That’s My Raiders! is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY
The Oakland Raiders’ placekicker GIORGIO TAVECCHIO paces back and for in the room, drumming his fingers excitedly. His roommate, SUNSHINE COWSER, leans against the wall with his arms crossed, watching him with an expression of mild amusement.
GIORGIO: [pacing around the living room] Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy…do you think everybody is gonna show up?
SUNSHINE: [shrugs] Maybe.
GIORGIO: Even if only a few people turn up, it’s still gonna be fun, right?
SUNSHINE: [shrugs] Sure, I guess. Are you nervous?
GIORGIO: What? No, I’m-ah fine-ah.
SUNSHINE: You’re nervous.
GIORGIO: How can-ah you tell?
SUNSHINE: Your accent always comes back when you’re nervous.
The doorbell rings, and GIORGIO TAVECCHIO yanks it open.
MICHAEL CRABTREE and AMARI COOPER: Wazzup!
GIORGIO: Did you bring it?
MICHAEL CRABTREE: Of course we brought it, man!
MICHAEL CRABTREE hands GIORGIO TAVECCHIO a cardboard box.
— [box flies open] —
GIORGIO: It’s perfect! [steps over and knocks gently on one of the bedroom doors] Derek, are you dressed yet?
DEREK CARR: [through closed door] GO AWAY!
SUNSHINE: He’s still sulking.
Through the closed front curtain we see a bulky figure approach the front door.
GIORGIO: Oh no, he’s too early, it’ll spoil the surprise…
— [front door flies open] —
DONALD PENN: [bursts into the room frantically] You guys gotta help me!
GIORGIO: Oh, man, what now?
PENN: My side piece found out about my other side piece!
CRABTREE: Frangelina? The P.F. Chang’s waitress?
PENN: No, Jade. The hairdresser.
SUNSHINE: Wait, I thought you said Jade was polyamorous.
PENN: She is!
SUNSHINE: So what’s the problem?
CRABTREE: Wait, slow down. Which girlfriend found out about which other girlfriend?
PENN: That’s what I’m trying to tell you! Nyesha found out about Jade!
CRABTREE: Wait, Nyesha is…
PENN: The corrections officer!
SUNSHINE: Oh, man…
CRABTREE: Looks like someone is about to get his butt corrected…
GIORGIO: We don’t have-ah time for this, we gotta get set up for the party…
Suddenly, there’s a loud knocking on the door.
KHALIL MACK: [through the door] Hello? Anybody home?
GIORGIO: Holy cannolis, he’s here! We’re not ready! Okay, Amari, you take-ah this and put it in-ah the kitchen [hands him the cake]. Donald, you…
AMARI: [drops cake] Uh oh.
GIORGIO: Mamma mia! Okay, we can-ah fix this. Donald, you keep-ah Khalil out front until…
KHALIL MACK: [somehow has entered the room and is four inches away from GIORGIO TAVECCHIO’s face] Hi!!!
GIORGIO: Um…hi Khalil.
KHALIL MACK: What’s happening?
— [parlor door flies open] —
The studio audience hoots and hollers.
AMY TRASK: [surveys the chaotic scene, puts hands on hips, smiles] That’s my Raiders!
The hoots and hollers grow even more intense before tapering off.
KHALIL MACK: Maybe you can tell me what’s going on here, Aunt Amy.
AUNT AMY: Looks like the boys here though they’d throw you a little party, Khalil. Doesn’t look like it’s going quite as planned.
GIORGIO: We’re sorry, Aunt Amy. We promise we’ll clean it up!
AUNT AMY: That’s fine, Giorgio, I know you boys meant well. I’m here to talk to you about something a little more serious. [A pause as the players all turn to her] You’re going to have a new coach next season.
SUNSHINE: A new coach? But what about Surfin’ Jack?
AUNT AMY: Surfin’ Jack…is gonna have a little more time to do all that surfin’ he talked about.
PENN: Well who’s our new coach gonna be?
AUNT AMY: His name is Coach Gruden. He’s an old friend of the franchise.
CRABTREE: We don’t want a new coach! We like Surfin’ Jack!
AUNT AMY: Now Michael, you’re gonna have to give this new coach a chance. He’s just here to help.
SUNSHINE: But…why didn’t anyone tell us?
GIORGIO: And why didn’t anyone ask us if we wanted a new coach?
AUNT AMY: Sorry, boys, that’s now how this works.
CRABTREE: But what about interviewing a minority candidate?
AUNT AMY: Oh, we’ve got that covered. To satisfy the Rooney Rule requirements, I’ll be interviewing Mr. Wayne Rooney himself.
AMY TRASK reaches into the parlor and pulls a man through the doorway.
WAYNE BRADY: Wait, what’s going on here?
SUNSHINE: That’s not Wayne Rooney.
AUNT AMY: [frowns] Hmm. Does he meet the criteria?
CRABTREE: I guess, but…
AUNT AMY: Great. How long does this interview have to last, anyhow?
PENN: Half an hour.
AUNT AMY: [checks watch, looks WAYNE BRADY up and down like a piece of meat] You can do a full hour, right?
WAYNE BRADY: I’m confused, I…
AUNT AMY: Yeah, you’re good for an hour. [grabs him by the arm] Step into my office, young man. Let’s talk…football.
Audience hoots some more as we fade to commercial.