Your “DFO Super Bowl Hate Week” Thursday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

All photoshops courtesy of Low Commander

Welcome to the fourth night of the Second Annual DFO Hate Week, brought to you by hypocritical Midwestern values, lutefisk, and the Plow King.

Tonight we discuss the worst aspect of the NFL experience – rabid fan bases.

Of course, any discussion of NFL fans must, legally, start with an overview of Bills Mafia, which I will happily let Deadspin portray.

Next, you have your delusional fans. The ones who – ahh, fuck it; it’s Seahawks fans.

You know the baby came from her thanking him for taking her to a previous game, right? She’s a Seahawks fan because he’s a Seahawks fan, and they’re Seahawks fans because he didn’t invest in a condom.

They even come in team colors! Like he should’ve!

Remember – this is a fanbase that still has the time to argue about Super Bowl XL, as expertly recounted by Bleacher Report, even though the majority weren’t fans of the team at the time. Why, the bleating has remained so loud NFL Network devoted a segment of “Top 10 Controversial Super Bowl Calls” to it. [Which I’d embed, but NFL Network hates sharing as much as it hates the fans.]

Of course, you can’t forget Raiders fan.

    

The people of Oakland Los Angeles Oakland (Las Vegas) take their reputation seriously, even if no one else does anymore. You’re more likely to get stabbed in Santa Clara or Chavez Ravine than The Black Hole.


Now, we all know the stereotypes of the two fan bases taking part in Sunday’s Big Game™®©. FOX Sports has kindly provided a general breakdown of the two groups.

Patriots fans we are already familiar with, both in the wild

    

and in captivity.

 

And, under most circumstances, we’d be perfectly justified in going in on the behaviour of Americus stulte hospes,  the American Travelling Masshole.

But today we’re here to talk about another type of fan, one that hasn’t been seen in great number since clock management wasn’t a sideline concern.

Eagles fan.

Eagles fan has a long history of being rowdy for the reason of just being rowdy. They just enjoy spite and hatefulness for the sake of spite and hatefulness. The famous Veterans Stadium court was invented in 1997, after a Monday Night game between the Eagles and 49ers resulted in 60 fights and a smuggled-in flare gun being shot off. Taking the idea from the New York invention of a “night court”,

then-mayor Ed Rendell & Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie came up with the idea because it would promote swifter justice than the old system of crowd control, either writing tickets that never got paid or simply ejecting fans onto the street. Having immediate responsibility for your actions had the desired effect of toning down the rampant behaviour, and having a judge that ran Philadelphia’s version of night court meant they had someone who understood the concept of swift justice. “Fans taken to Eagles Court would see a judge immediately. They were usually caught in the act and essentially forced to make a guilty plea that led to a fine somewhere between $150-$300 and/or community service. (The judge has some stories.) More serious crimes would lead to charges and court dates.” The court was actually in the Vet only one year – by 1999 it was working out of the police precinct house down the street.

Eagles court ended in 2003. [The judge, Seamus P. McCaffery, eventually moved on to the PA Supreme Court, until he was retired in 2014 due to an email & pornography scandal. In addition, his wife was his court clerk, and there were allegations she had collected referral fees while working for him. Because he resigned instead of being impeached, he got to keep his $134,000 pension.] When the Eagles relocated to Lincoln Financial Field, they did build a holding cell into the basement of the facility.

Why did they feel the need to retain a holding cell?

Well, beyond the obvious,

    

there’s Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

(Some may say the true criminals are those who film in portrait versus landscape.)

Exhibit D:

 

and Exhibit E:

A one-bridge havin’, piece-of-shit city indeed.

Oh, and is there something else, something which could turn the above-average internet football fan against the Eagles?

The defence rests, Your Honour.

But they have taken to being the Super Bowl underdogs. Local businesses are taking shots,

the Pennsylvania Attorney General “conducted” an “investigation” into the Patriots,

and the medical examiner’s office has seen an uptick in its auction of unclaimed Eagles memorabilia removed from corpses.

Make a bid, if you so choose. If this initial sale goes well, they hope to use the municipal auction process to reduce their inventory of abandoned property.

Otherwise, stay far, far away. One team will win the game, but neither fan base deserves the victory. Fuck the Patriots & their fans; fuck the Eagles & their fans.

Fuck ’em all.

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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Wakezilla

tWBS: If you ever need a Sexy Friday theme suggestion, I’d recommend Layla El as a theme

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theeWeeBabySeamus

As much as I’ve played with the Alexa thing (phrasing), I think it would be wrong not to do a wrasslin’ theme at some point for sure.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh relax, Alexa. We can feature others. You’ll always be my princess.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

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That’s my girl. Please don’t hit me.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The judge, Seamus P. McCaffery, eventually moved on to the PA Supreme Court, until he was retired in 2014 due to an email & pornography scandal. In addition, his wife was his court clerk, and there were allegations she had collected referral fees while working for him. Because he resigned instead of being impeached, he got to keep his $134,000 pension.] When the Eagles relocated to Lincoln Financial Field, they did build a holding cell into the basement.

