We had our first significant snowfall last night/into the morning and let me tell you, I don’t miss that stuff at all. Services in my community and along the highway snowplow-wise are dying The Death of a Thousand Cuts. What this seems to mean out this way is that only the main roads are taken care of so it’s a bit of a struggle to get to them. Since I’ve never ended up in a ditch I still giggle when I happen to pass by some unfortunate putz that wasn’t driving according to the conditions. [thinks of a painfully godawful segue] You know who else isn’t driving very well lately? The Dallas Offense! HAH! Let’s go…TO THE GAME!
Dallas/Washington: This NFC East Battle Royale for second place way, way behind the Eagles is sponsored by the good folks of Montreal because it’s Just For Laughs. The winner gets the 6-6 tiara and the brief hope that they be relevant in the wild card race for another week. After Zeke took a league-mandated break the Cowboys run game has fallen apart. I mean that Alfred Morris is so bad… [looks at his yards per carry average of 5.8] Ah…so bad that they only give him 12 touches a game! Yeah, that’s it. Sure does seem that the thinking of OC Linehan changed and he said, “It’s your team, Canned Ham, let’s see what you can do!”. What the DAK!-ster has responded with is 5 picks in the last two games. If I’m not mistaken, he threw 4 all last year-so perhaps he’s a not-ready-for-prime-time player. As mentioned in this very space before, the Dacteds are suffering from a wee injury apocalypse. Captain Kirk Cousins is one of only three fellas on O that has started every game and is surprisingly (to me) second in the league in passing yards. So you fantasy dudes might want to start a certain Crowder kid at the wr spot if y’all have him. He’s given 100+ yards of O for the last 4 in a row. And double down on Sammy Perine, will you?
That was my time-now it’s yours.
Tim Meadows on Weekend Update during the 1994-95 NHL lockout:
“Thank you. Thank you. The baseball strike I can deal with. But when it comes to hockey, nobody, and I mean nobody, is a bigger fan than me. In fact, around here, my nickname is “Little Hockey.” … Watch this. Hey, guys!”
“Hey Little Hockey!”
“See? What am I supposed to now that there is no hockey? Watch basketball? No. I’m sorry, it’s not gonna happen. But forget about me. What about African-American kids all over the country? They need their heroes. If an African-American kid can’t look up to a Mario Lemieux or Mark Messier or Mario Roberge or a Guy Carbonneau or, or a Patrick Roy, who can he look up to? I swear to God, there are only a few things that get to Tim Meadows: racism, sexism and no hockey! .So, come on, you owners and players, I need my hockey. Like I need air or water or food or clothing or whatever. You don’t want to make me mad! Because when I get mad, I get stomach pains. Back to you, Norm.”
Then after the lockout came to an end:
“Thank you. Well, the hockey lockout is over and no one is more relieved than me, Tim Meadows. For a while there, I didn’t think I was gonna make it and I’m sure I speak for all African-Americans when I say, “Game on at last! Game on at last! Thank God Almighty, game on at last!” You see, white America had taken everything it could from black people. Our culture, our heritage, our freedom and, finally, with the NHL strike, our ice hockey.”
“I tell ya, it was weird to walk through the African-American community at night and not hear the sound of “Hockey Night in Canada” coming from every home. Or kids saying, “Yo! Yo! He shoots! He scores!” And I couldn’t call my brother and say, “Yo, Tyrone, did you see the Whalers last night?” And echoing the sentiments of the entire African-American community, he would say, “Yo, little brother, the Whalers were fly. The Whalers were fly.” So, play on, Pavel Bure. And, skate faster, Jeff Beukeboom. And, cover that net, John Vanbiesbrouck. The African-American community and Tim Meadows are watching. Back to you, Norm.”
Funny as hell, but if that was done today the twitter universe would be aflame with those desperate to find a way to be offended.
There’s a shortage of auto glass to repair cars where the windows were broken in the Bay area
This seems like an incomplete thought.
Then again I’m probably drunk. Definitely high.
This burget might be the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. Yes, phrasing…don’t dare. Holy shit.
AND FUCK YOU AUTOCORRECT THIS IS WHY I STAY OFF DFO ON MOBILE!!! WHY WON’T YOU TURN OFF?????
So American Airlines found replacements for it’s striking pilots. I feel better,
Hold my beer, and watch this!!!
“It was revealed this week that mass murderer Richard Speck, while serving a lifetime sentence in prison, was videotaped with hormone-induced breasts, snorting cocaine, and having sex with a man. The film was apparently made with prison video equipment, and a $300,000 grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.”
Money well spent.
“On Thursday, Congress gave final approval to a sweeping new anti-terrorism bill. The new law permits foreign terrorists to be deported, limits federal appeals to death sentences, and allows for the immediate arrest of any Harvard graduate who lives in a dirty, wooden shack.”
