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Your Saturday Evening Reminder To Keep It Between The Ditches Open Thread

Beerguyrob

/

,

On July 4, Cardinals GM Steve Keim was cited for DUI in Chandler, AZ. Ooh Lordy – ol’ Rog ain’t gonna like this.

I hope Michael Floyd is having a good laugh somewhere, while polishing the Super Bowl ring he got with the Patriots.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-N_8SsMh5A

Please consider this your summer reminder to call a cab or appoint someone to drink Cokes all night. Plus, you can trick the drunks into paying for your gas.

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB: 7:00PM | FOX
    • depending upon location
      • Red Sox at Royals – Sportsnet
      • Dodgers at Angels
      • Marlins at Nationals
  • CFL:
    • Lions vs. Blue Bombers – 8:30PM | TSN
  • MLS:
    • Whitecaps FC vs. Chicago – 10:30PM | TSN2
  • Auto Racing:
    •  NASCAR:
      • Coke Zero Sugar 400 – 7:00PM | NBC / TSN5
    • Formula-1:
      • British Grand Prix – 9:00AM | ESPN / TSN
  • NBA Summer League:
    • Suns vs. Kings – 7:30PM | ESPN
    • Bulls vs. Cavaliers – 9:30PM | ESPN2
  • MMA:
    • UFC 226 Prelims:
      • Miocic vs. Cormier – 8:00PM | FS1 / TSN2

I’m selling beer at the stadium tonight. ENJOY YOUR EVENING!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

Does vimeo work here?

https://vimeo.com/278872518

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Mr. Ayo

Woah! it does!

That’s me killing my car 2 weeks ago.

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Brick Meathook

I was waiting for a flaming wreck with explosions. What happened?

0
Mr. Ayo

I’ll add the CGI later. Oil starvation caused the bottom end of the engine to seize.

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Brick Meathook

Did you have a leak?

0
Mr. Ayo

Nope. It’s a know issue with that car on the track.

0
Brick Meathook

You lost suction on the oil pump going over hills?

0
Mr. Ayo

Well not me. I’m not the one that blew up.

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Brick Meathook

The engine seized up?

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Mr. Ayo

Yes. The crank can’t be turned by hand. And there’s a a couple of new holes in the bottom end.

0
Brick Meathook

What kind of engine? (I see that logo on the steering wheel)

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Mr. Ayo

Details here: (2006 Cayman S)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Porsche_Boxster/Cayman#Cayman_2

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ballsofsteelandfury

Very cool video! Sorry about the engine.

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Wakezilla

I watched more of that Drunk driving video. At around 725, there’s a car accident where the guy with the dash cam gets hit and now I never want to drive again

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blaxabbath

From the Keim story,

The 49 wins the past five years are the most in any five-year span in franchise history.

9.8 wins is an exceptional era for ARI.

It’s a hundred year old franchise with 0 Super Bowl titles and just a few squads who were even legit contenders. Just shut the franchise down.

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Senor Weaselo

Would that be the seventh or the eighth Seal?

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blaxabbath

Why do joints have twisty ends and cigarettes are open?

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Mr. Ayo

/Checks knees
//Checks elbows

No twisty bits found there thankfully

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You mean hand-rolled? I have no good answer to this question. It’s interesting.

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Brick Meathook

I had an uncle who could, with one hand down, stick a rolling paper down into a pouch of tobacco, fiddle around for a bit, and come out with a perfectly rolled cigarette. No twisted ends, nothing sticking out, a perfect cylinder. One hand. Needless to say he was a World War II vet.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Uncle…Stick hand down…fiddle around…

Wait, did you rip this story off from The Who’s Tommy?

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Brick Meathook

Oh yeah, he’d stick that cigarette up my ass, but the point is: it was perfectly rolled

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yeah right

Hello.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZUQ59UjCR0

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So we bought a chest freezer for a garage and I am over the fucking moon about it. And that was before I realized that it’s going to clear up enough space in the regular freezer for me to keep martini glasses and beer steins in there permanently chilling.

2
blaxabbath

Your head collection is really taking off. Hooray for your trophies.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Did anyone here read the Dragonlance novels?

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Senor Weaselo

No, but I think we have a new entry to the genital naming list.

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ArmedandHammered

Years ago. i still remember the characters names but not much of the plot.

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ArmedandHammered

I still own the gold box games based on them by SSI.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So the character Raistlin is all fucked up from his magic trials and sees the world through a lens of distorted time, where everyone and everything looks like it’s dead and dying. Or at least that’s how he perceives it – not all skulls and gore or anything, more like he’s conscious of how everything is aging and how it will end up and can’t see the beauty in anything. I’m kind of like that with my first Manhattan; I can’t enjoy it as much as I should because I’m already looking ahead to the next one.

