NFL News:
- Antonio Cromartie has announced his retirement.
- It’ll be easier to go on the lam from child support that way, now that potential claimants don’t know where he’ll be 16 Sundays of the year.
- In the “DEAR GOD – NO!” department, for its new Thursday Night broadcasts, FOX is looking at having
- Troy Aikman on pre-game
- Peyton Manning on colour in the booth
- The logic is that they want to have a set Thursday Night team, apart from the usual Sunday chucklefuckery, but also want a link to their established crews.
- They want people to tune in not for the games, but for the announce team that will hold their interest during a Bengals-Browns classic matchup.
- The rumoured list of suitors for Kirk Cousins is down to four:
- Broncos
- Cardinals
- Vikings
- Jets
- who are frightened at the prospect of losing out on the whole deal, because all they have to fall back on is: [checks notes]
- Christian Hackenberg
- Bryce Petty
- Joel Stave
- who are frightened at the prospect of losing out on the whole deal, because all they have to fall back on is: [checks notes]
- If you give any fucks about the spectacle 40’s from the Combine: (I’m not linking)
- Rich Eisen: 5.97
- Roger Goodell: 5.41
Finally, in terms of watching actual spectacles unfold,
- Jerry Jones is appealing the NFL’s decision to levy a reimbursement against him
- The Steelers are expected to franchise-tag Le’Veon Bell for a second time, ahead of Tuesday’s deadline.
I saw “Red Sparrow” on the weekend with Mrs. WineWife, and – 18 hours later – I’m not sure if I liked it. I didn’t hate it, but it was one of those movies that made itself more about the twists than the actual plot. Everything made sense, but it felt convoluted for the sake of trying to be arty.
I get why people think it could have been a “Black Widow” movie. It had the classic Russian “spy training school” bits, complete with the “Your body belongs to the state, and you will use it how the state demands” rejoinder. The vaunted J-Law nude scene comes during this section, but be warned – you have to get through some penises to get there, and it’s “plot nudity”, not gratuitous nudity. It makes her point about being liberated after the “Fappening”.
Once you get into the whole espionage aspect of the film, this is where the relationship to Black Widow actually disappears. There was the traditional flitting between European capitals, and general spy intrigue that comes along with films like this. But that by-the-book stuff still got wrapped up in the “Wait, I thought that guy was the target. Who’s this guy?!” movement of the plot. At least when you see Scar-Jo on screen, you have an idea where the plot is going, and who is kicking whom’s ass. Plus there’s one scene that, when you see the character involved, makes you think that this movie has a crossover to “Red”.
The whole scene played out that way. It was a bit jarring to the overall feel of the movie.
It wasn’t a waste of time – everything kept the same pace, there were few dead spots, some of the violence was graphic but contextual, and Jeremy Irons is underused but solid like always. If you want a comparison, the first half of the movie played like Black Widow’s hallucination from “Age of Ultron”, combined then with William Hurt’s character from “Gorky Park” in the second half. On the whole, I rate this movie a “Netflix” – you need to see it uncut, because the US TV edits will keep it from making sense. If you go on a half-price Tuesday, that’s also about right.
Tonight’s sports:
- NHL:
- Flames at Penguins – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
- Leafs at Sabres – 7:30PM | NBCSN
- NBA:
- Pistons vs. Cavaliers – 7:00PM | NBA TV / TSN2
- Trail Blazers vs. Lakers – 10:30 | NBA TV / TSN2
- NCAA:
- Men’s tournaments:
- Horizon League:
- Oakland vs. Cleveland State – 7:00PM | ESPNU
- Wright State vs. Wisconsin (Milwaukee) – 9:00PM | ESPNU
- MAAC: Iona vs. Fairfield – 7:00PM | ESPN
- Southern Conference: North Carolina (Greensboro) vs. East Tennessee State – 9:00PM | ESPN2
- West Coast: Gonzaga vs. San Francisco – 9:00PM | ESPN
- Horizon League:
- Women’s tournaments:
- Big East: DePaul vs. Georgetown – 6:30PM | FS1
- American Athletic: Connecticut vs. Cincinnati – 7:00PM | ESPN2
- Big 12: Baylor vs. Texas – 9:00PM | FS1
- Men’s tournaments:
- WWE:
- RAW – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
The franchise-tag deadline is 4:00PM ET Tuesday. It will be interesting to see who gets the label. We can discuss that tomorrow, when we know what the final list will look like. SO MANY POTENTIAL HOLDOUTS!
