Your “It’s Friday. Let’s Eat And Drink And Drug Like The Champs We Are” Friday Night Football Open Thread

It’s shitty preseason ball and a couple of shitty teams are involved in this double-header. Call it “un-beautiful symmetry”, maybe? Whatever, my eyebulbs are gonna catch some action. One thing I’ve got an issue with is the fact that this is the first weekend that all teams are playing and there isn’t a single Sunday tilt. That ain’t make no sense at all. I know that we all have tons of beef with the NFL and many might say that this is petty nit-picking but it’s my nit-picking. It’s important to me!

[takes swig of Sleeman’s Original Draught]* Where was I? Right. Some of you Uber-degenerates might have a tendency to maybe, sorta, wanna, kinda post pics of the gloriousness that is the female form but are wanting for a theme. Well, I’ve got one but I’ve buried it deep within the game previews. If you’re very good at parsing, my subtle hints will send you in the proper direction. But in order to do that we must go… TO THE GAMES!

Falcs/Jetskis:

The ATL bounced back from the humiliation that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy to post a 10-6 record and a playoff W. All the usual suspects are back, having been extended contract-wise. Fans of the team with obvious boners are explaining it away by claiming that rook wr Calvin Ridley is a thing. Thoughts of him teaming with Julio tends to alter the blood flow to just below the core. Hardcore followers of the team are looking at the war being engaged between Logan Paulsen and Eric Saubert at tight end for the right to back up starter Austin Hooper. Those tight ends, whew! No matter what Sam Darnold does/doesn’t do this evening, #thegreatoverreaction will spill into your media feeds. Remember that time Truth Biscuit had that above-average preseason game and pundits/fans went wild? Imagine that multiplied by a factor of New York. That’s a formula that every baby would spit up in a tiny heartbeat. Btw, Teddy Bridgewater 2.0 will be testing the outer limits of patella-specific medical technology tonight.

Lions/Raiders:

The Raiders players (with the exception of tight end Jared Cook) will be a mere backdrop to the sideline shenanigans of a certain Jon Gruden. Will he grimace maniacally? But of course. Will the announcers butter him the fuck up? He doesn’t have to do this. The stakes are so high for him! He’s risking his LEGACY! He’s risking his REPUTATION! Of course. As far as Detroit is concerned, it’s unlikely that Chubby McButterpants will play at qb so that means that the tight end conundrum takes center stage tonight. Eric Ebron was cut loose and Luke Willson and his extra L was brought in to a team much accustomed to them. His under-average play at Seattle should give 6’8″, 285 pound Levine Toilolo an opportunity to be more than just the most intimidating strip bar bouncer of all time.

Let’s get at it, shall we?

*not a sponsor

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King Hippo

Connor Cook, hopes to grow to be Captain Dingleberry one day

Spur
Spur

Folks! Spur is high on weed and music!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Let’s go have a whiskey.

Spur
Spur

Moose came to Vegas during DFO Con 2018. I’ll get you drunk

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If they let me out.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

anyone say homosexuality is an abomination, I offer you strong rebuttal

/pun semi-intended

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Oh, I see butt you did there.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Cassel is in his 14th season?!? Holy shit I am old…and he is shitty…

WCS

God, I remember when he was the next great USC quarterback under Pete Carroll.

King Hippo

was he ever? I thought he threw like 7 passes in college

King Hippo

oh snap, CasselVANIA!! Detroit is really ROCK CITY now

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I forgot the Raiders have not moved yet….

How is anyone showing up for these games?

King Hippo

still a great place to meet a new meth dealer

litre_cola

I got offered mushrooms in the bathroom there 3 years ago!

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Those were just ones someone pulled off the walls in the men’s toilet.

litre_cola

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

LOL Raiders

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Completed pass! Gruden is back, baby!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

NEVAR CHANGE, cheap-ass Oakland stadium.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:

EVOLUTION: Behold, the cat, the perfect combination of stealth, power, and aggression. After millions of years, I have finally created the greatest hunter of them all.

*I place a very small bell on the cat’s collar*

EVOLUTION: No! Stop! You’re ruining it!!!

King Hippo

HISTORY PRESERVED! FALCON DICK MOVE THWARTED!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

#JestHistory

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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I don’t have any idea what “K-pop” is, but I know I like it.

