Instant Hippo Thoughts – Wild Card B-tches! (2017 Season)

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Charlie Kelly would have loved the Erotic Smashmouthing we saw Saturday evening.  Sorry for no bonus Sunday thoughts, blame demon alcohol and that RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! loss.  UGH.

They will be back, and better than ever.  Your smug victory is fleeting, Balls.

On to Sunday.  Good Lord, did #EvenWeekJaguras ever show up.  Unfortunately, that bodes well for the P*ts (much like the sun rising in the east).  But their foe was the Bills, and they also…had issues.  Particularly on offense.  Particularly with the Jaguras trying to murderkill their QB, eager to see the return of one J Peterman.  They got it on the very last drive, after a most malicious late hit/wrestling heel move, that drew nary a stink eye from the officiating crew (storyline of the weekend).  He managed a stumbling 4th and 2 conversion, then one small completion before the inevitable 6th interception of his nascent career – just over 30 minutes of shittastic play.  Jags 10, Bills 3.  Let us speak no more of it.

The late game was much better, though it also seemed to involve a QB concussion (that the Panthers’ staff shockingly chose to ignore).  At least this one came from a fair hit, not rancid headhunting.  N’Awlins pretty much led by two scores the entire way until Q4, despite Carolina shutting the run game down cold.  Turns out Breesus Christ still has a few miracles up His holy sleeve.  Ted Ginn even did a good!  But Sean Payton wackily went for 4th and 2 at midfield (after uber-conservatively and ineffectively running into the pile on 2nd and 3rd down) with 2:00 to play, failing, and giving Cam one more chance.  Newton and his Whitman’s sampler of practice squadders and white dudes made it to the 21, but fizzled after a close/controversial intentional grounding call.  He was very close to outside the pocket, though in real time I thought the call justified.  Then, making matters worse (for the Shield) they fucking plum forgot the 10-second runoff until Payton ran on the field frothing at the mouth to remind the refs of the basic rules of Greater Footy.  One long toss to the end zone and a nicely timed blitz/sack later (former being fairly close to a winner winner, chicken dinner – thanks to uncalled OPI) and you have your final – Saints 31, Panthers 26.  Fair reflection of the game on the field, but again marred by poop officiating.

It would certainly help, at minimum, to stop fucking mixing crews for playoff time.  Crews that work together know where to expect each other on the field.  DUH.  But that’s a micro issue, downstream of the macro need for having a commissioner who’s not a national disgrace.

As for your Divisional Round – Saturday is birds in the afternoon (I like home dog Iggles, because spite), Tits/P*ts at night (don’t make me say it).  Then, Sunday will bring you the #OddWeekJaguras flattening the Stillers (again) and making wise Commentists much money, followed by the clash of the titans we all want to see, Saints at Vikes.  Let’s hope for no more fuckery.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]

Leave a Reply

Notify of
litre_cola
Member

Are you ready to get all your Foles filled??

Redshirt
Member

I want to see Boobs and Last Stop to Miami get past Evil Empire and Slightly Less Evil Empire.

I also want to see Trump tarred and feathered in the National Mall, but I think I better learn to live with disappointment.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Ooh, throwback!

blaxabbath
Member

So the test says Baby Blax is gonna be a Boy.

Due date says he should be ready to start for the Browns on Week 1.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Woohoo! Congrats!

Senor Weaselo
Member

On the baby, not the baby starting for the Browns.

monty this seems strange to me
Member

Unless Blax has learned nothing from Jack Elway and Archie Manning, he has already negotiated a plan to keep baby from playing for the Browns.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

BLAX: Stop calling me that!

TECHNICIAN: Um, when I said “tiny penis” I was actually talking about the ultrasound image…

/but seriously, congratulations.

litre_cola
Member

Congrats buddy!

Wakezilla
Member

Christ, that was a bad weekend for the NFL.