Reminder to hydrate. I woke up last night dry as a bone.
Matt, Brought Back
Really, we can’t blame Uproxx when the true villain here is SB Nation for letting him go.
I mean, we CAN blame Uproxx, but there are other dark forces at work here too.
I don’t think he gives any fucks whatsoever.
That’s scarier than if he were carrying guns and knives and was covered in blood.
That’s what he had lying around AFTER he was covered in blood.
Hi. I’ve been up for 18.5 hours so I’m just going to go to bed now.
OMG, the earth IS flat!
No; it’s conceptually like a dual monitor; they go off one edge, then the appear suddenly on the other edge…… well, except for Capt’n Cook……
So…we’re goin’ treasure hunting?
♫ When I put a spike into my vein
And I tell you things aren’t quite the same
When I’m rushing on my run
And I feel just like Jesus’ son ♫
“Poetry, man.”
– Todd Marinovich
Well, they did it. They brought back Matt.
It make me uncomfortable to have a potential reason to go read things at Uproxx.
https://uproxx.com/sports/2018-nfl-combine-scouting-results-offensive-linemen-defensive-linemen-adult-sons/click=https://t.co/47ldYBc2e4
EDIT: because Uproxx is the internet equivalent of ValueJet, the twitter link to them does not work. https://uproxx.com/sports/2018-nfl-combine-scouting-results-offensive-linemen-defensive-linemen-adult-sons/
An Ufford post is worth it. Although it still feels slimy.
Saying it doesn’t exist. I searched for Ufford, and most recent thing I found was a Frotcast from last year.
EDIT: Nevermind. Figured it out.
404 Page Not Found
Sorry, the page you were looking for has either moved, is no longer available or the URL you entered was incorrect. Please visit our home page to continue your search.
The P*ts lose a Superb Owl, they bring back Matt, what’s next for this year?
I specified this year!
The gif responses still apply.
The Union Pacific “Big Boys” were designed exclusively to haul large freight consists up and over the 1.14% Wasatch climb in Wyoming. When doing this they consumed 28 tons of coal and 24000 gallons of water per hour.
Cool movie review. I’m out.
Last funny:
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it!
“Yes, one lid please.”
– Josh Gordon
Connor McHockey? Cool nickname!!!
The Edmonton Oilers: Professional Hockey’s Al Bundy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaTlJW9nVrA
Found another funny:
Andy Reid likes cheese:
https://twitter.com/FourVerts/status/970785834227167233
That’s before he makes it, btw. He eats all those cheeses.
One of the replies says Reid was originally going to be seven cheeses, but then he thought five would do. So, yeah, this is the appetizer recipe.
Of course he does.
sports/The Office funny.
Also LOL this really happened!!!!!and he thanked a Brand in his speech!!!!!! bahahaha
Actually, it was John Mellencamp winning an Oscar.
But that joke is not as funny.
The sea was angry that day my friends.
TIL Michigan State UNIVERSITY Police have fucking armored vehicles
Yep.
They only use the military equipment for peaceful protests. No where to be seen at mass shootings.
Or when white right wingers occupy government facilities.
But we’re fine.
I was seriously disappointed that the federal government didn’t use the Bundy standoff as an opportunity to demonstrate how pitifully pathetic those guys and their “tactical” AR-15’s would be against a U.S. military that treated them like a serious threat.
A few of them are ex-military. But yeah; a couple of squads, at night. We’d need a new building, but well worth it.
Multiple buildings.
And God damn that whole Malheur thing pisses me off.
Three things about Jeremy Irons:
1) He is always great.
2) The movie he’s in will probably be underwhelming.
3) His name is an anagram for “Jeremy’s iron”
Die Hard With a Vengeance kicked ass. Lolita was… well…
“Dungeons & Dragons”…his scene chewing in that shit fest was just wonderful.
I didn’t really care for either; he is always a professional and does well. Even in the bad ones (several) he does very well. Sometimes it seems he is thinking “Really? That is in the script?” but he owns it.
Should not have remade Lolita, but that is what they do.
4) His words are a matter of pride.
Eh.
She clearly didn’t put a lot of vigor into those hand jobs if her arms still look as weak as mine.
WE’RE FINALLY GETTING TO THE FIREWORKS FACTORY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cu6A312f8AQ
And then they tased a guy, bro.
Semi-relevant
(Damn it. I don’t want to edit out those errant frames, but it’s fucking annoying to see them.)
that ride looks niceeeee…….oh wait its an award?
The Teen Choice Award. Yeah.
