Your “This’ll Test Your Fookin’ Mettle” Thursday Night NFL Football Open Thread

It’s a frosty, uncaring world out there. What’s the point of even holding the door open for anyone anymore? And yet we do it because in our heart of hearts we know that we have to be optimistic, we must believe that there is good out there in the world. We football fans slog our way through the week so that we can be rewarded for our patience with the world at large on Thursday [LOUD RECORD SCRATCH] “Denver at Indianapolis? Denver at Indianpolis!!?? ” You’re trying your hardest to break me, NFL, but I’m not giving in out of sheer unadulterated spite. ‘Spite’ can be be a positive emotional response, right? Right? Hmmm. Ok. TO THE GAME!

Broncos/Colts: Both of these last-place, division basement-dwellers are so pathetic even the ghost of Kenneth Pinyan wouldn’t be able to support them.

Pssst! The Cavaliers are playing somebody tonight.

First off, Carrot Top is giving all the props to human-titanium hybrid Frank Gore. The guy John Riggins-ed his way to 36(!) carries last week to the tune of more yards than I can count.

Hey! You! Yeah, you. The Caps and Bruins looks like a great game.

How can you lose eight straight games when you have the league’s overall best D and the second-best pass defense? Seems impossible, don’t it? Well, Denver found a way to do it.

Do you like JV basketball? #21 Baylor is gonna whup Texas Southern tonight.

So, uh, perhaps you’ve got T.Y. on your fantasy roster or that kicker that’s never gonna retire-whatever your reasons…enjoy.

The Women’s Network is featuring A Song For Christmas at 8pm. A pop singer is gonna get stranded in a small town, be all high and mighty, get her comeuppance, fall for simple-livin’ farmer and give up fame and fortune or something. (I bet)

Do what ya gotta do, kinfolk.

 

 

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Courtesy of a 90s movie soundtrack you ask?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXZ49yzD4eo

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

Is proper funk still a thing anywhere?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m craving a creamsicle.
(don’t make it dirty you assholes, it’s about the Donks’ unis…fucking perverts)

King Hippo

Latimer WOO!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

90’s movie that made money on its soundtrack by making it a double CD of a lot of the best of Motown

theeWeeBabySeamus

Dammit Dok!!!!!
No eyeliner, now you caused this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WEtxJ4-sh4

Doktor Zymm

It’s early days

Viva La Tabula Raza

I’m still not sold on this skycam thing. It’s like a porno filmed with a penis-cam.

...

It’s all fun and games until the kicker shanks one off the cervix.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

NOT PREGNANT!

...

The Broncos and Colts need to join the Bills and Rams in an all hooves division.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Cross sport; the Devils being the other cloven hooved….. ah never mind.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Ungulate Division.

Doktor Zymm

Okay…full on 90’s nostalgia up in here
https://youtu.be/CZOEyFDAy_k

Senor Weaselo

“You think you have to buy drinks for everyone?” -Surprisingly not Al!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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...

Holy shit. Did you guys know there’s a football game on right now? Wanna watch it?

King Hippo

Hey, I’m fucking watching it!!

/also maybe Moose

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, I’m watching fucking.
(the internet yesterday)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

When we revert to 90’s internet speeds, will we also revert downloading 90’s music videos?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I sense a post game theme happening.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I’m sure it’s just me and I’m forgetting negative examples, but it seems to me that when two shitty teams play one another, it often ends up being a pretty good game.

Doktor Zymm

Parity!

King Hippo

Good Lord, what a throw that was by the Lobster. To fucking Heuerman, no less.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That means it’s an alternate universe.

King Hippo

I might stay in this one awhile. The endings are better, even if the individual performances make no goddamned sense.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

Don’t try to catch yourself when you fall, you might sprain your wrist or be reviewed by NY

...

The FCC has leaked a list of things that Comcast will allow you to experience at unrestricted speeds and I’m pleased to announce Cris Collinsworth’s obnoxious aw-shucks chuckle is one of them. Expect it to play between each song on Pandora.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I haven’t watched a video about “when his hands and ass touched” so closely since….

