I suppose maybe other things are going on in the universe tonight, but all Commentist Party eyes will no doubt be on Donks WOO! taking on yeah right’s Vikings (9:00 EST, NFLN). New “thank Christ he’s not Trevor Siemian” QB Case Keenum was unceremoniously cast aside (after a career year he will never replicate) for…Captain Dingleberry? Oh yeah, also coming off a career year he will never replicate and with a crippling, fully guaranteed contract that just don’t fly in the salcap era.
In short, you done fucked up, SKOL, and it starts tonight in whatevs they are calling Stade de Mile High now. You want preview with potty-mouthed humour?
After the first two drives, the #Narrative will shift to a reprise of the saddest QB battle in EVAR, as the aforementioned castoff Siemian is now Minny’s #2, whilst functionally retar….Forrest Gumpian Paxton Lynch is still second on the Donks depth chart for the time being. Everyone in Broncos country wants to see #Swag Kelly, because (i) perhaps he at least knows how to read; (ii) won’t go through one progression, then tuck the ball and run Tebow-style (only slower); and (iii) just because he’s not goddamned Siemian or Lynch.
Even the Vikings’ 3rd-stringer, Kyle Sloter, was the Donks’ 2017 camp darling. I dunno, we prolly have a bunch of late 7th round picks now.
Though, sigh, as you can see from the featured picture, Cool Black Guy Coach is the only one at the Keenum roll-out presser who knows how to put on a normal muthafuckin’ pair of shoes. Did blind lunatics dress Elway and Keenum?
Philip Rivers and the squadron Spanoi stole from San Diego travel to Team Desert DUI (10:00), who I presume must host due to ankle bracelet issues. No live TV coverage unless you’re a local, which is irritating to those of us who’d like a look-see at Chosen Rosen.
In other crappy sports, FS1 has the Dirt Packers v. Dirt Falcons at 7:00, followed by MLBN with Dirt Raiders (for now) v. Dirt Disney or Dirt Iggles v. Dirt BOLTMEN! at 10:00. I shall be streaming #BFIB kicking in the Dirt Chefs teeth yet again, whilst temporarily enjoying the DH. HOT TAEK: MLB needs to expand to 32 teams, move to four 8-team divisions, with the NL adopting the DH.
There’s random Ecuadorian Lesser Footy on GOLTV, and if you’re a paedo (hai, Marc!!) feel free to tune into ESPN’s bizarre, wall-to-wall coverage of the Little League World Series. Please, don’t be a paedo, ok?
I am at a dinner at a co workers house of my wife. There is a husband here with a liverpool jersey and i have had enough wine where i have started in on his bandwagonisms. Also have had a sneaky edible and was way too high about a half an hour ago.
YOU HAVE SUCCEEDED IN YOUR MISSIONS!
“Oh yeaH? Liverpool’s never even produced a good band.”
you done a good. Tell him Hippo said to walk alone, Gobshite (and to fuck hisself, whilst at it)
I’ve worn my Bournemouth shirt multiple times in public with nary a mention.
I get the same results with my Freemantle Dockers shirt so your results may vary.
So the NFL has gone from “We don’t know what a fucking catch is” to “We don’t know what a catch is and what is a defensive penalty on an offensive player”.
Improvement?
take heart, tis only another way for the Shield to give games away to the fucking P*ts under the guise of “player safety” concerns.
I think the folk who screamed for QuarterPax last season are just about ready for him to be fired into the sun about now. Give us some #SWAG!!
I really could do without the NBC 9 news banner cluttering up my screen.
*Is old
I agree the hell out of this.
*Is older
Donks also have a one Paul Boyette Jr. who hits just soft enough to leave the light on for you.
oh that good
“gives the crowd something to cheer about”
/runs kickoff back to -1 yards longer than a touchback
Donks also have two Nose Tackles with the last name Peko.
Broncs have two Tight Ends from central ohio, and a third tight end who went to Ohio State.
the tOSU one is complete butt, though. Not like Butt, who actually is quite promising.
wow, Hippo needs a drank. Wait a minute, ah already AM DRANKIN!
Paxton Lynch, everybody
this is an apt pictoral representation, yes
/and not too far from what my actual car looks like at this point, after the asshole teenagers have trashed it so.
//plus like 211,000 miles, which I guess is quite a lot to most ppls
I wish that Josh Rosen worked for Mueller’s team cause then he’d be known as Deposin’ Rosen.
ah new it was a Zionist conspiracy! Probably threatened because teh President is such a strong supporter of Isreel ,, smh
If Josh Rosen was more like Pee Wee Herman he could be Exposin’ Rosen.
Denver is playing the dreaded “Movable Object” defense.
