An Open Thread for Wednesday – A Tale of Magic and Wonder

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Webmaster: Dick Joke Blog at Evil Corp
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle.Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski.They have no children, but do have the world’s cutest dogs.
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

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OK, I lied.  There’s no tale of wonder and/or magic here.  It’s a random-assed Wednesday in August.  The most exciting thing in sports tonight is…ummmm… the Women’s World Cup?  Holy Hell, how did I end up volunteering for this?

Anyhoo, let’s talk about something vaguely football related today.

I saw where The Ringer made Aaron Rodgers Commissioner For a Day. While that seems like a fun idea, I wanted to try my hand at solving the thorny issues of the NFL myself, so this evening, I’m declaring myself NFL Commissar of the Evening, and throwing down some proclamations.

First off, we’re fucking done with the national anthem controversy.  I’m solving it right now.

When the NFL stops selling beer and nachos during the anthem and requires all of the patrons to stand and face the flag during the singing of the anthem, nobody has to stand.  Plus, do you stand for the anhem in your house?  Do you change the channel during it?  See, nobody fucking CARES.

So here’s my solution.  If players want to protest, great.  If teams feel that the players are not worth the headache, they can be released.  Nobody has to employ you.  Nobody has to give you a platform to speak.  You can be removed from a private institution (although with their tax-exempt status and publicly-funded stadiums, I’m not so sure how private the NFL teams should be, but that’s another discussion) at their discretion.

I would rather live knowing that I let players speak to power and punch up against brutality, so that’s my decision.  The teams can release but not punish players for protesting.

Whew!  OK, now for the fun stuff.

The catch rule?  Jesus, this is not that fucking hard.  2 feet down, ball controlled, catch.  It’s like the old definition of pornography – I like what I like, KAITLIN! No, wait, sorry, the old definition of pornography was “I’ll know it when I see it.”  That’s a catch.  Doesn’t need any more rules.

The same goes for helmet to helmet hits.  I want them out of the game because it’s fucking killing people, but sometimes it is unavoidable.  As a former terrible high school linebacker, I hit helmet to helmet a bunch because I wasn’t fast enough to not collide with other guys’ helmets.  The rule should be – “Hey!  That asshole tried to hit that guy in the head!” = Penalty.  Accidentally hitting a guy in the head when he lowers his head can’t be regulated.  My ruling?  The league should have a guy in the booth watching every play up close on film for intent to injure, and he can generate a flag.

Suspensions for off the field shit?  For fuck’s sake.  Susending NFL players for smoking pot is pathetic.  Who does it serve?  You remove players from the field for no reason.  My ruling?  No more suspensions for marijuana.  Now, let’s go get high in the OPEN THREAD

 

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle. Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski. They have no children, but do have the world's cutest dogs.

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ArmedandHammeredMoose -The End Is Well NighWakezillaSenor WeaseloIan Scott McCormick Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“DAMN IT!”

Wakezilla

Shades of Shy Ronnie

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

“Forsooth, His Majesty Plaxico of Buress hath stabbeth himself in the leg.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is pretty fucking good.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Coming from you, I take that as high praise.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Squire Ray of House Lewis exclaimith “I can proclaimeth my soul is innocent for this incident at the very least.”

Ian Scott McCormick

I once told my wife a story about a coworker whose son caught her dad watching porn. She told him that it wasn’t a big deal and pretty much every adult watches porn. My wife said she doesn’t and I almost spit up (I wasn’t even drinking). I said come on, you’ve never watched porn. She said not on her own. One time it was on at a bachelorette party, but it wasn’t her thing. I said “Oh I don’t believe you,” and she asked me if I watched porn, and I told her “No.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*No, [I am not watching it at this minute.]