I should shut up.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’d really appreciate some damned garbage time D pts now Donks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Garbage time D……..” Always about the D.

King Hippo

McManus ded?

Doktor Zymm

King Hippo

BROCK LOBSTER!!!!

/teh extended remix

...

Disney is buying basically all media. They now own the rights to all of our nudes and are planning to merging them into the Marvel Expanded Universe.

Senor Weaselo

Disney vs. telecom, WHO YA GOT?

...

50,000 more Marvel-Star Wars crossover movies and nothing else.

King Hippo

now watch us run!

Shogun Marcus

Any other night than TNF of all things I left good hustle below.

King Hippo

D-O-N-K-S!!!!

King Hippo

legitimately very good catch, too. Nice to see him having such a good year

King Hippo

Holy shit, a LatimerDOWN!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m presuming no gifts from Donks D so let’s keep that clock running….fast.

...

I actually don’t mind that my porn will take 10x longer to load since I’ve always wanted to get into edging.

WCS

It’ll just like going back to 1999 or so.

...

Exactly. And my parents will walk in as I’m jacking off. 90’s nostalgia!

Doktor Zymm

It’s all a ploy by the pornographic magazine and video rental industry!

Doktor Zymm

I just noticed the Broncos have a ‘D’ on their helmet and I immediately assumed it stood for ‘Donks’ until I remembered the whole ‘Denver’ thing…

Doktor Zymm

Brocket got a bit bailed out there

Doktor Zymm

PEAR OR APPLE?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Pear.

King Hippo

In cider? PEAR!

...

In case you’re wondering how I’ll personally fight the repeal of net neutrality, I’ve decided to hire the best legal team I can find and paying them by charging $5 for a raffle ticket to punch in Ajit Pai in giant fucking teeth.

...

Somewhat related: “Ajit Pai” is the sound that fucker’s teeth with make when you crack them with your fist.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would like the baseball bat full swing approach.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Check that; curb stomp.

...

Bat will cost $5 extra and the curb stomp going to run you at least $50. Comcast says it has to be that way.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Wasn’t it Comcast who made the public statement that they won’t do any of the terrible things the new rules allow them to do while lobbying with millions to get them passed?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The new Internet will not only slow down every thing you like, but it will require you get Trump tweets in injected directly into your eyes.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Seems like they kinda are already.

Viva La Tabula Raza

“The check’s in the mail and I promise I won’t dot com in your mouth.”

Doktor Zymm

I learned that was a thing from American History X, and it was and remains one of the most visceral, awful things one human can do to another that I know of

deviantBastard

The teeth scraping the sidewalk gets me every time. Eek!

Doktor Zymm

It’s the massively injurious possibly deadly version of nail on a chalkboard

King Hippo

I mean JESUS, how awful would it be to SURVIVE that shit??

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No more yelling at the TV.

King Hippo

I ain’t living in that world.

And shit, imagine how fucked your sinus cavity would be?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He loves cocaine.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Correct; it is probably too quick; these fuckers need to die slower.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Fortunately I heard about that scene before I saw the movie and have assiduously avoided seeing it since.

Col. Duke LaCross

That guy is lower than whale shit.

King Hippo

FG range!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

[KLANG!]

King Hippo

SIGH. McManus is back on tilt again.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

time to go for it again

...

Bad news guys. The FCC’s new rules are going to require some changes here on DFO. You’ll be charged $1 each time you click the blue new comments button or it’ll take the length of a replay booth challenge to load.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Only one dollar? cool.

Gratliff

Oh shit. When did they speed up the site?

...

Internet Dad is going to put you in the Browns box for this.

theeWeeBabySeamus

/flashbacks

No daddy, not again.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I LAUGHED AT THAT IN A VERY CREEPY AND CRUEL WAY. THANK YOU.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND apparently had cap lock on…..

theeWeeBabySeamus

NO PROBLEM I DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE UNTIL YOU SAID SOMETHING.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yep, my account info is already set up.
Feed me, Seymour.