Now Diggs is making a case to keep HIM. I WANT SAQUON BARKLEY DAMMIT! STOP PLAYING AMAZEBALLS!
I would NOT keep Diggs
Glad to see all the Donks’ woes have been left in the rear-view
I got stung on the wrist by a wasp today. Fuck you you dead little yellow bastard.
How is Denver’s Isaac Yiadom even allowed to play on a Saturday?
You see him, and go how is he not an elderly man returning soup at a Queens deli?
“Back in my day we got 5 matza balls in this soup. Now, the Kaiser took away our…”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LxBGJsZIHQ
Oh boy…I did a mini tour of a couple of distilleries in my area. I finally made it back home with a six pack of tall boys.
I am pretty fucking drunk…
SMIRE status? NO.
gotta stick it into the Butt, Case!
Something seems….. odd here.
She’s pure white inside and when they’re done, she’s gonna have—-
[INTERNET CENSOR ACTIVATED]
Terrell Davis, excellent studio analyst.
Alas, a good farrier is hard to find.
Nice little Bradley Chubb blurb on NFLN just now, with some wolven logo moments. Dude is a weird cat, he and Von will really get along.
Keen’em’s sound like some kind of delicious-but-short-lived-due-to-a-salmonella-outbreak snack food
(earlier today)
Me: “Hey, DuckTales is on! After a long, mental exhausting week I’ve had, that whimsical cartoon will be a nice diversion.”
(cut to)
(we now cut back to Redshirt’s breakdown already in progress)
Me: WHY?!?!?
You don;t want to see the mass rape scene after the commercial break…
No, I saw that on “Rick and Morty”.
yeah, that would qualify as a “light” episode there
In my “Why I hate people” file;
Guice gettin’ Sliced.
I’m not sure I could attend a PGA tour event. The first time I saw a pack of those asshole lemmings running after a ball hit into the crowd I would probably lose my better judgement.
Do you know why golf crowds were invented?
So monster truck crowds would have somebody to look down on.
3-nil to the good!!
/oh and Hippo gon’ drank
“I agree!”
-AJ McCaron
A perfect distillation of why trump got elected.
Too many people didn’t vote. I guess I see it.
Too many people voted with their nutcrackers smhd
Khalil Mack: Just skipping the preseason because fuck it? Or serious enough to miss actual games?
nah, he’ll report to get credit for the NFL year
oh teh #BFIB got a 2-run lead, chuh chuh!
Dammit, I don’t get the banner quote.
My male duck is dead. And now the female is in a quandary looking for him.
Also, one of my nephews walked into my house tonight strapped with a 9mm pistol because he just got his open carry permit.
I’m unsure which of these things I’m more pissed off about. For now, I’ll drink some things, then decide later.
I’m sorry about both.
Thanks man. Me too.
The duck thing isn’t a surprise. He was a sickly little shit from the jump, and the female will find a new guy when migrations begin. Though she’ll probably never show up here again after that I would surmise.
But the gun?
I’m not completely anti-firearms. I own guns. But I am anti- “walk around in public with a gun on your hip because you’re compensating for….dot dot dot”. Even more than that? Don’t presume to walk into my house with a gun on your hip without asking permission. Homie don’t play that shit.
I’ll keep my mouth shut for now.
For now.
Yeah, it is not really the gun per se; the disrespectful attitude of not asking permission. But he does sound dipshitty enough to cause harm accidentally or in a panic. I don’t trust people who have had years of training walking around like that, let alone somebody who just got their permit.
I had firearms training in the U.S. military (specifically for sidearms) and 90% of it was how not to accidentally discharge the weapon into yourself or somebody else because that is a thing that can easily happen if you are a dumbshit. I wonder how much “training” is required for these permits? A multiple-choice test like the DMV?
I think it varies by state and, surprise surprise, southern states’ tests are usually laughable.
be not black?
EXACTLY
Don’t cause trouble, just discreetly tell him that next time you’d prefer he leave the gun at home.
That was my thought as well.
But I’m still very not happy about it. He and I will talk tomorrow.
He wants to carry in public? And this stupid assed state has given him approval to do so? Not much I can say. But put that shit in your center console the next time you roll down my driveway and don’t carry it into my house. Because you don’t need it here and it makes people uncomfortable. Get a clue ya dumb redneck.
Besides, trust me, my Mossberg 12 and my M1911 both make bigger holes.
ladies, don’t play teh footsie with THAT GUY!
Hehehehe….The Devil’s Doorbell. I will most certainly use this phrase in the future.
You know, if I ever find another girl who lets me near it.
[Changes band name to “Devil’s Doorbell”]
dang here’s an actual shoe you can buy
Les Claypool looks ROUGH.
I don’t own any tattoos, but if I did, it’d be of that guy with a tattoo of his face on his shoulder, on my shoulder.