One game had 16 punts. Another had reffing so bad, the ref was fired. Another had a Qb take a headshot and he couldn’t get off the field without only falling down and none of the games know what is a catch.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Wow. And it’s not even CLOSE to a record: http://www.nfl.com/superbowl/records/playoffs/team/punting

monty this seems strange to me
Member

That link is so weird. There’s nothing in the URL that indicates that it’s time-bound, but it’s got the logo for Super Bowl 50 with Donks and Panthers, and Countdown to Kickoff on Feb 7, 2016, AND it says records updated through 2013 season, because it takes at least two years for databases to be updated with new stats.

What I’m saying is it’s clearly been hacked by the Russians.

Wakezilla
Member

The biggest problem with the NFL concussion protocol is the players. At least in both of yesterday’s games, the defenses were head hunting in the 4th quarter. It’s hard to enforce a concussion protocol when it gives the defense an incentive to headhunt.

They may have to enforce automatic ejections for targeting.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Except for Tom Brady. Then, the player gets a bonus funded and paid by DFO.

nomonkeyfun
Member

I already paid Covalent Blonde $120 for my share of DFO stock. I didn’t think things would go to well for me if I refused, she looked awfully punchy, mumbling something about Dave.

monty this seems strange to me
Member

By rule, if there’s any injury delay the injured player has to sit out at least one play, so I’d like to see every personal foul result in at least one play out for the offender too. And yeah, targeting becomes automatic ejection.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

Saints at Vikes next weekend? Ohh, it’s going to be an extra special profanity stricken week in the Right homestead.

yeah right
Member

I’m torn between making jambalaya or Juicy Lucy’s.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Juicy Lucy’s and hot dish to attack Taj’s arteries.

yeah right
Member

Final decision.

Definitely hotdish.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Both

yeah right
Member

I could put the jambalaya on top of the Juicy Lucy and Call it a “Juicy Jamba-Lucy.”

This is how new food trends get started.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I’ve been meaning to make a ringtone out of Paul Allen’s call of that Favre play, maybe this will be the impetus I need.

yeah right
Member

It was truly a spectacular display of the NFL Situational Concussion Awareness program.

If it’s a close playoff game and one of the team’s star quarterbacks gets annihilated then can’t even MAKE IT OFF THE FIELD WITHOUT FALLING DOWN, then it’s OK to send that player right back in to the game.

Nice big stage you had to show off your hypocrisy NFL.

Well played.

Don T
Member

Yep. You’re completely right. I wonder how many pre-signed Liability Waivers are inside those sideline tents.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

The teams can do it all digitally on their MicroSoft Surface tablets, of course!

Don T
Member

Oddsshark has TEN @ NE (-13.5), and I heard this AM an “expert” say that Tim Tebow’s playoff arc is the template for Mariota’s.
All’s I know is:
1. nobody can defend Gronk, but pressure can rattle Brady
2. Tits D brings pressure and seldom allows TDs after turnovers
3. Saturday will be Mariota’s third week in Assassin Mode
4. the Tits OL performed like the 2016 version last Saturday
5. Derrick Henry can run over anybody

13.5 looks high #JustSayin

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I am trying to reverse-jinx the Titans by claiming Marcus Mariota for Super Bowl Pickkakke.

bk109
Member
bk109

6. The thoughts and prayers of 30 other fanbases would be with them?
6.5. Plus the idea of seeing the Jaguars and Tits play in the AFCCG would cause so many fatal aneurysms 😀

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

They would have to reschedule the game for Thursday night.

bk109
Member
bk109

And move it to London

Don T
Member

Fun Fact! 50% of the AFC playoff field is made up by half of the AFC South—the half that won’t have Andrew Luck and Deshaun Watson as QBs in 2018.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

#CHEER4TITS

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

The important thing is we never have to see Jeff Triplette or hear his stupid voice ever again.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Are we not talking about the Saturday games? Because I would jabber on about the Chiefs blowing a 21-3 halftime lead, but all I’m really thinking is “wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful, and yet again, wonderful.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“I’M YOUNG AGAIN!” – Tom Brady after taking his latest round of “vitamin supplements”

bk109
Member
bk109

Mate, there’s a reason why the TB12 method(yes, I died a little when I wrote that) works – if you had to subsist on that shit 24/7/365, you’d summon whatever strength you’ve got to make someone as miserable as you. That and the secret cloning project Belichik’s running in his spare time that provides spare parts as needed… or in the case of Gronk – full replacement when he licks the third rail again…

blaxabbath
Member

Ummm….I don’t believe the verb that describes “Jamming your dick inside of something” is licks.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

SEAN MCDONOUGH: What’s that clanging noise?