Doktor Zymm

CA is passing its own net neutrality rules. Take that, local version of Comcast!

Senor Weaselo

To quote the ’90s Knicks, GO NEW YORK GO NEW YORK GO!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSCdq1s5ekI

Shogun Marcus

Alright Fine. So…
1) Moose, you’re the dad I wish the insist the courts stop insisting is true.
2) Dok…why did you make this so?
3) Hippo…you’re fired for allowing this, but your pills are still on refill, which…
4) All Teh Canandia Folk…you watched…you allowed. I was Jodie Foster, you teh pinball table. Who was PUSHING?…
5) TWBS & BALLS!!! J’ACCUSE! YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME! THIS IS WHY BABY NEVER BE CLEAN! *Brilloscrubstaint* NEVAR! CLEEEN!
…Also Senor doused the whole thing in Last Dab. Asshole. Didn’t even play Carmina Burana.

Shogun Marcus

You fucks all hit reload didn’t you?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Can’t speak for them, but I did.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think I mighta missed something here.
No worries, not the first time.
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Senor Weaselo

Now that Brock Lobster’s in, has anyone made a surf and turf joke?

…Other than you, Coach Reid?

King Hippo

ok, Donks. You can score three FGs. I believes in you lots.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’d prefer 3 turnovers recovered, but whatevah.
If Donks D costs me a playoff win then I suck anyway.

(which I do)

King Hippo

that drop prolly weren’t too helpful

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve got a really good reply to that comment.
But I should shut up.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I beleeb in them a bunch.

Doktor Zymm

Oh hey, I can also watch the game in a mirror! Right is left! Dogs are friends with cats!

King Hippo

my cat kind of likes dogs ok. Other cats? Hell 2 da naw!

theeWeeBabySeamus

He’d like my cat.
She sexay.
(and the bitch bit me again last night)

King Hippo

oh that’s a BULLSHIT spot

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Why do they let cattle in that stadium?

King Hippo

assume it is a pill smuggling caper

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s a lotta baggies.

Doktor Zymm

On the weather this morning the lady said there would be snow in the forecast, then admitted she was just bored of reporting the same weather every day (kinda chilly at night, warm during the day). I still check the Chicago weather every morning just to gloat. Woo this place!

Senor Weaselo

My cellist friend and I still have Harbin in our phones. It’s a little after 11, and it’s 4 with unhealthy air quality for sensitive groups!

Doktor Zymm

I have a friend who was born in Harbin! It’s on the list of kind of horrible sounding places I want to visit

Senor Weaselo

The concert hall is very nice, and we would have liked to see the Ice Festival, but we were there for about twelve hours, from touch down to leaving on an overnight train. Which is why it was the low point of the trip.

Doktor Zymm

Oof, yeah, that’s rough. Though China mostly has pretty nice trains now at least…

Senor Weaselo

The ones that are not that overnight train, yes.

King Hippo

but hey, workers’ paradise!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

Is that a young Jessica Lange?
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So; King Kong (1976) and The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981) (pictured)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Net Nutella.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Did I just hallucinate a commercial for something called Bugasalt? I didn’t think you could have acid flashbacks after 30 years.

Fronkenshteen

Horses should be the halftime entertainment here, no? A little dressage, perhaps?

JustStopDude

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Ann Romney isn’t busy.

Doktor Zymm

Drill team. I used to ride in a holiday drill team, bells braided into the horse’s manes 🙂
https://youtu.be/RiyftYTC_eg

Senor Weaselo

Are you in this?

Doktor Zymm

Nope, I don’t have access to any videos that I’m in, and they’re probably old enough that they’ve horribly degraded in quality by now. This more stirs pleasant memories for me 🙂

theeWeeBabySeamus

Thank god for halftime. The donger need food.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

feed the dick

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well that just….
Yeah, accurate I guess.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, “donger” doesn’t mean……..

King Hippo

you know, this game wasn’t really THAT bad so far