Secular Saturday Fútbol AM Thread

Don T

Don T

Poor choices, mixed results.
¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre!
Titans4Eva
Don T

For Catholics, today is Good Saturday. To get the religious stuff out of the way: “The Young Pope” was hokey, but interesting. And what an intro!

All times Central. Yeah.

Listen, I got a two-day vacation going, so please accept my start-time guesses.

LA LIGA

Athletic Bilbao (13th) vs. Celta Vigo (10th) – 9:15 AM

Athletic Bilbao is one of the emblematic clubs in the history of fútbol.

/golf clap

Moving on, Celta Vigo’s Iago Aspas is inspiring national pride. He entered as a sub in last Tuesday’s international friendly of Spain 6 – 1 Argentina, and Aspas got the staff all tumescent at Spanish paper-of-record El País. Aspas is a humble guy from Galicia, and reporter Rafa Cabelleira called  him the prime candidate for starting at center forward for the Spanish National Team—i.e., “the most important post that can be aspired to in [Spain], at least within democracy”. Heh heh; that creeping cloud is SHADE thrown at Spain’s starting center forward, Diego Costa: born and raised in Brazil, Spanish citizen since 2013, and an international head case. A sudaka on the most “important post that can be aspired to” in Ezpaña? Now THAT’S dog whistling.

via quickmeme.com

Let’s not forget that El País covers fútbol as if it were literary criticism. Here’s more of Prof. Cabelleira on Aspas: “His play in the last friendly against Argentina is nothing but the reflection of his many virtues, the logics within a forward with the soul of a midfielder and venom in the boots, an enlightened footballer who understood the first time one of the maxims of the Cruyff Theorem: nobody is as fast as the ball itself.”

All that flowery Social Sci. stuff, NOTHING on Aspas’s 40-yard time. Get a grip, El País.

 

Las Palmas (18th) vs. Real Madrid (3rd) – 11:30 AM

Cristiano’s not playing, nor Sergio Ramos (asshole). Isco, Marcelo, and Toni Kroos are out. All sights are on Tuesday’s Champions League game at Juventus, so this trip to the Canary Islands seems like a chore. Carvajal is also out for—color me shocked—yellas.

I’d say this is like the Colts hosting the Steelers without Antonio Brown: Real has the players, but can get sleepy and lose. Yeah, and maybe your cellphone can survive a toilet flush. How much should I bet on Real, Nairobi?

From “Money Heist”, the WORST

TITLE TRANSLATION IN HISTORY

via @CasaDePapelARG

 

Sevilla (6th) vs. Barcelona (1st) – 1:45 PM

Oh! Sorry. FUCK REAL MADRID.

Barcelona plays seven games in the next 22 days, and the Injury Report includes key players listed as “Gimpy”: Iniesta, Piqué, and Ter Stegen. Busquets is out—now there’s a “He’s an asshole, but he’s OUR asshole” player. Very good with the ball and better in defense, understated but adept in the Dark Arts (the hidden elbow, the “Shot in the Leg” dive, the kick in the backheel). He’d be a god in Buenos Aires.

Messi did not play in the internationals last week for Argentina, a National Team run with a disdain for order only seen in the current White House. Anyway, Messi has had a sore right leg for some weeks, Barça hosts Roma on Wednesday in the Champions, AND the World Cup is in 79 days. You can bet UEFA and FIFA are ready to intercede in favor of rest. Eh, give it to him. Another Barcelona player can get more workload. You know, the third top scorer in La Liga this season, guy from Uruguay…

I guess Sevilla is getting the short thrift in this post. BUT, this team deserves some love: they bounced ManUre from the Champions AT MANCHESTER. It was a great day for all right-thinking fans of sports—hey, they exist. In theory, I guess. If any are spotted in real life, remember: they may be replicants.

 

ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

Crystal Palace (16th) vs. Liverpool (3rd)  – Early AF

By the time you read this, the game will be over. And the story would not change: Roy Hodgson is a sketchy character and Jürgen Klopp is the true Son of God. Amen, hatahs.

 

Man U (2nd) vs. Swansea City (14th) – 9 AM?

Man U faces a trophy-less season. The cake Manure fans wanna give to Mourinho, once known as The Special One:

 

Brighton & Hove Albion (12th) vs. Leicester City (8th) – Yeah, 9

I think everyone should watch this game. And let me add another piece of unsolicited, but impeccable, advice:

 

Newcastle (13th) vs. Huddersfield (15th) – 9:00 AM

This match… I’ve seen more wattage on a Christmas lights shop.

IN PUERTO RICO.

 

Watford (11th) vs. Bournemouth (10th) – 9:00 AM

Jesus Christ. Does anybody NOT play in the EPL today? Here’s my observation for this game:

/sighs

I’m at a beach apartment ‘til tomorrow dammit! 🚬

 

West Brom (🕳) vs. Goddamn Burnley (7th) – 9:00 AM

Well wadda ya know. After I’ve been busting Burnley’s balls for months, they’ve been on a mini-tear. It sucks when events make your scorn look gratuitous. But Burnley’s been 7th since forever, so I stand by my pettiness.

 

West Ham (17th) vs. Soton (🚂 All Aboard the Championship Train Choo Choo! 🚂 18th) – 9:00 AM

Both teams are beyond screwed. West Ham fans wanna kill their team’s owners while the club is fighting relegation under the management of failing upwards Golden Boy David Moyes. This is my dream elevator for both teams:

 

Everton (9th) vs. Man City (1st) – 11:30 AM

Win it for teh Hippo!

