Latest posts by theeWeeBabySeamus (see all)
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Editor’s Note: here at DFO, many of us are not satisfied with the Super Bowl matchup. For some of us, this is because we hate both teams at a level that rivals Philip Rivers’ hatred for birth control. For others, our seething hatred of one team is more than enough to overwhelm our relative indifference for the other, leading to a Super Bowl we simply have no interest in watching. As such, we’ve been fantasizing about scenarios that might take place that would prevent the game from being played at all. These are our stories.
[Minneapolis, Minnesota, Sunday February 4th, Roughly 4:45pm]
Cris Collinsworth: Well Al, here we are in our fifth hour of pregame foar Superb Owl LII. The anticipation is becoming difficult to deny, huh?
Al Michaels: Fuck you, Cris. I can’t believe I agreed to this bullshit. But speaking of “fifth”, hand me that vodka, would ya?
Cris: I think you’ve had enough, Al. We’ve still got a game to call.
Al: Screw you you little shit. I WAS IN LAKE PLACID WHEN THE ’80 US OLYMPIC HOCKEY TEAM WAS PUNKING THE RUSSIANS!!! DON’T YOU TALK TO ME THAT WAY!!! WHERE WERE YOU???
Cris: Well, I was putting the finishing touches on an All-SEC career as a wide receiver in Gainesville, if you must know?
Al: Exactly. Shut the fuck up Gator, and gimme that vodka.
Cris: Oooookay…..Maybe it’s a good time to go down for an on the field report from Michele Tafoya?
Al: Fuck you.
Michele Tafoya: Thanks guys. The excitement down here on the field is palpable. Our six hours of pregame crap is almost over and…. Ah who am I kidding, this shit sucks. I just wanted to use this job as a springboard to MILF porn. That’s where the money is.
Cris: Ummmmm….Michele? You do know you’re live right now, right?
Michele: Fuck you, Cris. Hey Al, wanna see me deep throat this mic without gagging?
Al: Fuck yeah!!!!!!! (turns to Cris now) … Hey Gatorpussy, I’ll bet you a hundo she takes it like a champ.
Producer: Cut the feed!!!!!!!!!!!
[Meanwhile in the Philadelphia Locker room]
Fletcher Cox (trying to be heard over the music and partying): OK guys….hey guys….guys?
FCox: GODDAMMIT ERTZ CAN YOU PLEASE TURN THAT WHITE BOY SHIT DOWN SO WE CAN TALK???
Zach Ertz: Hey man, don’t look at me.
Jay Ajayi (sheepishly turning down boombox): Hehehehe…sorry mate.
FCox: Wow, you’re a poor excuse for a brother from South Beach, Jay.
JAjayi: I’m from the UK, mate. Don’t forget that. Go Arsenal!!!!
FCox: Oh Jeebus.
Jason Kelce: Hey guys, Travis just texted me and he says…
Everyone in the room: DON’T CAAAARE!!!!!!!!
JKelce: You guys are jerks.
FCox: OK guys can we please focus? Even though we were the number one seed in our conference, everybody on the planet thinks we’ve lucked into this and that we’re gon’ get killt today. But that’s OK. All we need to do is play our game and…
Carson Wentz: You guys are gonna get soooooo killed.
FCox: I know you’re disappointed to not be playing, Carson. But this is a team. We got to this game as a team. And were gonna win it….as a TEAM.
CWentz: Fuck you.
FCox: I get it man. But try to remember you’re one of the reasons we’re here. And try to support Nick. He’s been pretty good so far and…
FCox: *sigh* Like I was saying….he’s been pretty good so far. Good enough to get us to the big game. If we stick together as a team we can do this. Everyone has underestimated us so far. Nick, how you feeling there buddy?
FCox: Relax buddy. We’re all nervous at least a little bit…
JAjayi: I’m not mate. I’m just happy to not be playing for the LOLphins anymore. Adam Gase is a real idiot. (Turns up music)…
FCox: OK Jay, we get it. You were born in the UK. Now turn that shit off.