Judicial corruption in Pennsylvania? This is unheard of!

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Well played tWBS!

Wakezilla

So has America burned down with the latest deportation, or is all that support the troops stuff rhetoric to hide the racism.

“ICE has arrested a U.S. army veteran who served two tours of duty in Afghanistan and has two U.S. citizen children. His name is Miguel Perez Jr. and he has lived in the U.S. since he was 8 years old “

rockingdog
rockingdog

I found a funny:
When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.

…..Now to bed.

WCS

But, one goddess rules them all:

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Gratliff

Oh hey. I didn’t realize uproxx was good again. Really, you guys really just blew the whole bud light tie in thing out of proportion. Haha, dilly dilly, am I right, chums? Ah, we like to have fun here. Good, clean, commercial-friendly fun.

Senor Weaselo

ballsofsteelandfury

Plus one for the word “chums”. Criminally underused.

rockingdog
rockingdog

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Fronkenshteen

“It Might Get Loud”, the documentary with Jimmy Page, the Edge, & Jack White is pretty damn good.

yeah right

It’s the only thing that never gets deleted from my DVR.

Wakezilla

It’s a shame #ThePauls are cheap because they could really revamp their team this offseason if they spent money. According to Clayton, the Hox would trade Earl Thomas for a high second round pick. So if they were to do that, go defense with their first round, a QB free agent and another piece or two on defense (maybe Michael Bennett), they’d be a playoffs team next year.

Alas, they are ThePauls for a reason

Senor Weaselo

The Paulristocrats!

Beastmode Ate My Baby

The entire Seattle defense is built around Earl Thomas. Trading him would necessitate a complete defensive scheme overhaul, so it’s not a move they could make unless they saw someone of similar talent in the draft (or FA, for the short-term).

Wakezilla

I agree. Apparently the Hox may not want to pony up the cash to pay ET3, which is where this all came from, which to me is fucking insane.

rockingdog
rockingdog

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What is up, degenerates?

litre_cola

I want to hit “What’s a computer?” girl with a sock filled with nickels.

WCS

I’ll bring the sock! And the nickles! And a nailgun!

litre_cola

Then I would snap her computer over my knee and cackle loudly.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Grumblelord used to look like a smaller version of the actor who played Jaws.

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WCS

Darth Hoodie can’t bend a seven-iron, though.

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Shogun Marcus

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Also: Good evening.

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Senor Weaselo

They really like their sharp provolone, don’t they?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Dying laughing. Spotted in the wild?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

What should I do Sunday instead of watching those shits from Boston win another Super Bowl?

WCS

Sacrifice a goat to Cthulu?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Cthulhu doesn’t want to be fed. Cthulhu wants to hunt!

litre_cola

He then joined forces with the country’s foremost rib aficionado to Kansas City but that did not go well. but that too did not go as planned so he came back to Philly and will lead them to the promised land once the current starter gets killed because Jason Peters is out for the season!

Don’t worry internet friend, it has been written that Nick will win.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

If that happens, I’ll log on just long enough to post “My Foles are filled” and nothing else.

litre_cola

I have decided against going out because if I fly off the handle then it shouldnt be in public.

litre_cola

Evening commentists I hope you are all well. I won’t throw batteries or beer at you if Coach Tomsula taught me anything is to never throw anything away. It is all currency.

JerBear50
JerBear50

That Burr rant should be posted on any and every conversation about Philly. That’s one of my favorite clips ever.

WCS

Nine minutes to go, AND I WILL BE SELLING MERCHANDISE AFTERWARDS

JerBear50
JerBear50

I love the Frazier/Rocky bit. That’s maybe the sharpest cut from the whole thing.

Fronkenshteen

“With yer fackin’ Harold Carmichael jerseys…”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It should be the city anthem.

Redshirt

“I’ll take ‘Why Society Sucks’ for $400, Alex.”

WCS

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Redshirt

(buzzer) Time’s up. Here’s the correct answer: Angry, Hungry, Silly

WCS

You know what you need? Good, ol’ fashioned cocaine.

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WCS

“Dennis Teaches High School”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

So have you seen that series yet?

WCS

Just finished the pilot. It’s literally Dennis in a Toledo high school.

Redshirt

Time to play “Guess Redshirt’s Mood”.