Redshirt

That may be an unacceptable image, but I’m going to stare at it for 15 minutes to be absolutely sure.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

h

ttps://www.bing.com/th?id=OGC.f709c871ddbbe44ebcee8cee7e8f5fcc&pid=1.7&rurl=https%3a%2f%2fs-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com%2foriginals%2ff7%2f09%2fc8%2ff709c871ddbbe44ebcee8cee7e8f5fcc.gif&ehk=8aAaBHyU%2bhXg89unwXfptQ

This is the most hugest image ever.

Redshirt

I’m being hypnotized…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

DON’T STAIR AT THE SUN TOO LONG!

*Korean Sun joke in there somewhere.

Redshirt

모든 우박의 가랑이 마스터
모든 우박의 가랑이 마스터
모든 우박의 가랑이 마스터

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What ever a “Bambino Hadam” is……. I seem to by hypnotized! HYPNO-CROTCH HAS ME IN HER GRASP!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

ALL HAIL HYPNO-CROTCH!
ALL HAIL HYPNO-CROTCH!
ALL HAIL HYPNO-CROTCH!
ALL HAIL HYPNO-CROTCH!
ALL HAIL HYPNO-CROTCH!
ALL HAIL HYPNO-CROTCH!
ALL HAIL HYPNO-CROTCH!

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Me luv her for very short time.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

WHAT ARE YOU? SOME KIND ON MARATHON MAN??

Pisspour nanosecond joke.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

I did not specify any unit of time…..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I should not assume we are approaching the speed of light.

King Hippo

15 minutes until Fuck Liouns kickoff? But I want it NOOOOOWWWWW

litre_cola

There is some hot Bomberes v Tiger Cat action right now.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Think it would be noticable if I watched the Essendon-St. Kilda match replay in this theater?

ballsofsteelandfury

Tell them you’re Australian

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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“Jus doin’ some home repairs. You?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m at a screening of some science documentary. The good news is I have a beer.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

“A” beer? Dude…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

BFC’s one beer.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Imma need a reason to get up and go to the lobby.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

A natural redhead dyed her hair brown? Weird.

Spoiler
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fire%20crotch

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

I am alternating between confused and intrigued…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

Jesus. Even the sesame seeds look delicious.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Death…by sandwich!

Redshirt

I’m starting to think my brain makes stupid mistakes and I work better without it.

Fronkenshteen

How ’bout that Mixon catch-and-run for a TD last night?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

victim: “waka waka waka”

Redshirt

Yeah. He and the rest of the 1st string Offense gave fans something nice to think about. Its may be the Preseason but seeing last year, they didn’t score a TD, this is obviously better.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Rebecca Rittenhouse

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Lena Meyer-Landrut

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

That’s what I find amazing. Ladies wear dresses cut so low that you think they are a breeze from a butterfly’s wing flap from showing off the goods, but they hold in place.

That must be some tape.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

In my limited, thirty-years ago theatre experience it was gaffer tape. For the love of tender young actress flesh I hope a less harsh alternative has been discovered since then.

Redshirt

There probably is. With all the nude scenes and leaks, you think we’d notice some ladies with red, irritated skin on the inside of their breasts. Let alone them stifling screams every time they move or breath.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Double sided nipple tape.
Double sided nipple tape.
Double sided nipple tape.

*poof*

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

We watched The Reef last night. What it lacked in giant sharks and Jason Stathams, it more than made up for with real sharks and nail-biting suspense.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Rookie Dirt Cowboy Ronald Guzman has three homers in the Bronx tonight. WOOOOOO!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

Moose, what is a MOLF?

SonOfSpam

Moose Only Loves Felching?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It IS a good protein source.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

So it was an attempt to get someone to make an “O” face joke somehow.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

F YEAH NEW BATTLEBOTS!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I need to figure out a way to hedge my anti-Trump sentiment against investments. I put some of my IRA into a Dow Jones index ETF today figuring I won’t mind all that much if it stays flat, but I’d like something better. Is there a way I can bet a bunch of money against impeachment?

