Balls and tWBS: At The Movies V

theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

An unapologetic, even if often manic-depressive (it’s a requirement given his choices of sports teams), fan of NC State University, the Baltimore Ravens and the Baltimore Orioles.When not parked in front of the computer and/or TV, can often be found on the golf course shouting obscenities to no one in particular.
theeWeeBabySeamus

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tWBS:  So here we are again.  It’s gonna be tough to top last time, ya know.

Balls:  Shut the fuck up, Donny!!!

tWBS:  You really like saying that, huh?

Balls:  Hehehehe….yes.

tWBS:  OK, so what should we do this time?

Balls:  Duh….

tWBS:  Shit.

Balls:  What?

tWBS:  It’s just been a while since I’ve seen that one.  And I can’t find it On Demand.  So I’ve got to order the DVD I guess.

Balls:  So order it already and SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY!!!!

tWBS:  *sigh*  Stop that.  But I’m Marcus and you’re Simon.

Balls:  *sigh*  Stop THAT .  We’re not doing that this time.

tWBS:  Whatever you say, Simon.  Try not to set the place on fire, though.

***

Part I – Ronna

tWBS:  Did I ever tell you that Sarah Polley is one of my….

Balls:  Yes.

tWBS:  …and that she was the female lead in…

Balls:  Yes.  Just hit play on the damn DVD and let’s do this already.

tWBS:  Fiiiiiiiiiine.  (pushes play) …  Wow, kinda freaky opening credits.  I feel like I need to be high for this.

Balls:  You mean you’re not?

tWBS:  Shhhhh….be cool man.

Balls:  So we immediately are introduced to Ronna.  She’s working a minimum wage job at an LA grocery store.  Also, she’s about to get evicted and needs money.  Enter Simon.

tWBS:  Ah ah ah….not yet for Simon.  But yes, Simon offers to pay her cash up front to take his shift so he can go to Vegas with his best mates.  But we’ll get to that.

Balls:  Right.  So anyway, Ronna takes the shift for the extra dough and soon enough Adam and Zack come thru her checkout line looking for Simon and…

tWBS:  Ah ah ah….still not yet.

Balls:  Shut up, we kinda have to.  But we’ll save the necessary details for later.  Turns out Simon is a low level drug dealer.  Anyway, Adam and Zack are looking for Simon to hook them up for some X for a rave they’re going to later.

tWBS:  Right.  So Ronna sees a chance to make some extra side dough and hopefully not get evicted.  So she decides to ask Todd for a favor…

Balls:  Todd being the slightly higher level drug dealer.  Not the most trusting guy on the planet, but I guess it goes with the territory.  And since Ronna doesn’t have all the cash up front, he wants collateral to make sure Ronna shows back up with the dough.

tWBS:  Hey, I wonder if Tom Cruise has ever watched this movie?

Balls:  What does that even mean?  Oh wait, right.

tWBS:  So Claire reluctantly agrees to get left behind.

Balls:  In the meantime, Ronna shows up to sell the X to Adam and Zack…and some other guy.

tWBS:  But not until after Manny has swiped two of the X tablets and taken them both.  Holy shit, what an idiot.

Balls:  Really.  But when Ronna gets there, she very quickly realizes she’s bitten off more than she bargained for, and that Adam and Zack are apparently setting her up.  So she excuses herself to the bathroom and flushes the X.

tWBS:  Yikes.  No money for Todd and no product to give back.  Poor Claire.  But at least we did get a classic movie reference…

Balls:  Poor Manny.  I love the part where the cat is telling him she can hear his thoughts.

tWBS:  Agreed, I was cracking the hell up at that.  But “poor Manny”?  He’s the only one having a good night at this point.  Sort of….

Balls:  True.  Sort of.  Anyway, Ronna has tried to pull a fast one on Todd.  What she’s done is replace the real X (which she flushed) with over the counter meds and hoped he wouldn’t realize it, so they could get Claire back.

tWBS:  Do they really even want her back?  If all she’s gonna do is be a whiny….

Balls:  Easy now.  But yes, they get her back.  So what else is there to do now but go to the rave?

tWBS:  And sell the rest of the over the counter meds to unsuspecting white boys.

Balls:  Well of course, that’s just good sense.

tWBS:  Indeed.

