San Diego’s Greetings: A Very BOLTMAN X-Mas

EXTERIOR – QUALCOMM STADIUM FIELD – X-MAS EVE

As the sun sets on the city of San Diego, a lone figure walks from the home team’s locker room of the deserted stadium at a meandering pace. A few lights flicker on as darkness falls, casting the field in odd, ever creeping shadows. The frigid 55 degree wind picks up within the concrete structure, causing empty seats to rattle and a gentle howling to fill the air. The figure suddenly steps into the light as he approaches midfield.

BOLTMAN: OH THE HALLOWED GROUNDS OF HOME! BOLTMAN REMEMBERS NOT EVEN BUT ONE YEAR AGO, THE CRIES OF THE FAITHFUL CHARGED ONES RANG THROUGH THE AIR AS THE SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGERS DID BATTLE TO FUEL BOLTMAN’S LIFEBLOOD WITH EACH VICTORY! BUT EVEN NOW, BOLTMAN’S POWERS DIMINISH AND THIS ONE IS FORCED TO IMPROVISE TO UNLEASH HIS FURY UPON THE HUMAN WORLD! BEHOLD, BOLTMAN’S LATEST CREATION!

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BOLTMAN: AND IT’S A GOOD THING BOLTMAN BROUGHT PLENTY OF AMMO TO TEST IT!

BOLTMAN loads up the CANNON with a skull and fires it into the stands. The bones hit a seat with such force that it splinters on impact and rains fragments among the section.

BOLTMAN: OOOHHHHH YEEEAAAHHHH! WHAT A TRIUMPH OF ELDER GOD INGENUITY! [Head bangs while doing the splits and then jumps back to feet in one swift motion] TIME FOR ANOTHER VOLLEY! THIS TIME, WITH PURPOSE!

BOLTMAN slides two femur bones into the CANNON and aims it it due North in the air. As the remains leave the weapon with a deafening crack, a moving shadow is cast across the moon and darkens the stadium. Another loud bang is heard almost immediately, followed by what sounds like screaming. A lone figure falls from the sky and lands in the West end zone with a sickening thud.

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BOLTMAN: [Lumbering towards the fallen body] IT APPEARS BOLTMAN HAS SLAIN ANOTHER FOOLISH HUMAN TO WANDER INTO HIS REALM! AND WHAT A LARGE ONE! HE HAS SPLATTERED REMAINS ALL OVER THE PLACE! WHAT JOY! [Sommersaults around the body while laughing maniacally]

???: Excuse me, Mr. Boltman?

BOLTMAN: [Looking around quizzically] WHAT WAS THAT? IT SOUNDS LIKE THE CRIES OF A CRUSTACEAN BEING BOILED ALIVE!

???: Down here, sir.

BOLTMAN peers down towards his now bloodied feet to see a small figure before him.

BOLTMAN:DANNY WOODHEAD! WHY, WHAT IS ONE OF BOLTMAN’S FAVORITE FORMER PLAYERS DOING HERE?!

DANNY WOODHEAD: Well, it is X-Mas, and I always help out Santa with his deliveries every year.

BOLTMAN: SANTA?! YOU MEAN, THE FALLEN MORTAL BEHIND BOLTMAN?!

WOODHEAD: Yes. That was him. But Santa is more of an idea, and has been many different people.

BOLTMAN: TELL BOLTMAN MORE ABOUT THIS X-MAS!

WOODHEAD: Every year, Santa flies around in his sleigh [Motioning behind him to the opposite East end zone where 9 tiny reindeer stand before a red and green sleigh] to give the good boys and girls presents.

BOLTMAN: GOOD HUMANS? PRESENTS?! BAH! WHAT OF THE BAD ONES?! [Cracks knuckles]

WOODHEAD: That’s always up to the Santa. The last one was giving out coal to them, but a long time ago they used to punish the bad ones by–

BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN LIKES THIS OLD SANTA HUMAN! BOLTMAN WILL ABSORB HIS SOUL, CONSUME HIS POWERS AND RESUME HIS ACTS OF TERROR!

WOODHEAD: That won’t be necessary. Santa’s powers come from his hat, and since you already seem to have stolen that from him…

BOLTMAN: [Shifty eyes] BOLTMAN DOESN’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!

WOODHEAD: …you should just be able to walk over to the sleigh and finish up his work tonight. We had just finished San Diego when you hit the old Santa. We were just heading north to Los Angeles before wrapping up for the night.

BOLTMAN: [Through gritted teeth] LOS… ANGELES?!

WOODHEAD: Yes, that’s rig– HEY! Where are you going?! Don’t leave withou–!

BOLTMAN: [Already flying overhead in the sleigh] FAREWELL, YOUNG WOODHEAD! BOLTMAN WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR UNSELFISH PLAYING STYLE, DYNAMIC DANCE MOVES AND THANKS YOU FOR NEVER PLAYING FOR THE HERETICS FOLLOWING THEIR DEPARTURE! [Flies off into the night]

WOODHEAD: Crud. How do I get back to Baltimore now?!

