Yes indeed, we have reached the end of regulation play. To celebrate the absence of the Shitty Clippers, here are your Wild Card matchups:
#5 Tennessee Titans at #4 Kansas City Chefs (4:20, ESPN/ABC)
As always, KC gets the worst time slot whenever they are part of the tournament. I do believe the Tits can take ’em out, because they are sentient.
#6 Atlanta Falcons at #3 Los Angeles Rams (8:15, NBC)
Primetime spotlight dance in Tinseltown? Why not?? RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! fever burning at an all-time high, no doubt. Matty Ice and crew have no chance whatsoever.
#6 Buffalo Bills at #3 Jacksonville Jaguras (1:05, CBS)
Bet nobody imagined this matchup before the season started. Entropy is a beautiful thing.
#5 Carolina Panthers at #4 New Orleans Saints (4:40, Fox)
Both these teams looked like merde on Sunday, and the Panthers don’t match up well at all – especially on turf. GAMBLOR HINT!!
Is there really anything to discuss beyond Chris Coleman’s pathetic drop to damn #ThePauls to 0-16 and break the hearts of the 2008 Detroit Lions? I mean, MEIN GOTT does DeShone Kizer ever deserve better than the kind of “effort” he got out of his teammates this season, and in particular this week.
Yinzers wisely rested starters assuming the P*ts would run train on the Bryce Petty Jets, which they did. Still, 5-11 with that dead fish of a roster represents yeoman’s work by Todd Bowles.
Chi****’s Foxball era was mercifully euthanized after a painful-to-watch 23-10 loss in Minny-SEW-ta. Truth Biscuit had a hilarious, moronic safety. That’s about it for highlight plays.
Dallas missed a chip shot FG and an extra point, but still defeated the #1 seed in the NFC Philadelphia Iggles, 6-nil. Yes, you read all that correctly. One can see why nobody was knocking themselves out to get that 3rd seed.
Another weird score – Los Gigantes 18, Redacteds 10. I enjoy things like that. Elisha and Captain Dingleberry played like themselves in their likely swan songs.
Coach Cancer goes out a winner in his Humpin’ around finale, 22-13 over the Hopkins-less Imaginarium. Even got a safety and surprise onside kick in the process! Another fun score, 22-13.
The Lions beat the tar shit out of the Packers, 35-11. Nobody cared, and Jim Caldwell still (somewhat surprisingly) got fired.
Speaking of nobody cares, how about them Chefs and Donks backups! KC blows a late 2 score lead, but recovers to win on a last-second FG and secure Denver the 5th overall pick, 27-24. Thanks!
You wouldn’t expect the Tits to do it all pretty like…and they didn’t. Scratched and clawed to a 15-3 lead, had things well in hand before gifting the Jaguras a defensive TD that kept their sphincters tight until Mariota converted the clinching first down run. Welcome back to the playoffs, Tennessee.
That knocked out the Shitty Clippers, whose 30-10 win over pre-Vegas just fucked up their draft position. HAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Unsurprisingly, Jack Del Rio got fired.
Down South Beach way, the wagons were a circling. Somewhat hilariously, Buffalo almost gakked away a 22-3 Q4 lead to David Fucking Fales but mercifully picked him off after a successful Dolphin onside kick at 22-16. WHEW.
Which meant…they just needed a Bungle win in Balmer. Not as unpossible as it might seem, given that Cincy had a 2 TD lead for much of the afternoon/evening. But these are the Bungles, and they fucked it up, giving up 17 straight. With 2 minutes and change to play, Dalton got it back on his own 10. He used up about 100 seconds of that to get it to midfield, facing 4th and 12. No more timeouts. And Tyler Fucking Boyd of all people runs a perfect slant and go route, makes a nice open field move…and is gone. 31-27, Cincy. 40 seconds and 3 timeouts, but Flacco and pals are shell shocked and done. PAR-TAY TIME in WNY.
