hexted constantly the last few days. It was really very annoying.

Angry Girl Scout (looking at her watch): Yeah, great. Look, I’d really love to hear all about it, but…

Satan: She had the cutest little button nose. And freckles. They were so adorable! Especially the way they sprinkled across her little nose, like…

Angry Girl Scout: Can we get on with this?

There is an ominous silence as Satan turns his head toward Angry Girl Scout. Flames dart around his eyes, and smoke curls out of his nose.

Which, yeah, makes him start coughing again.

Satan: Kaffkaffkaff! Kaff!

Litre Cola: You really need a cough drop or something. I think I might have one in my back pocket, eh?

Angry Girl Scout: Don’t be nice to him! He’s Satan! The Ruler of the Darkness! The King of the Bottomless Pit!

The Maestro: I thought that was Beerguyrob, eh?

Liter Cola: Oh, sure! He can put away more brewskies than anyone I know.

Angry Girl Scout: Stupid Canadians… Look, Satan…open up an abyssal pit so I can throw these guys in, then you can give me infernal might and we’re done, okay?

Satan (sulking again): Kaff! Fine, whatever.

Unsurprised: Seriously? That sucks, dude!

Satan looks at the ground and kicks it dejectedly with a cloven hoof.

Satan: Sorry, guys. But she did do the rites an’ all…

With a mighty stomp, Satan opens a crevice in the floor of the cabin. Flames erupt from it and the screams of the damned can be heard from within.

Angry Girl Scout (dragging Unsurprised toward the crevice): Finally! Any last words for your DFO buddies before I toss you into Hell?

Suddenly there’s a roaring sound of a car approaching at a rapid speed. Headlights flash through the cabin’s windows and light up the room.

Unsurprised: Yeah! See you in Hell, you little bi-

The Moosemobile crashes through the cabin’s wall and heads straight for the Angry Girl Scout. She has time for one obscene gesture before it strikes her full-on and sends her flying into the abyss. She disappears into the flames, cursing the whole way. The DFOers (and Unsurprised, and Satan) then watch as the Moosemobile slides past them, Moose at the wheel and attempting like mad to avoid driving right into the abyss.

WCS (in the back seat): Moose! We’re heading right for that flaming pit! Hit the brakes!

Future Moose (turning the wheel hard): I’m trying…but when we hit the cabin wall, Otto fell off the seat and rolled under the brake pedal!

Otto’s Brain (stuck under the brake pedal): Mmmmf!

The Moosemobile does a one-eighty, slides backwards, and teeters on the edge of the abyss precariously.

Señor Weaselo (as the Moosemobile teeters): All right, no one move too quickly. I think we’re going to be fine as long as we…

Otto’s Brain rolls out from under the brake pedal.

Otto’s Brain: Whew! Free at last! Boy, that was sure…

The Moosemobile tilts backwards and falls into the fiery abyss, disappearing from sight. Flames erupt from the crevice and then it closes ominously, the cabin floor resettling itself as if it had never been a portal to the infernal realms of Hell in the first place.

Unsurprised (looking over towards the Maestro): So…friends of yours?

The Maestro: They…were…?

Satan clears his throat. He’s looking down at the pentagram which was keeping him contained. It has a big tire mark across it, destroying its power to contain the devil.

Litre Cola: Uh-oh…

Man, Debbi Jo can really kiss! Gee whiz, you two kissed so much the windows on the car got all steamed up! You can’t even see the movie anymore.

Of course, no one can see in, either, and that’s a good thing. Good for you, at least. Not Debbi Jo. Too bad, because she’s really, really nice, but if you’re going to be a serial killer, you’ve got to start somewhere. You reach down under the seat and find the knife you left there. Nice! You spent all afternoon sharpening it so it’ll probably be over pretty quickly. You pull it out and Debbi Jo recoils away from it. Then she looks at it and starts laughing.

Laughing? You were expecting screaming, really. Maybe some pleading…useless, of course, but still, it’s nice to be asked… But nope, none of that. She laughs and points at the knife. “I thought it was silver,” she says.

OK, that’s not too weird.

Then it gets even weirder. Her eyes kind of yellow and she brushes her hair back with a hand that’s suddenly grown long claws. And they really don’t look like press-ons.

You figure it out by the time her nose turns into a snout, of course, and her teeth bare themselves in a vicious growl. A werewolf! Of course! Gosh, that’s sure a surpri-

Cut to: The DFO clubhouse, where Yeah Right and Teddy’s BOTW are watching Halloween Horror Theater on channel 13. Old School Zero walks in, hearing all the screams coming from the TV.

OSZ: What the heck are you guys watching?

Teddy’s BOTW: Grg!

Yeah Right: It’s Werewolf Drive-In Massacre! It’s just getting to the good part.

Teddy’s BOTW: Rrf!

OSZ (grimacing at the carnage on the screen): Ick. No, thanks, guys. I think I’ll just see what DTZM’s up to…

Yeah Right: OK. Oh! Wow, did you see that blood spray, Teddy?

Teddy’s BOTW (clapping happily): Hrg!

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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litre_cola

Normally I read in the morning. I just read while I am Irish whysky drn k and quite high. I am thankful for not being thrown in the abyss?
Yes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

ballsofsteelandfury

I really need to take something stronger when I read these.

laserguru

You certainly got me right. I’m a lifelong gore hound.

NEEDS MORE BLOOD!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

“Best guess for this image: Chloe Sevigny weird”

Nailed that one Google

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

“Hi, Unsurprised.”

“Hey.”

I think it’s cute that Beastmode thinks I have a soul and that Satan doesn’t already own it if I did.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Artist’s Depiction

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I hope you guys ordered some Thin Mints before that whole….you know, abyss thing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

You’d think Teddy had seen enough blood spurting out of a human body already

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I thought it was a totally internal explosion.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Every 28 days?

ballsofsteelandfury

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