Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 17, 2017

Yes indeed, we have reached the end of regulation play.  To celebrate the absence of the Shitty Clippers, here are your Wild Card matchups:

#5 Tennessee Titans at #4 Kansas City Chefs (4:20, ESPN/ABC)

As always, KC gets the worst time slot whenever they are part of the tournament.  I do believe the Tits can take ’em out, because they are sentient.

#6 Atlanta Falcons at #3 Los Angeles Rams (8:15, NBC)

Primetime spotlight dance in Tinseltown?  Why not??  RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! fever burning at an all-time high, no doubt.  Matty Ice and crew have no chance whatsoever.

#6 Buffalo Bills at #3 Jacksonville Jaguras (1:05, CBS)

Bet nobody imagined this matchup before the season started.  Entropy is a beautiful thing.

#5 Carolina Panthers at #4 New Orleans Saints (4:40, Fox)

Both these teams looked like merde on Sunday, and the Panthers don’t match up well at all – especially on turf.  GAMBLOR HINT!!

Is there really anything to discuss beyond Chris Coleman’s pathetic drop to damn #ThePauls to 0-16 and break the hearts of the 2008 Detroit Lions?  I mean, MEIN GOTT does DeShone Kizer ever deserve better than the kind of “effort” he got out of his teammates this season, and in particular this week.

Yinzers wisely rested starters assuming the P*ts would run train on the Bryce Petty Jets, which they did.  Still, 5-11 with that dead fish of a roster represents yeoman’s work by Todd Bowles.

Chi****’s Foxball era was mercifully euthanized after a painful-to-watch 23-10 loss in Minny-SEW-ta.  Truth Biscuit had a hilarious, moronic safety.  That’s about it for highlight plays.

Dallas missed a chip shot FG and an extra point, but still defeated the #1 seed in the NFC Philadelphia Iggles, 6-nil.  Yes, you read all that correctly.  One can see why nobody was knocking themselves out to get that 3rd seed.

Another weird score – Los Gigantes 18, Redacteds 10.  I enjoy things like that.  Elisha and Captain Dingleberry played like themselves in their likely swan songs.

Coach Cancer goes out a winner in his Humpin’ around finale, 22-13 over the Hopkins-less Imaginarium.  Even got a safety and surprise onside kick in the process!  Another fun score, 22-13.

The Lions beat the tar shit out of the Packers, 35-11.  Nobody cared, and Jim Caldwell still (somewhat surprisingly) got fired.

Speaking of nobody cares, how about them Chefs and Donks backups!  KC blows a late 2 score lead, but recovers to win on a last-second FG and secure Denver the 5th overall pick, 27-24.  Thanks!

You wouldn’t expect the Tits to do it all pretty like…and they didn’t.  Scratched and clawed to a 15-3 lead, had things well in hand before gifting the Jaguras a defensive TD that kept their sphincters tight until Mariota converted the clinching first down run.  Welcome back to the playoffs, Tennessee.

That knocked out the Shitty Clippers, whose 30-10 win over pre-Vegas just fucked up their draft position. HAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  Unsurprisingly, Jack Del Rio got fired.

Down South Beach way, the wagons were a circling.  Somewhat hilariously, Buffalo almost gakked away a 22-3 Q4 lead to David Fucking Fales but mercifully picked him off after a successful Dolphin onside kick at 22-16.  WHEW.

Which meant…they just needed a Bungle win in Balmer.  Not as unpossible as it might seem, given that Cincy had a 2 TD lead for much of the afternoon/evening.  But these are the Bungles, and they fucked it up, giving up 17 straight.  With 2 minutes and change to play, Dalton got it back on his own 10.  He used up about 100 seconds of that to get it to midfield, facing 4th and 12.  No more timeouts.  And Tyler Fucking Boyd of all people runs a perfect slant and go route, makes a nice open field move…and is gone.  31-27, Cincy.  40 seconds and 3 timeouts, but Flacco and pals are shell shocked and done.  PAR-TAY TIME in WNY.

Less meaningfully, we still had the NFC South to settle.  N’Awlins and the MRSA Men went back and forth, but Rapey Jameis found Chris Godwin for the winning TD (when it looked like they would set up a possible winning FG instead) with 9 seconds to play.

Twas a bit anti-climactic, knowing what we knew from Megatron’s Butthole – that Cam and crew were phoning it in.  22-10 Falcons.  So…it stays NO at 4, CAR at 5, ATL at 6, just as the day began.