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ArmedandHammered

Um, wow. That is really amazing to me that you remember that info from a series over 30 years old and can relate it to a personal viewpoint now to really illustrate your situation. I am truly impressed.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Thanks man. My memory works in very odd ways. For example, I can remember a specific (and not particularly memorable) joke my friend Dave told me about from the show “It’s Like, You Know…” but I have at least once tried to tell him a story about an incident that he was personally present for.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m not sure if I’d particularly enjoy the Dragonlance novels now, but I certainly did at the time. It was like Robotech, in that a character that I actually cared about (Roy Fokker/Sturm) actually DIED.

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ArmedandHammered

Yep, I was just going through the names of the characters and the only one I could not remember was the barmaid who was part of the group. It was not a bad series and I remember enjoying it, but I doubt I could read it now.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Let’s see how I can do without looking things up:
Raistlin – mage
Caramon – fighter (Raistlin’s bro)
Tanis – half-elf
Sturm Brightblade – knight
Tasslehoff – halflingish thief guy
Kitiara – villain fighter
Lauralanthalasa – Tanis’ squeeze
Don’t Remember – Dwarf

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah, Flint Fireforge.

The barmaid’s name was Tika.

0
Mr. Ayo

It’s going to take more than that.

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Senor Weaselo

Exploding television causes house fire in Brooklyn? See hipsters, old technology isn’t always the best!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

I haven’t watched a NASCAR race in at least two years (killed by Brian France; what a useless, incompetent jerk-off), but, I feel like I didn’t waste my time tuning in tonight.

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Mr. Ayo

I spend one day outside and EVERY sporting event is spoiled before I get to watch.

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Redshirt

First win. Good for him.

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WCS

Always good to see a guy win for the first time, especially over a bunch of guys who’ve won an assload before.

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Mr. Ayo

NOW that I’ve caught up, agreed.

1
Brick Meathook

The best ice cream is real vanilla ice cream. Cream, sugar, and vanilla beans, served by a girl with great big tits.

All the other ice cream flavors are good, but they are really for people who are dead inside and only respond to exagerrated stimuli, such as electric shocks or elaborate ice cream. Speaking of coffee, black drip coffee made in a machine endorsed by Joe DiMaggio is the only acceptable coffee beverage. All other methods are for people who are dead inside.

3
Mr. Ayo

You must be a huge fan of spicy foods too.

1
blaxabbath

“The best spice is baking soda!”

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Brick Meathook

Spicy foods are for dead people who attempt to “taste” things as the living do. These people sleep in graveyards each night, rising at dawn each day to continue the charade for eternity.

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Senor Weaselo

That’s cute, he thinks I sleep at night, and not on a time schedule that would be perfect for Hawaii.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I see there’s a fellow iZombie fan here!

/but seriously it’s a fun show

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Senor Weaselo

If the ice cream is not in a bowl and between the aforementioned great big tits that’s a tragic waste, right? Asking for hypothetical reasons.

1
Wakezilla

Andy Dalton?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[frowns, looks down at electrical cables hooked up to own genitals]

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also, regarding coffee would a machine endorsed by John DiMaggio be acceptable?

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Senor Weaselo

Is there a Bender coffee-maker? Brew my shiny metal ass!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There is not, to my knowledge. There’s the episode where Fry drank 100 coffees and broke into that crazy overcaffeinated trance state, but that’s it.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If there was, I assume blackjack and hookers would be involved somehow.

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Brick Meathook

No, and not Vince or Dom either. Marilyn Monroe can serve real vanilla ice cream.

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Redshirt

My God. No one showed up to Flag Football on NFL Network. That’s not figurative, that’s literal.

2
Senor Weaselo

They’re going to get a 1 rating. 1, as in one person. Just you.

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Redshirt

Actually I only turned in for one minute of a 3.5 hour broadcast. So I think that’s a 0.00476 share.

2
WCS

I think that’s actually in Yinzburgh. Of course, so are the Furries this weekend, too.

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blaxabbath

What’s the difference between fillet mignon and tenderloin fillet?

Also, are cooking instructions any different?

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WCS

Loogit Mr. Moneybags over here.

/continues eating raw peas out of a can

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blaxabbath

Justo getting it out of my system before lobster goes to record lows, thanks to the tariffs that have blown MAine out of 20% of its market (China).