Holy Fuck It’s Only Monday
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-5F_7DwPpo
Righttttt.
Yo…..thats how it is. Poetry.
Your criticism of Red Sparrow is duly noted.
Gee, if only there were a Super Bowl-caliber QB out in the wilderness.
Buuuuuut… Jets.
They’re so stupid they wouldn’t even need to fall back on the blackballing edict.
Tebow!
That’s actually an excellent job of protecting the face. I broke my nose because I wasn’t nearly as quick to get my hands out there.
https://www.cnn.com/2018/03/05/politics/sam-nunberg-analysis/index.html
After all the drama up here about Richard Spencer’s MSU appearance, he drew eleven (11, Dozen-Minus-One) people. That just warms my heart.
If he didn’t get punched in the head, it’s a disappointment.
He won’t put himself anywhere near the action these days, but here’s one of his followers catching hands
HOOK IT TO MY VEINS!
Pow, right in the kisser!
/just kidding, we all know Brendan Dassey has kissed more girls in the last five years than that guy.
I am very happy that Hulk Hogan Featuring Hillbilly Jim is going into the Hall.
I really don’t get Goldberg going in. Yeah he was a big name…at a time when WCW was a shitshow. The dude never learned how to wrestle. Hell, he was such a danger, he hurt himself.
In a class that includes Jeff Jarrett, there is no wrestler you could put in that would surprise me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JY3CNeC3Ce0
Youtube’s recommendations really speaking to me lately
You know who is really going to get buried by everyone when he dies?
Dave Meltzer. That shit is going to be epic. That dude has buried and ruined more careers than both Vince’s and Bischoff combined. I’ve never heard a good word about him from any retired wrestler.
I completely missed the boat on Meltzer because I never understood the need for a wrestling critic. Everything I see of him sounds shockingly self-absorbed and unnecessary. He’s like those dipshit wrestling fans that go to every show and try to be a character as a fan, but in written form. It’ll be worth it if he dies in Japan, though, so we can all make 5 star jokes.
What makes me laugh is he bases so much of his shtick on hearsay. A lot of his content is just his fans are just submitting reports to him and he takes them at face value.
It amazes me because his base takes his content like its reality 24/7 and every time he is wrong, he goes with the “I was right, but then they found out I knew, so they changed the show up at the last moment”.
He is basically an unaffiliated version of those 1-900 numbers WCW used to run. Its a brilliant game he has going because no matter what he says, he is right…
Black Reign is superior to Golddust…
Fight me…
Never forget
I want to beat up my younger self for ever liking wrestling.
If Cody ever came back as “The Midnight Rider”, I would buy all his merch.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jK-3ErNvZhQ
Midnight. RIder.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Nope. God bless the 80s.
Ronald Reagan kicked off his 1980 campaign in Philadelphia, Mississippi talking about states’ rights – in the town where three Freedom Riders were lynched. So this is entirely apt, and why my position is unequivocally, “Fuck the 80s. The 80s sucked ass.”
Fine. God bless 80s wrestling.
AJ Styles…
On Styles’ right torso, underneath the giant “AJ,” there are several dates: 05-03-05, 02-14-07, 09-15-09, and 10-08-14. These are the birthdays of his four children, who were born in 2005, 2007, 2009 and 2014. And the giant letters above them don’t just represent his own name; they also represent the initials of all four of his children, who are named Ajay Jones, Avery Jones, Albey Jones and Anney Jones.
Is it any wonder this man thinks there is something to the flat earth theory?
Also, not a huge fan of the gay community, specifically the fact that they find him and his fucking soccer mom haircut extremely fuckable.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3miK-gJtCU
This always makes me giggle…
I will never not love how he just immediately devolves into the entire Reno 911 sheriff’s department in that segment
“Why didn’t he just name them all George?” -George Foreman
Had my annual physical yesterday. The Doc tells my that I’m apparently an agnostic suffering from insomnia and dyslexia.
I guess that’s why I stay up many nights pondering the existence of Dog.
You get the prostate check?
I really like my doc, but I will never understand why he talks to me while he is doing that check. I can’t fucking focus on a conversation with a hand up my ass.
Hand? You might wanna make a phone call…
Cena still rocking the jorts?
Mightily.
Wait…white people don’t know who killed Tupac and Biggie?
It was Puffy. He had the most to gain. I thought everyone knew this…
Ronda’s Kefka Palazzo eye makeup is really bothering me too
Kurt Angle is still wrestling?