Too bad for the SeaTruthers, their late 24-23 comeback win against Birdcano being all for naught.  We were (almost) all tired of them anyway.  With the Fightin’ Tomsulas on the rise, and RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! already among the NFC’s elite (with young talent leading the way), a re-tooling is likely in order in the Pacific NW, and the long knives could be out for Petey.  Ed. NOTE: This game became so inconsequential that I failed to notice that AZ actually kicked a FG after SEA took the lead, and ended up winning 26-24.  I left the original text in place because funnier.  Only noticed because checked scoreboard to see if I missed any games LMAO.

Speaking of the two ascendents, they met in LA, with RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! trying their best to tank, partly for rest, but mostly (in my view) because they wanted a piece of Iggle flesh (as opposed to the Viking juggernaut) in the Divisional round.  Alas, NO had the same thought.  Still, 34-13 is a nice hiding for Santa Clara to wind up their 5-game end of season win streak.  Take a bow indeed, Ms. Garafalo.

See you next season, coke-up Red Zone guy.  We shall miss you greatly.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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scotchnaut

Woof! Don’t fuck with UCF’s D-line.

herodotus450

Ha they just showed him doin it

scotchnaut

I’m told that the originator of that gesture was Helen Keller.

Horatio Cornblower

There is so much space in the Citi Field outfield that I think they could have had two hockey games going at the same time.

Which would have been awesome! Think about it: Rangers-Sabres in the infield, Devils-Islanders in the OF.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Somebody’s been taking his kids to too many soccer tournaments where there are four games going on at once.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh, I neglect my children far too much for that to be the case.

Senor Weaselo

Soccer, baseball, that time at the Quidditch Cup…

Horatio Cornblower

“And the Sabres find themselves down by [x]”

There’s a sentence you never hear.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“And Ryan Leaf finds himself down by [the warehouse district]”

Is something you will hear occasionally.

scotchnaut

Auburn’s qb is keeping UCF in this game.

Horatio Cornblower

With help from the refs. Fake hand-off my ass.

ballsofsteelandfury

Kim Jones on the NFL Network looks like someone you DO NOT want to piss off.

herodotus450

DEFINITELY don’t try to get a marriage license from her (him?) !

rockingdog

hahaha so this is real….. why chicken wings? weird…

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ballsofsteelandfury

It’s so magically beautiful, it makes me think there is actually hope for mankind.

JustStopDude

I heard that the truck load of Cinci Chili sent in thanks for the wings was stopped at the border on orders of the NY governor.

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People seriously need to stop polluting the Great Lakes…it kills brain cells and taste buds…

scotchnaut

[wishes he was the coach of the Bengals]

-Andy Reid

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Now I’m picturing Andy Reid quitting his job before the playoffs start because Cincinnati made him an offer he was physiologically incapable of refusing.

Horatio Cornblower

Mike Brown is going to send the wings back, because the value of the wings will upset his carefully laid plans to declare a tax loss.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Mike Brown almost had a rage stroke before he realized that this note was not, in fact, a bill he would have pay ignore.

Horatio Cornblower

Ice Giants v. Ice Bills looks like a cold one, folks.

Senor Weaselo

Glad I’m not freezing my balls off! Also because tickets are fucking ridiculous. And already 4th line goal!

Horatio Cornblower

The outdoor games are definitely for TV. You have to be out of your mind to pay that much to freeze your ass off while trying to watch hockey in a facility where 80%+ of the seats have lousy site lines.

But it does make for great TV.

Senor Weaselo

I have friends at the game and a lot of my mom’s side of the family works at Citi Field.

Horatio Cornblower

No, you had friends at the game. Everyone there is going to be dead of exposure mid-way through the 3rd period.

ballsofsteelandfury

So. Arians is gone now. I’m 3 for 3 with the Del Rio firing the only surprise.

I wonder who’s next…

litre_cola

Jay Gruden?

ballsofsteelandfury

He’s allegedly safe.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m beginning to think that whoever owns the Broncos might want to reconsider the GM.

Horatio Cornblower

I would think that there would be some sort of mechanism to get around that. You can’t have a drooling idiot running a billion dollar enterprise that interacts on a daily basis with other, similarly powerful billion dollar entities.

