Latest posts by theeWeeBabySeamus (see all)
- Even Harold Baines Thinks You Guys Were Wrong – December 11, 2018
- A KHunt By Any Other Name Is Still a KHunt – December 8, 2018
- Your “Let’s Get Stuffed” Friday Evening Open Thread – December 7, 2018
[The Outskirts of Las Vegas, Nevada, 7:38am]
tWBS guides the van past the last completed housing development on this particular road, then takes the next right, pulling into a development which was abandoned during construction as money and luck ran out. There are no residents just yet.
tWBS: This should do.
He drives to the furthest edge of the property and kills the engine. About 500 yards behind him, another van and a small blue hatchback, ease to a stop.
tWBS: OK, get out.
BeerGuyRob (on the phone with Litre): OK, don’t get out.
Litre: Ummmmm, duh.
Balls and Blair still listen to the open line, still transmitting from Leticia’s phone. Which still sits in tWBS’ front shirt pocket.
Luis: So if you’re going to kill us, just go ahead and do it already.
tWBS: I already told you, Luis. I’m not going to kill you. You know, you should listen. That gun you call a brain is empty. You hear me? Do you hear what I’m saying? The gun is empty. Considering how stupid you are, I’m amazed you found your way across the country anyway. Why didn’t you just hang back. Hang back. Why didn’t you just hang back, Luis.
Luis (seething with rage): I swear to God….if I ever get my hands on you…
tWBS (lowering the gun, turning it to Luis butt first (giggity) and handing it to him): You’re not going to have to, Luis. Here. Take it. You want to kill me so badly then take it. I guess I have it coming. But just remember this… (tWBS turn and faces away from Luis, and drops to his knees, his hands on his head) … You’ll always be the man who killed the man your sister really loved. And if you can live with that then I guess….
Balls (to Blair): Holy Shit. Good plan. I really should have trusted him.
His rage boiling now, Luis raises the pistol and aims it at tWBS’ head. He pulls the trigger seven times, and six times the sound of a gunshot rings out over the early morning air. The last was the click of an empty chamber.
Spur: Yes officers, I’m sure. It must have been my kid screwing around with the phone or something.
Just then, the sound of six gunshots rings out from a short distance away.
Spur: Awwwww, fuck.
Officer #1: Do you know something about that, Sir?
Spur: Gimme just a sec to call my lawyer.
[Door Flies Closed]
Maestro: Oh my god, they killed Kenny!!!! Errrr…I mean tWBS. Shit I’m still really high….BUT WE GOTTA HELP HIM!!!!!!
Maestro reaches his left foot across from the passenger seat and jams it into the accelerator pedal on Litre’s side. Litre, of course, is not expecting this, and the car lurches forward comically as Litre fights desperately to regain control. But the best he can hope for at the moment is to not swerve and collide with one of the unfinished structures.
tWBS stands up. He turns and faces Luis.
Luis: What the fuck?
tWBS: Did you really think I would hand you a loaded gun and turn my back on you? Blanks, Luis. They were blanks. The gun was empty.
A blue hatchback comes tearing up and screeches to a halt. Inside is audible….
Litre: DAMMIT MAESTRO!!!!!
…followed by a lot of giggling.
tWBS: Oh goddammit you guys!!!!!! … (turning back to Luis) … But look, this doesn’t change anything. Luis, listen very closely to what I’m about to say.
Vanessa: Oh shit, I think I took a wrong turn.
Balls (looking in rearview mirror): I think Vanessa took a wrong turn.
Blair: Should we go back?
Balls: No, she’ll find us. We gotta get to that site
Luis: Why should I listen to anything you have to say?
tWBS takes Leticia’s phone out of his shirt pocket and shows it to Luis.
tWBS: It’s recording live, Luis. This is Leticia’s phone. It’s recorded everything we’ve said to one another since I took you at the parking deck. It just recorded you murdering me in cold blood while I was unarmed. It won’t matter to her that the gun was empty Luis. Because you didn’t know that. Do you really want her to hear that? Now, she doesn’t know about any of this yet, and she won’t if we can come to an agreement here. But you should know that it is transmitting to my friend Balls, so there is another copy out there. Sooooo…
Just then, Balls comes tearing into the parking lot, behind the wheel of Dave. Jim is right behind him, still carrying a shitload of porn stars. Jim is having a good night. His radio plays…
tWBS: Sonofabitch!!!! I wanted less witnesses….not MORE!!!!! Does nobody fucking listen to me???????