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Strippers and blow in Vegas is my usual investment advice.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Mass shooting…play heavy in gun manufacturers…no mass shootings…sell.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I did that with Smith & Wesson a number of years back; actually worked.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Tell me about it. Now that Scott Pruitt left the EPA I’m gonna have to move all my money out of Stripmining Inc.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Murder?

Sorry, just the first thing to come into the ol’ brain pan.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

It seems like the Futurama Suicide Booth gif has been used much more frequently here and elsewhere on these interwebs over the last twenty or so months. Seems like the manufacturer of an IRL booth would be a good investment. Either that or Grab Her in the Pussy Inc.
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Darnold’s head looks it is made up of Legos.

Fronkenshteen

Annual NFL-Erection: Achieved

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Bonus round – getting to see the infinite sadness of the Matt Schaub 2-minute drill!

King Hippo

#BFIB chased the Dirt Chefs starter in the 2nd fookin’ inning. Those guys are just liquid ass. More so than the regular Chefs in January, even.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

Evening. We broke an all time heat record here today. It isn’t Phoenix hot but no one has A/C so you can really feel it!

Are the Jests going to have signed Teddy then release him before the season starts?

King Hippo

you will like tomorrow morning’s opener, imaginary buddy-guy

litre_cola

I am very fucking excited my internet friend.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

No AC sucks when those temps get high. We hit 103 here today. There was a wind, but it was a hot damn wind. OTOH, everyone here has AC, it being a desert and all.

Stoopid Chinese and their stoopid hoaxes…

King Hippo

sommet tells me the Jest faithful will forget how good Teddy Ballgame looked against the 1s now…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Bowles already has his mid-November dead-eyed stare going.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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JustStopDude
JustStopDude

I have just authorized a doubling of Tariffs on Steel and Aluminum with respect to Turkey as their currency, the Turkish Lira, slides rapidly downward against our very strong Dollar! Aluminum will now be 20% and Steel 50%. Our relations with Turkey are not good at this time!

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 10, 2018

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

On Monday, I have a group of customers from Turkey arriving to get training….fucking Trump…

Senor Weaselo

On one hand, what the hell are we doing, this is just making shit worse. On the other, fuck Erdogan.
/Gets a visit from the Turkish government
//They realize my heritage and then just kill me
///Deny it

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Damn moderation bot.

King Hippo

Did #MVMarp hit yet another goddamned home run? Well, do The Bearistocrats suck and fuck and shit all over the woods??

King Hippo

WRONG PLACE oopsie

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Got home from a short beach trip last night. I will give any Commentist member all the beer in my fridge to clean my fishbowl.
(Opens fridge to double-check on beer quantity/quality.)
I will give any Commentist member all the beer in my fridge AND a fifth of Glenmorangie to clean my fishbowl and fridge … fuck it I’ll throw in the fridge as well and grill some chops and brats.

King Hippo

nothing cleans liek FIRE!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

Krang is a great follow.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

*Looks at fish in a new light*
Nah, they’re too small to amount to even a grilled amuse bouche.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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MILF or MOLF?

ballsofsteelandfury

O???

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That was quick.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That scotchy football lead-in was almost as good as scotch

King Hippo

You would think he would run out of material after so many times, but noooooo

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

Hard to believe Peter Sellers was supposed to play that part, as well.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Is it too late for a Teddy Bridgewater-themed fantasy team name? Something like “A Bridge over Teddyed Water”?

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Grar? Ngh.

Fronkenshteen

I hate when the Jets look this good in preseason.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

5-11?

Fronkenshteen

I have them at a generous 7-9, with a bunch of close losses. They don’t quit, and seem to play hard for Bowles. Pretty Jetsy prediction, right?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I am just basing 5-11 on a great preseason, if they have a mediocre preseason 7-9 easy.

Maybe I should add some more data to my predictive thoughts.

King Hippo

It’s a shit division, the Bills could be real bottom feeders. 7-9 is not unthinkable.

Fronkenshteen

That’s what I came up with, too. I’ll watch a 7-9 team that plays hard, and these Jets seem to. Also, how can you not root for Teddy Bridgewater? A successful run for him would be the best thing that could happen to Darnold, you know?

King Hippo

yuuuuuupppppp

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Mike Ehermantraut Jr. on the officiating crew for the Dirtball game the the Bronx tonight.
(photo unrelated)
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