That shit only flies when you’re talking about the President of the United States.

herodotus450

Are the safest coaches really Hue and Belicheck?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I could picture Belichick cutting himself because too much money on a backloaded deal is about to come due, and screwing their employees out of money is the *true* Patriot Way.

herodotus450

He’d get traded back to the Browns for a couple first round picks, Browns go 5-11 and fire him, he goes back to New ENgland.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Even I’m a bit surprised by the Del Rio firing. I have the feeling that Gruden was already a done deal or it wouldn’t have happened.

ballsofsteelandfury

Agreed. Which makes the “Rooney Rule” extra laughable.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I bet the Raiders will claim that they interviewed Art Shell (again).

ballsofsteelandfury

I wonder if poor Art has started charging for “interviews”

scotchnaut

Spagnulollolollololoollolloll is the easiest of answers.

JustStopDude

I refuse to believe anyone was insane enough to predict that Hue Jackson could go 1 for 32 and be safe.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I want the new season to start already cause I want to see them lose some more.

JustStopDude

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herodotus450

Time for another round of “Porn Star, College Football Player, or Famous Chocolatier”:
Russell Gage
Eli Stove
Equanimeous St. Brown

Senor Weaselo

I’m gonna say Gage is the porn star, Stove the chocolatier, St. Brown the football player?

ballsofsteelandfury

Russell=Chocolatier
Eli=Porn star
Equanimeous=College Football Player

scotchnaut

Brown is football
Stove is candy
Gage is porn.

herodotus450

Ha it was setup! They’re all football players! How about a consolation round of “Wrestling Move, Landmark Supreme Court Case, or College Football Player”:
Donovan Peoples-Jones

scotchnaut

/I think I got this-

Donovan Elbow was one of the lead lawyers in Rowe/Wade. HAH!

herodotus450

SC-Mich Announcer: “…some more good edge play.”
Whoah hold up, what is this, my laundry room?

yeah right

Think I’m going to the movies again today. I really want to see the Shape of Water and it will keep me away from the beer cooler for an extra couple of hours.
I had the foresight to fully stock up the beer supply since there’s an amazing sale on right now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Showoff.

/puts on pants

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well shit, I guess if I want beer I really do have to put on pants and go get it.
I tried teh telekinesis but it’s taking too long.

Damn it’s cold out tho. Like seriously…the lake is freezing. Could probably be skated upon by mid week.

herodotus450

smh you should’ve put out a bowl of sugar water two weeks ago then you wouldn’t be in this predicament

Senor Weaselo

I have a road Sweet Baby Jesus from yesterday, but you don’t have that kind of telekinetic power.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Addendum you’ll appreciate…

Geese are easily outsmarted by ice on a partially frozen lake. They just kinda sit there looking at it, trying to figure out how to get around it and get to shore, with their dumb little goose brains.

I’ll try to get a picture later. It’s hilarious. They so damned stupid.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Ha ha these people are so stupid they just keep being distracted by us on ice while our brothers the ducks are stealing shit out of their houses.

– The Geese

rockingdog

Happy Bills fans are happy!

https://streamable.com/y6gvd

theeWeeBabySeamus

That reminds me, someone should check on Fozz.

Or more correctly, Fozz’s family. And pets.

Senor Weaselo

Shot not!
/Finger on nose

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s pretty fucking cool!

yeah right

Good for them. We could make the universe implode with a Vikings Bills Superb Owl.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

RIKKI: [to self] You know, there’s probably more bacon grease in this pan than you need to fry these potatoes. You should drain some of that.

RIKKI: [does not drain any of the bacon grease]

theeWeeBabySeamus

Later that night in the cardiac unit…

scotchnaut

[beautiful golden brown potatoes taste like bacon]

RIKKI: “You should listen to me more often.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Always fun to get a live look into the Reid household.

Wait a minute, that’s not live. You can tell cause the son is still around.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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scotchnaut

[Auburn qb trips over his shoelaces]

“Oliviaaaaaaaa, someone’s stealing from my playbook again!”

-Eli

rockingdog

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scotchnaut

[yelling from the kitchen]

“WAS IT A FUMBLE OR AN INTERCEPTION?”

-Olivia

rockingdog

So is this the New Years day open thread?

scotchnaut

It is if you christen it with a dog-related gif…

rockingdog

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scotchnaut

It’s in the books. So say we all.

herodotus450

SO SAY WE ALL.

scotchnaut

“Can’t wait for the later games that actually matter!”

[realizes that he watched everything he could yesterday]

“Apparently I just like football no matter the context!”

scotchnaut

High school football is not a thing in The Canada otherwise I’m sure I could tell you about the salient differences between Alberta football and Quebec football.

litre_cola

7 man is a thing in the sticks though!