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Mr. Ayo

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WCS

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Brick Meathook

I like the Chick-fil-A of pornstar with extra ooze

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herodotus450

Feel like they are the same thing, but filet just refers to steaks

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yeah right

The price.

0
yeah right

Actually filet mignon is a cut from the tenderloin on the tapered end.

2
...

Just read a tweet where someone says journalism shouldn’t be neutral but should be objective.

Buddy, I don’t think you know what those words mean lol

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Mr. Ayo

Twitter is our Library of Alexandria.

3
Brick Meathook

I ENJOY THE TWITTERS

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WCS

In the sense it needs to burn down? Agreed.

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Redshirt

journalists need to inform the public of the truth. If they want to give their opinions, that’s what the Editorial Page is for.

2
...

The very act of writing a story about literally anything is to exercise subjective judgment about which facts matter and which do not.

The absolute worst thing to happen to journalism is the pretense it can be or should be objective.

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...

I’ll add that by saying “journalists need to inform the public of the truth” you’re making a subjective value judgment about what journalism should be which will affect every subsequent editorial decision.

Again, this is fine, but it’s not objective.

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Redshirt

Agreed. If you focus on reporting everything and letting the public reach their own opinions.

If you’re a liberal and you find out a Democrat is doing something stupid or unethical, you treat it as if they were a Republican. Same vice-versa. That’s what’s wrong nowadays.

MSNBC/FoxNews freaks out when Republicans/Democrats pass a bill one sided with no input from the minority, but they don’t say a peep when the Democrats/Republicans do the same thing. Why? Because it doesn’t fit the message.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So apparently the Kepler telescope (the planet-finder) is finally out of fuel and is shutting down. A lot of people are of the mind that we shouldn’t waste time and money and effort on these things until we solve more of our earthbound problems. That’s nonsense to me, because along that pathway we’ll never reach the heights of achievement that we have. It’s kind of a communism/capitalism question. It sure would be nice if everybody was on an equal footing financially, but you’d never have cool yachts and hooker orgies that way.

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Redshirt

We should continue to look around for two reasons:

1. If someone’s coming to visit us, we should know. It didn’t end up very good for the Native Americans.
2. We should find another Earth-like planet, in case we need to evacuate the planet.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s unlikely that anyone who came to visit us would need anything that we have. I suppose we’d make decent pets, or could be a culinary delight, but as far as industry or materials is concerned it would be cheaper and easier to get/build things elsewhere.

More than evacuating the planet, it’s a question of forming hermetically isolated colonies that aren’t dependent on earth, and wouldn’t be affected when we inevitably blow it all up.

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Wakezilla

That’s assuming they use our concept of money

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Redshirt

If an alien society uses up a natural resource, they could come to our planet for ours. Water. Oxygen. Or even if their world is destroyed, they can just move in and take our own.

Also, the fact remains that since they traveled multiple solar systems, that means their technology would far exceed ours.

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blaxabbath

No. Those nice planets have wormhole-front property.

Earth is in the fucking Oklahoma of the universe and, like with Oklahoma, no intelligent creature will ever voluntarily step foot in this region of the Milky Way.

Fuck OK.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oklahoma is without question the dumbest state in the country. Nowhere else has experienced an environmental disaster anywhere close to the magnitude of the Dust Bowl, and yet those yokels still insist that global warming is a hoax.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not so sure about oxygen, but if an alien society needed water they could much more easily harvest it from asteroids. Chances are they would have little need to leave their own system for something like that, anyway.

Getting stuff off Earth is a pain in the ass, anyways – escape velocity and all that. We’re actually really lucky – getting things off super-earths is much harder, and if alien life existed would make launching satellites and such MUCH more expensive and difficult than it is for us.

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Senor Weaselo

To Serve Man…

2
Wakezilla

There are lots of earth like planets. Problem is, we don’t have the technology to get those places.

1
WCS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HCYEoLKFgw&ab_channel=Tor-AndreasFitje

I want, nay, demand to see the outtakes for this scene.

1
Redshirt

I’ll add it to different versions of Infinity War but with the fake scripts. They can release it like Clue.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SRd55I46th8

4
Redshirt

If your out on the roads, remember Defensive Driving: driving with the belief that everyone is a nearsighted psychopath.

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Wakezilla

This mentality has saved my life countless times on the road

2
...

I haven’t posted much here lately, but I think the comment section layout is finally in its best possible form and I like it a lot.

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Aw, it likes you too and is happy to see you back! It appreciates that you noticed that it’s been going to the gym regularly this year.