Does she read “romance” novels or really like rom-coms? Porn is about fantasy, right? How ones creates that fantasy……

She gets a lot more use out of her keyboards.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

My rule change would be if you’re a racist narcissist asshole owner, you get chucked into the gulf of mexico

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

PROCLAMATIONS OF DAY 1 OF THE GLORIOUS THEOCRACY OF POPE MAYHEM THE FIRST:
1. Foxborough Delenda Est
2. All domed stadiums to be summarily undomed. If you can’t play outdoors, you can’t play.
3. No anthems. All games shall commence with a rousing chorus of one of the following:
a. “Roll Out The Barrel”
b. “Sympathy for the Devil”
c. J Geils Band’s “Centerfold”
d. “Hurt” (Johnny Cash arrangement) (Cleveland Exclusive).
e. Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls”
4. Owners are hooked up to deep-cycle marine batteries during games. Personal fouls and losses by more than 7 mean the billionaire gets voltage through his withered nether regions.
5. Move all goalposts 10 feet to the right. Make change retroactive. Bills win Super Bowl XXV.
6. No, seriously. We’re going to knock down Gillette Stadium, toss Kraft, Belichick, Brady, McDaniels and Rodney Harrison on the rubble, light it on fire, piss on the ashes, mix the ashes with salt and sow the ground of Foxoborough so that nothing will ever grow in that unholy place.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

If I was commissioner:

1) The hash marks would be moved back to the wider college placement (the NFL moved to narrower hash marks in the early 1970s). This would open up one side of the field dramatically;

2) Return to 60-minute men. All players have to play both offense and defense; maybe the quarterback can be spared defensive duties but he has to do ALL the kicking. If a player is substituted he can’t return to the game for 15:00 game minutes;

3) If a player is flagged for a third personal foul in a game, and it holds up under mandatory video review or there is not definitive evidence to overturn it, that player is immediately beheaded by a guillotine wheeled out onto the field at the 50 yard line. All other players must stand at attention in ranks along their own sideline, each holding his helmet out at arms-length during the beheading evolution;

4) Naked cheerleaders with big ol’ titties;

5) Flyovers by six-plane formations of B-52 bombers escorted by stealth fighters and SR-71s at the beginning of each game and at halftime and at the start of each quarter and before overtime;

6) All players must not only stand at attention during the national anthem they must all sing along to it audibly. After the anthem, all the players will lead the crowd in reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

As you can clearly see, this will make each game super-awesome.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

I can get behind #4

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

I’m in front of that effort. But sharing is caring.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog
rockingdog
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I finished reading Guns, Germs, and Steel. It actually didn’t have all that much to say about guns or steel; it had a lot more to do with food production and linguistics. I still enjoyed it, though it did leave me with a fatalistic sense that humanity is just a passing phase that the earth is going through and will be done with soon enough.

Sharkbait

We’re the worst thing to happen to this planet.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not quite yet but by the end of our run we will have been. I just hope that another intelligent species pops up somewhere down the line and they aren’t as nasty as we’ve turned out to be. Slim chance, though, nature doesn’t exactly favor the meek.

blaxabbath

“Cuz the jews!”
-Senate Candidate Joe Arpaio

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The planet will be fine; we are the worst thing to happen to the current ecosystem….. and ourselves.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Must read, but yeah, not exactly a light, cheer-me-up type of book.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Wakezilla

If it makes you feel any better, he plays fast and loose with highly complex issues. It’s over-simplified, cherry picked Eurocentric history that fits his narrative and throws away the rest.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That book was approximately 300 pages longer than necessary. We get the point, you can stop listing types of grains.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

ALL HAIL MOST GLORIOUS LEADERMAN INTERNET DAD!

Excellent use of former Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s obscenity test. To quote the Daily Show, “Stewart spent the remainder of his judgeship obsessed with better defining pornography, finally settling on the slightly more graphic characterization, ‘that which gives me wood.'”

herodotus450
herodotus450

My rule change would be mandatory jersey and expanded field advertisements a la soccer. YUGE revenue increases, all for me and my new owner friends. What, you think this is about the game? You think your puny fan opinion matters?
[cackles evilly]
Security, have this man removed.

rockingdog
rockingdog

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nomonkeyfun

Commissioner nomonkey reporting for duty.

1. Like the rest of you, a catch is a catch is a catch.
2. Weeeeeeed!!!!
a. Relegation and promotion. College National Champs move to NFL. All players are exempt from draft that year, and one alum from each of past 5 years is returned to former college team, with a 10% bump in salary. Promoted teams choice as to who they get back. But, only one per draft class. Last place team goes back to play in college ranks, and loses a total of 5 players to the teams that lost in the promotion selection.
🍏 There are no ties in football.
🌮 Overtime rules are college rules for OT.
Purple monkey dishwater. If your stadium is built with any form of financial support from government, you CANNOT have PSLs, except for top 5% of seats.