Senor Weaselo

Hermana Weaselo is rooting for South Carolina. In fairness, she really likes Bloomin’ Onions.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I was really afraid of how you were gonna end that last sentence.

Go ‘Cocks!!!!

scotchnaut

Who’s the kid that forgot his hand in the locker room?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Bumper factoid: Native Americans lived in the Tampa area for thousands of years before the Spanish showed up and commenced the genocide that white Americans finished up after the Spanish passed the baton.
Watching college football is as educational as going to college!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Watching college football is as educational as going to college!

U*NC agrees.

herodotus450

No surprise S. Carolina is good at false starting a conflict against an opponent with a vast resource advantage and the moral high ground.

herodotus450

Not sure what Im gonna do if SC starts not sucking and wins this game.

scotchnaut

Otis Anderson is in the USF backfield? He’s gotta be at least 60 years old!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Alex Guerrero is his trainer, came highly recommended by TB.

JustStopDude

I learned from the Cord and Tish broadcast that the Georgia marching band could beat the Oklahoma Sooners football team in an actual match.

Also, the intern that did the research, who was also a Georgia grad is getting fired later in the broadcast.

scotchnaut

A “true sophomore”-is that like a true Daily Double?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

More like a “technical virgin”.

herodotus450
theeWeeBabySeamus

Alright, time to head to the beer store.
I can’t go to the vodka store today because the State of North Carolina thinks I’m not responsible enough to have booze available at stores which are open on holidays.

Jerks.

Senor Weaselo

Fuckers.

rockingdog

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scotchnaut

Is Scott Frost that do-everything dude that refused to play anything but qb in the NFL?

herodotus450

No surprise that S. Carolina is good at losing ground in their own territory while their agrarian, labor intensive economy fails to support their war effort.

herodotus450

“But if we have to pay taxes don’t have slaves how will we be able to make shitty cars grow cotton?”
/Also this is your daily reminder that people who opine about “the good ol days” should be round up and shot

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow, remember when you could get away with that? Those were the good ol’ days.

/takes cover

scotchnaut

The fact that SC wasn’t in charge of supply lines for the army lies directly at the feet of Jefferson Davis.

herodotus450

Now the only thing at the feet of Jefferson Davis is hundreds of statue pedestals.

scotchnaut

Dang. I was gonna suggest pigeon feces.

Viva La Tabula Raza

So Harbaugh spent the night at the place kicker’s house and convinced him to sign with Michigan. How does that work, I mean, does Harbaugh just call up prospects and invite himself over for the evening? Then he gets drunk and has to crash on the couch? I don’t get it.

scotchnaut

I can’t even imagine what he’d do if the recruit was a QB…

herodotus450

He talks about it in a PMT interview, can’t remember the details though. Maybe something with the official start of recruiting season?

scotchnaut

Do you have an open thread locked and loaded?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I haven’t even looked today to be honest.
Probably would be nice to give Senor’s work a little more time to breathe first tho.

theeWeeBabySeamus

My point is I agree with Hippo, in case that’s not clear.
I’m still a little hungover.

scotchnaut

Just curious is all.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, I was too actually lol, so just went and looked.
Rob’s open thread for tonight is set to go early with kickoff of early playoff game (4dfo).

herodotus450

No surprise that S. Carolina is good at seceding their possession of the football.

herodotus450

Who’s a guy gotta blow to get ONE Gus Johnson bowl game on New Year’s Day? C’mon!

scotchnaut

I’ve been sticking my penis through a hole in your laundry room wall for THREE days now! smgdh

theeWeeBabySeamus

– Gus Johnson

scotchnaut

I pray that Winovich kid from Michigan never makes the NFL-Super Bro with a high motor, long red hair and a penchant for sacks? We’ll never hear of anyone else, ever.

scotchnaut

Ok. He’s raising money for childhood cancer. Christ buddy, cancer doesn’t need any more help!

scotchnaut

Being a white de improves his draft ranking by at least half a round.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s the best kind.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Michigan special teams was “short bus special” on that one.
Geeez.

Viva La Tabula Raza

If Gruden goes to coach Raiders as is rumored, who will take his place on MNF next season? Who could fill those shoes?

ArmedandHammered

Ronald McDonald. Wouldn’t even have to change the makeup that much.

herodotus450

Peyton-bot is being rebooted as we speak; unfortunately the global DRAM shortage means his memory was unable to be upgraded and will only be able to repeat the same 5 platitudes over and over. So a perfect fit!