Balls:  But Todd’s a little quicker on the uptake than Ronna bargained for.  Oh, and he knows where she’s going.

tWBS:  Oooops.  Oh and now Manny is totally fucked up because he took two hits of the real X and not just one.

Balls:  Right.  So now Ronna has to stash him out back until she can get away from Todd.  Then this happens….

tWBS:  Ouch.

Balls:  Big time ouch.  Fucking Miatas, man.

***

Part II – Simon

tWBS:  Ruh Roh.  Simon’s British ass is now locked in the trunk of a car.  I guess Todd caught up to him and decided he wasn’t too pleased about the Ronna situation, huh?

Balls:  Nope, just a bunch of asshole friends who thought they were funny when Simon passed out on the way to Vegas.

tWBS:  I could totally see you doing that to me.  Remind me never to pass out with you around.  But Vegas….woooooo!!!!!

Balls:  Just don’t eat the shrimp.

tWBS:  Hey look.  Simon has Todd’s credit card.  I guess Todd is more trusting than we thought.  I’m sure this won’t end badly for anyone.

Balls:  And look again.  Simon is now on the phone.  What was that he just said?  Crazy Horse?

tWBS:  Hey, didn’t Todd say something about Crazy Horse while he was on the phone while holding Claire hostage?

Balls:  *sigh*  Yes.  This is going on simultaneously to the Ronna fiasco.

tWBS:  Oh cool!!!!

Balls (under his breath):  Dumb redneck.

tWBS:  Sorry, what?

Balls:  Nothing!!!

tWBS:  Hey, looks like you were right about the shrimp.  Which is fine because if I had to watch Brecklin Meyer much longer I would have punched my TV.  But you can see now why I’m Marcus, right.  Dude is cool as fuck.

Balls:  I told you already, we’re not…

tWBS:  And why you’re Simon.  First he scores two chicks.  Then manages to screw it up AND  set fire to the hotel.  Then drags Marcus to a strip club.  Then manages to even fuck that up.  While also shooting a guy AND  leaving Todd’s credit card behind.

Balls:  Sounds more like King Hippo to me.

tWBS:

Balls:

 

tWBS (still giggling):  *ahem*  But they need to get the hell outta Dodge at this point, so the chase is on….

Balls:  Wow, that was close.

tWBS:  Yep.  Nicely done, Simon.  You’re as good at driving as you are at fire prevention and gun safety.

Balls:  STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!!!!!!!

tWBS:  Bitch, look at your shirt.  This ain’t Hawaii!!!!!  Now get outta here….you’re bad luck.

Balls:  Still had sex with two girls at once though.

 

***

Part III – Adam & Zack

Balls:  Speaking of bad luck…we quickly find out that Adam & Zack, our would be Ronna setter uppers, were doing such in order to avoid prosecution on drug possession charges.

tWBS:  And the “other guy” with them that night…

Balls:  This night.  THIS  night.  I told you, all of this is happening at the same time.

tWBS:  Right, right.  This  night.  But as it turns out, the other guy is the cop running the sting operation.  If Adam and Zack bring Simon to him  — but now Ronna due to circumstances —   then they can get their charges dropped and the cop, Burke, can go after the next biggest fish up the food chain.

Balls:  Easy peasy.

tWBS:  Only as we already covered, Ronna figures it out before she incriminates herself, and gets her ass outta there.

Balls:  Well she did have a little help, remember?

tWBS:  Ah yes, Zack feels badly and gives her the warning.  But then when the sting doesn’t go as planned, Burke reveals his real reasons for spending time with the guys.

Balls:  Christmas dinner with his wife Irene.  Sort of.

tWBS:  Hey she’s…

Balls:  Please don’t.  And yes, I know…

tWBS:  It’s a different company.  A different quality of product.  I can’t tell you how many times my weed guy has said that.  Lying fucker.

Balls:  Oh shit, we forgot to tell them that Adam and Zack are actors.  They’re TV cops, and they play one another’s partner on TV.

tWBS:  In real life too!!!!  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Balls:  Yes.  They are closeted homosexual partners, as it turns out.  It’s better for their public image for their lovely lady fans to not know this.  But once they get out of Burke and Irene’s clutches, they decide to head to the aforementioned rave anyway.  Just for the fun of it.

tWBS:  And what are they driving?

