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After an unprecedentedly strange, bizarre? unusual? After a really weird fucking NFL regular season we have finally made it to here. The start of the NFL postseason! Congratulations are in order to 11 of the 12 playoff entrants – fuck the 12th – and condolences are in order for some on the non-playoff teams. Now comes the fun part!
After accidentally stumbling across some playoff prediction content on a website that shall remain nameless but has a penchant for overspending on live sports, over-hiring followed by multiple firings while also having the uncanny ability to turn sports highlight shows into either a screaming head contest filled with volcanic “takes” or turning feature shows into a remake of the goddamn “Today” show complete with stand-up routines and ritual embarrassment
/takes deep breath
I found a post where some of the aforementioned sites NFL “Insiders” gave their predictions for the NFL playoffs all the way through the Superb Owl. Needless to say you would not be shocked at their choice for NFL Champions. It will also be no surprise that for the wild card round they had every single fucking home team and favorite winning.
You know, rock, chalk, Bristol-cock
It was after reading this that I said “Fuck that!” We have “Insiders” at DFO too and we don’t stash our takes and analysis behind a goddamn paywall either! What the fuck with the charging for content when there are about 17.5 million NFL related sites – including ours – that will give you this shit free?
With that in mind I collected the predictions of 9 of our super exclusive DFO NFL “Insiders” and I am here to present to you the predictions and gambling advice for the upcoming wild card weekend!
Fuck Off! We do it ourselves!
The team of “Insiders” has spoken!
Game 1: Tennessee at Kansas City. Saturday January 6 at 1:35 PST.
Line Kansas City -8. O/U 44 1/2.
Weather: Game time forecast of partly cloudy skies, high of 30 degrees with windy conditions.
Real life Analysis!
Don_T: “Tits – sneaky fierce D has been getting pressure on QBs lately; best punter in playoffs; prayers required for: SOME 3 WRs formations & Derrick Henry studying THE GODDAMN PLAYBOOK; Mariota in Assassin Mode.”
Wakezilla: “It’s going to be so cold, it’ll be painful for the tits to be out. Chiefs win, catch a cold and die next week. Chiefs win 21-18!”
My Take? I like Tennessee to keep it real close in cold and windy conditions. The Chefs will be without one of their “Hunts” and the Tits will rely on Henry instead of Murray. Tough watch and sloppy play but I have Tennessee winning 13-10.
“Insiders” consensus: 6 of us selected KC and 3 selected Tennessee.
Game 2. The ATL visits LA. Saturday 1-6-18 at 5:15 PST.
Line: LA -6. O/U 48 1/2
Weather: HA! It’s in fucking LA! 60 degrees and partly cloudy skies at kickoff. Chance of East Coast envy? 100%
Real life analysis:
Senor Weaselo: “Dirty Birds/RAMMIT: Yeah, I’ll take RAMMIT.”
Wakezilla: “Gurley is going to get full penetration up Hotlanta’s A gap. Call Jared Goff BP oil because the birds are going to be too dirty to survive beyond Sunday. 31-21 Rammit.”
My take? I like Atlanta’s recent playoff experience to help them overcome a talented yet raw LA team. While Atlanta’s run defense is questionable and the opportunities will be there for Gurley, I see Atlanta’s passing game having a big day. This will be a fun watch and with the over/under at just 48 1/2 you might want to consider taking the over. Use restraint Hippo!
“Insiders” consensus? 5 favor LA and 4 favor ATL, easily the closest consensus.
Game 3: Buffalo at Jacksonville. No, I did not make that up. Sunday January 7 at 10:05 AM.
Line: J-Ville -8 with the O/U at 39 1/2.
Weather: Highs in the upper 50’s, dry conditions and light wind.
Real Life analysis!
Don_T: “Jags – Bills w/o Shady; 27-6 final score.”
Wakezilla: “A poor performance by Blake Bortles barely beats Bills while Tyrod Taylor takes tons of tackles. Sacksonville wins 15-12 and signs a contract in Cleveland in the offseason.”
Senor Weaselo: “Jaguras/Bills: Jags defense takes them through. Also lack of snow.”
My take: I was the lone dissenter by choosing Buffalo with the upset. Did you see those Bills fans celebration videos? That shit was awesome and I’m not even close to being a fan. I think it’s going to be karma and The Bills get the win. At the end of the game the expression “Fucked up” will be replaced by “Bortled up” and the Bills win a squeaker. By the way did you notice the “Insiders” finals scores above? Yeah, take the goddamn under on this one.
“Insiders” consensus: 8 favor J-Ville with my lone vote predicting Buffalo. C’mon man! Give them just the one win!
Game 4: Carolina at New Orleans, Sunday January 7th at 1:40 PM.
Line: Saints -7. Over/Under 48 1/2.
Weather: It’s in a fucking dome. Chance of drunkenness 125%
Real life Analysis!
Don_T: “NOLA – blowout.”
Senor Weaselo: “Panthers/WHO DAT: Saints in the Dome? Saints in the Dome.”
BrettFavresColonoscopy: “Cam makes the Panthers the only road team to win this weekend.”
Wakezilla: “My boy Biggie is still on the Saints, so, I’ll say Kamara cums on Cam and the Saints win 13-10.”
My Take: Yes, it’s been mentioned a few thousand times but the Saints have already beaten Carolina handily TWICE this season. After shitting themselves outdoors on the road last week against Tampa the Saints will take advantage of playing at home. Don’t be fooled though, Carolina is a division rival and these two teams really dislike each other. Trust me. Brother DJ Taj is a Saints fan and I’ve seen EVERY Saints game for the past 12 years. These two teams always battle. This one is going to be another high scoring affair with the Saints pulling out the win by a score of 38-30. See that over/under of 48 1/2? Seize that fucker by the sack and make it your fucking own!
“Insiders” consensus? Seven “Insiders” chose New Orleans while just 2 have Carolina.
So there you have it! You are all now completely prepared to drop your wicked NFL knowledge on your fellow viewers. Dazzle them with your prognostication skills. Your bookie will be shaking his head in dismay as you walk away counting a fat stack of freshly earned green.
The “Insiders” have spoken!