We’re nearing the half-way mark of the regular season. Let that sink in for a moment. Are you done? Good. I feel like time is speeding by myself. I book-learned somewhere that as one ages this feeling occurs because there are no longer any ‘firsts’ to mark the passage of time so it seems like a blur. The first time you got laid, got married, killed a hobo, witnessed childbirth, ate an extra large pizza by yourself, were the focus of an intervention, received a handjob from your uncle, saw your son graduate, laundered money for the church-all these events serve to demarcate different phases of one’s life. As they recede in time, time itself gains momentum. The lesson here is that one shouldn’t read books. TO THE GAMES!
SF/Phi: The Eagles have but one mark against their record but are down Jason Peters and lb Jordan Hicks (maybe). Both qb’s have four intercepts but while Wentz has 17 TD’s to accompany that, Hoyer has but 4. Look for Ertz on the score sheet-he’s grabbed 5 six-pointers already.
Chi/NO: When your passing game/receiving corps is as lousy as the Bears is, it doesn’t matter if you’ve got the Truth (Biscuit) on your side. They did pull off the win last week due to a couple of defensive scores but have a gander at this. Chicago’s reception leader is Zach Miller with 20. My fingers tell me that’s less than three per game! On t’udder side wr Thomas leads the Saints with 35.
LAC/NE: The spread is only 7? Oh yeah, the Pats D sucks numerous dicks. The question then becomes: Can you score enough to keep up with Brady & Co.? My guess is that the LawnClippers will not be able to do such a thing.
Ind/Cin: Neither of these two-win squadoos look very good but if one of them is going to get their shit together and put it in a bag, my money is on Cincy. They’ve got too much firepower on the offensive side of the ball for them to be sporting this kind of record.
Atl/NYJ: This is the Falcons fourth straight tilt against the AFC East (schedule-makers fell asleep at the algorithm?) and all they have to show for it is three losses. Whether it was a win or a loss the Jets last four games have been decided by one score so this should be a closer game than a cursory glance would suggest.
Car/TB: The Panthers have dropped their last two and Tampa has lost three straight. Carolina needs this one so that they can stay within a game of the Saints.
Oak/Buf: This game is being sold as “One-time Bills starter EJ Manuel returns home!” Silliness. Despite the fact that the Buffalo D is only giving up 16 a game, if I was a fantasy baller with Amari Cooper on my team, I would start him. Zingo!
Bring the funny.
I’m going to go modify the Wikipedia entry for “awful” by adding a picture of the 49rs offense
Beathard seems to be better as an RB than a QB
He has 3.5 yards per pass attempt, 6.4 yards per rush.
Robby Fucking Anderson – in the pouring rain – is single-handedly killing my honky ass.
Staley has an eye injury. That’ll probably heal fast at least, but ouch.
So I went of YouTube to see what injury you were talking about. Yeah, now I understand. He pulled a Sid Vicious.
Hey FOX….Paedo State isn’t #2 anymore.
Fix your fucking graphics, jerkweeds.
They’re a better fit at 7-10 anyway.
Did you see that new iPhone screen-saver? That’s AMAZING. I’m buying one now.
I blocked out today to nurse the hangover I expected to get from last night’s halloween party. The hangover never came so today I am going to get my winter hydroponics set up rocking.
I feel bad for Rivers. He should traded to the Arizona or Jacksonville.
So what’s going on with Houston? Is something going to happen in the Houston game? Can anyone explain? But keep in mind for every time you use the words “twitter” or “tweet” or “social media post,” I shall kill myself.
There’s an NFL team in Houston?
I think it’s a work-release sorta thing.
Is Hopkins going to play?
Anthony? No, he’s out.
yes, per Rotowire.
500s owner pissed off all his black players. By comparing them to “prison inmates.”
Oh wait, I know, you’re talking about baseball!
Owner meant too say “inmates running the asylum”, but he said “prison” instead. Players respectfully disagreed with his poor choice of words.
Neither is a particularly good choice of words, to be honest.
“Asylum” would be a better choice than calling his players criminals. Asylum would imply the situation has gotten out of control.
Wouldn’t it imply that the players were all crazy?
I didn’t say it was a good choice, I said better choice.
“inmates running the asylum” is at least a phrase in use. Prison just instantly says DAS RAYCESS!
I would think the “inmates” term would be pretty bad, no matter where they are, implying they can’t leave/are being taken advantage of. I think Id rather be in a prison than some “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest” asylum.
JESTS/DIRTY BIRDS seems to be a thing.
That’s not a fucking catch?
Ignore the broken leg he rolled over with it
you died 4 nothing!!