JAjayi (turning off music): grumble grumble.
FCox: Look Nick…we all know you were thrown in here with very little warning. But you’re doing great. Look where we are man?!?!? You got us here!!!!
CWentz: Yeah, suuuuure.
FCox: Carson, please, you’re not helping.
CWentz: Wasn’t trying to.
FCox: Whatever. It’s time for us to get geared up and get out there. We all have complete confidence in you, Nick. Toss me my helmet and let’s get on with this.
Nick Foles picks up Fletcher Cox’s helmet and tosses it. It flies about six feet wide of Fletcher Cox and smashes out the window of an interior office.
FCox: *sigh* That’s OK man. You’re getting those out of your system now. All you gotta do is believe. Now, let’s stay focused here guys and go out and win this!!!!
Just then, there’s a loud and foreboding pounding on the locker room door and…
[LOCKER ROOM DOOR FLIES OPEN]
FCox: Hey, what are you guys doing here????
[Minneapolis, Minnesota, Sunday February 4th, Roughly 10:15pm]
Cris: Wow, Al. I can’t believe what we just witnessed. A thorough dismantling of the defending champs. I’ve gotta tell you, I’m impressed. What do you think of what these underdog Eagles just accomplished? It’s as if Nick Foles became a completely different player tonight, don’t you think Al? Al? Al?!?!?
Al: Mmpht fllbbd amsstru bultidd shherrrmmdip.
Cris: That’s actually the smartest thing you’ve said all day, Al. Well done. Michele? What’s the mood like down on the field? And I just noticed that all of the Eagles’ players are still wearing their helmets even though the game’s been over for like 20 minutes. Any idea what that’s about?
Michele: Don’t know, don’t care. But here, watch this. Pee pee porn is golden these days…no pun intended…
Cris: Oh Jeebus. OK, why don’t we just go straight down to the podium for the postgame ceremonies.
PA Announcer: AND NOW, Now, now….TO PRESENT THE PETE ROZELLE TROPHY TO TONIGHT’S MVP WINNER, Ner, ner…NFL COMMISSIONER ROGER GOODELL, Dell, dell…
Roger Goodell: Come on up here, Nick. You played a heckuva game and we’re all proud of you. Tonight you’ll be able to drive home to Philadelphia in your new Hyundai Elantra!!! And would ya take off your helmet for goodness sake!?!?!?!
Nick Foles (climbing stairs to podium while taking off helmet AND Philly jersey): I don’t need your trophy. And I don’t have to drive anywhere. I’m already home.
Everyone: CASE KEENUM??????????
Case: That’s right, baby. We didn’t do any of this for awards or shitty little cars.
Case: Guys, it’s time.
Every “Philly” player now removes his helmet and Philly Jersey.
Case: Like I was saying, we didn’t do this for awards. You can keep your prizes. We did this for the best football fans on the planet. They wanted….no….they NEEDED this home Superb Owl memory. And we were determined to give it to them no matter what it took.
[Meanwhile in the Philadelphia Locker room]
[Meanwhile in the New England Locker room]
[Back out on the field again]
Belichick: Roger, goddammit!!! I’m your boy, remember??? You can’t let this stand. What are you gonna do about this? And how the hell is it snowing in a goddamned domed stadium?Goodell thinks for a moment, and then smiles.
Goodell: Shut up, Bill. You and that crybaby quarterback of yours have had your time in the sun. It’s over. Besides, you can’t BUY this kind of publicity!!!! I’ll allow it. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you your Superb Owl LII Champeens!!!!!!
Belichick: This isn’t over, Roger.
Goodell: Shut up, Bill. And suck it, Vince McMahon!!!!! Let’s see you top this shit!?!?!?!?! And Michele, meet me in the parking lot in fifteen.
Cris: Wow! I guess that’s that then. This has been one heckuva night. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES???? YES!!!!
Al(drunk and slurring): Heyyyy you sssshuck….thatshh mmy line you llllittle ssshhhit!!!