Latest posts by theeWeeBabySeamus (see all)
- Your “Paraskevidekatriaphobia” Friday Evening Open Thread – July 13, 2018
- Terrell Who? – July 12, 2018
- Friday Open – The King is Dead,Long Live The King – July 6, 2018
[Sedona, Arizona, The Following Morning]
Leticia (banging on bathroom door): Hey!!!! Have you got all your things ready? The bellhop will be here for our bags soon. You’re already gorgeous anyway. Hurry the hell up, would you?
Vanessa (from inside bathroom): Almost done. Just a another minute!!!
There’s a knock at the door.
Leticia (opening the door but still yelling at Vanessa): See?? I told you!!!! Hurry up!!!
Leticia opens the door and comes face to face with….
Bellhop (immediately smitten with Leticia): Wow! Ummmm, hi. Checking out, right? I’m ummmm…. here for your luggage. But I must say, I’m sad to hear you’re checking out because…
Leticia (unimpressed): Save it, would ya?
Vanessa (exiting bathroom finally): See, I told ya I was almost done. (notices bellhop, hands him her toiletries bag) … Oh, hello. Here, be a dear and take this too?
Bellhop: Sure thing. (looks back to Leticia) … Well, it was really nice to meet you.
After the bellhop leaves to take their luggage downstairs, Vanessa begins giggling uncontrollably.
Leticia: What’s with you?
Vanessa: Are you kidding me? That guy was totally checking you out?
Leticia: No he wasn’t. And so what if he was?
Vanessa: Nothing, really. Just saying…
Leticia: Let’s just go.
Ten minutes later, the luggage is in the car and two are ready to move on. The disappointed bellhop stands nearby. Leticia doesn’t notice him, but Vanessa approaches him right away.
Vanessa (slipping a $20 into his hand): Don’t feel badly. She’s in love so it wouldn’t have mattered.
Leticia: Shut the fuck up and get in this car or I am leaving you here!!!
[Morning, Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino, Las Vegas, Nevada]
tWBS sits in a cabana on the Mandalay Bay Beach.
He nods in and out of a light snooze, and watches as the activity picks up and the scenery begins passing by….
Eventually, balls shows up. He’s carrying a tray containing various beers, shots and mixed drinks.
balls: Holy shit!!!! Did you see those asses?
tWBS (monotone): Yes.
balls (putting the full tray down on the table): Hey, I didn’t know what you wanted so I got a little of everything.
tWBS: You do realize the wait staff services the cabanas….right? Besides, where have you been all this time? Talking to your girlfriend again?
balls: What’s that supposed to mean?
tWBS: Nothing. Sorry.
balls: What’s wrong with you?
tWBS: Kinda dreading this now.
balls: Dreading what?
tWBS: Leticia showing up.
balls: Really, why?
Leticia: Because yesterday, something just came over me. I had let it go for far too long and I just had to tell her she hadn’t gotten away with it. But then I froze.
Vanessa: OK, honey. I get that you’re upset still. But I still don’t understand.
Leticia: The woman I talked to last night. That was my sister.
balls: HER SISTER???????? You slept with her sister?????
tWBS: No, Goddammit. And keep your fucking voice down, would you? And there’s a lot more to the story.
balls: There better be, dammit. Frankly, if you didn’t bone the sister? I might be getting bored.
Manuel: How can you get bored of Montreal?
Luis: Let’s move along sweetums. There is nothing in this town for us.
Manuel: Didn’t you like the poohtine I gave you last night?
Luis: Yeah, I did. That reminds me. Let’s get the hell out of here before the cleaning staff shows up. They might charge us extra for that mess in the bathroom.
Manuel: You’re right. Next stop: Ottawa! If that’s not the cure for boredom, I don’t know what is!
Luis: Sweetie, can you hand me that ring pillow?
[Mandalay Bay Beach, Early Afternoon]
The day has warmed considerably, and the beach has filled up. balls is still drinking and checking out the scenery. tWBS is still being a dick.
balls: Holy hell, man. Would you perk up? You’re missing it all….
tWBS (raising his shades and glaring at balls): You’re not getting it!!!
balls (annoyed): What am I not getting? Stop being a sullen ass and tell me, already!!! Frankly, you’re beginning to piss me right the fuck off.
tWBS (lowering shades and going back to being a sullen dickhead) : It’s a long story.
