Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 99)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

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The scene: The Secret Island of Doktor Zymm! Specifically, the lab where Doktor Zymm is trying to resurrect Yolanda the vampire from her current state. Which is basically dust and ash. The lab is filled with bubbling chemicals, test tubes, beakers…all that science-y stuff. Doktor Zymm is pouring the last of the Yolanda ash into a graduated cylinder, which is connected by a tube to a retort flask containing a crimson liquid, and another tube connects them both to a person-sized container.

Ballsofsteelandfury is sitting in a lab chair. He has a bandage on his right index finger and is spinning idly in the chair.

Ballsofsteelandfury (spinning): So, Dok…you done yet?

Doktor Zymm: Almost. Und ztop asking me if I’m done yet. Ven I am, I vill tell you.

Ballsofsteelandfury (spinning): Geez, touchy much? I’m the one who should be pissed off. You made this whole show of strapping me in to take my blood… How come you didn’t tell me you just needed a few drops, since you were gonna synthesize it anyway?

Doktor Zymm (shrugging): And vere vould ze fun be in zat? Und anyway, you are very touchy about your fingers.

Ballsofsteelandfury shoots an experimental finger gun with his bandaged finger.

Ballsofsteelandfury (frowning): Seems to be working okay, but it’s still kind of sore.

Doktor Zymm (rolling her eyes): Zen don’t do zat for a few days!

Ballsofsteelandfury (grumbling): Easy for you to say…

Doktor Zymm finishes her work and heads for the door.

Doktor Zymm: Vell, are you coming? Ve are done here for now.

Ballsofsteelandfury jumps up out of the chair and shoots a pair of finger guns, then winces dramatically.

Ballsofsteelandfury (following Zymm out of the lab): Are you sure there won’t be any permanent damage?

The door closes and all is quiet for a few moments, save for the bubbling chemicals. Then the door opens and Cupid flits in, followed by Minerva.

Cupid: Nah, nobody in here, either. Geez! You woulda thought we’d find someone to kill by now!

Minerva (looking around): I’m not interested in random slaughter, Cupid. I just want to find this Fozz person who attacked Mars. We can’t just let an assault like that go unanswered.

Cupid (flitting around the room): Hey! I bet I know what dis place is…it’s a drug lab, right? Dese guys are breaking bad!

Minerva (sighing): No, you little degenerate. This is something else entirely…

Cupid (pouting): Oh, yeah? How d’you know?

Minerva (examining the graduated cylinder): Well, along with warfare, wisdom, poetry, the arts and commerce, I am the goddess of medicine. That does give me some insight here.

Cupid: Oh, yeah. Huh. Sorry, I always look at yer great gams an’ forget you’ve got that big brain, too. So what’re they brewin’ up here?

Minerva (studying the cylinder): It looks like they’re trying to resurrect…a vampire?

Cupid (shivering theatrically): Ick! Why would anyone wanna do that? Dose things are a menace!

Minerva (shrugging): Who knows? Humans are an odd bunch. Come on, we still need to find the Fozz…

Minerva exits the lab. Cupid hesitates, then draws one of his little arrows, crushes it into a fine, glittering dust, and sprinkles it into the graduated cylinder with the ash. Giggling, he flies out of the lab after Minerva.

Cut to: BFC and Jerry, walking through the jungle with Hercules (who they’re convinced is Steve Reeves). They’re walking towards the cove. Hercules is finishing off a whole roasted pig. He casually tosses the head out over the water and Sharky, the great white stoner shark, flips up happily into the air, engulfs the pig head, and splashes back into the water. The trio approach Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van, which is parked near the cove.

BFC: Hey, this must belong to that Marc guy. I bet he’d love to meet Ste…er, Hercules.

Hercules: Most people do. Unless I kill them. But I don’t do that much anymore.

Jerry (knocking on the van’s door): Do you guys smell…

[VAN DOORS FLY OPEN]

A yuuuge wave of smoke wafts over the trio. BFC and Jerry’s eyes immediately dilate, but Hercules just takes a yuuuge breath and inhales the smoke with a grin on his face. From inside the van, Marc Trestmans Windowless Van and a crabman peek out through the haze.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa, dudes! Like, me and Sharkbait were just hotboxing the van, man.

BFC (blinking): Shark..bait…?

The crabman nods happily and taps himself on the chest with a pincer.

Sharkbait: Zsherk butt!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Cool, man, you’re getting closer. Like, I’m teaching him English, man.

Jerry: Isn’t that one of those crabman guys that was tearing up the lab?

Sharkbait (waving his pincers around): Tktk mkt mk vkt! [I can’t feel my pincers, man!]

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Sharkbait’s cool, man. Plus, he’s, like, grieving right now. Like, Sharky ate his friend, man.

Sharkbait (tapping his pincers on his face): Tkt vu? Vu tktk mk… [Do I have lips? It feels like I have lips…]

Hercules (finally exhaling a cloud of smoke): That is some righteous weed!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Well, come on in, man! Like, there’s more where that came from.

Hercules (climbing in the van): I thought you’d never ask!

Jerry climbs into the van, but BFC hesitates.

Jerry: Come on, dude!

BFC: I dunno…remember that van in Bangladesh…?

Jerry (looking around at the van): Dude, I do not see any handcuffs in here. And I’m pretty sure there aren’t any cameras.

BFC (climbing in): Well…OK. But if a dwarf in a gimp suit pops out again, I am outta here!

Cut to: Covalent Blonde walking down a hallway in the secret base with Moosemas Gorilla and, perched on his shoulder, Horatio Cornblower.

Covalent Blonde: I’m just saying, John Lynch should be managing…I don’t know, maybe the sports department at your local Sears? But an actual NFL team…?

Moosemas Gorilla (nodding): Ook. Ook-ook.

Horatio Cornblower: Aw, it’s not so bad, CB. Someday the Niners will be relevant again. I mean, sure, we’ll all be long dead by then, but…

As they turn a corner, the three run right into Minerva and Cupid.

Minerva: I swear, this place is worse than that stupid labyrinth in Knossos…

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Covalent Blonde: Hey, who the hell are you?

Minerva: I am the goddess Minerva, blonde mortal. And you would do well to speak to me with…

Covalent Blonde (interrupting): Uh-huh. And what the hell are you doing here?

Cupid: Oh, dat’s easy! We’re here to kill the Fozz. Say, d’you know where he is…?

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Shogun Marcus
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So wait…he’s NAWT Steve Reeves?

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

I know, right. He’s not NOT Steve Reeves….

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would like to thank Internet Dad for going through a little patch of hell and fixing teh site AFTER IT SPODEDED. HALLELUJAH!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
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Thanks buddy. The “Oh, it’s just a busted plugin” thing sucks when you have to guess which one it is.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nope, thank you. Now I don’t have to express anything verbally with my interwebs friends.

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
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Hello boners!

Sharkbait
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Sharkbait
Sharkbait
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Sharkbait

Damnit.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
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Man, why is Cupid always such a dick?

Wakezilla
Member

He always gives, never receives?

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Horatio Cornblower
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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I smell romance!!

nomonkeyfun
Member

[Do I have lips? It feels like I have lips…]

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