tWBS: So, do you think the DFOers are getting tired of this quasi movie review thingy we’re trying to force upon them yet?
Balls: Probably. But do we care?
tWBS: A little I guess. I just don’t want them to end up…
Balls: SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY!!!!
tWBS: Well that wasn’t very nice.
Balls: Fuck it Dude. Let’s go bowling!!!!!
tWBS: That’s right, assholes. If you didn’t see this one coming a mile away, then you don’t know Balls or myself very well I guess. And since most of you have seen this one already, we may not always bother sticking to the straight narrative.
Balls: And if you haven’t seen it (looking at Weaselo and Maestro and the other young DFOers), then you need to fix that ASAP. But there’s a lot going on here and it would be cumbersome and way too long if we tried to cover it all.
tWBS: But we will try to still stick to the general timeline and overview of the story because….
Balls: Hey!!! As an aside, this is another one which encapsulated life in SoCal wonderfully, btw.
tWBS: Oh FFS, Dude….
Balls: Hehehehehe. Listen, if you want to know what LA was like in the 90s, all you have to do is watch this movie, Swingers, and Go. Seriously. But regardless, I guess that settles that. I’m the Dude, and you’re Walter. Especially since you even just called me “Dude”….?
…But fine, I won’t argue.
Balls: Though in truth, I do think we’re both a healthy mix of each. With a little Jesus mixed in for good measure…
tWBS: Very true. But without the pedophilia, of course.
Balls: 8 year olds, dude. Of course no pedophilia. So how should we do this?
Balls: LOL, we could do this all day. But I suppose we really should talk about the story itself at least a little bit, huh.
Balls: Hehehehe…. Yeah, let’s do this.
tWBS: But rather than us describing how this one opens this time, I think we should just remind everyone with the clip. So let’s not pollute the waters just yet?
Balls: Agreed. Lotsa symbolism here, much of which is open to interpretation anyway. As well as a lot of foreshadowing. Plus we get some good views of Los AnGeles (hard “G” obligatory, btw)…
tWBS: Hehehe….Ralph’s. Even having not lived there full time (yet), I do have to admit to having a handful of good memories of them and Stater Bros. too. I have, at least a time or two, wandered around LA area supermarkets in the middle of the night. Though admittedly, it was usually in search of vodka.
Balls: Oh, so now you like my LA centric bullshit, huh?
tWBS: Always did. Just giving you shit. Carry on.
Balls: Would it surprise you that I had the EXACT same Ralph’s card? And that the Ralph’s where they filmed is where I used to shop? The card had my name, of course, and it was not my only type of ID.
tWBS: Strip club discount card? Also, I’m guessing you’ve got previous experience writing a check for 69…though maybe with slightly different details.
Balls: That’s a separate card I actually did own, but Yes. And also yes on writing checks. But enough of that. We’ve got a film to cover. We quickly have a case of mistaken identity, and a rug which got peed on…
tWBS: It really tied the room together. Also, did you ever wonder why the Dude didn’t just take the rug to the laundromat?
Balls: YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT, DONNY!!!! *ahem* Besides, why the fuck should I pay for something someone else did?!? It’s the fucking principle!
Apologies, Cowboy. But let’s fast forward a bit. The Dude figures out that the Chinaman…
tWBS: DUDE! Chinaman is NOT the preferred nomenclature. Asian American, please.
Balls: Right, right. But Woo, the Asian American who peed on the Dude’s rug was actually looking for his millionaire tocayo. So, the Dude heads to Pasadena…
tWBS: Isn’t that where you live?
Balls: SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY! *ahem* …..where all millionaires with walls of recognition plaques live, to get the rich Lebowski to voluntarily replace his rug. But it turns out the rich Lebowski is kindova dick, so the Dude manages to take care of the rug replacement himself. But then later, his services are requested when…
tWBS: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
tWBS: You’re skipping over a lot.
Balls: You’re the one who said….
tWBS: Fuck what I said. Roll the Bunny tapes!!!!!
Balls: So sad.
tWBS: Fucking A.
Balls: I mean, I’m pretty sure Tara Reid would currently blow either of us for $1000, but that’s just too much for where she is now. I’d give her $5 like I give the homeless people on the freeway offramps and then send her on her way. Anyway, the Dude is primed and ready to make a little unexpected dough being a bag man. Simple…what could possibly go wrong???
tWBS: Enter Walter….and his dirty undies….
Balls: Why is that backwards?
tWBS: Because sometimes youtube sucks!! Am I wrong? AM I WRONG?????
Balls: You’re not wrong, you’re just an asshole.
tWBS: Hehehehehe. But at this point I think we need to pause a sec and recognize Donny. Steve Buscemi is one of my all time favorite actors and this is a role which despite being understated, he played perfectly.
Balls: Agreed. He played this perfectly. Roll the Donny tapes!!!!!
Balls and tWBS (in unison while laughing): SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY!!!!!
Balls (still giggling): OK, back to our program….
Balls: You know, this reminds me that Donny provided both the saddest part of this movie and the funniest.
tWBS: NOT YET!!
Balls: Ok, fine! Where are we in the narrative? I’m a little lost.
tWBS: It figures you would be. Shit, we forgot about the Nihilists!
Balls: As opposed to Nazis
tWBS: And also naked artist Julianne Moore!
