Bye Week Update: New England Patriots

The Maestro
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The Maestro

The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn’t in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
The Maestro
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Week 10 is upon us imminently, and the New England Patriots are, once again, atop the AFC East Division, with a 6-2 record.

FACK THEM, THOSE FACKIN’ QUEEAHS

I CAN’T BELIEVE I CHEEAHD FOAH THIS FACKIN’ TEAM, EVAH

Wait — Tawmmy — why are you upset, exactly? I feel like considering the questionable start to the year, this is a pretty good place to be sitting, all things considered.

THEY FACKIN’ TRADED AWAY JANEANE GAROFALO, THAT’S WHY

Hahahah, ok, fair enough, I guess I could see why you’re potentially upset about that. However, considering the way that Brady’s playing so well, when, honestly, was he ever going to get his shot to play?

MY FACKIN’ BOY SULLY USED TAH DRIVE TAH FACKIN’ FALL RIVAH ALL THAH WAY FROM ROXBURY TAH GET BLOWIES EVERY THUHSDAY AFTAHNOON FROM A CHICK WHO LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE HER-AH

HE SWEAHS IT WAS HER-AH FACKIN’ COUSIN

Um, ok then. Regardless, can we at least take a minute to talk about some of the bigger things that New England’s gonna be facing coming up in the second half of the…

SULLY SWEAHHS THAT GAROFALO CHICK COULD SUCK A WHOLE FACKIN’ GRAPEFRUIT OUTTA THE END OF A YOO-HOO STRAW

I’m not sure why you’re telling me this.

THAT BROAD’S PROBABLY GOT MOAH V.D.’S THAN WE HAVE FACKIN’ CHAMPIONSHIP RINGS IN THIS TOWN

NO ONE DENIES THIS

AND NOW GAROFALO’S FACKIN’ OUTTA HEAH

HOW AHHH YOU S’POSED TA REPLACE TALENT AND EXPERIENCE LIKE THAT

You know that… you know… that’s Garoppolo that got traded… right? Like, different spelling? And chromosomes… right? And also… Janeane Garofalo’s an avowed asexual? And, like, clearly not living in Fall River?

CHROMA-WHAT NOW

THE FACK KINDA FANCY BULLSHIT YOU TALKIN’ ABOUT HEAH

WE AHH CURSED WITH ALWAYS LOSIN’ OW-AH BEST TALENT

FACKIN’ JEWKAH GOES DOWN

THEN FACKIN’ HIGHTOWAH

AND NOW THE BEST BLOWIE EXPAHT IN NEW ENGLAND

AND YOU AHH JUST NAWT A BELIEVAH LIKE WE AHH

I… what? How did you even get in on this article? And I thought you said you stopped cheering for the team?

SOMEBODY DROPPED A FLYAH ON GRAWNK’S PAHHTY BUS OFFERIN’ PILLS AND FOOTBALL TALK ON THE INTAHNET

Fuck, that was probably one of the newer users. Ugh. Also, that’s not answering my question.

EVEN IF THA FACKIN’ GREATRIOTS WIN ANOTHAH SUPAH BOWL – AND MAHHKY-MAHHK MY WOHDS, THEY WILL – IF MY BOY SULLY CAN’T GET THE BEST BLOWIES AROUND THEN WHAT’S THE FACKIN’ POINT OF ALL THIS

NO ONE WILL EVAHH UNDAHSTAND OW-AH PAIN

You’re literally fucking insane. Not only is Jimmy Garoppolo not Janeane Garofalo, but Janeane Garofalo isn’t whoever this lady is in podunk Massachussetts.

FACK YOU

No, seriously. Tell your boy Sully to get in the car. She’ll be there. Assuming he beats the fentanyl dealer there.

YOU BETTAH NOT BE FACKIN’ WITH ME

[pulls out phone, absolutely screaming into it]

SULLY, YOU FACK, LISTEN UP

I WAS JUST TALKIN’ TO SOME CANUCK AND HE SWEAHS THAT GAROFALO AIN’T REALLY GAROFALO

YEAH LIKE SHE AIN’T PLAYIN’ QB ON SUNDAYS

Created by yours truly.

NO, I’M FACKIN’ SERIOUS

YEAH WELL FACKIN’ GO DOWN AND SEE HER-AH THEN

AND TELL ME WHAT’S UP SO I CAN GO SEE HER-AH SISTAH ON TUESDAY

You guys are gross. But… does this mean you’re cheering for the Patriots again?