Less meaningfully, we still had the NFC South to settle. N’Awlins and the MRSA Men went back and forth, but Rapey Jameis found Chris Godwin for the winning TD (when it looked like they would set up a possible winning FG instead) with 9 seconds to play.
Twas a bit anti-climactic, knowing what we knew from Megatron’s Butthole – that Cam and crew were phoning it in. 22-10 Falcons. So…it stays NO at 4, CAR at 5, ATL at 6, just as the day began.
Too bad for the SeaTruthers, their late 24-23 comeback win against Birdcano being all for naught. We were (almost) all tired of them anyway. With the Fightin’ Tomsulas on the rise, and RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! already among the NFC’s elite (with young talent leading the way), a re-tooling is likely in order in the Pacific NW, and the long knives could be out for Petey. Ed. NOTE: This game became so inconsequential that I failed to notice that AZ actually kicked a FG after SEA took the lead, and ended up winning 26-24. I left the original text in place because funnier. Only noticed because checked scoreboard to see if I missed any games LMAO.
Speaking of the two ascendents, they met in LA, with RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! trying their best to tank, partly for rest, but mostly (in my view) because they wanted a piece of Iggle flesh (as opposed to the Viking juggernaut) in the Divisional round. Alas, NO had the same thought. Still, 34-13 is a nice hiding for Santa Clara to wind up their 5-game end of season win streak. Take a bow indeed, Ms. Garafalo.
See you next season, coke-up Red Zone guy. We shall miss you greatly.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA
World’s Biggest Gangbang? CHONG!
Michigan, particularly Harbaugh’s Meeeeechigan fucking up the B1G perfecto against lowly South Cakalaky is pretty awesome.
When they only got 9 points off of SC’s 16 first half turnovers you knew they were probably gonna fuck it up.
Similar to some of those early Union generals, but I don’t sense a drunken Ulysses S. Grant coming off the bench for the Wolverines…
Very annoying trend: [insert placename] STRONG!
Viva Raza Is: “WRONG!”
Now I’m going to sulk and play my Atari PONG.
Did this Mich-SC game start using the “make it take it” rule while I wasn’t looking?
3 touchdowns in 6 game minutes for SC. The South, rising again?
My Fave Rectangle: “OBLONG!”
Chinese secret society TONG
How can I pick up some of this salad? TONGS
fucking Christ, UCF. Just set my $50 on fire, why dontcha?
Don’t forget the (lack of) flags for the flag god!
BLEERGH has a name, BLEERGHdamnit!!
Ice Giants doing their best to play an entire game 5 on 4.
also, when/how did South Cakalaky make a game of things?
Abandoned By The US After The Vietnam War?: “H’MONG!”
Baker Mayfield turned into Billy Corgan (with hair) so gradually I barely noticed.
The dog is farting and looking at me with a “if you don’t take me outside we’re both gonna regret it” look in his eyes, so it’s time to put some pants on me and his silly little jacket on him and go for a walk.
Hey you kids get off my: LAWN
Craving some Taco Bell. BONG!
“Let me just take another hit off this. BONG!” -MTWV
It’s back.
A WAY back.
And it’s GONE!
– Vin Scully
Doc Emrick with a painful “New York Post” joke after a shot hits the post.
Every joke he makes is painful. That’s who he is.
it is known
John Holmes Had A Big: “SCHLONG!”
Would have also accepted DONG
– Houston
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0335563/
Wonderland was a very good movie. Kinda depressing.
#77 on Aubie clearly holding on the TD pass, too
what a ridiculous fucking call against UCF
https://www.barstoolsports.com/chicago/mmbm-as-a-ginger-does-jon-gruden-fulfill-the-rooney-rule/?_branch_match_id=462043485170721339
The best part about using the overhead camera for that shot was that you could see the blatant hold on #30 that Auburn got away with.
oh merde, Knights
the ppl sitting around eating full racks of ribs? THIN! DIVERSE!!
