INT. CLEVELAND BROWNS BOARD ROOM, WEEK 14 — 6:25 A.M.
Chief Strategy Officer Paul DePodesta knocks once and enters through the doorway. The room is occupied but eerily quiet for a Thursday morning. His coworkers, General Manager Sashi Brown and Coach Hue Jackson, quietly greet DePodesta as he grabs a chair between the men. Dee and Jimmy Haslem break their hushed conversation in the corner and join the men at the table.
Paul DePodesta: Howdy Jim. How are you guys all doing this morn —
Jimmy Haslem: Shut it. This isn’t a personal call, we’ve got a situation and the five of us are going to get to the bottom of it right now.
Hue Jackson: I’ve told you, Jim. And you’ve heard me talk about it too, Dee. If these guys aren’t going to give me the talent, there’s only so much I can do. All I got is an electric backfield and they even got me a pitch count there. I mean, shit, there’s only so much I can do with a quarterback who can’t read defenses and a receivers room that is led by a stoner.
Jimmy: What the hell are you talking about?
Hue: We’re staring down 0 and 16 and I’m not going to be the fall guy for that.
Jimmy: Oh damn, is it regular season already? What did you guys decide on Manziel?
Sashi Brown: It’s December and — well sir, the answer is no. We decided that it wasn’t in the best interest of the organization to, you know, bring Manziel back to the team.
Dee Haslem: And where is my good morning, Sashi?
Sashi: I was just answering Mr Haslem’s — well, yes, good morning Mrs Haslem.
Dee: Don’t I look nice today?
Sashi: Uh. Yeah, of course ma’am. You look nice today, Mrs Haslem.
Dee: Thank you for noticing. You’re not looking too bad yourself.
Paul: So what is on your mind, Jim? We’re right on schedule, honestly. 2020. We shed Brock, Josh Gordon appears to be a nice little windfall, and Myles Garrett looks like he’s gonna deliver. With the way our 2018 bounty of picks are shaking out, I’m confident Hue will get his talent and we’ll be visiting President Biden at the White House in 2021.
Jimmy: Well it’s great you’re all looking ahead four years but we’ve got an emergency right now. And it’s a biggie. Bigger than my directive to you all to not consider Colin Kaepernick. You all seen this?
Paul: Not sure I follow the concern for us as a football team. Hue’s right though — Tay-Tay has got some nice ta-ta’s, boss. [Paul lunges forward to pull the magazine on lap and begins thumbing through the pages.]
Dee: No comment from you, Sashi? Don’t you like….breasts?
Sashi: I’m really confused, Mrs Haslem. Are…do you mean to keep brushing my leg with your foot?
Jimmy: Excuse me, Sashi?!
Sashi: I’d really appreciate if we could get to the heart of your concerns is all, sir.
Dee: Oh Sashi, you should smile more.
Jimmy: My concern, since I guess we’re all operating on Sashi’s schedule, is that three hours away there is an open investigation into the death of a Bengals cheerleader. And my concern — I hope I’ve still got your attention, Sashi — is that this open investigation means more reporters in this state are working on womens rights stuff. And considering how much we’re investing in young talent, let’s just say I’m a little concerned about protecting our investments.
Paul [Leaning back in his chair with a centerfold portrait spilling out of the Time magazine he is holding up]: We’re fine. This whole thing only is an issue for people on the back-end of their careers. We’re the NFL’s biggest up-and-comers. Speaking of which, you guys seen Ashley Judd lately?
Hue: That chick is a piece. Time actually did a good job this year.
Dee: Still speechless, Sashi? Don’t you enjoy the female figure? Or have you been working so long and so so SO damn HARD in these offices every night that you’ve not had a woman’s touch in some time? You know, I could help with that maybe.
Jimmy: Yes yes, we all know Ashley Judd is someone we’d all invite to our hotel rooms for nefarious reasons. Now can we get back on topic? I think we need to get ahead of this me too thing. I think we need to make a sacrifice.
Paul: Shit, Brock would have been the perfect sacrifice. Not really sure who we’ve got on the roster now though that we’d be willing to part with.
Sashi: Mr Haslem, don’t you feel it might be inappropriate to just pick an innocent player and cut him as some kind of PR move? I mean, you’d be potentially ruining the life of an outstanding young man. I think we should just keep our heads down and focus on football.
Jimmy: You think that, Sashi? You think we should just focus on football? That we aren’t responsible for setting a higher standard for the community?
Sashi: Well, sir, do we have that moral high ground? I mean, in this meeting alone it’s pretty apparent the Mrs Haslem has been…inappropriate.
Paul [Folding up the magazine]: What are you even talking about?
Hue: I always knew you were some kind of queer.
Sashi: No no, see? This is just my point. This isn’t the kind of workplace environment that we should be defending. We’re better off just keeping mum and focusing on the 2020 plan.
Jimmy: Well, I’m sorry you feel like working here is causing you some kind of moral dilemma. Fortunately though, I can make you happy.
Dee [Uncrosses legs]: Jim, dear, the black man scares me.
Sashi: Scares you?! How could I scare you?!
Paul: Cool it, Sashi. Jeez.
Hue: Yeah man. Very unbecoming. Take it like a man.
Jimmy: Sorry Sashi, but we’re letting you go. Effective immediately. We just cannot have this kind of distraction around here.
Statement from Owner Jimmy Haslam: pic.twitter.com/xi571AaajE
— Cleveland Browns (@Browns) December 7, 2017