ANYBODY WHO DOESN’T CHEEAH FOAH THE FACKIN’ GREATRIOTS IS A FACKIN’ QUEEAH

NO ONE DENIES THIS, BABY

FIVE FACKIN’ RINGS, COUNT ‘EM

But… you just said…

NO ONE DENIES THIS

I literally have it written like half a page up!

NO ONE DENIES THIS

God dammit. Fuck. Just fuck off and let me finish this in peace.

Anyhow. The Patriots. Yeah, things are gonna be fine. The D is looking better than it did early on, and even with the loss of Dont’a Hightower from the front seven, they’ll be able to sort things out all the same. Not super pleased still with the secondary – it’s been underperforming all year – but with some added time off and a whole bunch of divisional games backloaded at the end of the schedule, there’s a chance to create some separation there. With the Bills getting their shit pumped by the Jets earlier, and with the Dolphins turning back into the pumpkin everyone expected them to be with Jay Cutler under center, the division remains largely the same as it ever was. The real question remains whether they’ll be able to secure a first-round bye once again this year – with the Steelers playing better as of late (and also holding an identical 6-2 record), there’s a chance the #1 seed could reside in Pittsburgh, especially with the way that the Steelers have figured how to spread their offense around even further thanks to the emergence of JuJu Smith-Schuster.

Malcolm Mitchell’s coming back soon, hopefully, which will add another versatile receiving threat, and ideally Cyrus Jones is healthy again soon to help with depth in the secondary; hopefully Nate Solder can also stabilize some rather up-and-down play that we’ve seen thus far from the O-Line. I’d predict another 12-4 finish is likely.

The Denver game coming up has me concerned, even with the Eagles racking up 51 points on them — despite having a Cerberus of shit at quarterback in Brock Lobster/QuarterPax/Semen Demon, the defense remains good, and can definitely apply a lot of pressure on the pass rush. Plus, playing the Broncos in Denver has had decidedly mixed results the last few years for New England.

The good news is that every game left on the schedule is absolutely winnable. This is the benefit of being the best team of the 21st century. (This is a fact. Fight me. FACK YOU.) The bad news is that they’ll have to potentially expend more effort than usual to win them all.

At any rate, HAIL BLEERGH, and hopefully see you folks throwing hate my way in the Super Bowl once again.

The Maestro
The Maestro

The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn’t in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.

https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/author/the-maestro/

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Fronkenshteen
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Fronkenshteen
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well done.

This week’s game is going to fucking suck. Bradybelichicken will destroy the shambles of the Cleveland Broncos. I don’t hate the Eggles and that was terrible…. combined with my white hot rage against the P*triots…. well fuck.

But I will still watch it because I can’t afford a man-hating dominatrix with cutlery right now.

SonOfSpam
Member

This was just terrific ya fackin queeah.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Member
Viva La Tabula Raza

Getting Martellus Bennett back will not hurt, either.

Game Time Decision
Member
Game Time Decision

i wonder how the real life Tawmmy is doing.

Game Time Decision
Member
Game Time Decision

future “Boots on the ground”?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

FIVE FACKIN’ RINGS, COUNT ‘EM

Does this include the ring that Putin stole?

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

Tawmmy from Quinzee will never not be funny. I know way too many of these knuckle draggers.

blaxabbath
Member

“AND MAHHKY-MAHHK MY WOHDS”

I am firmly against reparation payouts. However, I’m all for just giving every slave-descendant household their own New Englander.

Big Black Richard
Member
Big Black Richard

Ummmm…..no. We’re good. Thanks.

nomonkeyfun
Member

Winning this division is like beating a group of 5 year old quadriplegics in a foot race.

blaxabbath
Member

“5 year olds? NICCCEEEEEE.”
-Roy Moore

Wakezilla
Member

“Did you and I just become best friends?”

–Jim Sandusky–

Creepier version of Step Brothers 2?

https://resizing.flixster.com/NUFmqlssa5LnrpPimWiob4V49Pw=/300×300/v1.aDszMzA3O2o7MTc1MDU7MTIwMDs1MjY7NzAw

Wakezilla
Member

So. . . how do we successfully post pictures in posts/replies?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

By the way, this was magnificent. Some of your finest work.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

The only thing that can derail the Pats’ season is a catastrophic injury to Brady.
But we wouldn’t want that to happen, now would we?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

[throws hate at TheMaestro]

[is intercepted]

– DeShone Kizer

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