Viva La Tabula Raza

And all his platitudes will be spoken in the cadence of the Nationwide jingle.

Don T

The NFC Week 17 tankfest for @ Philly Divisional game makes a lot of sense! Great stuff, KH.

FINALLY, all the riff raff has been cast aside and the really good NFL teams—

/ convulsing from laughter

Oh, TEN. Shoutout to the fans who went to the game yesterday. Lotta empty seats. Sharp contrast with the Bills fans. Keep piling ugly wins, and they’ll be the Lester City Tits.

JustStopDude

The Amazon Prime broadcast of the Rose Parade is the single most hilarious thing of 2018 so far.

JustStopDude

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Senor Weaselo

I know they have a float, so please tell me it’s Clarkson, Hammond, and May just making fun of all the other floats.

JustStopDude

No its not. Its Will Ferrell and Molly Shannon in character, with Tim Meadows not in character, covering the Rose Parade. It is hilarious.

“I was lost in the jungles of Mexico for 6 months while searching for Macchu Picchu, which I found out later was in Peru.”

blaxabbath

You are correct that ARI’s win did not matter except to maintain their tradition of using weeks 13 through 17 as opportunities for the backups to screw up yheir draft position.

One opinion I lifted from sportstalk twitter: if Arians is out (as expected) candidates will be looking at gigs with Truth Bisky, Luck, possibly Wilson, Denver’s D, Derek Carr, etc — vs taking over at ARI where there is neither a franchise qb nor the necessary draft property to get one.

Arizona is going to be very bad for a very long time.

Senor Weaselo

So… go Jaguras, right?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

For sura.

There are also several teams in the NFC that I have no objections to.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hue Jackson discussing with his agent the plethora of coaching offers coming in?

litre_cola

Hippo I hope for you that Boomer sooner wins. I also hope to take part in the live blogs today once this plumbing is fixed.
ARE YOU READY FOAR THE WINTER OF FOLES?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think I’ve decided to ride Hippo’s coattails onto the Sooner Schooner.
Haven’t placed the wager yet, but am about 90% sure I will since I didn’t lose everything yesterday.

Though it wasn’t for a lack of trying, lemme tell ya.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Unless you like the Ravens or hate the Bills, you will find this quite cheerful:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BdY7OUehVMr/

theeWeeBabySeamus

There’s a special place in Hell for Dalton and Boyd.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hauschka can suck it too, btw.
😛

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What are you doing online so early? She didn’t stick around for breakfast?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Didn’t even stick around for dinner.
tWBS can run ’em off very efficiently. I thought you knew that about me.
😀

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sorry, man. I was rooting for you so I could live vicariously.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m joking. And don’t be sorry. It was a fun evening and I got a midnight New Year’s kiss from a pretty girl.

More than I expected going into the night, I count it as a win.

Turns out she’s not local tho and I have no desire for a long distance thing. I’m too old for that kinda junk anymore, even just to Virginia.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Go team!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m kind of surprised there was never a character named Dalton on “Justified”. Seems like it would be an appropriate name for that region.

Viva La Tabula Raza

One of the Crowe clan. Spent the entire run of the series in prison.

litre_cola

No hangover just a lot of body pain. Thanks Decilitre for both.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Happy New Year, everybody! And it wouldn’t be New Year’s Day without the crippling hangover.

JustStopDude

If there is any sort of Football Karma in the world…the Browns will release Kizer. The Ravens pick him up from the scrap heap for nothing.

They sit him behind Flacco for a season or two. Then Kizer comes in and proceeds to curbstomp the fucking Browns for the next 10 seasons, twice a fucking year, having a successful career in the NFL.

This fucking teams should not exist. I really wish the NFL never brought back this corpse of a franchise…

Senor Weaselo

Of all the Cleveland Browns things in the world, that wouldn’t quite be the Cleveland Browniest, but it would be up there.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think Corey Coleman’s drop was the Brownsiest thing ever. I suppose it could have been a bit more Brownsy if he’d been in the end zone when he did it, but I think what happened is about as close to the Platonic ideal as we’ll ever get.

montythisseemsstrangetome

I like how the NFL goes to the trouble of scheduling all intra-divisional matchups for week 17 and still almost none of them mattered.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Both AFC North games ended in heartbreakingly hilarious fashion.

scotchnaut

Quality work, Hippo.

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