We’re nearing the half-way mark of the regular season. Let that sink in for a moment. Are you done? Good. I feel like time is speeding by myself. I book-learned somewhere that as one ages this feeling occurs because there are no longer any ‘firsts’ to mark the passage of time so it seems like a blur. The first time you got laid, got married, killed a hobo, witnessed childbirth, ate an extra large pizza by yourself, were the focus of an intervention, received a handjob from your uncle, saw your son graduate, laundered money for the church-all these events serve to demarcate different phases of one’s life. As they recede in time, time itself gains momentum. The lesson here is that one shouldn’t read books. TO THE GAMES!
SF/Phi: The Eagles have but one mark against their record but are down Jason Peters and lb Jordan Hicks (maybe). Both qb’s have four intercepts but while Wentz has 17 TD’s to accompany that, Hoyer has but 4. Look for Ertz on the score sheet-he’s grabbed 5 six-pointers already.
Chi/NO: When your passing game/receiving corps is as lousy as the Bears is, it doesn’t matter if you’ve got the Truth (Biscuit) on your side. They did pull off the win last week due to a couple of defensive scores but have a gander at this. Chicago’s reception leader is Zach Miller with 20. My fingers tell me that’s less than three per game! On t’udder side wr Thomas leads the Saints with 35.
LAC/NE: The spread is only 7? Oh yeah, the Pats D sucks numerous dicks. The question then becomes: Can you score enough to keep up with Brady & Co.? My guess is that the LawnClippers will not be able to do such a thing.
Ind/Cin: Neither of these two-win squadoos look very good but if one of them is going to get their shit together and put it in a bag, my money is on Cincy. They’ve got too much firepower on the offensive side of the ball for them to be sporting this kind of record.
Atl/NYJ: This is the Falcons fourth straight tilt against the AFC East (schedule-makers fell asleep at the algorithm?) and all they have to show for it is three losses. Whether it was a win or a loss the Jets last four games have been decided by one score so this should be a closer game than a cursory glance would suggest.
Car/TB: The Panthers have dropped their last two and Tampa has lost three straight. Carolina needs this one so that they can stay within a game of the Saints.
Oak/Buf: This game is being sold as “One-time Bills starter EJ Manuel returns home!” Silliness. Despite the fact that the Buffalo D is only giving up 16 a game, if I was a fantasy baller with Amari Cooper on my team, I would start him. Zingo!
Bring the funny.
The worst start in 49rs history, I suspect it will be followed up by the worst continuation in franchise history
Are you saying getting rid of Harbaugh was the worse decision made in Bay Area sports history. Even beating out drafting Jamarcus Russell.
Jets just need Hail Mary, spike, Hail Mary
To Kearse, please.
The Kearse of the Mummy?
More or less, yes.
I’m considering putting him and Funchess up as a package deal for a trade before the deadline.
But nobody wants either, let alone both. *sigh*
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkJDUvv-_eo
I legitimately struggle to remember last time I saw such a poorly officiated game that didn’t involve new England, Pittsburgh, or green bay
Laserface can’t get the Hail Mary to the end zone from the 23
Cowboy time folks.
Shitty Clippers’ fans (both of them): So you’re saying there’s a chance?
They’re still in 1st place, give it by the all-star break and a 4 game win streak from the Lakers and the fickle “sports fans” of LA to jump ship to the Kings.
Shitty Clippers = Chargers
Also, Clippers not in first place.
Foles is in
Alright, The Bengals have to play with the lead.
OH SHIT! THE BENGALS HAVE TO PLAY WITH THE LEAD?!
http://files.sexyandfunny.com/photos/img_disp/img4e5f12e9f0135.gif
why you let stunt people do the dangerous work.
time for some quality Laserface
He drew that neutral zone infraction by sheer force of will.
http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/comment/dog-sex-fail-guy-722136.gif
Based on the URL, I’m not gonna click that.
It’s a silly animation; DFOSFH.
[grumbles about FF team]
*”get-ready-for-work” alarm goes off*
[turns off alarm]
[cracks beer]
[smiles]
As much as I hate Chip Kelly for DeSean Jackson, the intensity is 1000x more every time I see Shady being Shady
Geez, imagine his reaction to the anthem protests if he were still in the league
Up the tempo of the anthem, downside is the honor guard has to stay on the field longer?