Just then, a young lady wearing a sash walks up to the cabana and speaks to tWBS.
Miss Wyoming: Hi!! My name is….
tWBS: grumble grumble
Miss Wyoming: OK, ummmmm….. Well, you look like you could use a friend, and ummmm…. Well…. Anyway, later, me and the rest of the girls are going to….
tWBS: Save it, would ya?
In tears, Miss Wyoming flips tWBS off and runs away.
balls (very, very, very angry): DUDE!!!!! WTF IS YOUR GODDAMNED PROBLEM?????? Miss Wyoming was into you and was about to invite us…BOTH OF US!!!!! …. to I don’t even know what and I’m still pissed!!!!! She’s wearing a sash which means her friends are also wearing sashes. Miss Texas needs to meet my and Vanessa’s buttholes. Holy shit you are such a dick. Couldn’t you have at least let her invite me along before you blew her off???????
tWBS: Miss Texas is a right wing nutjob. I saved you from fate. But wait, what about Vanessa’s butthole?!?
balls: Never you mind. But you’re missing the big picture you asshole. When Miss Wyoming is into you and asking you to a party….oh and by the way also your friend over here who is me…. You shut the fuck up and just do it!!!!!!
tWBS: No she wasn’t into me. She was selling something probably. Probably a $5.99 buffet or something. Besides, she’s from fucking Wyoming, man.
balls: But she’s like the hottest one there!!!!!!! da Fuq is wrong with you??? Is this some pussy bitch whining about the Leticia thing again? You two need to figure your shit out already.
tWBS: You just don’t get it.
Vanessa: So tell me what I’m not getting already then? Also, maybe I should drive for a while….?
Leticia (crying and swerving all over the road): It wasn’t his fault. That’s the thing. But still, I could never look at him again the same way after that. Then, when he showed up out of the blue again, and he did all that stupid shit and I had to bail him out. Then later in San Felipe. Then a couple of months ago when we met in….. Well, it feels the way it used to be again.
Vanessa: So then what’s the problem?
Leticia: When we were going thru Mesa yesterday, I don’t know why, but I just had to tell her she had failed. That he and I were….again.
Vanessa: Again I ask….
balls: …. what’s the motherfucking problem?!?
tWBS: I don’t know that there is one. Not for sure, anyway. But I was hoping we could avoid the past a while longer. Until things were a little more solid again. Things with she and I have always been tedious anyway. At best.
balls: Yeah, I kinda already gathered that.
tWBS: Right? So showing up at her sister’s house yesterday….I just don’t know. Not something I was expecting her to do.
balls: Maybe you just need to…
Vanessa: …talk to him? If you say it wasn’t his fault and all?
Leticia: After that, even though it wasn’t his fault really…. the worst part was that he knew he’d hurt me, I could see it in his eyes every time he looked at me. Even though he didn’t mean to, it was killing him. The sight of me was causing him pain. And then, with the distance and other things, it was just easier to drift apart. Maybe we should have just left it that way.
Vanessa: Bullshit. Do you love him?
Vanessa: You heard me…DO. YOU. LOVE. HIM…?
tWBS: Dude, come on. She and I don’t use those words. You know that.
balls: Yes I do. But that’s not what I asked, is it?
Just then, two hot chicks with Super Soakers have shown up and are super soaking balls’ and tWBS’ cabana.
balls (excited and grabbing drinks for the girls): Wooooooooooooo!!!!!
tWBS (grabbing his phone and walking away): Fuck this. I’ll be in the casino somewhere.
balls: Sorry about my friend girls, he’s in love. Now whaddya say we jump in the pool and I teach you the Mexican Backstroke????????
Girls (squirting balls (lol) with super soakers): Wooooooooooooooo!!!!!
[A car dealership somewhere in Western North Carolina]
Having unsuccessfully tried to find a way to pump his own gas, Dave has had to resort to other options. Before it’s too late.
Saleswoman: What are y’all so excited about?
Salesman: Some sucker dealership in Vegas wants that truck we’ve been trying to get rid of for months! And I got the credit! Hawaii here I come!
Saleswoman: You mean here WE come, right?
Salesman: Dammit, Cousin Elsie! It happened just the one time and now you expect me to take you places?!?
Saleswoman: Aww, you know it’ll be fun as fuck!
Salesman: Yeah, y’er right. Yiihaawwww!