Can’t wait to see the Vikings starting O line. Left tackle duct tape and right tackle bailing wire.
If Josh Rosen worked in a car wash they could call him Hosin’ Rosen.
What if he was an explorer on his way to the South Pole?
Dyin’ of Exposin’ Rosen? Nah, that doesn’t work.
depends on how close to Chernobyl?
I was looking for “Frozen Rosen.” Which would also be the answer if he were a free wheeling hedge fund manager who ran afoul of the SEC. The other SEC.
When his doctor has to perform a colonoscopy, and the nurse asks, he can tell her….
“It goes in Rosen”
Since he’s an MOT, they already call him Chosen Rosen
if he were a male model, he’d be Posin’ Rosen
If he had narcolepsy then he’d be Dozin’ Rosen
Also if he worked in construction.
Cause “bulldozer”, not because construction workers are lazy.
Though they are.
If he made an implicit assumption about the world or background belief relating to an utterance whose truth is taken for granted in discourse, he would be Presupposin’ Rosen.
If Josh Rosen won the Heisman they’d call him the first Jew to win one since Fred Goldman.
If he was German, he’d be Lederhosen Rosen.
Dog Cloning in Korea is fucking nuts.
https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2018/08/dog-cloning-animal-sooam-hwang
How else will you get a dish to have the same consistency in taste?
– Brown shoes with a blue suit is tacky and mismatched. Always has been, always will be.
– Never wear narrow trouser legs unless you want to look like a middle-school student or unless you are already a member of The Beatles.
– The only thing sadder than sandals are factory “distressed” men’s shoes.
LOOK OUT FOLKS WE HAVE THE ARBITER OF OF MEN’S FASHION HERE!
YOU CAN ALSO GET A NICE MATTRESS.
YER DURN RIGHT I AM
A pair of Tevas are the most comfortable things ever. Denying yourself comfort and practicality is…… ah, never mind.
Never wear a shoe that you can’t run for your life or kick someones ass in.
I fall under the former category.
I don’t have open toed ones, and have had to kick a drunk asshole’s ass at one point and managed quite well. Flip flops; a different story I suppose, can’t wear those anyway.
But I guess if you live in that type of neighborhood comfort is a secondary concern.
Brown shoes with a birthday suit is nice, though.
I once had to wear brown shoes with a navy or black suit (either the tan suit was at the cleaners and/or black shoes getting re-soled) and I felt like I was walking in the room naked.
Hippo is a Grade A slob, if it’s a faux pas bad enough that I notice, then one really ought not be doing it.
I haven’t worn anything that wasn’t sweatpants or shorts since a wedding reception 13 months ago. Welcome to the club.
yeah, workout clothes are the way to go. Just fuck the working out shite.
/strip club requires jeans, damn it
Isn’t it awkward when the ladies have to take the jeans off?
Now tell us your opinion on Huey Lewis and the News, Bateman.
I can’t wait for the underage Laotian prostitute ring scandal at Wisconsin to come to light.
I made out with a girl who was born in Laos one time. I only mention it because I don’t think it came up during my World Cup stories, and also because boasting about it makes me feel like a big stud.
You’re straight Durkin’ yo
Usually when you complete a tenure coaching a college football team, you’d like to have more Bowl Wins than player deaths at practice but hey that’s just me.
“Player deaths? Yeah, that sounds about right to me.”
– Brian Kelly
“Wait, as long as we’re talkin’ black players. Need to keep your leaders alive.”
But of course some moron in Kansas didn’t even realize it didn’t have the right number of stripes (nor, I suspect, would have any idea of the significance of the 13 stripes).
JOMO KENYATTA III NEEDS TO LIVE THO
If Josh Rosen worked in real estate they could call him Closin’ Rosen.
I look forward to Case Keenum’s inevitable regression to the mean and the ensuing Broncos fans react reasonably takes.
dude, we would fucking kill for a reliably average-ish QB. We have seen the fiery pits of post-PeyPey hell.
I mean Keenum’s mean, not league average
It’s about the same. Weird how some people get better at a job with experience though.
Will Mike Glennon see any action tonight though?
that’s a damned fine point. And what about those of us who have TOLERANCE?
/I mean, doesn’t apply to me anymore, but when I was in my 20s? Sheeeeeiiiiittt.
Glennon’s more of an ass man imo
He’s playing for his eucalyptus leaves, so you best believe it
So today Buddy did what was called “Durkin’ Off”
It’s when you masturbate until your penis bleeds and big, strong people scream “You’re a little bitch” at you the whole time.
can we banner this without getting on (even more) government watch lists?
u noe He’ll just get crunk and go on and on about that Magdalene chick again ,, smh