Not long after, high above the LA skyline…

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BOLTMAN: THESE SANTA POWERS HAVE BOLTMAN FEELING, RATHER… CHAAAARRRGGGGEEEDDDD UP! [Waves hand and a pile of snow starts to form at his feet] ICE ABILITIES?! WELL, WHAT IF BOLTMAN… [Makes a fist and punches forward, causing a jagged icicle to shoot out] OOHH!

BOLTMAN goes on for a few moments, discovering his new talents, including the ability to change sizes, transport himself by icy wind, but when he picks up the CANNON he made earlier…

BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN CAN DO A LOT WITH THIS ANCIENT HAT, BUT BOLTMAN WISHES HIS MORTAL CONTRAPTION WAS SUPER CHARGED!

The CANNON begins to float and then glow, before a small flash. As BOLTMAN blinks, the CANNON is gone, but replaced by something much better.

BOLTMAN: [Does the electric slide] OOOOHHHHH YEEEAAAHHHH! BOLTMAN IS DREAMING OF A RED X-MAS FOR THE DENIZENS OF LOST ANGELES!

BOLTMAN straps the improved CANNON to the back of the sleigh and begins to load it with the various toys from Santa’s sack: Action figures, teddy bears, train sets, the occasional fruit cake and more. The sleigh begins to descend to street level and into traffic. Cars swerve to avoid the oncoming reindeer and crash into light posts, power lines and other parked cars, which erupt in scorching fireballs. 

BOLTMAN: OH HO HO! BOLTMAN CHECKED HIS LIST, AND YOU’VE ALL BEEN VERY NAUGHTY!

BOLTMAN swings the CANNON around and begins firing at windows in the nearby homes. Dolls shatter the glass as screams and cries are heard coming from them. A miss sends a toy truck through a brick chimney, which topples over and crushes the entire home.

A group of CAROLERS duck for cover after the blades of the sleigh takes the Frontman’s head clean off. Sharpened candy canes rain down upon the others, sticking one through the eye and impaling others against the cold concrete.

This goes on for several hours, as much of Carson and Inglewood are leveled, before BOLTMAN swings the sleigh around after spotting a nativity scene in front of a home.

BOLTMAN: WORSHIPING A FALSE GOD?! THESE HERETICS DESERVE WORSE THAN THEIR FATE! [Bites down on and pulls out the pin of a spherical ornament before tossing it into the manger. A smoking crater is all that remains in it’s spot, as shrapnel from the various animals and Wise Men drop onlookers to the pavement in writhing agony. BOLTMAN beats his chest and runs in place.] WORSHIPING A HUMAN CHILD WAS A POOR CHOICE, PATHETIC WRETCHES!

As the smoke settles, the sun begins to rise and BOLTMAN turns the sleigh skyward once more.

BOLTMAN: BOLTMAN’S WORK HERE IS DONE! BUT FIRST, HE MUST MAKE ONE FINAL STOP BEFORE RETURNING HOME…


INTERIOR – THE SPANOI HOUSEHOLD LIVING ROOM – X-MAS MORNING

DEAN SPANOS: [His face buried in a newspaper] SUSIE! Have you seen my slippers?! … And where the hell is my damn coffee! [No response] Jesus Christ, it’s X-Mas morning and after Alex and Micheal have the nerve to ask for gifts, like their JOBS aren’t enough, I have to get everything my damn self.

As SPANOS puts down the newspaper, he spots a small box on the coffee table in front of him.

SPANOS: Hmm? Well, this must be for me. About time too. And here I was starting to think no one had gotten me anything.

Dean opens the box, reaches in and pulls out a single piece of yellowed paper. It looks like it is very old and written with red ink.

SPANOS: What the… [Reading] Yug…? Y’Golonac? What the hell is that?!

A fist suddenly bursts forth from the page. As the palm begins to turn and open, it reveals a mouth with rows of jagged, razor sharp teeth.

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And that’s when the screaming started.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.
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blackroseMD1Don TRikki-Tikki-Deadlylitre_colaSonOfSpam Recent comment authors
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blackroseMD1

Oh, this is just fantastic. Well done.

Don T

Fucking perfect.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“I COME TO FLAY YOUR SKIN BY RUM-PA-PUM-PUM, RUM-PA-PUM-PUM, RUM-PA-PUM PUM…”

litre_cola

I miss Boltman. I hope he is raging on the side of some high school these days.

SonOfSpam

Love this. It’s the Christmas story I didn’t know I needed.

And the ending was positively boner-inducing.

Merry Christmas to all who deserve it, and may Boltman visit the wicked!

ballsofsteelandfury

That is very well done.

Just don’t tear up my fried chicken place.

blaxabbath

San Diego is the Winter North Pole.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Methinks there is more than rum in LCSS’s eggnog…

theeWeeBabySeamus

This was fun. I think LCSS and Beastmode need to do an HRTN/Boltman crossover episode.

But then again, I like weird shit.

King Hippo

Just beautiful.

Senor Weaselo

Well you know what they say, to be the Santa, you’ve gotta beat the Santa. Merry Christmas, you wonderfully insane lizard people.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

A fate too good for Spanos.

ballsofsteelandfury

Indeed