Out of sight of the two hillbilly cousinfuckers, Dave pushes the truck out of the way and gets in the parking spot reserved for the trip west. As the crewmen load him up on the big rig tow truck, Dave smiles to himself.
Dave: At least I’ll have a fucking view! Now, to find that…
Manuel: What?!? What are you so upset about?
Luis: I told you to make a left at the airport and now we’re in goddam Saint-Jérôme.
Manuel: Relax, lover! I can just get off and make a uey. What crawled up your butt and died?
Luis: Your dick. And it’s slowly dying. That poutine didn’t help any. I think I am going to need a restroom.
Manuel: Oooh! Wanna fuck again?!?
Luis: No, you asswipe! I’m having major intestinal issues here and you’re thinking of sex! Typical
tWBS sits alone at the bar in Red Square with 3 vodka shots lined up in front of him. He dials his phone, listens to it ring and ring, then listens to voicemail…
We here at DFO Productions are excited to take your call, but we’ll be out of the office for a few days. Please give us a shout back then.
tWBS (hanging up phone and downing a shot): Dang. Where are those guys?
balls (who has just stormed into the bar): Latino attitude!! Gotta have it, brother!
balls: Nothing, it was a joke. But you’re about to fuck yourself over good, Comrade.
tWBS (turning now to face balls): What the shit are you talking about?
balls: Just that I knew I’d find you in here. You always do the Vodka thing when you’re sulking.
tWBS (downing another shot): Yeah, so what? The proletariat loves me!!! These are my people!!!!
balls: OK, Mr. Stalin. Maybe we get you out of here now. You’ve had enough for the time-being.
tWBS (slurring his speech on purpose): I disshagree!!! (downs last shot).
balls: Really? Well how about this then…? Vanessa just called me. The girls will be here in less than an hour. And you’re in no mood to have a conversation.
tWBS: Oh shit, less than an hour?
balls: Right? So let’s find way to get you loosened up so you don’t fuck things up even worse this time, shall we?
tWBS (saying goodbye to his people in Red Square): DASVIDANIYA EVERYBODY!!!!
tWBS: Meh, fuck you people. Now I know how Uncle Joe felt.
The two move into the casino. The music is thumping as they arrive in front of an empty craps table as balls is trying to teach tWBS the intricacies of the game.
balls: So again, I repeat….. Latino attitude!! Gotta have it, brother!
tWBS: What does that mean?
balls fills tWBS’ hand with a Tequila shot, then the two shoot simultaneously (giggity).
balls: Now, we gamble to get you outta your own head for a bit. First…..you gotta take the dice in your hands and roll them confidently! You can’t throw like a pussy.
tWBS: That’s offensive to women.
balls: No, that’s offensive to pussies. Many women have more balls than most guys. They have pussies AND balls.
tWBS: Like hermaphrodites?
balls: Best of both worlds. But no, that’s not what I’m talking about.
tWBS: That still sounds wrong.
balls: Whatever. Anyway, you’ve got the gist of the deal?
tWBS: I think so. Maybe we can try it later. In the meantime, I think there is an afternoon poker tournament. Wanna do it?
balls: Sure! If we tag team and not kill each other, we should be able to make final table for sure!
The two start dancing like idiots in the middle of the casino floor.
balls: I’m DC!
tWBS: NO, I’M DC!!
The duo eventually get tired of twerking with one another, and find the poker room. It’s early, so they have no trouble getting seated at the same table. tWBS looks around the still half empty table to size up the competition. Then he sees her, seated across the table from him.
Old Bitch from Plane (laughing): Hi sweetie. Hope you grew some balls since the other day.
tWBS (standing up): Oh, Imma come over there and strangle you with that stupid little visor you old….
balls (to tWBS): Hey!!!!!! What’s going on? What’s up?
tWBS (sitting back down): That’s her. The old bag who got me arrested at LAX.
OBfP: Oh, you got yourself arrested. It was funny too. I even have a picture on my phone of them dragging your dumb ass off the plane.
tWBS: Yeah? Well….I’ve got a….a picture of your…big ugly dumb stupid head.
balls: Wow, that was sad man. Maybe just shut up and play cards.
OBfP (pulling a tissue from her left vest pocket and blowing her nose): You better listen to your friend, Powder Puff. This ain’t Wednesday Bingo Night.
The cards are dealt and the game begins.
To Be Continued…..