Latest posts by theeWeeBabySeamus (see all)
- Your “It’s Tuesday Which Means…At Least It’s not Monday????” Tuesday Evening Open Thread – August 14, 2018
- Your “The Pre-Season Zombie-Like Apathy Is Palpable” Sunday Evening Open Thread – August 12, 2018
- Your “Hey, It’s Saturday Night So Let’s At Least Act Like We Care” Saturday Evening Open Thread – August 4, 2018
[The Christopher Columbus Transcontinental Highway, aka The 10]
balls: So, we’re actually meeting the girls in Vegas?!?
tWBS: Yeah sorry. It was supposed to be a surprise and I wasn’t supposed to say anything, but I’m really excited to see Leticia. I’m surprised Vanessa didn’t spill her guts to you about it before now.
balls: Nope I had no clue. And you’re excited to see Leticia, huh?
tWBS: Shut up. And you never heard me say that. But yeah, after the big party in San Felipe she kinda pulled the disappearing act for awhile. It was weird. But not much I could do about it considering she’s in Mexico. Then out of the blue a coupla weeks ago she called. That’s at least part of the reason I booted Kia back to Charlotte. Well that, and she was really annoying. Poor Cam.
balls: Ooooooh. The plot thickens. Just like your weiner.
tWBS (laughing): Shut up. But yup, Leticia set the whole thing up. Vanessa has some time off now so they’re driving up from Sonora.
balls: Dude, you don’t know how much I’ve missed her. If it wasn’t for Skype and that vat of lube I bought on Amazon…
tWBS: One: Did not need to know that. Two: Aren’t you worried that Russians and going to hack your computer and try to blackmail Vanessa?
The two look at each other and start cracking up.
balls: Wooo, that was a good one. Russians! Ha ha! Nah. She’s great. She’ll just let them publish it. In Mexico that would probably get her a TV show!
tWBS: Here too. Look at the Kardashians.
balls: Yeah, but she’s not a whore and my dick is more aesthetically pleasing. I would not be opposed to making a mold of my penis and selling “The Balls Dildo”.
tWBS: Seriously, that’s the best you can come up with?
balls: Well, the balls are attached… Shut up, it’s a working title.
[Cozy BnB in northern Vermont]
Manuel: Honey, did you pack the lavender sheets?
Luis: Yes, sweetums, I packed them.
Manuel: You know how those rough hotel sheets damage my delicate skin!
Luis: Yes, darling. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to that delicious tushy!
Manuel: Oh you! Listen, lover, where are we going? You were quite mysterious last night..
Luis: Leticia let it slip that she is driving up to Las Vegas.
Manuel: CAN WE SEE THE LIBERACE MUSEUM?!?!
Luis: Is the Pope Argentinian?
Manuel: He certainly doesn’t act like it, does he?
Luis: No, baby, but yes we will go. And we will kill those two assholes once and for all.
Manuel: They’re going to be there?
Luis: I’m pretty sure. Leticia’s idiot somehow thought it was a good idea to buy a piece of shit car he had rented last year. My buddy at the rental counter tipped me off and I was able to get my buddy to install a tracking device before he handed the car over. We’ll know all their movements.
Manuel: Won’t your buddy get in trouble?
Luis: He’s a Raider fan, so he don’t give a fuck. Plus, he still has a strike left.
Manuel: So, lover, why aren’t we flying? I want to kill those fuckers yesterday!
Luis: What? You don’t want a vacation? I figured we would drive cross-country, take in the sights, make love by the moonlight, and then get there and finish the job.
Manuel: And go to the Liberace Museum?
Luis: And go to the Liberace Museum.
[Just North of Tucson, AZ]
Vanessa (laughing): Are we there yet?
Leticia: Please stop that. You’re as bad as that idiot I’m going to see.
Vanessa: Oh come on. He’s funny.
Leticia: He’s an idiot.
Vanessa: No. It’s just that he loves…
Leticia: Don’t you dare finish that sentence.
Vanessa giggles, but says nothing.
Leticia: Besides, we’ve only got a little less than two hours to the Phoenix area. We’ll stop there for gas and food if that’s OK.