After a long day, I came hope to my mom calling me to check on my spends every day in his room angry at the world but not doing anything to better his life brother who just found out that his opposite sex friend hasn’t be talking to him because she found a boyfriend and I know how that feels because that’s how you lost your very first friend from elementary school. I’d like to note for the record that I don’t have a girlfriend or pretty much start my life, mostly because I have to help out around the house because my spends every day in his room angry at the world but not doing anything to better his life brother doesn’t help out around the house.

So guess my current mood.

WCS

I’m going to go with… gassy?

JerBear50
JerBear50

Acutely run on-ish?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Ook. OOK! Has anyone picked stabby? Cause I’m picking stabby.

JerBear50
JerBear50

I believe he’s planning for a trip to Canton.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Overdue to get you and yourself drunk? Oh, and get your brother drunk as well.

Wakezilla

Horny?

I’ve been in a similar situation. I hope you go into fuck it mode soon so you can start your life and not worry about your family. Good luck.

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, time to quit screwing around and get something done.
You guys are a bad influence.
(Kay? Call me, hon)
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Nice ass.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, she’s got a friend.
Just saying….who wants to double date?
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herodotus450
herodotus450

Like I always say, “Unless it’s Katie Nolan, I ain’t a-goin.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

“BAH GAWD…THAT’S…THAT’S LEMONJELLO’S MUSIC!”

/door flies open
/record scratches
/Lady LemonJello glares balefully at me

“Nah, not interested, nope, not at all.”

/cries self to sleep on basement couch

theeWeeBabySeamus

I KNOW I can kick Amendola’s ass.
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scotchnaut

You could kick him in the shin and he’d get a concussion.

JerBear50
JerBear50

Yeah, you or a 16 game schedule. He’s been unable to withstand that assault either.

theeWeeBabySeamus

NFL Network isn’t nearly as interesting when Kay Adams isn’t on.
She’s so goddamned cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And smart, and little…..and cute!!!!!!
I could probably kick Nate Burleson’s ass, right?
(I smell a new restraining order)
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herodotus450
herodotus450

It’s like someone looked at Giada DeLaurentis and thought, “needs a bigger head.”
/I keed I keed

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I mean, yes, if you snuck up behind him quietly, you probably could give him a swift hard kick to the backside. I shudder to think what would happen to you, specifically the soft tissue parts of your face, subsequent to that, though.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Sure. If you spray him with horse tranquilizers and DMSO first.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I happen to have both of those things!!!!!!!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I didn’t pick them at random.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Don Jr doesn’t know his father is a teetotaler?

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Sharkbait

God damnit Ice Giants.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Ed Rendell is a turd. He brought fracking to PA, and thinks it’s useful because the U.S. going 100% renewable won’t be until 2040-45. Just for comparison, China and India want to be 100% renewable by 2025-30. How are we getting smoked by those fucking countries?

Oh, right. All the corruption and incompetence.

Well, proceed. I guess it’ll be easier when Miami, New Orleans, and New York are underwater and we don’t need to power them.

WCS

He actually had an op-ed in the Yinzburgh Post-Gazette last Sunday, dubbed, “In Defense of Eagles Fans.”

Sharkbait

Was it just a blank page?

LemonJello
LemonJello

I believe it was this:

“We’re not P*triots fans?”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

To be fair, China is plenty corrupt. The difference is that they also realize that it’s hard to be corrupt in a society that has completely collapsed, so they tend to think things through a little better.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I should have clarified “corruption” because, yeah, China’s gains are squarely ill-gotten and even more ill-distributed.

Wakezilla

China is kind of the dream for corrupt teachers. You can receive some sweet bribes from rich families in order to ensure their dipshit kid gets an A

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I feel like I shouldn’t expect FUCKROXX to be better than this, but at the same time…

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WCS

I refuse to give the #UpForWhatever group page views, so what are you referring to?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This is the hatiest edition yet. Great job.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Stephen, the fourth McPoyle:

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WCS

And yet, he’s somehow the fourth-worst lawyer on the show, behind The Lawyer, Uncle Jack, and Charlie.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

How big are his hands though?

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Tiny. He’s a tiny piece of shit. One of those little flecks that you wipe off.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And the least sexually attractive of the bunch.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Should we hope for a repeat of the Philadelphia Experiment?
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

A meteor is just cleaner.

blaxabbath

Ohh OHHHHHHHHHHHH

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

These lawyers – his, Trump’s especially, and others – have been so stupid that it’s probably because counsel is under investigation themselves. At least, one can dream.

SonOfSpam

That would happen if the client were to, say, make a deal with the prosecutor.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s what I’ve seen. Gates’ newest lawyer – I believe his name is Flippy McFlipperson – is still representing him.

scotchnaut

You’re a mass of intolerances” Give it to ’em, Kate!

/excerpt from The Philadelphia Story