Good thing I didn’t graduate…see Dad!
If they amended it to cover all Harvard grads, I’d be stoked.
So what is white-bra-girl looking at?
Ceiling Cat?
spider on the ceiling
Oh fuck it, I’m in a Weekend Update k-hole:
“In Washington D.C., reporter Alan Etter was doing a story on violence at a local high school when he was attacked and severely beaten by a gang of students. The assailants say they have nothing against the reporter, they just love irony.”
Oh that’s gold
Local news is on now. Those are some pretty nice official trial watercolors
I’ve always had a thing for female anchorwomen. Hot is fine, but hot and smart sends me over the edge.
Los Angeles has the Bay Area beat in post-game televised police chases.
I ❤️ LA!
The guy at the bar (across from sportsbook) brought my food. There’s a very sharp knife included with my burger for some reason. Also I’m surrounded by drunky and cocky cowboys fans right now.
You have 15 mins to call this in, then I go to slashin’. What???? I still gotta eat the burger!!!!
Stand back. tWBS has to practice his stabbin’
Turn your back…I dare ya.
I also I expect backstories from the 25(+1) questions.
Depends how hungover and/or still drunk and/or still high and/or incarcerated.
That’s too many and/or’s.
I plan to give a little more detail on some of that at some point. Maybe tgisf tomorrow. Balls already has for tomorrow so I might save mine til next week.
Cut the burger into slices. You can eat those with one hand while stabbin’
You’re always full of helpful hints.
May I subscribe to your newsletter?
May I recommend this instead?
http://www.drunkard.com/
You have to be intrigued first,
Eat first, otherwise you’ll have to decontaminate.
Ah time to close on a jewel:
“This week, the California Department of Corrections confirmed that Lyle Menendez and model Anna Erickson were married in prison. Following the ceremony, Menendez spent a romantic wedding night being raped by two white guys and a big black guy.”
So yeah, I started the WAS D. I now have -3 points.
That looks like code for William Charles Schneider’s penis
That game may have been awful, but it killed half my night at work. So there’s…that
Glad we were here for you.
“TriStar Pictures is planning a film about the ’70s disco act, the Village People. While the movie will be coming out next summer, it plans to wait until Thanksgiving to come out to its parents.”
Welp, that Hoovered. I’m gonna have a drink and a cookie.
Bourbon and a brownie?
Fig Newton’s and Scotch…they’re great if you dunk them.”
Name the reference and you get a prize.
“Skater Tonya Harding, banned from competing for the United States because of her part in the Nancy Kerrigan attack, received a setback this week when her request to skate for Norway was also rejected. However, Harding remains optimistic that she’ll get the okay to compete for The Republic of White-trash-istan.”
Margot Robbie, one of the hottest women on the planet, is playing Tonya Harding in a new movie.
Advantage: Tonya.
Oh, such evil* I would unleash upon her.
*evil = 3 seconds of shame, 3 hours of sobbing.
“It’s there’s ever a family of purists it’s the Manning family”
Yes. their purity was on display as they accepted Eli being draft by San Diego, or when Peyton showed his balls to a physical therapist. A-1 bunch, those Mannings.
God, I can’t wait for the revolution just so I can watch Cris get the guillotine.
The fucked up part is that Cris isn’t even among the first 10,000 in line.
He held her down and pressed his asshole on her face; THAT is purity and devotion to craft.
That’s not teabagging, that’s cold-pressed ass-juicing.
“Our congratulations to musician Ike Turner, who recently got married for the 13th time. The ceremony marked the first time that a minister performing a wedding has ever asked, ‘Does anyone here NOT object?'”
Rick James was a degenerate asshole and abuser. People really do forget that because they’re stupid.
You left out psychotic kidnapper.
That too.
He was someone Sam Kinison could and did have moral superiority to and he ripped on Rick James pretty savagely at times.
“After closing out a successful first season, the WNBA is considering several changes to improve the level of play in the league next year. Among the proposals: extending the playoffs, increasing salaries, bringing back the 3-point line, and replacing all the female players with guys.”
A dejected Eli this afternoon attempted and failed to take his own life. When pressed for reasons why, all he said to reporters was “Nerf darts taste funny”
Now Collinsworth is covering for Eli, a QB who outscored Colin Kaepernick by 3.42 points in FF last week.
“In a touching Valentine’s Day gesture, a man gave his wife one of his own kidneys. Terrified, she dropped the kidney, and ran out of the restaurant screaming.”
Hippo and litre… I Just put 200 on daU moneyline +300 for acc champs game.
As you speak I am perusing college lines wondering if Idaho can beat Georgia State.
I put $50 moneyline on all the shitty conference dogs. Figure it will keep me entertained, and that is where I have found value.