Vanessa (reaching to turn on the radio): Sounds good. (adjusts radio station) … Oooooh, I love this song!!!!!
Leticia (laughing): Me Too!!!!! But I’m Diana Ross!!!!
Vanessa: No way!!!! I’m Diana!!!!!
For the next hour and a half, the girls lose themselves in laughter and song as they drive on towards the Valley of the Sun.
Eventually, they agreed to take turns being Diana.
[Meanwhile, Inside of Chewy]
balls: I’m Ricky!!!!!
tWBS: No fucking way, dicknose. I’m Ricky!!!!
balls: Fuck you, nutsack!!! You got to be Ricky last time!!!!
tWBS: Last time? I don’t think we’ve ever done this before!!
balls: Huh….you’re right. Yet it somehow seems so familiar.
balls: I’m still Ricky, tho.
tWBS: (Laughing while turning off the radio): da Fuq you are.
balls (laughing): You’re a dick. But seriously, that was a good call to roll through Venice before the trip.
tWBS: Yeah, had to check how the business was going.
balls: Plus, we loaded up on provisions!
tWBS: You didn’t have to buy that many Jarritos, you know that?
balls: I also don’t have to pass by Donut Man either, but the strawberries are in season and we’re getting a box for the road.
tWBS: Where exactly is it?
balls: Well, we can either cut through downtown and take the 110 north, streets in Pasadena, then the 210 east or we can go the 10 to the East LA interchange where the 101 and the 5 and the 10 all kinda share space and then the 10 east some more and… Oh wait! Maybe the 60? Nah, too far south. Then take the 605 to the 210 or the 57 to the 210 and backtrack.
tWBS: I have no idea what you just said.
balls: Fuck it. Take a left here.
balls leads tWBS through Downtown LA and onward onto the Arroyo Parkway, LA’s most fun freeway to drive at 5:30 AM when there is little traffic. Fortunately, traffic was light.
tWBS (enjoying maneuvering the shitty Charger through the curves): Weeeee!!! I didn’t know you had real roads here!
balls: It’s too bad Chewy is Mexican American. If he was German Mexican like Vanessa, he could handle the curves faster.
tWBS: There’s a dirty Vanessa joke in there somewhere.
balls: I thought you were going to go with a ‘balls going too fast’ joke.
tWBS: That too.
After the freeway ends in sleepy Pasadena, they slow down only slightly as they roll through Old Town Pasadena to get to the 210 East. After another half hour of freeway driving, they get off the freeway and arrive at the donut shop.
tWBS: Mother of God.
They order six. And some tiger tails. And a jelly. And a bunch more.
[Outside a Tim Horton’s in Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu]
Luis: Why are we stopping here, dear? Montreal is just a short way away!
Manuel: You know I’ve gotta get my Timmy’s as soon as I cross the border.
Luis: Yeah, that’s why you nicknamed my penis Timmy.
Manuel: You like it, don’t you?
Luis: I like that you like it so much, but Timmy makes it sound small. Am I too small for you?
Manuel (eyes rolling and muttering under his breath): Jesus Christ. This again! (in a loud voice): No, honey! It’s perfectly good!
Luis: You’re just saying that.
Manuel: It’s true! I’ll show you when we get to the hotel in Montreal later.
Luis: Okaaaay. You better. (wanting to change the subject): I am happy that you decided to cross the continent through Canada. It seems so nice!
Manuel: I’ve heard Montreal is very romantic and their highways are superb! We can cut directly across and then go down somewhere in Manitoba or Alberta.
Luis: Go Down in MANitoba or ALBERTa? Count. Me. In!
Manuel: On second thought. Let’s see if this Timmy’s has a…
[Gas station, Mesa, Arizona]
Leticia (pumping gas): …clean bathroom. For us to fuck in.
Vanessa: Holy shit, tWBS really said that to you?
Vanessa (giggling): Sooooo then….did you? In the bathroom, I mean?
Leticia (giggling and blushing a little): Yes.
Vanessa: Haha…I knew it!! I don’t know why you act like….well….you know. You guys both act like…
Leticia (now lost in thought): It’s a long story.