Balls: Btw, did I tell you that I watched this movie the night before a trip to Europe with one of my friends? I didn’t want to leave LA after watching it.
tWBS: One, what the fuck does that have to do with anything? And two, why wouldn’t you want to go to Europe?
Balls: It’s not that I didn’t want to go, I just got homesick without actually leaving. Does that make sense? Eh, fuck it, dude.
tWBS: Sooooo, back to the story. Julianne Moore steals the rug that the Dude took from the rich asshole/her father because personal reasons and…
Balls: It sucks because that one ALSO really tied the room together.
tWBS: SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY! … Also yes. But then The Dude had already figured out that Bunny had kidnapped herself and…
Balls: Dude, I’m totally lost, man. Btw, who knew that nihilists love the pancakes at Dinah’s? But fine. Can we talk about the ashes then?
tWBS: What? Hell no!!! I can’t believe you want to skip that far ahead.
Balls: But you said…
tWBS: I know what I fucking said!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY!!!! *ahem* … There is no way in hell we’re skipping over the Larry incident.
Balls: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FUCK A STRANGER IN THE ASS!!!!!
tWBS: I’m presuming that’s been said to you before? Heheheheheheh….. *ahem* …. Anyway, the Dude’s stolen piece o’ shit car has been found. A little more banged up than before, but who’d notice at this point? But the main problem is that the case with the million clams is missing and everyone from the rich Lebowski, to Maude Lebowski, to the Nihilists, to Walter….wants it back. The Dude has a lot of pressure on him suddenly, which feels very un-Dude. But after yet another little driving mishap, the Dude finds a clue. So he and Walter decide to go investigate it…
Balls: Hey, at least they did still get to In-N-Out Burger. Hehehehehe…
tWBS: That low tech home security fail kills me every time. It’s just so….Dude.
Balls: Indeed. But after getting beaten up a few more times, roofied, and having his house trashed…AGAIN…
tWBS: Don’t forget getting banged by Maude.
Balls: How could I? Who knew the Dude would be sperm donor material for a rich artsy chick, right?
tWBS: Or that cops in beach communities are real assholes?
Balls: Yeah, but we both know that we hate The Eagles.
tWBS: Shit, we forgot about the porn mogul! Who also now wants the money.
Balls: I LOVE the drawing on the note pad.
tWBS: And then there’s MY tocayo, Brother Seamus!
Balls: Yes, apparently Bunny came from the Midwest and her parents were looking for her and Seamus is a private DICK looking for her. That reminds me, another quintessential LA movie is Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
tWBS: SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY! Also, we’re not doing that one. Yet.
Balls: Fine. But after banging Maude unexpectedly, the Dude’s mind “opens up” and he finally figures it out.
tWBS: It was the old fucker the whole time…
Balls: He was hoping she was gone and saw an opening to get some dough because he’s nothing more than a family figurehead on an allowance.
tWBS: Yep. As always….follow the money.
Balls: Ok, is it time yet?
tWBS: I hate this part, but yes.
Balls: Ok, so the nihilists tried to scare the guys into handing over the money.
tWBS: Nothing to be scared about, Donny, these people are cowards.
Balls: Except Donny DID get scared, had a heart attack, and died. Which led to the funniest scene, IMO, of the whole movie.
Balls: If you can’t laugh at Donny’s ashes getting blown by the Pacific Ocean breeze back into the Dude’s face, I don’t know what to tell you.
tWBS: Funny you should say that. When my dad passed away a few years ago, we ended up taking his ashes and scattering them on the beach. I couldn’t help but giggle the whole time. Half my family thought I was having a nervous breakdown. The other half just thought I was an asshole.
Balls: So the other half was right?
tWBS: Hehehehe, yes. But to this day they still don’t know why, and I think that makes it even funnier. Meh.
Balls: Well that’s it folks. We’ll see you next time…
tWBS: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Balls: Shit. What now?
tWBS: Well, we skipped a lot of stuff.
Balls: That was your idea. Then you yelled at me whenever I tried to do it and…
tWBS: That’s not my point.
Balls: Do you even have a point?
tWBS: Yes. I think. Like many of the films you and I seem to agree on as far as being classics, what makes this one great IMHO is the writing and the acting. The little things as it were and…
Balls (sarcastically): Wow, great fucking point.
tWBS: I wasn’t done yet. In the opening scene, we referred to foreshadowing (this aggression will not stand, man) as well as symbolism. The narrator, the tumbleweed? The Cowboy himself? I realize we’ve never talked about this specifically because I’m an unbeliever and you’re…whatever the hell you are. But don’t you think the Cowboy’s knowledge of the situation is meant to be…divine?
Balls: So you think God comes down wearing a Cowboy hat and ordering Sioux City Sasparilla, which is very good btw, in a bowling alley?
tWBS: I’m not saying he’s God God or A god, necessarily. But perhaps a guardian angel?
Balls: I dunno man. I honestly never thought about it that way, but yeah, I could see that. I just think the movie is well done and funny as hell. So what are we giving this one?
tWBS: Well, in honor of the NFL Playoffs getting started in a coupla days, how about…
Two Snaps Up and Two Tight Ends!!!
Balls: Sounds good.
tWBS: Mine’s not as tight as it used to be tho.
Balls: SMGDH….I did not need to know that. Also, squats are your friend.
tWBS: BTW, you do realize that one of the Nihilists was played by Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers, right?
Balls: SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY!!!!
See you next time….
AT THE MOVIES!!!!!!!!