Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 16, 2017

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

I hope everyone enjoyed the last REAL week of RedZone action, because it truly is the best that life has to offer.  Stay preserved, coked-up RedZone Guy, we are all counting on you.

Everybody shits on #ThePauls (who got their brains beat in by the Bearistocrats!) but the Falcons are just #ThePauls with better players.  They trip over their own dicks every bit as reliably and pitifully.  Drew Brees had to do next to nothing in this game, and really, neither did his stud tailbacks.  They just had to not shoot themselves in the face and let Atlanta do the rest.

Now, Atlanta likely needs to beat the Panthers (at home, but still) next week to get in the playoffs.  Carolina, thanks to their TOTES undeserved home win against the MRSA Men (which sent Rapey Jameis into a hissy fit) has a very small chance to win the division, or even get the 2 seed if the Falcons keep Falconing.  Very likely, they will be the 5 seed.  I am too tired to run all the scenarios.

The P*ts benefitted from a truly absurd replay call v. Buffalo, robbing the Bills of their halftime lead.  Unlike last week, I don’t even begin to understand the basis of this fuckery.  Twas just outright fuckery.  Dion Lewis scored twice, Gronk once, and we all know where this is headed.

Even Week Jaguras stumbled back into some even weekedness…or maybe the Fightin’ Tomsulas are just that good now, especially at home in the Boxcar ™.  That’s 4 in a row, in case anyone is counting (other than our new friend Petronel).  Janene Garafolo made a truly spectacular throw to make it 37-19, and it turned out Santa Clara would need that last score to fight off last-minute BORT comebacking.  This included a really awesome onside kick.  Find it online, if you didn’t see it live.

Dallas got Zeke back this week, and naturally fed him like a workhors….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA nope.  Dan Bailey had an amazeballs first half, then imploded late.  But one’s offense shouldn’t consist of 6 FG attempts, no matter how well that fit my fantasy team’s needs.  And on 1st and goal from the 2…Zeke should get the ball.  That is the kind of error that gets ya a visit from Jerral.

Our intrepid Fuck Lions?  Went into ded Cincinnati and rolled the fuck over.  One can now completely ignore the NFC North.

My beloved Donks managed 11 points in our nation’s capital.  That’s kinda fun?  Captain Dingleberry, playing for a free agency payday, went for 3 scores and almost 300 yards.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! v. Titans was probably the best match of the day, a true back and forth affair.  But Tennessee could not convert a late 4th down attempt, and Gurley Man was able to run out the clock.  The NFL’s presumptive MVP went over 100 rushing and 150 receiving, 276 combined and 2 scores.  Just a fucking beast.  This locks up the NFC West title for LA’s darlings.

On the stinky end, the Shitty Clippers stayed alive (in the Wild Card race) by beating the Jets 14-7.  It was dreadful footballing.  Thank fuck, I believe TN has the tiebreaker advantage.  Bad news, Tits play the Odd Week Jaguras, while Shitty Clippers get the Raiders.  Good news – JAX likely will have nothing to play for and may rest their starters.  STAY TUNED.

Kansas City pounded Miami to clinch the AFC West and a first round loss to probably Baltimore.  Hooray, you.

Last and 100% least, AZ shut out Los Gigantes 23-zip, in what had to be one of the saddest things on teevee other than Old Yeller getting put down.  Try not to think about that analogy too hard, Elisha.

Merry Shitsmas, y’all.  Enjoy today’s doubleheader.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Doktor Zymm

I have a feeling this Redacteds off-season is gonna be a doozy. Until then Jaguras! Or Rammit I guess?


Nick Foles is going to bukkakke check downs tonight all over SoontobeVegas face.


Just gonna leave this here:

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Hippo, sorry about yer Donks. I was subj- uh, had the opportunity to watch the game; ’twasn’t their finest hour.

Doktor Zymm

Is that the off brand of connect four, or vice versa?


Probably off-brand, from the looks of it. Wikipedia indicates that Connect Four is a subset of four-in-a-row type games.

(Just noticed that the game on the box is at least one turn past being won…)

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

And now, no SNF game at all next week. Rationale kinda makes sense.


The important thing is that Eli’s Christmas is ruined


Pudding cup.




(sorry, just getting warmed up)


Dude, it’s Christmas. Save your Zionist bullshit for some other day.


I’d just like to point out that, unlike most of the day yesterday, how smrt I think I am now for starting Bortles and benching Brady.

We won’t discuss the Fitzgerald benching.

Don T

Merry Xmas tWBS! I hope you have a fun day man, and you don’t get much family aggravation. Because “some” is inevitable. Dammit.


How much is too much?
I just wanna know when to kick ’em out.

Don T

And for King Hippo. The Man, my favorite Christmas song. “No hay cama pa’ tanta gente” – El Gran Combo (there’re no beds for all those people), about guests who won’t leave. My favorite verse: “They fill their hands with pork, and then wipe with the curtains”.

Don T

Merry Xmas.

Oh, sorry.

Merry Xmas! I had forgotten ‘cause a neighbor was using a trimmer on the lawn. ‘Tis truly the season—to irk the shit outta me.

Mariota’s improving, but the INT was ugly and those two consecutive overthrows to the left with 2 mins. left were concerning. But the guy’s all in. Know many QBs who follow the play and fight to recover a fumble? Marcus did it twice. He makes me happy to root for TEN.
This Week 16 reliance on an OBVIOUSLY SLOW DeMarco is fucking dereliction of duty. Mularkey’s gotta go. No matter having WON A SPOT CHALLENGE and if the Tits get in at 9-7 against Jax subs. This failing upwards is really souring my anticipation of a probable Tits playoff game.
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Save me, Los Titicanos. You are my only hope.


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