JV NFL 2018 Kickoff Posting

Yes indeed, tis that time once again.  Cheerleaders to leer over, prospects to scout, GAMBLOR to hail.  Let’s get to the #ACTION!

James Madison at NC State (Noon, ESPNU)

How does a match like this garner national teevee coverage?  Wolven QB Ryan Finley, soon to dominate Mel Kiper wet dreams, and leader of the Most Interesante 6-6 or 7-5 team in the land.  For the entire badass defensing unit (led by #5 overall pick Bradley Chubb) graduated to the NFL, you see.  People will boil alive in that stadium today, tune in and watch them die!

Oregon State at Ohio State (Noon, ABC)

The fecklessness of tOSU’s “punishment” of Head Coach “See No Evil” (she fell, okay!) will be quite apparent today.  Sparty’s scare Friday night against Team Secular Big Love State demonstrates why B1G athletic directors take no chances whatsoever in scheduling.

Texas at Maryland (Noon, FS1)

Watch this, or be a pussy bitch.

Ole Miss at Texas Tech (Noon, ESPN)

Hey, an actual competitive, interesting fixture!  I would even watch this one in October.  Probably have to stream this while watching my Shitty Wolves ™ on the big screen.  There will deffo be points.

Washington v. Auburn @ Megatron’s Butthole aka NO HOMOES CHIKIN DOME (3:30, ABC)

Another interesting matchup that could very likely be decided by West Coast team travel.  When in doubt, always bet on SEC West front seven athleticism.  Though I wouldn’t bet this one at all, given how much of a yo-yo side War Damn Eagle tends to be.

West By God Virginia at Tennessee (3:30, CBS)

WCS has to put his game face on early, as these teams meet fer the first time in EVAR?? (that don’t sound right) Pour one out FOAR Butch Jones, who these pages don’t have to kick around no more.  Sad Hippo.

Washington State at Wyoming (3:30, CBSSN)

You want Sleeper Interesting Game?  Here it is, as two Hippo/Litre 2017 betting talismans clash in Laramie.  Laramie is kind of a post-apocalyptic wasteland, FWIW.  Good for one’s sinuses, apparently.

Cincinnati at UCLA (7:00, ESPN)

I know nothing about either side, other than I hope to laugh at Chip Kelly and how much “gritty” talent he has managed to assemble in La-La Land.  Also, Redshirt and Balls need to make a side bet to keep things interesting here, night slate is kind of liquid shit.

Michigan at Notre Dame (7:30, NBC)

You know, the great thing about Lesser Footy is that when two asshole sides like this clash, one can always root for a Draw.  With lots of crippling injuries.

Middle Tennessee at Vanderbilt (7:30, SECN)

Oh come on, you know this will be fucking hilarious.

Louisville v. Alabama @ Orlando aka “Mr. Disney sez NO JEWS!!” (8:00, ABC)

Did the teevee folk expect Ville to remain good post-LAMAR!  Because, I have a surprise for them coming.  Especially given they weren’t particularly hot LAST year, once folk had FILM on LAMAR!  Over/under on puppies sacrificed as Roll Damn Tide builds 5 TD lead too slowly for Saban’s liking?  7.5

BYU at Arizona (10:45, ESPN)

Your first late night tweaker fixture is solid, as Bear Down FOAR Midterms hosts the Stormin’ Mormons aka Team Big Love, Original Recipe.  If this game goes into like 5 OT, won’t the magic undies crew have to forfeit due to the clock striking Sunday?

 

0 0 votes
Article Rating
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
Subscribe
Notify of
247 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Fronkenshteen

Hippo, you like that decision by JMU? I did. You think they should’ve gone for it?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

herodotus450

Two safeties on the day so far, that’s a safety worth of safeties!

WCS

Fuck Maryland with a red-hot poker (and this HAET comes from 15+ years of H8in’, well before their latest crap), and Texas can jump off a cliff.

GO METEOR

WCS

I’m not paying for TWWL College Version, but, I see the score online. JMU won the national title couple years ago.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You need to be more clear; we’re not sure where you stand on this.

Redshirt

Yeah, sorry Maryland. I won’t root for your anymore.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

herodotus450

ppl forget Maryland also beat Texas last year… Wait that cant’ be right, can it?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Redshirt

Yay! Go Turtles!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Does anyone know any really big and at least sort of athletic guys who might like to play D line in West Raleigh?

Redshirt

Not gloating, but Ohio State should try and put in all walkons in this game. Especially seniors. Give them a chance to say they’ve played in Ohio Stadium.

herodotus450

Wait there’s a pocket for punts?

herodotus450

OSU backup quarteredback already has a bunch of tattoos, so that’s one less thing to worry about.

Horatio Cornblower

Well, the recycling’s not gonna take itself to the dump, and the lawn’s not going to mow itself, so I’ll be busy for a bit

/yells at son: “GET OFF YOUR ASS, MOW THE LAWN AND TAKE THE RECYCLING TO THE DUMP!!!!”

Now, where were we?

Brick Meathook

If you had a goat it would mow itself.

herodotus450

UMD? is also my go to opening line on Doctr, the Professionals-only dating app.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Mother Puncher

I didn’t realize it was OSU’s first game when I decided I wanted wings. College football fans are inhuman

herodotus450

Not sure if OSU or OSU…

Mother Puncher

Sorry, tOSU. I hate this fucking state

herodotus450
Mother Puncher

The man next to me sat down in his buckeye jersey, asked the bartender her name, and declared “let’s have a fun time Bailey.” He high fives her after every buckeye score OR just anytime she takes his order.

herodotus450

Sprotsfans at a bar?