Plus their nickname is the Vandals!
Where are they playing, because Idaho is an unlivable hellhole that gives them an edge if they play at home.
Down south
GASt
I pondered that, but decided my pre-existing +7 ticket on Da U is enough action there. That ticket moved in the wrong direction, but my other 2 (Okie at -4.5 and Aubie pick ’em) are bargain buys.
Moneyline on UGa/Aubie is now properly fucked. And fuck the line too. I really wanna take the Dawgs and the pts, and still might. But sleeping on that one for now.
Almost bet cowboys tonight but Couldn’t talk myself into it cuz I be stoopid.
My kinda convent.
They still fucked and shared a comic through all of the 70s.
I didn’t know A Prairie Home Companion started as a graphic novel.
There aren’t any women that look like Black Widow in Minnesota.
The fact that several of you caught that reference is why I love this blog.
“A new study says that people who quit smoking have healthier lungs. Yet another groundbreaking story from the pages of the medical journal, ‘Duh’.”
I would guess that the actual study is probably about rates of tissue recovery and differences in outcomes based on the timing of quitting. It’s actually pretty impressive that lungs can recover how they do, if you totally fuck your liver with booze, stopping doesn’t make you have less cirrhosis, and brain tissue doesn’t grow back once you CTE yourself
Never mind.
Morris vulture td?
I can understand resting him
THROW IT TO WITTEN!!!! POUR THAT SALT INTO THE FUCKING WOUND(ED KNEE)!!!!
“Well, Bart, the eighteen hundred pound bear who co-stars with Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin in the movie The Edge, reportedly earns a whopping ten thousand dollars per day as a Hollywood actor. A small amount of the grizzly’s income goes toward the preservation of bears’ natural habitat. Bart spends the remaining money on bear whores and crack.”
Oh that is just too perfect. Cris slobbering all over Cousins as Kirk guns one right to the Cowboys.
Doesn’t stop Cris for making excuses for the QB, but 31-14 and two INTs doesn’t lie.
You forgot the fumble.
So did Collinsworth.
NAWT Hippo!
Still luv ‘ya Dok.
As long as you aren’t that Cowboys fan dressed as a King that they just showed, we’re cool, cause that guy looked like a dick
Naw, not my jam.
Captain Dingleberry, and his three turnovers, playing so goddamned well
/I’m such a silly STATHEAD!
Oh Kurt XVII
Looks like we’re just about at the point that it’s time to protest Skynet.
https://futureoflife.org/2017/11/14/ai-researchers-create-video-call-autonomous-weapons-ban-un/
Counterpoint: Killer AI will spare more of the planet than a giant meteor slamming into the Earth and wiping out all life.
oh yeah, bonus Dan Bailey FG to come??
MOAR FRED
“Following the passage of a new city ordinance, strippers are now forbidden to give lap dances in the city of Houston, Texas. Or, as I refer to it: Nazi Germany.”
But handjobs in the bathroom are still ok right?
So what, now you have to stand up to have a stripper rub on ya for money?
I haven’t seen a Cousin get nailed like that since I moved out of Oklahoma.
“In a highly unusual ruling, the California State Supreme Court declared this week that O.J. Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is ‘one ugly bastard.'”
He’s also a piece of shit and coasting off good will and earned reputation from forty years ago that he has spent the last twenty years completing squandering by being a dumb, racist shitweasel.
He really does seem intent on digging the biggest possible hole to put his legacy in before shitting on it and burying it forever.
This is why you don’t give a fucking 27-year-old with zero life experience tenure at HLS.
oh goddamn kurt
Collinsworth asks if you can remember a time when a QB on the wrong side of a blow-out like this played so well.
I can.
It was about 12 minutes ago when Collinsworth said the same goddamn thing while yet again trying to fellate a QB during a game.
I just yelled the same thing at the tv.
“You just said that you fuckwit”
Do you think Cris had a door lock button installed in the booth?
More Doctson!
I thought the whole reason we went through this national anthem/kneeling crisis was so that Papa Johns commercials would no longer be on the air.
“According to the National Transportation Safety Board, sleepy truckers are responsible for one thousand deaths a year. In second place? O. J. Simpson at two deaths a year.”
What about bees?
“Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap!”
I mean, Jesus plays shitty music because of the holes in His hands. What’s Kenny’s excuse?
Molly doesn’t exist and GE doesn’t have any real production in the US anymore.
Molly doesn’t exist cause all those millenials done it all
Mollies?
“Friends say Lisa Marie and Michael were never a good match. She’s more of a stay at home type, and he’s more of a homosexual pedophile.”
Opposites attract.
Still trying to get Don Ohlmeyer’s goat, I see.
Michael Jackson was innocent.
Hippo smire