I thought between the horrific toll on his body, along with his serious drinking problem, he was you know…trying to survive to reach his 50’s…
He’s broken his neck so many times that it’s basically unbreakable now, I guess. That being said, when he’s not looking completely unhuman trying to speak, he’s looked surprisingly good in ring. He had a cage match with Dusty Rhodes’ kid like 3 days before he was put in the WWE HoF last year.
They have to ease Ronda into the fold, since her mic work is above reproach.
I had a coworker complaining that Ronda was ruining her potential by leaving MMA and going into wrestling.
I suspect he hasn’t watched her last couple of fights. I think its a brilliant move by her but she should be smart and follow Brock’s example of doing a big fight and then sitting out for a while.
I don’t understand why the WWE doesn’t do this more…cycling talent in and out as oppose to just using them until everyone is bored with them. Plus it would actually let people heal the fuck up.
It’s weird with Brock, because it doesn’t feel like it’s a foregone conclusion he’s gonna get murdered when he goes back in. The speed in which we all agreed that Rousey was exposed was fascinating.
And now I realize we were discussing the WWE thing, not the MMA thing, but really. Brock’s ability to just disappear and come back wherever he wants is uncanny.
His MMA fight history is not exactly impressive. UFC’s heavy weights have always been hit or miss in terms of quality. He split a set of fights with Frank Mir.
I suspect he won’t be coming back to the Octagon any time soon because he can’t pass a fucking drug test and he isn’t dominate so the chances of him getting seriously hurt is getting higher.
He is smart however by not sticking around in WWE for any considerable length of time because he cannot do a promo and the dude is a potential PR mess the longer he is in the limelight.
It always surprises me how badly he wants to go back and fight, given that he’s notoriously bad at taking damage for a guy his size. You’d think he’d just be happy with the fact he’s been heavyweight champion and move along, since he actually has a whole other career he can fall back on and basically do whatever the fuck he wants. He no-showed last Monday and the punishment was they had his opponent cut a slightly meaner than usual promo.
To me, it makes as much sense as him trying to get into the NFL at this point.
The paydays aren’t going to be huge. UFC is not doing very well. He still has to be in shape and it still takes a toll on his body doing pro-wrestling, but its not the same brutal damage.
He may as well get the easier payday and seriously be managing his money because lord knows he cannot translate this into a movie or tv career.
Its kind of amazing how big he is in MMA and wrestling but he has no real crossover ability. Like Kurt, you could put him into a movie. Hell, I think you could get Rhonda into a movie with enough work. Brock…I am not sure.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txkWLSmeM-Q
Don’t you mean “if,” considering it seems he gets hit with a doping ban every time?
TFW you totally give a fuck about USADA
Andre always seemed like an unstoppable monster because he went to Japan or on tour every 6-8 months. Once he was forced to stick around 12 months straight, he aged quicker.
If they’d done that with The Giant (the tours), he would have stayed fresher for longer.
She’s all over the fucking place. Oof.
Royal Rumble: Confused Mute Who Really Liked the Wrestlemania Sign
Elimination Chamber: Idiot Child Just Learning How to Speak
Monday after: Unstoppable badass striking fear into the heart of the boss who’d dare cross her
Tonight: Everything that isn’t the badass promo from last Monday.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyNxmOjvHO4
Oh man the kid on the blue board is gonna get his face pounded in when he gets to the beach.
Yup
Jonathan Coachman goes crawling back to WWE who immediately give him the boot when he’s named in the ESPN harassment suit. If only they had that sort of initiative with some of their other talent, such as Vince McMahon.
Or not. That’s what I get for listening to Twitter.
How does one fire the owner?
With a cannon preferably.
Lotta money given away on Wheel o’ Fortune tonight.
Not that I’ve tried it before, but it’s probably your own damn fault if you’re paying extra for butter and doing the ol’ hole in the popcorn container trick.
/Do people actually do that? Sounds painful, especially if there is butter involved!
Wife and I are watching New Girl on Netflix. Last night, we saw Sonequa Martin-Green (Sasha on Walking Dead) play Winston’s girlfriend. In New Girl, she plays a prank artist who takes things too far. From that scope, it’s actually kind of amusing to think of Sasha as this woman and when she killed herself, it was one last hilarious prank.
I don’t watch movies in theaters very often but one of my sonny boys dragged me to ‘Game Night’ yesterday and I laughed my ass off. Surprisingly tight joke writing that more than excuses some aspects of the action scenes.
The ackward scenes with the neighbor are awesome