Your “It’s Friday. Let’s Eat And Drink And Drug Like The Champs We Are” Friday Night Football Open Thread

It’s shitty preseason ball and a couple of shitty teams are involved in this double-header. Call it “un-beautiful symmetry”, maybe? Whatever, my eyebulbs are gonna catch some action. One thing I’ve got an issue with is the fact that this is the first weekend that all teams are playing and there isn’t a single Sunday tilt. That ain’t make no sense at all. I know that we all have tons of beef with the NFL and many might say that this is petty nit-picking but it’s my nit-picking. It’s important to me!

[takes swig of Sleeman’s Original Draught]* Where was I? Right. Some of you Uber-degenerates might have a tendency to maybe, sorta, wanna, kinda post pics of the gloriousness that is the female form but are wanting for a theme. Well, I’ve got one but I’ve buried it deep within the game previews. If you’re very good at parsing, my subtle hints will send you in the proper direction. But in order to do that we must go… TO THE GAMES!

Falcs/Jetskis:

The ATL bounced back from the humiliation that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy to post a 10-6 record and a playoff W. All the usual suspects are back, having been extended contract-wise. Fans of the team with obvious boners are explaining it away by claiming that rook wr Calvin Ridley is a thing. Thoughts of him teaming with Julio tends to alter the blood flow to just below the core. Hardcore followers of the team are looking at the war being engaged between Logan Paulsen and Eric Saubert at tight end for the right to back up starter Austin Hooper. Those tight ends, whew! No matter what Sam Darnold does/doesn’t do this evening, #thegreatoverreaction will spill into your media feeds. Remember that time Truth Biscuit had that above-average preseason game and pundits/fans went wild? Imagine that multiplied by a factor of New York. That’s a formula that every baby would spit up in a tiny heartbeat. Btw, Teddy Bridgewater 2.0 will be testing the outer limits of patella-specific medical technology tonight.

Lions/Raiders:

The Raiders players (with the exception of tight end Jared Cook) will be a mere backdrop to the sideline shenanigans of a certain Jon Gruden. Will he grimace maniacally? But of course. Will the announcers butter him the fuck up? He doesn’t have to do this. The stakes are so high for him! He’s risking his LEGACY! He’s risking his REPUTATION! Of course. As far as Detroit is concerned, it’s unlikely that Chubby McButterpants will play at qb so that means that the tight end conundrum takes center stage tonight. Eric Ebron was cut loose and Luke Willson and his extra L was brought in to a team much accustomed to them. His under-average play at Seattle should give 6’8″, 285 pound Levine Toilolo an opportunity to be more than just the most intimidating strip bar bouncer of all time.

Let’s get at it, shall we?

*not a sponsor

332
Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
136 Comment threads
196 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
24 Comment authors
Spanky DatassWakezillaSenor WeaselotheeWeeBabySeamusballsofsteelandfury Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
King Hippo

put on #BFIB sound (laptop) for the Jest commercial break, they were talking FUCKING GOLF. Instantly back to NFLN commercials, fuck it.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

comment image
.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

comment image

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Wow, that’s not a good quality image. My bad.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Fronkenshteen

Teddy B!

King Hippo

Teddy Ballgame really ain’t that bad. He is who I wanted the Donks to target, though at the price, can’t argue with the Keenum signing (and he fits the Kubes mold, since he’s back in town).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

King Hippo

I really mean this in a non-dat’sRAYCESS!! way, and dunno if you hear this often…but you really have excellent taste in black women.

King Hippo

2 packs of sirloin steak strips (like 14-oz each) and one large can of tomato soup is like a super quick and easy insta-pot beef stew. Barely any cleanup, cooks in 45 minutes (probably would in less).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s not even remotely close to beef stew.

King Hippo

but it TASTES like it. The meat is all tender and juicy. And you can spice to heart’s content.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He stewed about making it all day.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Power is sexy…

comment image

I would do RBG…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

Oh my!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

All right, two helmet-first penalties in a row!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

King Hippo

we are TRYING to be the last (imaginary, but still) ppls that still like you, FOOTBAW!!

King Hippo

they are turning me into a caveman with these fucking helmet penalty calls

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

King Hippo

surely the Jest will remember how this bold, maths-based decisionmaking paid off when the regul….fuck it, can’t even finish the sentence

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I really hate Joe Namath. He is the shittiest QB in the hall of fame right? He has to have the worst stats.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Yes, but he won a Super Bowl and all that other stuff while he was completely hammered.

Style points count.

King Hippo

methinks playing in Noo Yawk gives you a 25% stat bump minimum. Only explanation I can give for Curtis Martin.

Plus, like Brick notes, a white ethnic drunk? Sportswriters can’t get enough of that shit.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Hardnosed, bang ’em up football TD! Jon Gruden has a chubby right now.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Beastmode Ate My Baby

You bastard!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

King Hippo

almost a first down!

King Hippo

and they go FOAR it! Todd Bowles don’t give no fucks!!

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Anyone else ever use Sync? I’m trying it out and (dammit Moose’s bun GIFs are distracting) finding it better then DropBox (HOLY SHIT! That’s a good one!) so far.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Happy fucking Friday; I don’t want another week like this last one for a while.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Beastmode Ate My Baby

OK, after playing around with my Surface Book (I), loading software, setting up websites, attaching printers, I can pretty much say GO TO HELL DELL AND TAKE YOUR CHEAP-ASS SECOND-RATE SHITTY TECHNOLOGY WITH YOU.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

Geelong- Hawthorn in 2 hours!

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Wait! Which much-less-dark-timeline do you live in? ‘Cause my timeline says three hours and ten minutes froooooom … MARK!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

King Hippo

me gusta!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

I need that sign.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sign?

ballsofsteelandfury

Tight ends are the theme, right?

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Today’s, tomorrow’s, pretty much every day’s.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

King Hippo

As I partake of my 7:30p cut of coffee (Donks mug, WOO!!!!), I remind all Commentists in good standing that both ends of tonight’s ass-to-ass doubleheader, plus the 7:30 am Premiership kickoff may not be required per se – but let’s just say Stalin strongly recommends, da?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Beastmode Ate My Baby

/watches everything on KH’s orders
//gets investigated by Mueller
///flees to Ecuador, dies in goat stampede

King Hippo

worth it!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

King Hippo

Time to see if the retarded guy is truly an upgrade at QB for the Noo Yawk Football Jest.

Someone page Our Lord.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Two UUUUUUUUGE GIFs; didn’t want to direct link:

h

ttp://giant.gfycat.com/DazzlingDeadAfghanhound.gif

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Faster Mooseycat, Kill Kill!

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s all on those two stupid drunk fucks….just rewards.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Yep. I hope their daddies had to pay a shit-ton to get them out of trouble and took away their customized Range Rover.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Should I call the cops?

comment image

This…this is a 311 situation right?

Fronkenshteen

“They said I had to let the neighborhood know I’m a Registered Sex Offender. Work smart, not hard. DAMMIT!!”

Redshirt

– “You sure you want your plate like that?”
– “Yes, ma’am. I used to weigh 400 pounds ten years ago until I got this pedometer. This thing saved my life.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Good luck; that IS a cop.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude
Fronkenshteen

Time for another season of Sam Old Jets!
comment image

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Picture theme?
comment image
NAILED IT!!!1!!

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Woohoo! The wife has book club! Wings, beer and football with no one wanting to discuss anything to disturb me! Gonna go and start cooking!

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Its a wonderful combination of teams I enjoy seeing lose…

1 2 3