Vanessa: Fair enough, then. I’ll run inside and….
Leticia (objecting a little too strenuously): NO!!! I mean, I’ll run inside. You finish this, OK?
Vanessa: Sure. OK.
Leticia walks towards the store. She looks back to be sure Vanessa isn’t watching, then pulls out her phone and begins typing. She looks back again just before entering the store. Vanessa is pumping gas, not paying attention.
Leticia approaches the counter and shows the clerk her phone as she speaks. The clerk looks at the phone, then begins giving directions.
Two minutes later, Leticia returns to the car.
Vanessa: You want me to drive?
Leticia: Nope I got it. But we have to make a quick little side trip. Won’t take five minutes. I need to say hello to an old friend.
Vanessa: Cool, let’s do it.
Leticia starts the car and pulls out onto the street. She drives a couple of miles then turns right. After just a little ways, she turns left into a housing development. Eventually, she pulls to a stop by the curb in front of a modest single story ranch home.
Leticia (sternly): You wait here. Leave the engine running.
Vanessa: Wait wha….
Leticia jumps out of the car and walks quickly to the door and rings the bell. She looks back at Vanessa still in the car and smiles nervously. Vanessa also looks nervous now, but is not smiling. Leticia becomes impatient and bangs on the door now. A moment later it opens. When it does….
Woman of the House: Oh Shit.
Leticia: No, I’m not going to give you the beating you deserve. But you know what you did. I just wanted to remind you and to tell you it didn’t work and that…and that…
Leticia begins to cry. Eventually, she stops trying to speak and just turns and walks quickly back towards the car. Vanessa is already out of the car waiting for her when she arrives. The two embrace and Vanessa begins to cry a little bit herself.
Vanessa: What is it, Honey? What was all of this?
Leticia: It’s a long story. But thank you. Thank you for being here. I couldn’t have done this by myself.
Vanessa: I don’t even know what “this” is sweetie, but of course. I’m here for you any way you need me to be.
The two embrace again. Then maybe their eyes lock and they realize what they both already knew. They kiss. Just a little bit…you know classy like. Barely any tongue. But a little tongue, of course. Then they come to their senses…
Vanessa: Oh my God, we can’t do this.
Leticia: Oh no, I’m so sorry. I thought that…
Vanessa: Oh..oh no. I didn’t mean. I mean you weren’t wrong, you didn’t read me wrong. It’s just that…
Leticia: Right. No, I get it. I get it.
Vanessa: Hey, you know what? We need to get rid of some tension. We’re not gonna make Vegas by night fall anyway. I know a spa resort that’s sorta between here and there. I think it’s a little off our path but not much and it will be totally worth it!!!! We’ll hole up there, call the guys and let ’em know. Then we’ll treat ourselves.
Leticia: Sounds good. But you better drive.
The sun is setting as the two pull into the parking lot of L’Auberge de Sedona….
Vanessa: We’re here!!!
Leticia: Oh my God!! This place is amazing.
Vanessa: You ain’t seen nothing yet.
After they check in, they freshen up then have dinner….
…And then they decide on a couple’s massage (shut up, it’s not weird)…
Leticia (very relaxed): Holy shit, I love this place. I could stay here forever. To heck with Vegas.
Vanessa: OH MY GOD!!! We forgot to call the guys.
Leticia (almost asleep now): Meh.
An hour later, they are back in their room and Leticia has fallen asleep in her bed. Vanessa sits on her own bed, surfing TV channels and talking on the phone.
Vanessa: No, it was fine. It was just really weird. She was really upset.
balls (on phone): Hang on a sec … (to tWBS) … Hey, any reason you know Leticia would go to Mesa and then get really upset at some chick’s house?
tWBS: Oh fuck. Please tell me she didn’t.
balls: Didn’t what?
tWBS (shaking his head): It’s a long story.
balls (on phone to Vanessa): Yeah, it definitely seems to ring a bell here, but it looks like that’s all I’m getting for now. Anyway, Love you, baby. Miss you, but happy you guys are safe and having some fun at least.
Vanessa: balls. There’s one more thing. When she was upset… well, we kinda kissed.
To Be Continued…..