I’ll acknowledge you west-coasters in the lede just this one time and then never again. There’s so much football, basketball and hockey coming out the ying yang, it’s an embarrassment of riches. And I must say that all commenters acquitted themselves quite well all day/night long yesterday. Now it’s time to do it all over again… TO THE GAMES!
Miami/Buffalo:
The non-existent money I have riding on this tilt says that Catler will revert back to one of his earlier, ineffectual lives after a truly wtf? performance last week vs. the Pats. I’ll go further-whoever gets the start between the likes of Taylor, Webb and Peterman will out-shine The Catman.
Baltimore/Cleveland:
The Browns march to the opposite of perfection continues unabated… The Ravens at 7-6 seem to be barely in the playoff race-a-roo but after this week they’ll be murderizing the Colts and Bengals so all is good on the post-season front for them.
Cincinnati/Minnesota:
The Vikes are looking to get back on track after losing to Carolina and that’s why they’re embracing a home date vs. the Bengals so closely to their bosom. Why? The awesome Minny run D faces down a Cincy rushing attack that averages less than 80 ypg. Gulp. So that puts the game in the shaky hands of Mr. Dalton and voila-there’s your Bengals loss exactly as it was drawn up on the Etch-a-Sketch.
New York Jets/New Orleans:
Qb McCown broked his dadgum hand last week. Was it the same dude that stepped on Fatty Stafford’s paw a few weeks ago? Is there a secret “QB Hand-Ruining Cabal” forming in the NFL? The evidence is thin at the moment but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about it day and night. Anyhoo, the Nathan Peterman of the Jets-Bryce Petty-will be playing the part of the sacrificial lamb today.
Philadelphia/New York Giants:
Eagles fans aren’t buying Carson Wentz’s malarkey about his injury being a part of God’s plan. No, they’ve adopted the “Fucking, Suckbagging Shit! Why Does This Happen To Us Every Time?” narrative. Why is it that drooling, alcoholic, racist dickbags can never have nice things? (“hey, I’m painting with broad strokes here-easy now, fellas”) Foles gets the start.
Arizona/Washington:
To be watched for fantasy purposes only. How you managed to get this far with anyone from these two squads on your team is a mystery for the ages. (Says the guy that cacked out last week)
Green Bay/Carolina:
Today’s hagiography is brought to you by the letters “A” and “R” and by the number “1”(man team). Props go out to Brett Hundley who did his best to staunch the bleeding by going a semi-respectable 3-5 while the league’s most valuable clavicle healed itself. As for this game, Andy Reid would say, “There’s a lot of steak here.”
Houston/Jax:
If the Jags win they be in. T.J. Yates has state, “Not if I have anything to say about it!”. So there you have it-the Jags are in.
Fire up your nipples folks, there’s work to do down below.
Can we get a quick side by side of W-L records for Hue Jackson, John Fox, and Marc Trestman?
that you Mike Brown? Trying to decide who to hire.
And now a fucking sack fumble TD for the Ravens…
This fucking team…
Marvin Lewis: My job is on the line, men. Play to save me.
Bengals: LOL Watch this.
He and the team have decided “mutually, to part ways.” according to reports…. so no fucks given I guess.
Just like Alison Brie and I mutually decided not to pursue a sexual relationship
Well, the Bengals owner knows Marvin exists.
I fucking hate Sam Koch.
He has punted the Browns inside of the fucking 5 yard line FIVE GODDAMN TIMES THIS GAME!
I hate his brothers even more…
Well, at least one of them donates a metric fuck-ton of money to the Smithsonian. Still doesn’t make up for his overall horribleness though.
Well done.
Even dez sez that is NOT catch.
that was a TD in Carolina?….ok
“my porn screen name is carpal tunnel syndrome,” i utter softly as my date continues to text someone on her cellphone
Dumb Panthers challenge.
Every 3rd commercial of the Browns radio coverage is an “Autism Speaks” ad.
Know your base I guess…
If you started Bortles today you’re a.) dumb as fuck, and b.) winning.
I didn’t.
Regerts.
THESE PANTHERS I CALL THEM ALEXEI NIKOLAEVICH BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO BLEED OUT ON THE FIELD OF PLAY
GO FOR IT BUFFALO!
Why does the Buffalo play by play announcer sound like Paula Poundstone doing a Marv Albert impression?
You mean it isn’t?
Ahhh, that’s it! I couldn’t place it.
Thielen blocked like Deion on that one
So “not at all.”
Yuuuup
Celine Dion blocks better.
Come on Fox, ditch this Houston debacle and take us to the Packers game.
just get a stream from Reddit. you could Cast to your TV
HDMI cable, dawg
then it might be time for a new TV, a chromecast allows great flexibility
here ya go:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKkMoUUOZs0&feature=youtu.be
Funchess got Funched Up on that one
OH FUNCH, shouldna funched that gurl.
Catlerception!
of course Funchess drops a TD.
Hey, know what’d be great?
Funchess holding onto that one. Let’s fire up the time machine!!!!!!!!
If it feels good and doesn’t hurt anybody; ignore what your other dog friends think.
I reckon that dog must be a female; otherwise we’d probably have a glimpse of the lipstick coming out of it’s tube.
ANDY DALTON! ANDY DALTON!!
I like the mayor in Godless. She has non tolerance for bullshit. I met few NM politicians like that.
Is it just me or are all these games VERY slow? Some are still at halftime? It’s already 3pm eastern.
I didn’t want to be the one to break it to you but, yeah-you’re slow.
/ZING-GO!
Ded Packer in Charlotte.
And he’s recovered nicely.
Davis tried to put a hole in Adams head.
fuck you, Thomas Davis
“Hey, quit it! He’s one of the good ones.”