Wakezilla

Being crammed into a public transit cart that is broken and everyone is shoulder to shoulder and it’s in the 90s inside the cart? a 1 star experience.

It gets 1 star because we almost had multiple fights break out

Sharkbait

Sup.

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: mama mia!

Senor Weaselo

So, she saw the new Smash Bros video?
/Castlevania hype

rockingdog
rockingdog

Had a long day in the hot sun at work. gonna have a cold drink and watch the movie RAD!!! and vibe out.
Thoughts?

herodotus450
herodotus450

herodotus450
herodotus450

GEOSTORM!

Wakezilla

Where ya going to put the vibrator?

litre_cola

Internet Dad for prez!!!!!

Not just the NFL, I like your level head. I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

nomonkeyfun

For the low, low price of $12. You can be a stockholder. I hear Univision wants to buy everyone out for $5000 a share.

blaxabbath

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LemonJello
LemonJello

I cannot fucking wait for Quotables to return.

Wakezilla

Commish Wakezilla reporting:

1) National Anthem dispute: I’d ban the national anthem and return all that tax payer money that the US military gives the NFL. I can’t stand the 10-30 minute military infomercial before kick off. Besides, the anthem being played is a Cold War tradition and one that is already antiquated.

2) Catch rule: A player has two feet on the ground and the ball is in his hands, we have a catch. If he drops it, it’s a fumble. Tough titties.

3) Helmet to Helmet: Gone. I’d get rid of all equipment in general. If that’s too drastic, I’d severely reduce/change the equipment. Current gear is more of a weapon than anything.

4) Weed is legalized. A lot of these players could use it.

And for Bonus measures:

5) We never leave for commercial breaks. Worst case scenario, we get a double screen (think World Cup 94)

6) I am reducing the exhibition season to 3 games and making 16 teams make the playoffs. Those who don’t make the playoffs are placed in a draft lottery. In an ideal world, I’d have the 16 teams that missed the playoffs play for the #1 pick.

7) Guaranteed wages

Wakezilla

Oh!

A single point is still a single point.

A 2 point conversion is now a field goal from 50 yards

A 3 point conversion is a football play from the 5.

And if the defense scores a touchdown during the extra point play, they get 6 points and the other team still kicks off

scotchnaut

Did I ever tell you about the time I was dunked on (THE ONLY TIME!) by a kid that went on to lead an international basketball (Under 21) tourney in scoring? No?

/Figures

Wakezilla

Lots of Demmycrats yelling at people who voted Green Party last night. Imagine, if all those green votes were just given to the blues, they’d only lose by a fewer amount of votes!

/Damn you Putin!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How about for kickoffs they punt the ball from the, say, own 40 yard line, and wherever it first bounces determines where the offense gets it.

Inside the 5: offense gets it where it landed.
Between 5 and 10: offense gets it at the ten.
Between 10 and 20: offense gets it at the twenty.
Outside the 20: offense gets it where it lands, plus five yards.
Touchback: offense gets it at the 35.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh! And maybe add an “onsides kick” circle where if the ball lands inside it, the kicking team gets possession at, say, midfield.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And the onsides circle is somewhere far up, like say on the receiving team 30 yard line or so.

tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

That is sensible but flies in the face of what the league wants which is no tackling on kickoffs. If they suddenly had kicks where people were forced to field them, then they’d have contact. But let’s test the manliness of these supposed athletes. If a kicker puts in in the first five rows behind the end zone, the offense gets int on the 20, next five, the fifteen, etc. Make these glory boys earn their keep.

scotchnaut

Interesting Fact: The Chinese character for ‘catastrophe’ and ‘Andy Reid visits a seafood buffet’ are exactly the same.

blaxabbath

Yet they sadly have no word for snow.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Andy Reid has over 100 words for gravy

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And yet only a single word for salad, lowfat, sugar-free, rice crackers, tofu, and kale: “NO”.