Balls jumps out and runs to where tWBS stands.
tWBS: Why didn’t you listen to me? Why didn’t you stay back at the hotel with the girls?
Balls: I knew you needed my help. I knew you didn’t really want me to stay away.
tWBS: Ummmmm….yes, I did.
A gun cocks behind Balls’ and tWBS’ heads.
tWBS (whispering to Balls): Aaaaaand that’s why. I wasn’t finished yet.
Manuel: Turn around. Both of you. Your gun might not have been loaded, but mine is.
Balls (whispering back to tWBS): Shit. Sorry.
Balls and tWBS turn around to face Manuel.
Manuel: So, tell me gringo. Why don’t I just kill you both like we planned and take those phones and the proof?
tWBS: See that’s the interesting part. That’s why I wanted this asshole next to me to stay away. SO I’D STILL HAVE SOME FUCKING LEVERAGE!!!! See Balls…. I knew Manuel had his own gun. But no way he’d use it on me until he had to, and definitely not until we were out of town. By which time I could have stopped him from doing that by proving to him that Leticia’s phone was not the only one with proof which could put them in prison for life. But oh, by the way, THAT OTHER COPY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE NOT HERE!!!!!!!
Balls: But he didn’t know that until you just told him.
tWBS: Yes he did. I told him just before you tore into the parking lot unexpectedly. You see, for leverage to work, he has to know about it. I told you, I wasn’t finished yet. But now that you’re here, I think we’re both pretty much finished.
Balls: I said I’m sorry, what more do you want?
tWBS: I know you did. But you really didn’t seem sincere. Just like usual.
Balls: Ohhhh, here we go again. You’re gonna bring that up again?
tWBS: Well, it would just be nice sometimes to know you actually listen when I talk. Just to know you really care.
Manuel: Holy shit, you guys are gayer than us I think.
Balls and tWBS look at each other and giggle.
Manuel (raising the gun and pointing it at tWBS): OK funny boys, you got any last words?
Balls and tWBS look at one another and giggle again.
Balls and tWBS in unison, to one another: Dude, this is not where we left our cars.
Manuel: What? What the hell is wrong with you two?
Just then, there is a booming voice out of the darkness…
BeerGuyRob: Lambeau, Riga!!!!! GUN!!!!!!
Lambeau: Wait, whut? Did you say gun? Yeah, no. I love you, Dad. But Imma sit this one out.
BeerGuyRob: Lambeau!!!! Gun!!!!
Lambeau: Yeah, thanks for thinking of me. But I’m good right here.
BeerGuyRob: Riga? Gun?
Riga: Ummmmm, no. I think I’m with Lambeau on this one, Dad.
Manuel is startled and takes the gun off of Balls and tWBS and points it into the darkness where BeerGuyRob’s command has just been ignored.
Manuel: What the hell was that? Who else did you bring?
tWBS looks at Balls…
Balls: I already said I’m sorry. I’m not saying it again.
Panicked, Manuel begins firing the gun into the darkness, but hits nothing.
tWBS (whispering to Balls while Manuel is distracted): Where’s Leticia?
Balls (whispering back): No idea, I think they got lost.
tWBS (to balls): That might work. I’ve got a plan. (to Manuel) …You’ve only got two shots left Manuel. Sure you could kill us both. But not nearly enough for all of these witnesses. (to Luis) … Luis, Leticia still doesn’t know about any of this. Whaddya say?
Luis (to tWBS): Yeah. You’re right, Gringo. She’s not here. So she won’t see it when we kill you. Plus we’ve got all the proof. And none of these people here know who we are. We’ll get away free.
Balls (to tWBS): Psssst….. Great plan, dude.
tWBS (to Balls): Meh. Some work better than others.
Luis (to Manuel): Kill ’em.
Suddenly, Brad who has finally awoken, steps out of the van.
Brad: I know who you are. You’re right, the rest of these people couldn’t name you. But I can.