Wildlife Hippo GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Don T
Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva

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ballsofsteelandfurytheeWeeBabySeamusBrick MeathookSonOfSpamMr. Ayo Recent comment authors
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Welcome to “Hangin’ With Brick Meathook!”

Today’s episode: Brick Gets a Package

BRICK: La di da di dah . . . gosh what a swell day! What’s this? It’s a package!

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BRICK: And it’s from Amazon Prime! What could it be? Is it Christmas? No . . . Is it my birthday? No . . . I better open it and see!
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BRICK: Look at that padding! It must be pretty good! I’ll just remove these air bags like so . . .
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BRICK: This is the worst day ever!

THE END

Next week’s episode: Brick buys a postage stamp

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehe.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s fucking hilarious.

ballsofsteelandfury

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is unreal. He should be the official DFO Patron Saint.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Looks too much like Frank Zappa.

King Hippo

fookin’ ‘ell, he really does

rockingdog
rockingdog

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SonOfSpam

El Trafico exceeded expectations. Who knew???

King Hippo

still on tape delay – I hate the scores, but LOVE the SNY Mets crew. Just said “the Mets are 4 runs to the good.”

Lesser Footy vernacular shall conquer the world imo godbless

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The thing I don’t like about Easter is the blatant stat-padding by the Catholics who keep the record books. Three days? He was dead for LESS THAN 48 HOURS!

Horatio Cornblower

I was just having this conversation last night. Died at 3 pm Friday, took Saturday off, (as one does), then got up late Sunday morning and got back at it.

ballsofsteelandfury

If you go by Jewish days, it makes sense. Sort of. But yeah, I always had that same though.

SonOfSpam

“Oy, that Yeshua walked out of his tomb, after, what, twelve hours?”
“Three days”
“Right, Bartholomew, three days. And that wound in his side – oy gevalt!”
“Should get some bactine on that.”
“Yes, bactine.”

King Hippo

technically, His book do say “ON the 3rd day” not after the 3rd day, but just add to the pile of shit His followers get wildly wrong FOAR reasons

theeWeeBabySeamus

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rockingdog
rockingdog

ballsofsteelandfury

ZLATAN!!!

scotchnaut

Me: “Hey, wet sticky snow! Whatta you up to these days?”

WSS: “I’m definitely not covering your satellite dish so that you can’t get a feed.”

Me: “Oh, WSS! Am I going to have to scrape your snow off my dish with a hockey stick yet again?”

WSS: [shrugs]

Me: “I hate you.”

theeWeeBabySeamus

I took out a gallon of very hot water the last time. It worked pretty well.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The last person I knew who thought the snow was talking to him was Jim Irsay.

King Hippo

explaining why Hippo will remain the world’s last cable customer

/along with last Blackberry user

//git off-a mah lawn, filthy hippie

theeWeeBabySeamus

I bet you still got an 8-track in your El Camino too, huh?

King Hippo

don’t be looking in mah 202K mile minivan

/have lifetime XM in it, and I plan to gets my Confederate Script money’s worth

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Fronkenshteen

Just got back home from 8 days split between my parents & the in-laws. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’M GOING TO SMOKE ALL TEH WEEDS NOW.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Most of ’em sucked.
But occasionally I get lucky and get one that doesn’t suck quite as much.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Nobody liked my flower.
Fuck you guys.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

We’re more into deflowering around here

theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, Imma go get drunk and go through the flower photos I took earlier today until the baxsetballing begins.

IT IS NOT GAY!!!!!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

(not that there’s anything wrong with that)

scotchnaut

“You just might be your own huckleberry.”

-Doc Holliday

theeWeeBabySeamus

“Have been for longer than I’d care to admit, my friend.”

– tWBS

Horatio Cornblower

Well, time to put the Yankee game on and see if they can continue their march towards 162-0.

scotchnaut

No matter their record, they’ll be goose-stepping the entire way.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

Good doggy.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Well lookit Matty Carpenter going yard while the NY Lottery folks say “fuck you it wasn’t Met what hit dat shit we ain’t payin’.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Holy shit family is exhausting and I’ve barely spent any time with them.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

FUN FACT! Fat Sam’s inspired team selection led to 16% possession – which is a new record low for a home side in the Premiership era.

Take a bow, you gravy-swilling shyster fuck.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

WORST COACH YOUR FAV TEAM HAS EVER SEEN. GO!

Ray Handley. He was elevated from running backs coach to head coach. Giants fans know the rest.

King Hippo

Josh McDaniels. Jesus Tapdancing Christ, the Tebow pick/trade-up fer.

King Hippo

/this was the easy answer, in that NC State has its own “Mount Rushmore” of idiot coaches (Chuck Amato, Tom Reed, Les Robinson, Sidney Lowe).

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s a good start.
But we’re gonna need a bigger mountain.

WCS

Anyone (seriously, anyone) before Chuck Noll.

Horatio Cornblower

Believe it or not, Pierre McGuire once coached the Whalers.

It went exactly as well as you think it would have.
http://articles.courant.com/1994-05-21/sports/9405210429_1_pierre-mcguire-whalers-general-manager-paul-holmgren

King Hippo

he wasn’t lucky??