Falun: GONG!
Gong: SHOW!
Bang A: GONG!
-Marc Bolan
There’s a ton of fit people on TV but not a lot of them on couches. Weird!
Is this right? The Browns have the 1st and 4th picks? If so the mind boggles at how they’re going to fuck this up.
“Can we pick Darnold twice?”
There is no doubt in my mind that drafting Sam Darnold is going to figure prominently in them fucking this up.
Darnold and Barkley, a ret….special young man and high mileage college back, chuh chuh
Meanwhile, Humps reach for OL and leave best player in the draft NC State’s Bradley Chubb for the Donks, and Hippo has a rare happy.
They’ll pick Darnold AND Rosen. QB competition!
Or they’ll swap picks with the Giants, the Giants will take Rosen, the Browns will take Darnold, (who based on me having seen him play once I am convinced is a bad QB, a terrible person, and possibly responsible for the disappearance of Amelia Earhart), and then with the Giants 2nd round pick the Browns will draft a sentient pile of cocaine, because they learned nothing from the Manziel debacle.
This seems realistic
Announcer: ” And with the fourth pick of the 2018 NFL draft the Cleveland Browns pick, ….wait… what, do they know you can’t draft a challenge flag?”
Why is there no 10th pick?
Edit. Image has no number 10. I just can’t read and count
San Francisco doesn’t deserve a pick.
homophobe!
or I should say “oppressor of the phallocracy” since this is Garafalo era
Huh?
She is one helluva QB!!
Does anyone else have Suddenlink and get these shitty PSAs every other commercial?
Capers gone in Green Bay.
No word on anchovies.
“Pretty sure I’m safe. And spell my name properly for once.”
-Anne Chovy, Asst. GM
Why isn’t Wimbush playing for ND today?
Arians out.
I’m sure the line of HC candidates will be out the door for a franchise with a mid-round pick and no franchise QB….
Arians out
“WE MUST BUILD THE WALL!”
– DJT
DAL/PHI yesterday was so awesome, ND and LSU decided to re-run it for us.
LSU is just waiting until Brian Kelly gets the wind, because they know that’ll be a goddamn disaster for ND.
THIS, this I like
King: “KONG!”
Random Sunday gravy thingy:
One of my favourite things about hosting Xmas is that I get/keep the bones when dinner is done. From those bones I make some Turkey soup and man is it good soup. Finally got around to making it yesterday (carcus froze in the garage so wasnt worried about it going bad) as have been feeling like crap since the 24th. Looks lile im going to be eating soup twice a day for the next week.
Leftover Thanksgiving Turkey soup used to be pretty underrated but a lot of people seem to have caught on that it is goddamn delicious.
I think as it’s made at home from simple ingredients it’s better. And soup is something that you can’t really rush, so that extra time helps it all taste better. With everyone in a rush these days, home cooking is becoming rare.
We made turkey stock and have been making a soup with kale, onion, riced cauliflower and Italian sausage. It does the trick. Feel better!
I’m better now. Took a week to get better tho. But it’s been good for my weight. Down 4lbs over Xmas. Wtf.
And that sounds like some damn tasty soup.
My black eye peas came out amazing yesterday. I cooked some bacon and sauteed onion and celery in the bacon fat then added in garlic, thyme, the peas and some chicken stock. Add in the crumbled bacon and simmer for about 2 hours. Must have cornbread alongside. Couple of dashes of your favorite hot sauce and party on.
You could make a quick batch of egg noodles and add them to the soup. It’s just flour, eggs and salt. Roll out and hand cut. Use all of the garlic too.
“Freezing carcasses in the garage is my favorite part of the holidays too.”
– Craig James
Vance Joseph is DEFINITELY safe, and it sounds like Two of the Good Ones is on the way out. UGH!!
Cheech &: CHONG
Horatio Cornblower:
Needs more frozen snot clinging to his face.
