Latest posts by The Maestro (see all)
- Coach Carroll’s Weird Mysteries: The Hinterkaifeck Murders – April 19, 2018
- Coach Carroll’s Weird Mysteries: The Flannan Isles Lighthouse – April 12, 2018
- Coach Carroll’s Weird Mysteries: The Tunguska Event – April 5, 2018
Week 10 is upon us imminently, and the New England Patriots are, once again, atop the AFC East Division, with a 6-2 record.
FACK THEM, THOSE FACKIN’ QUEEAHS
I CAN’T BELIEVE I CHEEAHD FOAH THIS FACKIN’ TEAM, EVAH
Wait — Tawmmy — why are you upset, exactly? I feel like considering the questionable start to the year, this is a pretty good place to be sitting, all things considered.
THEY FACKIN’ TRADED AWAY JANEANE GAROFALO, THAT’S WHY
Hahahah, ok, fair enough, I guess I could see why you’re potentially upset about that. However, considering the way that Brady’s playing so well, when, honestly, was he ever going to get his shot to play?
MY FACKIN’ BOY SULLY USED TAH DRIVE TAH FACKIN’ FALL RIVAH ALL THAH WAY FROM ROXBURY TAH GET BLOWIES EVERY THUHSDAY AFTAHNOON FROM A CHICK WHO LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE HER-AH
HE SWEAHS IT WAS HER-AH FACKIN’ COUSIN
Um, ok then. Regardless, can we at least take a minute to talk about some of the bigger things that New England’s gonna be facing coming up in the second half of the…
SULLY SWEAHHS THAT GAROFALO CHICK COULD SUCK A WHOLE FACKIN’ GRAPEFRUIT OUTTA THE END OF A YOO-HOO STRAW
I’m not sure why you’re telling me this.
THAT BROAD’S PROBABLY GOT MOAH V.D.’S THAN WE HAVE FACKIN’ CHAMPIONSHIP RINGS IN THIS TOWN
NO ONE DENIES THIS
AND NOW GAROFALO’S FACKIN’ OUTTA HEAH
HOW AHHH YOU S’POSED TA REPLACE TALENT AND EXPERIENCE LIKE THAT
You know that… you know… that’s Garoppolo that got traded… right? Like, different spelling? And chromosomes… right? And also… Janeane Garofalo’s an avowed asexual? And, like, clearly not living in Fall River?
THE FACK KINDA FANCY BULLSHIT YOU TALKIN’ ABOUT HEAH
WE AHH CURSED WITH ALWAYS LOSIN’ OW-AH BEST TALENT
FACKIN’ JEWKAH GOES DOWN
THEN FACKIN’ HIGHTOWAH
AND NOW THE BEST BLOWIE EXPAHT IN NEW ENGLAND
AND YOU AHH JUST NAWT A BELIEVAH LIKE WE AHH
I… what? How did you even get in on this article? And I thought you said you stopped cheering for the team?
SOMEBODY DROPPED A FLYAH ON GRAWNK’S PAHHTY BUS OFFERIN’ PILLS AND FOOTBALL TALK ON THE INTAHNET
Fuck, that was probably one of the newer users. Ugh. Also, that’s not answering my question.
EVEN IF THA FACKIN’ GREATRIOTS WIN ANOTHAH SUPAH BOWL – AND MAHHKY-MAHHK MY WOHDS, THEY WILL – IF MY BOY SULLY CAN’T GET THE BEST BLOWIES AROUND THEN WHAT’S THE FACKIN’ POINT OF ALL THIS
NO ONE WILL EVAHH UNDAHSTAND OW-AH PAIN
You’re literally fucking insane. Not only is Jimmy Garoppolo not Janeane Garofalo, but Janeane Garofalo isn’t whoever this lady is in podunk Massachussetts.
No, seriously. Tell your boy Sully to get in the car. She’ll be there. Assuming he beats the fentanyl dealer there.
YOU BETTAH NOT BE FACKIN’ WITH ME
[pulls out phone, absolutely screaming into it]
SULLY, YOU FACK, LISTEN UP
I WAS JUST TALKIN’ TO SOME CANUCK AND HE SWEAHS THAT GAROFALO AIN’T REALLY GAROFALO
YEAH LIKE SHE AIN’T PLAYIN’ QB ON SUNDAYS
NO, I’M FACKIN’ SERIOUS
YEAH WELL FACKIN’ GO DOWN AND SEE HER-AH THEN
AND TELL ME WHAT’S UP SO I CAN GO SEE HER-AH SISTAH ON TUESDAY
You guys are gross. But… does this mean you’re cheering for the Patriots again?
ANYBODY WHO DOESN’T CHEEAH FOAH THE FACKIN’ GREATRIOTS IS A FACKIN’ QUEEAH
NO ONE DENIES THIS, BABY
FIVE FACKIN’ RINGS, COUNT ‘EM
But… you just said…
NO ONE DENIES THIS
I literally have it written like half a page up!
NO ONE DENIES THIS
God dammit. Fuck. Just fuck off and let me finish this in peace.
Anyhow. The Patriots. Yeah, things are gonna be fine. The D is looking better than it did early on, and even with the loss of Dont’a Hightower from the front seven, they’ll be able to sort things out all the same. Not super pleased still with the secondary – it’s been underperforming all year – but with some added time off and a whole bunch of divisional games backloaded at the end of the schedule, there’s a chance to create some separation there. With the Bills getting their shit pumped by the Jets earlier, and with the Dolphins turning back into the pumpkin everyone expected them to be with Jay Cutler under center, the division remains largely the same as it ever was. The real question remains whether they’ll be able to secure a first-round bye once again this year – with the Steelers playing better as of late (and also holding an identical 6-2 record), there’s a chance the #1 seed could reside in Pittsburgh, especially with the way that the Steelers have figured how to spread their offense around even further thanks to the emergence of JuJu Smith-Schuster.
Malcolm Mitchell’s coming back soon, hopefully, which will add another versatile receiving threat, and ideally Cyrus Jones is healthy again soon to help with depth in the secondary; hopefully Nate Solder can also stabilize some rather up-and-down play that we’ve seen thus far from the O-Line. I’d predict another 12-4 finish is likely.
The Denver game coming up has me concerned, even with the Eagles racking up 51 points on them — despite having a Cerberus of shit at quarterback in Brock Lobster/QuarterPax/Semen Demon, the defense remains good, and can definitely apply a lot of pressure on the pass rush. Plus, playing the Broncos in Denver has had decidedly mixed results the last few years for New England.
The good news is that every game left on the schedule is absolutely winnable. This is the benefit of being the best team of the 21st century. (This is a fact. Fight me. FACK YOU.) The bad news is that they’ll have to potentially expend more effort than usual to win them all.
At any rate, HAIL BLEERGH, and hopefully see you folks throwing hate my way in the Super Bowl once again.