Yeah I don’t get it either.
I think Cam needs to turn off his headset. Just call his own plays.
Yeah but all he’d ever call would be designed rollouts.
Turn off your headset, you can do it.
“Yeah, that spooky ghost in my head is right.”
Turns off
targeting computerheadset.Concentrates like, real hard.
Grab her in the pussy.
“Uh, you got the wrong
presidentQB, man.Will someone tell Dalton the 5-yard white border is not in the field of play?!
Beathard is 8 for 19. He should not do that.
“We’re not to going to show you the replay?”
Oh really?
Have the Niners even gotten a first down in this game? I honestly can’t recall seeing one
The Fat Humps are blessed.
Blessed are the Fat Humps, for they are full of gravy.
[scrambles to make gravy joke]
[re-freshes screen]
“SON OF A BITCH, RIKKI!”
What a cool TD celebration! He’s acting like he blew out his knee!
Oh, he blew out his knee..
I hate method actors. They always go too far into their roles.
Jesus. I’ve seen Saudi Arabian shoplifting convicts who would do a better job of holding onto the ball than my Raiders today.
Jesus Christ why are they showing that miller replay. Good god
Is it that bad?
It was bad enough that the booth crew said “We’re not going to show that again” and have now TWICE shown replays of it.
That bad, huh?
Nice pass by the Forced Labor Camp but Miller is hurt.
Touchdown… Bears?!
My God. BLEERGH just screwed over both teams!
Why does Jordan Howard seem fat?
NFL Films cameras add 50 pounds?
Speaking of the The GO-GO’s-here’s their tribute to female porn stars that quit the business.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3kQlzOi27M
Wow. Indy got the ball.
STAY IN FG range, Buffalo.
Philip Rivers just… I don’t believe it. Thunder Thighs!
how very Laserface of Laserface
Do the 49rs serve Malk in their cafeteria?
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Things worse than waiting during soundcheck: Waiting during your students’ soundcheck. And there’s a choir.
I need a vacation.
Vacations are pretty awesome
Best I can do is a Life Swap. No refunds.
Ask and ye shall receive. You’re welcome.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RHTiXvELNg
When I clicked on the link it said “The uploader has not made this video available in your country” which rather effectively illustrates my point.
Who knew Canada was one of those lazy socialist “Siesta” countries.
Anyone claiming America is a great country is ignoring that standard paid vacation for a job here is two weeks. That alone makes it a shitty country.
Sounds like you’re just bitter and need to grab your bootstraps, put your nose to the grindstone, go back in time to be born into wealth and get the type of cushy job where you are in charge of two week vacation peons, but you can chopper to the cape every other week.
“Sounds like you’re just bitter–”
/nods approvingly
Most places give 3 now, and you can work up to a month with seniority. I’ll be getting 21 days at my new job, and they let you take a sabattical every 5 years
“You’re running a fever again. Gotta stop hanging out with those skanky koalas.”
Australia really has the most ridiculous animals
Tree Kittens are the worst!
Those things are riddled with chlamydia
So when’s their album coming out?
That’s the biggest stick bug I’ve ever seen.
fucking Gronk, I needed that for fantasy and I may hate the Shitty Clippers even worse than the P*ts now
So the saints game is playing nakamura’s theme (he’s a wrestler)
I am legitimately curious as to the decision making that led to that
Well, I’m going to spend this halftime like I do most Bengals halftimes. With the lights out, me lying in my bed staring into the abyss while slowly slipping into madness.
The most absurd part of that commercial where the jets kid gets a giants jersey is the ease he rips the tape off the box. I have to get a fucking steak knife if I wanna open something
Four out of five hookers buried in your backyard agree.
Foxboro playing “Who Are You”. Would be funnier if it was a Bolts home game.
with femur drum rhythm section
Oh, Bengals.
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Really Cincy – late hit.
Woohoo halftime! Now I can watch highlights from the other games!
While I’m thrilled at the possibility that Trubisky may crack double digit completions, I’m thinking of turning off football and putting on something less depressing like You’re the Worst.
In the refs defense #10 was in the area, and apparently has a 45 feet reach.
Welp, GetsBeatHard has an arm on him, at least.
Indeed. That was a surprisingly un-shitty throw. Still didn’t work, but like a B+ for effort
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEOximWoFd0
C’mon Jameis, meaningless hail mary TD rec to Mike Evans to end the half, you shitmonkey.
Right idea, shittily executed. Meh.
Our Franchise QB, Ladies and Gentlemen and Variations Thereupon!
Good, no more passing for Cam now. Give Dingleberry Cousins a chance to give me another undeserved win. Hippo need the money.