Not because that’s what happened to me yesterday, just because Hugh Grant’s smug face could use a lot more frozen snot covering it.
Thought it was blow off a strippers ass that was on him
Say what you want about him but during ‘Four Weddings And A Funeral”-
He had me at “ahhh. blurrd. snaf. garf. [awkward silence] bliff. snoof glob. ARB?”
And when that set of teeth said “Yeth, I’ll maary youth”? I just lost it.
Chuck Barris: “GONG!”
Balls Prediction Update:
Coach: Prediction – Outcome
Bowles: 50/50 – Still safe.
Gruden: 50/50 – Still safe
Fox: GONE – GONE
Koetter: GONE – Safe
Pagano: GONE – GONE
Del Rio: Safe – GONE
Caldwell: Safe – GONE
Arians: GONE – GONE
Lewis: GONE – TBD
McAdoo: FIRED – FIRED
I predicted Belichick was safe ppl forget that.
As kittens
Rosamund Pike: “GONE GIRL!”
Ice flags for the ice flag god!
“Blimp-Worthy Athletes?”
Somewhere Albert Haynesworth’s ears are burning.
Because of the diabetes, you see.
I see *somebody’s* commenting game is ready for the postseason. Nice.
Outback Bowl Mascot is triggered….
I’ve never had a bloomin’ onion, but I imagine it would make me fart like a rhino.
Sean Astin: “GOONIE!”
Ah, the “dump-and-chase”, or, as I remember it, the one play in the Hartford Whalers arsenal.
I thought you were talking about high school.
Pretty accurate description of my junior prom, that’s for sure.
The part about the whale?
When, if ever, is the Auburn OC gonna figure out that the UCF D doesn’t fall for play action AT ALL?
fucking shitass UCF QB
You sound like one of his professors trying to grade his paper with some semblance of honesty without ruining his eligibility.
I’d like it noted that for the first time in longer than I can remember, I’ve now put long pants on two days in a row. TWO DAYS IN A ROW!!!!!
I hate winter.
And underpants too!!!!!
I started 2018 the way I ended 2017: No pants.
Yesterday I went up a mountain to celebrate New Year’s Eve. it was 1 degree at the top, with a wind chill of -18, something I didn’t have to worry about since I had taken the precaution of not doing the hike in the nude.
But do go on about how cold it is in the Carolinas.
/Yes, I am actually just replying to humblebrag about what a goddamn idiot I am.
Is it really a humblebrag if people aren’t impressed by the thing you’re attempting to brag about?
Well I for one was impressed.
He’s convinced me. He’s an idiot.
(i keed i keed)
Though when he does the nude summer hike, I would like some photos.
😛
No can do. The wildlife in the area filed a restraining order a couple of years back. Said that they could take an extended hunting season but that site of my pale flesh moving through their home was just too much.
Damn sexy wildife, with your fur and your morals.
It’s not the impression you make in the humblebrag, it’s the fact that you were an asshole enough to do it in the first place that matters.
And thanks to law school, I am that asshole!
Why the fuck would you do that?
Family tradition to climb the tallest mountain in CT once a year. Realized a couple of weeks ago that I hadn’t done it so naturally I decided to make it as difficult as possible. On the plus side there were plenty of parking spaces available!
Fun fact*, the tallest mountain in Connecticut is not the tallest point, because the tallest point is on Mt. Frissell, which has it’s top in Massachusetts.
*This is indeed a fact, but whether it is a fun one or not is certainly debatable.
We have an apparent death by high-stick at the hockey game.
Nope, he’s up. And bleeding.
No penalty. At a minimum should have been a four-minute PP for the Sabres.
Sabres are playing against the Patriots?
You would think.
Even I thought that should’ve been a double minor!
John Fox: GONE
Jim Caldwell: GONE!
Re: Caldwell – gone as in FIRED or gone as in “hiding so well that nobody can find him.”
Yes
Tie Domi: GOON!
NEIDERMEIR!!!