Balls:  Fucking yellow Miata, man.

tWBS:  Yep, not much trunk space for sure.

Balls:  So when they get a pang of conscience and go back for Ronna….

tWBS:  I don’t think when someone has a potential spinal injury, you’re supposed to move them like that.  Or drop them.  But at least everything had a happy ending.  I really enjoyed this one…

Balls:  Whoa, whoa, whoa!!!

tWBS:  That’s my line.  And what???

Balls:  It’s not over, dumbass.  Claire finds her own way out of the rave and ends up at a diner the next morning.  And is feeling a little bit risqué.  And who does she run across?

tWBS:  Several people, actually.

Balls:  Indeed.  But for now I was referring to Todd.

tWBS:  You know that’s dubbed in Russian, right?

Balls:  I thought you’d like that being that you’re a-da new Pope and all worldly now and all.

tWBS:  Haha, I see what you did there.  But yes, now Claire wants to get laid.  Vegas dudes want Simon.  Oooops for bad timing.

Balls:  And forgotten credit cards.

tWBS:  Big time.  But we’ve really gotta start choosing flicks with better youtube presence.  There’s no clip for this final bit.

Balls:  That’s OK, I’ll tell it.  Simon shows back up at Todd’s.  Vegas guys are there waiting to kill him, presumably.  But Claire with her newfound courage intervenes and gets them to not kill him.  But they still have to have justice.  So, since Simon shot this guy in the arm…this guy now gets to shoot Simon in the arm.  Apparently while Claire, Todd and Creepy Vegas Guy#2 look on in varying degrees of disgust and/or amusement…

tWBS:  Only Creepy Vegas Guy #1 can’t do it.  He can’t pull the trigger.  That scene was hilarious.

Balls:  Ah, but as Claire leaves, we do hear the gun go off.

tWBS:  I’M OKAY!!!!

Balls: Yeah, that was hilarious.  And then next, we see Ronna wake up in the hospital.

tWBS:  And then right back at her shitty job, feeling much worse than the day before.  Yeesh.

Balls:  At this point, I doubt she cares.

tWBS:  OH SHIT WHAT ABOUT MANNY??????

Balls:  He’s still right where Ronna left him.  She and Claire go get him, and he looks much worse than Ronna.

tWBS:  Do you think she’ll get evicted?

Balls:  Nope, she even had $20 left over.

tWBS:  Soooo, what are we doing for New Year’s?

Balls:  Hehehehehe.  So what’d you think?

tWBS:

 

See you next time….

AT THE MOV……

Balls:  Wait!!!!!

tWBS:  WHAT?!?

Balls:  Now, it’s the end

Balls:  Get it?

tWBS: 

***

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus
An unapologetic, even if often manic-depressive (it's a requirement given his choices of sports teams), fan of NC State University, the Baltimore Ravens and the Baltimore Orioles. When not parked in front of the computer and/or TV, can often be found on the golf course shouting obscenities to no one in particular.
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yeah rightUnsurprisedtheeWeeBabySeamusSonOfSpamlitre_cola Recent comment authors
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SonOfSpam

I always get this movie confused with the one where Martha Plimpton gets crunk and misses her own party and Elvis Costello is there and whatnot.

In retrospect, the 90s were more fun onscreen than in real life.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Even on-screen, and maybe it’s because of why I was watching secondhand because I had no life or taste while my brother was cool, life in the 90s seems really fucking hard for a lot of characters for no good reason.

litre_cola

Jay Mohr is an ass and will always be a fuckwit.

blaxabbath

While empty coffee shop, dude with textbooks decides to sit at the same long table, directly across from me (there are two other identical empty tables available) and mumble to himself while flipping through the pages.

I’m being a nice guy in 2018 so I’ll assume he is just working on the cure for cancer — even though we all know he’s just “an artist”.

ballsofsteelandfury

The scene where Simon just says Fuck It and goes for the boobies is just classic.

Remember kids, YMMV, so pick the right stripper…

yeah right

I’ve had a couple of dancers grab my hands and place them on the boobs because I never just assume. Much easier than making the wrong guess and probably better for your long term health.