4
Mr. Ayo

Flattery will get you nowhere with this lot.

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blaxabbath

Don’t thank me, thank…..THE ROD!

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hey is true that the banner image is a still from the upcoming family-friendly remake of Bad Lieutenant?

0
Wakezilla

I had to turn off the drunk driver video off after 2 minutes. It was giving me anxiety. lol.

I still contend we could cut down on drunk driving if the person had to have a letter (think the new driver sign) and a sticker on their license plate for 2 or 3 years.

However, it’ll never happen as politicians get DUIs, so that won’t fly.

2
herodotus450

Some states make you get a special license plate, a collection of scarlet letters if you will, for getting a DUI. But I think it’s only after your third DUI that it’s on the table.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jesus, they still let people drive after 3 DUI’s?

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Is it three separate DUI’s, or can you get them all at once if you blow triple the limit?” – Justin Blackmon, looking to hit a career milestone

3
Redshirt

Ohio forces DUIers to get yellow plate with red print on their cars.

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Senor Weaselo

Knowing Ohio I would have expected a blue plate with yellow letters. Or more angering to them, maize letters!

4
Redshirt

I think they’re saving that for convicted masturbators, assuming the Far Right takes over the state.

2
...

I remember the CFO of my former employer got popped with a DUI and it was quietly brushed under the rug and he appeared to suffer no professional consequences.

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Mrs GTD works for the local police department. She tells me that drunk drinking is all day, every day. So be safe out there.

1
SonOfSpam

Luckily, it’s too fucking hot to go anywhere except to the fridge.

3
Redshirt

If you drink, don’t drive a car. Arrange for alternate transporation home.

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

If memory serves correctly, I don’t think the driver got home safely.

1
Wakezilla

During my nuclear taek, I posted an image of what England’s starting XI would look like after the immigrants left. I noticed Kane wasn’t there and thought they made a mistake. Nope, dude is Irish.

Fuck UKIP and Brexit

4
...

I can’t root for England because England really deserves no joy.

1
Redshirt

Thankfully YouTube gave me a football fix by having the full games of Corey Dillon breaking Jim Brown’s and Walter Payton’s records. Boy I forgot how special that ’97 Bengals team was when Boomer Esiason took over. It too bad they waited too long to put him in. I’m not saying they were equal to the Broncos and Packers, but that was a different team with a do-not-go-gentle Esiason instead of a punch-drunk Jeff Blake. If they snuck in there with 9-7, it would’ve been one hell of a way to retire.

Also, I forgot how bad the ’00 Bengals are. Seriously, if the time-space continuum took the entire ’00 Bengals minus Corey Dillon and burped them into Cleveland last year, the ’17 Browns would defeat the ’00 Bengals by double-digits. It pains me that Dick LeBeau’s only shot as a coach was with Bengals. I would’ve happily accepted an entire decade of Steelers Championships only if LeBeau gets at last one of those as a HC.

Also (by extension), how bad was the ’00 Broncos. You know the Bengals can’t make a pass on a drunk college girl while holding a pile on money. How do you let Dillon run for 278 and the Bengals run for 405? Hell, Scott Mitchell can’t run faster than a snail and he ran for 15 on a 3rd and long.

1
Wakezilla

Corey Dillon was an underrated gem. I’m glad he got a ring with the P*ts, even if every 3 seconds someone would say Dillon was never good and came out of nowhere

3
Redshirt

Who the f*** said Dillon was never good?! From 1998-2000 he was single-handedly responsible for at least 8 out of 11 Bengals wins. And he had no QB and no line!

1
litre_cola

Are you disrespecting Akili Smith?

3
Redshirt

No, no, no. Akili Smith disrespected himself plenty.

4
litre_cola

He was a great pickup by the Stampeders up here……

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You can’t spell ‘underrated gem’ without ‘underage’.” – Mark Chmura

1
herodotus450

I think the foreign nation that’s actually controlling trump is Ireland. They want a wall to shut down our import of Tequila from Mexico and replace it with whiskey, and they’re LAUGHING all the way to the bank. Or all the way to the underside of their mattresses, since I don’t think Ireland has banks.

5
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Doesn’t Ireland have that place with all the troubles, what’s it called, the West Bank?

3
herodotus450

Remember when Ezekiel Elliot was suspended before and despite no criminal or civil charges being filed? Because even the investigation was “bad for the nfl” or some such? So why is the nfl “gathering evindent” or whatever and not just assumed guilty and punished without a trial?
/Oh well, it’s just the NFL, who cares right? Not like a prominent politician uses nfl issues to rally his base of morons….

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