-Jerry Richardson
haha, fuck you Rodgers.
TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS!!
Damn.
“Facemask” (lack of) call should be a re-viewable.
moar commercials!!
i play one game of HOTS and Giants fucked up so quickly?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnmWsazwP54
what does H.O.T.S stand for?
Help Out The Seals, of course.
I mamember when sexy, slapdick comedies were a thing.
OK, off to the gym so I can sit tight for the Pats-Steelers game. Where I can decide between the “alleged” rapist and the cheating guy who’s launching a shady business enterprise based on extremely questionable health advice.
Oh, REDACTEDS. Exactly what you deserve.
lolslurs
cant even catch the big balls rite
Are…are the Jaguras for real?
YES. They are the only threat to the P*ts in the AFC whatsoever.
more like Furr real.
Eli trying to give the ball back but the Eagles secondary has never listened to the Stones’ “Sticky Fingers”.
Goddamn, the Texans.
Indeed
Exactly! Most people in that state fucking suck.
Browns are out scoring the Bengals. The Browns!
(looks for bleach or sharp objects)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gO7uemm6Yo
HEY!!!! HOUSTON!!!!! IF YOU COULD LIKE, YA KNOW, SCORE EVEN ONCE IN THE 2ND HALF IT WOULD REALLY HELP ME OUT K THX.
on hopefully 14 completions to DeAndre Hopkins
I’m tellin’ ya, that mutt’s got a vicious streak a mile wide!
The joys of gaming.
inorite??
Oh FFS…. overdoing sterility for cat neutering and of course overcharging for it too.
No wonder people hate vets.
Thus the look of WTF?
I have never had a bad veterinarian and some have gone way above the call of duty.
That’s great to hear, sincerely.
When I was a kid our family vet stayed with my dog, who was poisoned, for about 24 hours until she pulled through.
Yeah, I love our vets, and they’ve killed two of our dogs and one cat so far.
/euthanizing pets sucks so hard.
I bet that is the worst part of the job.
It’s not the best part, fo’ sho’.
I am playing for 5th place, despite having the most points in the league this season by a longshot, (which I’m happy to report Yahoo did make fun of me for), because the goddamn Jets couldn’t even get a lousy FG last week against Denver.
It took me awhile to build my roster but I hit a lucky roll midseason.
Then everything went to shit and my season ends today unless Brady and whichever WR I choose (JuJu or Woods) have career days.
Kamara’s concussion did me in. That and the Jets. Lost by less than ten, which the Broncos D, (nice pull by my opponent, I think Balls), got for the shut out. And Kamara’s on pace for 24 points today.
Could be worse. Yeah Right put up a stunning 166 points last week.
While on a bye.
I have Kamara too, but I can’t say he did me in. My whole team has just sucked the past coupla weeks.
It made Hippo happy, tho. So I can live with it. I like making Hippo happy.
No, not like that.
Succop could also kick like 10x 50+ yarders, but that seems unlikely.
LMFAO.
Bwuh? Is the city of Houston playing Madden?
Nick Foles only needs 4 more TDs to reenter the NFL HoF
No! No re-entry without a same-day receipt!
Oh, yeah. That’s the stuff.
Gee, it’s almost like the “Southern Gentlemen” concept is full of hateful crap!
“Your name is Toby.”
“My name is Kunta Kinte!”
“TOBY!”
*crack of whip*
most of y’all are probably to young to know the reference.
ROOTS. they did a remake of this last year. 2016….
Guess I’m too old to know about the remake.
We watched it in 5th grade and I borrowed the book. And then never gave it back because graduation.
You must have been in one of those advanced student classes; I didn’t graduate till after 12th grade
Yea this guy is a perv/creep. I bet he stays till after the season ends.
Owners usually do.
Jerral is also undoubtedly not alone, nor likely in the minority (pun intended) in these gross aspects
Both pay….. JJ pays first.
oops, I went all subconscious there, lumping ol’ Double-J with Mistuh Richardson
I need another Donald Sterling shitcanning.
I’ll bet those settlements were about 3/5 what they could have gotten from anyone other than Richardson.
There it is.
I almost added an “obligatory” to it.
What happened in Phi-NYG?
the Giants happened
INT with a long return, followed by a blocked punt, and the Eagles get back to back drives within the 30
Eli Manning quite frankly isn’t a good QB anymore.
The heat from your taek is giving me skin blisters!
Or, as Eli would call it, a Sun owie.
FIRE keeps everyone warm!!!!!!!
TD eagles!!!!!!!!
Was hoping that was dreidel
No matter what they do, Giants can’t “Welp” themselves.
Fuck.
That was a very shortlived Giants rout
I’m a Packers fan. I love Rodgers.
But for the LOVE OF GOD I wish the announcers would stop jerking themselves off about him coming back from injury. He doesn’t have shit on Favre when it comes to that.
LOOKIT HIM WITH HIS NORMAL HEALING FACTOR
MAH GOD HIS OSTEOBLASTS MUST HAVE BEEN WORKING OVERTIME!!! NO DOUBT HE’S BEEN GIVING THEM PEP TALKS!
Perhaps the best aspect of RedZone is that it minimizes one’s exposure to NARRATIVE
Brett Favre can get fucked
Football is a silly sport
That’s one word for it, I suppose.
Safety is a near certainty
The NFL seems pretty goddamn intent on ensuring there is zero safety left.
The Bills in the playoffs strikes me as hilarious
If you think it’s funny, just imagine how much the Patriots players will be giggling if they ever face them in the postseason
Even MOAR hilarious, imagine the Laserface reaction
Block Block Block!!!!!!! eagles with great field position