^{All photoshops courtesy of Low Commander}

Welcome to the fourth night of the Second Annual DFO Hate Week, brought to you by hypocritical Midwestern values, lutefisk, and the Plow King.

Tonight we discuss the worst aspect of the NFL experience – rabid fan bases.

Of course, any discussion of NFL fans must, legally, start with an overview of Bills Mafia, which I will happily let Deadspin portray.

Next, you have your delusional fans. The ones who – ahh, fuck it; it’s Seahawks fans.

You know the baby came from her thanking him for taking her to a previous game, right? She’s a Seahawks fan because he’s a Seahawks fan, and they’re Seahawks fans because he didn’t invest in a condom.

Remember – this is a fanbase that still has the time to argue about Super Bowl XL, as expertly recounted by Bleacher Report, even though the majority weren’t fans of the team at the time. Why, the bleating has remained so loud NFL Network devoted a segment of “Top 10 Controversial Super Bowl Calls” to it. [Which I’d embed, but NFL Network hates sharing as much as it hates the fans.]

Of course, you can’t forget Raiders fan.

The people of Oakland Los Angeles Oakland (Las Vegas) take their reputation seriously, even if no one else does anymore. You’re more likely to get stabbed in Santa Clara or Chavez Ravine than The Black Hole.

Now, we all know the stereotypes of the two fan bases taking part in Sunday’s Big Game™^®©. FOX Sports has kindly provided a general breakdown of the two groups.

Patriots fans we are already familiar with, both in the wild

and in captivity.

And, under most circumstances, we’d be perfectly justified in going in on the behaviour of Americus stulte hospes,  the American Travelling Masshole.

But today we’re here to talk about another type of fan, one that hasn’t been seen in great number since clock management wasn’t a sideline concern.

Eagles fan.

Eagles fan has a long history of being rowdy for the reason of just being rowdy. They just enjoy spite and hatefulness for the sake of spite and hatefulness. The famous Veterans Stadium court was invented in 1997, after a Monday Night game between the Eagles and 49ers resulted in 60 fights and a smuggled-in flare gun being shot off. Taking the idea from the New York invention of a “night court”,

then-mayor Ed Rendell & Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie came up with the idea because it would promote swifter justice than the old system of crowd control, either writing tickets that never got paid or simply ejecting fans onto the street. Having immediate responsibility for your actions had the desired effect of toning down the rampant behaviour, and having a judge that ran Philadelphia’s version of night court meant they had someone who understood the concept of swift justice. “Fans taken to Eagles Court would see a judge immediately. They were usually caught in the act and essentially forced to make a guilty plea that led to a fine somewhere between $150-$300 and/or community service. (The judge has some stories.) More serious crimes would lead to charges and court dates.” The court was actually in the Vet only one year – by 1999 it was working out of the police precinct house down the street.

Eagles court ended in 2003. [The judge, Seamus P. McCaffery, eventually moved on to the PA Supreme Court, until he was retired in 2014 due to an email & pornography scandal. In addition, his wife was his court clerk, and there were allegations she had collected referral fees while working for him. Because he resigned instead of being impeached, he got to keep his $134,000 pension.] When the Eagles relocated to Lincoln Financial Field, they did build a holding cell into the basement of the facility.

Why did they feel the need to retain a holding cell?

Well, beyond the obvious,

there’s Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

^{(Some may say the true criminals are those who film in portrait versus landscape.)}

Exhibit D:

and Exhibit E:

A one-bridge havin’, piece-of-shit city indeed.

Oh, and is there something else, something which could turn the above-average internet football fan against the Eagles?

The defence rests, Your Honour.

But they have taken to being the Super Bowl underdogs. Local businesses are taking shots,

the Pennsylvania Attorney General “conducted” an “investigation” into the Patriots,

Sometimes it seems the Patriots might just be too good to be true… So, I conducted my own investigation to find the truth before the Super Bowl. #EaglesNation #SBLII pic.twitter.com/eubQGwFbDb

— Josh Shapiro (@JoshShapiroPA) January 31, 2018

and the medical examiner’s office has seen an uptick in its auction of unclaimed Eagles memorabilia removed from corpses.

Make a bid, if you so choose. If this initial sale goes well, they hope to use the municipal auction process to reduce their inventory of abandoned property.

Otherwise, stay far, far away. One team will win the game, but neither fan base deserves the victory. Fuck the Patriots & their fans; fuck the Eagles & their fans.

Fuck ’em all.