Manuel (to Brad): Pookie? You wouldn’t!!!!
Brad (to Manuel): Yes, I would. This is wrong.
Luis: Wait… Pookie? What’s going on here?
Manuel: I’m sorry, baby. We were going to tell you but…
Balls (to tWBS): Who the fuck is that guy?
tWBS (to Balls): No idea man, but this is getting interesting now.
Balls (to tWBS): You think it’s just getting interesting now?
tWBS (to Balls): Well, more interesting let’s say.
Balls (to tWBS): I really am sorry about before. But in my defense, you often do fuck these things up.
tWBS (to Balls): That’s fair.
Balls (to tWBS): But it really was a great plan, dude. I should have stayed back. I really am sorry.
tWBS (to Balls): See? Now that’s all I needed to hear.
Balls (to tWBS): Wow, we really do sound gay sometimes.
tWBS (to Balls): Yeah, true enough. But we have fun.
Balls (to tWBS): True.
Brad: Yes, Luis it’s true. I’m sorry, but Manuel and I are in love. (turns to Manuel) … But if you do this, if you kill these men? Then you’re not the man I thought you were. I will not cover for you and I’d never forgive you.
tWBS (to Balls): OK, we’re suddenly not the gayest ones here again. So we got that going for us.
Balls (to tWBS, suppressing laughter): Dude!!!! STFU!!!
Luis: I’ll get you for this Manuel. You too Brad.
Balls (to tWBS): Hey, at least he hates us less now.
Manuel turns and points the gun at Luis. Suddenly there is another booming voice out of the darkness. This one is no less authoritative, but much higher pitched.
I Will Dye Blonde: Lambeau!!! Riga!!!!! Go, go….get your ball!!!!!!!!
IWDB heaves a perfect throw. As it sails thru the air, both Lambeau and Riga begin running, tracking it in the air.
Lambeau: Now we’re talking!!! Ball! Ball! Ball!
The ball flies true, and hits Manuel square in the forehead. He takes the gun off of Luis and begins spinning, looking for the direction from where the ball came.
Brad: Baby, just put the gun down.
Luis: On my life…. I’ll get you both.
Suddenly, out of the darkness, two dark and hairy shapes fly. They both converge on the ball and knock Manuel off his feet as they begin vying for possession of it. The gun flies out of his hand.
Just then, a line of 4 police cruisers pulls into the unfinished housing development, lights and sirens. Everyone freezes.
tWBS (to Balls): Shit, I forgot about those guys.
Balls (to tWBS): Yeah, me too. Got any great plans now?
tWBS (to Balls): Yep.
tWBS walks over to the spot where Manuel’s gun has landed. He picks it up.
tWBS: Hey Luis. Cops almost here. We need to come to an agreement here and get our stories straight.
Luis: Fuck you, Gringo. I will kill you, just not today. (turns to Manuel and Brad) … And I’ll get both of you too. Eventually.
tWBS (tossing gun to Luis): Then why wait?
Balls: WTF??? Dude!!!!!!
tWBS: Two bullets in there Luis. Four of us you want to kill. You’re gonna have to make some choices here. Quickly.
The police cruisers come to a halt and several officers jump out and take cover behind their cars.
Police Officer on Bullhorn: You with the gun. Drop it now.
tWBS: Come on Luis. You can still get one shot off.
Luis raises the gun and points it at tWBS’ head. He pulls the trigger.
Just then, a round of gunfire erupts from behind the now parked police cruisers. Luis’ torso explodes as the shots tear into him.
Balls watches as tWBS opens his left hand and drops two bullets onto the ground by his feet.
tWBS (to Balls): Like I said. Some plans work better than others.
Balls: Dude. You just tricked Luis into…
tWBS: You have a problem with this? Dude, he was gonna kill us.
Balls: No. That’s not what I’m saying. Let me say this a different way… You just tricked Leticia’s brother into committing suicide by cop.
tWBS: Oh yeah. Shit. I guess I should have thought that thru. Do you think she’ll be mad?
Balls: Ohhhhh, maybe just a little bit?
tWBS: Where are they, anyway?
Balls: No idea.
Next week: The Epilogue…