Mother Puncher

Sorry it makes less sense out of context. Buckeye fans are all hog humans.

herodotus450

Maryland and Rutgers are still winning! THIS IS NOT A DRILL,PEOPLE!

herodotus450

Meanwhile Illinois losing to Kent St.

Horatio Cornblower

Goals to Newcastle!!!

/patents T-shirt idea

Fronkenshteen

Boy, Corey Coleman got cut? Dallas or Indy ought to be ringing his phone, like today.

Horatio Cornblower

Dallas: “Thanks, but we’ve got Allan Hurns and Terence Williams. We’re good.”

Dallas fans: https://tenor.com/view/naked-gun-face-palm-funny-omg-oh-no-gif-5707607

Redshirt

Ohio St. Offsides by #2 AND Pass Interference by #1 on the Same F***ing Play Counter: 2*

* SAME DRIVE**
** TWO OUT OF THREE PLAYS

Horatio Cornblower

Clearly the worst offenses committed by Ohio State this season.

Horatio Cornblower

It’s throwback week at Darlington this weekend, so I assume they’ll be racing without seatbelts or HANs devices, and while hauling three cases of moonshine while drinking from a jug of the same.

Fuck it, I’d watch.

ballsofsteelandfury

That would actually be pretty cool.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Redshirt

What the… YOU CAN FAIR CATCH A BALL ON THE 2 AND IT COUNTS AS A TOUCHBACK?!

herodotus450

Inside the 20 I think you can fair catch

Redshirt

Looks like we gotta First to 50 game in Columbus.

Redshirt

What the… I just went to took a dump and the Beavers scored a TD? Bullcrap!

herodotus450

Pretty… ironic? that James Madison University is nicknamed the Dukes. The “Judicial Commission Papers” was right there for the taking!
/This joke brought to you by the Marbury v. Madison wikipedia page

theeWeeBabySeamus

From Johnny, to Bear to Shark?
M’kay.

Redshirt

I hope those PC History Correctors are happy! I’m okay replacing the rebel but replacing with that?!

Redshirt

If they’re following the progress in the South, they should’ve replace the Rebel with a Ghost.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

herodotus450

A little higher…

theeWeeBabySeamus

…or lower.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We can have both.

Horatio Cornblower

“Nice follow-through, asshole. Gimme that shovel….”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I wish some phlegm would have popped out or some chicken.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

Finley throws that TE slant like nobody’s business.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Leave the light on.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ryan Finley, motherfuckers.

Redshirt

Oregon State: “We’re driving against Ohio State in Columbus on the first drive. It happening. The real OSU is gonna beat those phony – OH SHIT!”

(fumbles handoff; Ohio State Recovers)

theeWeeBabySeamus

How the fuck is Reggie Gallaspy still in school?

herodotus450

Maryland AND Rutgers are both leading against teams from Texas!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’d kiss you on the mouth right now if you were here.

herodotus450

Loving the new sideline shrubbery that ohio state installed this year. A little odd that it’s only one shrubbery, about human-sized, with headset cables running into it. And all the coaches keep running over to it and look like they’re asking it questions about play calls.

Redshirt

My father and I were talking about the Urban Meyer thing and I came up with a good point: If Urban’s wife was told about the abuse, she is under no responsibility or obligation to report it to her husband as she does not work for Ohio State. Moreover, she probably didn’t feel like reporting it for putting stress on her husband.

But still, a suspension was required. Urban is from Miami-FL so his rep for running a clean school is questionable. His performance at Ohio State has been better (knock on wood), but you can’t change your past, you can only rebuild from it. Even if Urban didn’t know about it, once he learned about it, he should’ve been up front and candid about the whole situation. Any signs of lying or coverup makes you look guilty, and that’s the last thing you want.

Either way, this whole situation sucks. This coach was the grandson or Earle Bruce. That’s damn near royalty in Ohio State history.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That’s was a fugly 3rd down blitz by the wolven sort fo’ sho’.

blaxabbath

I don’t have any hopes for jv-Arizona this year because, if I had any at all, they’d be Khalil Tate to put up a Manziel-like Heisman year.

And that isn’t happening.

herodotus450

ABC going with the legendary one-man announcer setup today?

herodotus450

Oh no, a wild Greg McElroy appears!

Redshirt

If its anything like his NFL Career, he’ll saying something when it doesn’t count, mumble a full other things when it does and disappear by the 1st Qtr.

herodotus450

osu, osu, and osu should all play each other every year for the coveted ‘osu’ trophy.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hippo you lie. You do too know something about one of the the sides re: Cincy/UCLA.
Exhibit A….
comment image

Go Bruins.

Redshirt

Also, Redshirt and Balls need to make a side bet to keep things interesting here, night slate is kind of liquid shit.

Food bet or loser votes Republican?

ballsofsteelandfury

Now, let’s not be hasty.

Food bet it is! If UCLA loses, I will make and eat Cincinnati- style spaghetti with chili. If UCLA wins, Redshirt must find a health store with vegan “meat” and make himself a “burger’.

Deal?

Redshirt

Deal! I’ll even let you decide which #-way you want.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cincinnati_chili#The_“way”_system

ballsofsteelandfury

Ok, i’m going three way as I hate raw onions.

Horatio Cornblower

“Ok, i’m going three way”

No shit.

Redshirt

Hey! Don’t knock a four-way until you’ve had one!

theeWeeBabySeamus

NOW WE’RE TALKING DAMMIT!!!!!!

1 2 3