Normally, you’d get TWBS back this week for your Sexy Friday goodness. HOWEVAH, I begged and pleaded with him to let me do this one more time
as I had an idea in mind. He reluctantly said ok. This may or may not have been influenced by the fact that I got him several lap dances at a strip-tease establishment through my mad genius and subsequent exploitation of a certain Hippo’s misplaced love for Kroenke’s team.
Before we move on, seriously, was there ever anything finer than Britney Spears in her prime? I still drool watching this video:
But I digress.
This week, you will get no listings of other sports as they do not matter and, quite frankly, I’m a little lazy.
You will, however, get a full helping of a SF that aims to honor and praise one of Earth’s greatest heroes. I speak, of course, of this man:
And, more specifically, the best Futurama episode ever, Amazon Women In The Mood.
That episode is so good that I’ll recap it here and add some appropriate SF goodness.
Everyone got the concept? Ok, let’s roll.
The episode starts off in the conference room with Hermes
complaining about Nibbler coughing up hairballs. This leads into the realization that Zoidberg is not moving. Everyone assumes Zoidberg to be dead when the DOOR FLIES OPEN and Zoidberg emerges newly pink
It turns out that Zoidberg molted, why not, and the fresh air feels good! As the crew starts to get repulsed by Zoidberg’s body, Amy’s phone rings and she rushes to answer.
It’s Kif, who, unfortunately, has the courage to call her, but not speak with her and promptly hangs up. Amy complains about these prank calls she’s been getting and Leela tries to empathize.
On the Nimbus, Zapp is looking for a bathroom attendant when he walks into Kif’s quarters and listens to Kif’s story of how he met Amy and how he does not have the courage to speak with her. Seeing Leela in a picture with Amy
gives Zapp the brilliant idea to propose a double date. He then gets Leela on the phone to “negotiate”. This is some brilliant dialogue:
ZAPP I’m calling to negotiate a double date. You and me, Kif and Amy.
LEELA Forget it.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. She turns away from the screen.]
ZAPP Then let the negotiations begin. I propose we go out on 10 dates.
LEELA How about zero?
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.] ZAPP Seven.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.] LEELA Zero.
[Amy leans down at Leela’s side.] AMY (whispering) Please, Leela? Kif’s like the sweetest guy who’s ever liked me.
ZAPP Five, and that’s my final offer … four
[Leela sighs.] LEELA One.
LEELA One half.
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.] ZAPP I’ll take it.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.] ZAPP We’ll meet you tonight for part of dinner and the first half of a movie.
The guys meet the girls at the Palm D’Orbit, a super expensive revolving restaurant. Since Kif doesn’t go on many dates, he doesn’t know what to say, so Zapp gives him his personal book of pickup lines.
The wordplay continues as they sit at the table where the girls are.
It turns out it’s karaoke night at the Palm D’Orbit and we see Morbo finishing his rendition of Funkytown. The food arrives and Amy notes that Kif had been quiet all night. In an effort to impress her, Kid pulls out Zapp’s book and reads a line:
Amy, (reading) if I said you had a beautiful body would you take your pants off and dance around a little?
It doesn’t go well, so he tries another one:
(reading) I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies
This sends the girls to the restroom, mad and ready to storm off. Zapp figures they can still salvage the date as “There’s only one sure-fire way back into a woman’s heart and parts beyond. I speak of course, of kareoke.”
As the girls return, Kif is singing Total Eclipse of the Heart and Amy’s heart melts. Then Zapp rudely pushes him off and proceeds to shows everyone why he’s called The Velour Fog by singing Lola but changing it to Leela.
This empties out the restaurant as everyone hates his singing until only the four are left. Leela wants to go home and wants to call a space taxi,
but Zapp believes he can fly the restaurant back home. Which produces one of the greatest lines ever:
Inevitably, Zapp crashes the restaurant into a planet in an uncharted region of space. Uncharted, of course, because Zapp lost the charts.
Meanwhile, back at Planet Express, Fry, Bender, and Hermes are watching TV when Zoidberg walks in trying to figure out what his new shell will be. It is here that we find out that Bender is actually Mexican.