Alright. Just four more drives like that last one, and we’ll have this one in the bag.
………. . …….
…..
Fuck you universe
“I’ve got a lot on my plate. Who are you again?”
-The Universe
The one with a more self worth than he deserves
Donald Trump?
Oh Jets
Oh Derpy Birds
Oh bears
I think I’m better off just forcing myself to nap.
Briskecption!
Bengals get a good thing that they totally deserve!
Looking at the scores, am I correct in thinking that every single other game is better than the one I’m watching?
THESE 49RS I CALL THEM FISH BECAUSE THEY ARE BEING EATEN ALIVE BY EAGLES
*stock footage of eagles throwing fish in Seattle*
Leonard Cohen woulda caught that
Only after he’d taken Manhattan.
Caught cancer with one hand.
I don’t know about that. Jeff Buckley covered him pretty well.
If AJ Green attacks Andy Dalton on the field during this game, will a jury convict him?
Yes, because he didn’t do it sooner
THAT’S SO JETS
Niners should rest their starters for the rest of the season if they have any
I really kind of wish the Browns were playing the 49rs this year, just to see what would happen. Thursday game for choice
……… someone at the bar just called Mitchell white lightning
Did I just hear that the Falcon’s illegal grounding penalty was “half the distance to the goal”? Why isn’t it just a spot foul where Ryan was, if he was closer to the end zone than his own line of scrimmage?
Because that is the way the rule book reads. Penalty from the LoS.
Thanks Tevin, for those useless yards for your team that happen to be so precious for my team.
When I picked up McKown as my backup, it was to cover Brady’s bye week next week with the best possible replacement. It never occurred to me I might want to start him over Brady today. Jeebus.
McKown; tWBS’s wingman.
Shitty Clippers have a surprisingly effective pass defense.
Whitefish Energy is charging Puerto Rico $286/hr.for a mechanic. How much of that do you think the mechanic sees?
[COMPLEX EQUATION] $13.28.
woof
That Jenny Craig is working for ya, ‘Dog.
Is there a patron deity of blocked field goals, or does that also fall within SHANK’LOR’s portfolio?
Maybe there’s a cherub or something?
It’s cuz I had to fly him in to appear in my column
WELP
YUP
ERP
BURP
There’s no reason other than tradition that you have to give your kid the family name. You would think someone would have gotten creative and named their kid something like Catches A. Football
But then no one could determine if he/she is a kid or not.
But what if you do that and they end up becoming something like….I dunno….a CPA?
Then they marry someone whose last name is Deduction?
Dee Duction
This is hilarious.
Thank you for this hearty giggle I’ve just enjoyed thoroughly.
They could change it themselves, or just use it as a funny story at those swinging CPA parties
As I learned from Ghostbusters, if you invite mostly clients and business contacts to your orgy, it’s all tax-deductible!
Code Blue: 2017 Bengals Season
And Niners 1st down. The Eagles must be sitting their starters on D
THIS IS JUST THE THING I NEED
FOR MY PENIS
Come on, Derek. Invoke the spirit of Blake Bortles and get your garbage time on.
“Jesus, the Raiders look terrible today…” Rikki said for the fifth time this season.
Well, that’s a relief. I was wondering whether it was possible that the Bills are actually good.
So young and innocent, poor thing hasn’t seen the 49ers play
This is hypnotic.
Has everybody heard about the twerking bird?
/birdbirdbird, bbbbirdbirdbird*
*and so on
Nice.
Nice last gasp there, Niners
49rs score? Huh, I should go buy a lotto ticket
Weather-wise it’s getting ugly in New York. Like, Tiffany Trump ugly.
?w=2000
That’s more like Geostorm.
If you have a Twitter account and ever get bored, just tweet something about dead dogs at Mike Huckabee and you can say you’re blocked by a former governor and presidential candidate.
His daughter is a living dog.
TDs are bad, Bills. JUST SAY NO.
The ball Wentz to the 49rs
That is fucking terrible; so yeah, I liked it.
49ers and Browns don’t play each other. We could get an 0-16 team that doesn’t get the 1st overall pick.
That’s so #ThePauls.
Strength of schedule would be the tiebreaker…who’s ahead on that so far?
Niners would end up picking ahead of the Browns (.522 to .518)
keep kicking FGs, BUF, you are my bestest fantasy option