MARCUS MARIOTA: It’s a nuisance, it’s my damned testicles.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

SEAN MCDONOUGH: [is distracted by a guy outside handing out free Stridex pads]

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“Big S, small A, small N, big D, small E, big E and a star.”

– Travis Kelce, attempting to spell his own name for the Unaffiliated Neurotrauma Consultant

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I love that movie. Perfectly LA.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

UNC: We’ll let you back in the game when you unscramble “TARVIS KECLE”.

KELCE: [would be stuck on the sideline even in normal circumstances]

Don T
Member

Tits gotta name Dick LeBeau as Defensive Coordinator for Life. I’d even argue for a Lenin-like mausoleum for LeBeau, though a pyramid seems the better choice. A pyramid that should also house Jeff Tripplette for the games in the great beyond.

monty this seems strange to me
Member

You’re saying we put Tripplette in the mausoleum now, right? We’re not waiting for him to die.

monty this seems strange to me
Member

BTW, completely OT here but the Catholic Church still has the “wives be subordinate to your husbands” line from St. Paul in their rotation of scripture readings. In 2018. Way to progress beyond the first century, church.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

We got the epiphany readings yesterday. My priest, during the homily when that reading came up, actually criticized that and said it was from another time. He turned it around and updated the concept to today’s world. Then again, I do live in California. We’re probably more progressive than the average church.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

The problem with RAMMIT, besides the youth and inexperience, is that their WRs need to improve. It is too easy for teams to key off Gurley and make Goff beat them. The smart teams, including Atlanta, did that this year.

They will be back and they will be better, but their personnel needs to improve in order to make the leap.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I do not like that Steelers-Jags line at all. If you can get Jags plus 7 1/2, you should jump on it.

blaxabbath
Member

I’m fine with just getting rid of replay except for scoring plays and turnovers (plus Pete Carroll’s two challenges in the first drive of each half). The product is no better for having it and all the bitching I used to hear about getting calls wrong is now just about how inconsistent the calls are, how the video replay guy misses calls, and that reviews kill the small sense of pace of play that the nfl actually used to have.

The nfl product is substandard; shorten the games.

monty this seems strange to me
Member

“I’m fine with just getting rid of… the NFL.”
-Blax

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“I’m fine with just getting rid of…Blax”. – monty this seems strange to me

– evidence turned over to the Feds by DFO after Blaxxabath goes missing just two days after his fiancé takes out a huge life insurance policy on him.

LemonJello
Member
LemonJello

“I’m fine with just getting rid of…Blax”

-audio excerpt of J. Richardson, discussing the Panther’s receivers

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

A very strong case could be made for shortening the college games down to 12 minute quarters. Reduces opportunities for head trauma by 20% and those games take forever anyway.

blaxabbath
Member

“Yeah! That’s 20% more time for Oklahoma Drills!”

Matt Rhule

monty this seems strange to me
Member

“That math doesn’t work out.”
– T. Green

Don T
Member

Two minutes to review; overrule based on irrefutable evidence. Otherwise, call stands. ‘Cause, really: it ain’t “irrefutable” if it takes more than 60 seconds of a frame by frame review that belies the naked eye (plus 60 seconds more of “survive the ground / home crowd” skullduggery).

monty this seems strange to me
Member

I think calls on the field are worse when the refs know there’s replay though. Eh, just call something, if we’re wrong they’ll overturn it.

I have literally zero data-driven evidence to support this claim, by the way.