Then Fry gets curious as to why Leela and Amy haven’t returned from their double dates, calls the restaurant, and finds out it has crashed. So, he convinces Bender to go with him to rescue the girls.
The episode really steps into high gear here as we discover that the daters crashed onto a planet populated only by females. While Kif, Amy, and Leela try to hide from the Amazonians, Zapp tries to pick them up.
They are not amused and lead them back towards their city. Meanwhile, Fry and Bender are “flying” the ship as best they can and manage to “land” it on the planet close to the crashed restaurant.
They head towards the city and are quickly discovered as their hiding place was actually an Amazonian’s skirt.
As Bender says, “Wow”.
They join the others and the men are put in chains while the women are freed. They all head to the Amazonian city as the Amazonians tell Amy and Leela about their society. The guys mock them every chance they get.
LEELA Where are all the men in your society?
ORNIK Men die out many year ago.
BENDER With all these women around they were probably nagged to death. Are you with me, fellas?
THOG Here stadium, where our women basketball teams play.
KUG We no can dunk, but good fundamentals.
ORNIK That more fun to watch.
THOG This our comedy club. Humour here funny in different way.
ORNIK It not reinforce stereotypes.
KUG Comedy come from character, real situations. Not abstract craziness.
BENDER Translation: Boring!
Finally, they reach the leader’s temple.
Not shown in the episode is where the steam came from…
As they enter the temple, the leader of the planet is revealed to be a female computer, Femputer, which appeared mysteriously after the men died out and was elected as leader because she was NOT a beltway insider.
Although a gift of bath beads and scented soaps pleases Femputer,
she demands to know why there are men on her planet. She is not satisfied with the response that it was an accident and retires to decide their fate.
While Femputer is deliberating, the Amazonians secure the prisoners with straps. Zapp does not mind.
ZAPP Yes! A little tighter. Tighter. Perhaps a hard spanking is in order?
I think we can do better…
There it is!
Seeing the men’s stupidity, the Amazonians ask if men are any good for anything. Amy whispers one thing:
They call it snu snu. Zapp immediately volunteers but the Amazonians want to hear nothing from him and point out what happened to the last men to visit Amazonia:
Which does not deter Zapp and Fry. Then, Femputer returns with her verdict:
which both scares and excites the guys.
Leela tries to reason with Femputer but the Amazonians point out that the guys made fun of their basketball. Femputer asks if the Amazonians mentioned how the fundamentals make up for the inability to dunk and when told yes denies Leela’s request for mercy.
At this point, Bender casually drops the fact that he is a man bot, not a man. Femputer spares him and he is untied but then orders the guys to be taken to the snu snu chambers. As they say their goodbyes, Femputer announces how things will go:
The Amazonians will be divided into three groups:
The one called Zapp will be snu snu’d by the Large Women.
He that is designated as Fry will be snu snu’d by the Petite Women.
And Kif, as the most attractive male, will be snu snu’d by the Most Beautiful Women of Amazonia.
Then the Large Women.
Then the Petite Women.
Then the Large Women again.
As the women start to line up, Leela pleads with Bender to do something to help the guys. He, reluctantly, agrees and heads towards the Femputer’s temple. It’s relatively easy for him to get past the guards as they are not having a good day.
He sneaks in, confronts Femputer, and then realizes she is actually a fem bot. Given that, it’s much easier for him to persuade her…
Meanwhile, Leela decides to take things into get own hands by fighting the Amazonians. And fails. Then Amy tries to use a disguise to get Kif, who is trying to get away from the Amazonian in his hut.
She IS successful and manages to catch Kif in her arms and runs towards the temple.
They get inside when they hear Bender and Femputer’s love sounds. Everyone is confused. Femputer tells them all to go away. Bender tells them to get lost and bring gold. Femputer reinforces it by telling them, “You heard the man!”
The episode winds down back at Planet Express as Zoidberg is happy with the new shell which was the old shell, Bender declares it the best mission ever on account of all the gold (he’s not here if the fembot calls), and Amy agrees as she’s found love with Kif.
Zapp and Fry are in agreement too.
And the moral to the story:
MEXICAN LOVEMAKING SAVES THE DAY!