The reigning Heisman winner and latest number one overall draft pick is a Cleveland Brown. This is not news, provided you are somebody who does not spend every Sunday talking about how you don’t even watch the NFL anymore, is Brett Favre still in the league? Despite being perceived as undersized and a bit of the hothead, the young stud earned high marks for his mobility, ability to accurately hit all parts of the field with consistency, and a weird, Jim Harbaugh brand of rabid leadership. However, it appears that, much like every previous Cleveland QB, the kid makes terrible decisions. Exhibit A: He bought a goddamn RV.

What is an RV? It’s a goddamn money pit, that’s what. You’re talking about spending upwards of $100K, depending on the model and options, that will depreciate by half in the first six years. You’re throwing your savings away, you idiot. But then again, you probably already know that. Let’s assume that you’re as socially secure as our man Baker (and Tyrod) here. You’ve got bank. What does an RV represent? For some, freedom. For others it means that your vacation has become the part where everybody is cooped up in traffic. It seems like a nightmare to me, knowing that my vacation is going to be spent hauling an automobile the size of a Navy Crusier, watching weeks spent at the office being pissed away at every gas station, and knowing that I’m not going to Europe, or the South Pacific, but going back to Florida (It’s always Florida) year after year. Earlier this year, Camping World offered everybody who voted for the MLB All Star Game a chance to win an RV, and my first thought was, “Oh good. They’re offering me a burden. Perhaps next year they’ll just cut the foreplay and give me that damned monkey’s paw.”

But I digress.

Baker and Tyrod aren’t using this as a chance to cruise around Northeast Ohio. From what I understand it’s just parked by the training camp as a QBs only fort. The media is not allowed in that RV. Hue Jackson is not allowed in that RV.  Bernie Kosar would very much like to be in that RV, but he’s not on the roster, so it’s back to the youth hostel for him.

That leaves us with nothing but speculation about what goes on in that RV. So what do we know?

Well first of all, she’s a beaut. We’re talking about a Class-C Sunseeker from Forrest River. Not too shabby. No, it’s not a Class-A model which will set you back quite a bit more, but she’s got plenty of features for the two QBs. Can fit an average sized family nicely, but might be a bit tricky to handle. Now from the looks of it, they’re working with a 3010DS model.

We’re talking about a full queen sized bed in the back, with the option for another 60”x80” mattress above the cab. It’s got a U-Dinette, a sofa, an LED TV, toilet, shower…everything  you could want. I do want to point out to Josh Gordon that that box on the layout is marked “REFER”  for the fridge, and not “REEFER,” where I imagine he might keep the devil’s lettuce.  We’re talking about a primo machine, is my point, and even though I ain’t about that life, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that it doesn’t have its appeal.

Let’s take a photo at what it all looks like when it comes together.

That’s not bad, man. Tasteful. Functional. Plenty of room. You could do worse is my point. What kind of counter tops are those? Anybody know? I’m asking. Looks kind of heavy. That added weight will show up at the gas pump, believe you me.

Does it compare to the Ultimate Behemoth?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_gFj11nX-g

No. Again, that’s an overstuffed, double decker Class-A, and to my knowledge, this does not have its own dedicated satellite, but I have to think that a part of that is Baker showing some humility. Sure the kid’s got bank. Going number one will do that, but he knows he’s just a rookie. Gotta put in the reps.

I wanted to know a little more about the pricing, so I called up my local dealer, Glenn Babcock who immediately laughed off my having seen it listed for $98K online.

“Sure. That’ll get you in a Sunchaser. Unless you want doors on that puppy. Or maybe something like a steering wheel. If somebody comes into my office, I’ll tell them that I’m going to do them right, and tell them that I can probably get away with $1,000 a month over 120 months- that’s a 10 year term.”

He can hear me grunt over the phone, and lets out a laugh. He asks me how old I am and says I probably think I’m too young for an RV. I have to let him know that I agree, and he asks me about my family situation.

“You’ve got a daughter and you live in New York? Man, don’t know if I could do that.”

Pretty soon we’re just shooting the breeze over the phone. Glenn’s a pretty good guy. Turns out he’s a big Yankee and Giants fan. Says he was at the stadium when Dave Righetti tossed a no-hitter and texts me over pictures of a signed Jessie Armstead helmet. It even had a couple of scratches, so you know it was game used.

Then before I know it, he’s asking me how I’d like to take my wife and daughter out on the road every summer, just to get away from it all. Starts suggesting that it could become part of the family routine. I had to admit, it sounded kind of nice.

“Tell you what I can do, because I know you’re a young father. How about $833 a month over 10 years? Now think about that, I’m knocking off $20K, right there. Barely making my nut on this deal. But I do it, because I’m thinking about boys when they take over the business. 20 years down the line, I’m hoping I’ve made a friend and you’re hitting them up.”

It sounds pretty damn good. Lord knows I’m still prejudiced against the idea of an RV, but maybe part of that is because I never fully pictured myself in a goddamn Sunchaser. Of course my wife, who hadn’t heard any of this and really doesn’t know what she’s talking about, slaps the phone out of my hand and cuts up my credit card.

She’s right, of course. She’s always right. I was just getting a price for the article, and that damn vampire sank his teeth right into me. They’re good, man. They’re real damn good.

So now we have an idea what it looks like. But what goes on in there? Is it classic team building work. I don’t know. Maybe. But make no mistake, Tyrod isn’t here to just hand his job over to Baker. The man’s paid his dues, and whether or not you think he’s going to end up being the starting QB at the end of the season (He won’t), he’s not here to mentor. Nobody graduates from the NFL. Young rooks gotta earn it. So I don’t know if they’re eating much tape.

Perhaps the RV is simply a way to separate themselves from the stench that is the Cleveland Browns. Let’s face it, this team is not merely on an 0-16 run. Hell, they aren’t even on a 1-31 run. They lost the past four games of the 2015 season as well, so they’re on a 1-35 run. In the NFL. That hardly seems possible. Granted a lot of the changeover did take place after those first four losses, so Hue Jackson has a much more palatable winning percentage of .031, but even still, it would seem that a QB who wants to stay in the league might want to minimize their exposure to that…culture. Baker and Tyrod have so much to live for. And by making it a two-man sanctuary, they can avoid having the diva label tossed about in their direction.

Of course this is Cleveland, and we’re talking about the Browns so I think I’d be committing malpractice if I didn’t point out the possibility that this is being used for druuuuuuuugs. That’s right, drugs. Bernie Kosar, Johnny Manziel, Josh Gordon. The Browns are indeed a family, and that family is predisposed to drug addiction. Is it weed, or are the two doing something more nefarious. Maybe they’re shooting up. God knows I might chase the dragon if I were expected to fix that franchise.

But that’s the thing. Nobody knows what’s going on in there. Maybe it’s a bang bus. Maybe it’s a dedicated space for L.A.R.P. Maybe it’s a place where they can hold hands and talk about the Before Times in the long, long ago (2007) when legend has it the one called Derek Anderson led the Browns to a 10-6 record. Sadly, there’s just no way to know.

Will it make a difference? Will anything make a difference? Could either of these men lead their long suffering franchise out of the dregs of the league and closer toward respectability, or do the colors run too deep for any man? Can destiny be changed? Maybe they know it can’t. Maybe both of these men know that no matter how hard they work, how much they want to believe, they are still doomed. Maybe they’re just getting ready for retirement.