Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 3, 2018 Season

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Los Angeles Rams.  Kansas City Chefs.  Miami LOLFins.  One of these three is not like the other.

Yet all advanced to 3-0 this week, while the Minnesota Vikings got blown out at home by the historically bad Buffalo Bills.  I still don’t know how to comprehend, nor describe how that happened.  Captain Dingleberry made a few early boo-boos, Buffalo converted, then Minny basically stuck their head up their collective rectums the rest of the way.  Despite all the warts, this is why we love the NFL – it is tension and drama at its purest, because when you think you have something, anything figured out – you get punched in the face like this.

One notices that Odd Week Jaguras is absent from the 3-0 list, despite it having been an odd week.  I guess that is no longer a thing, as the offense that rattled New England to its core took a holiday this Sunday.  Erotic Smashmouth was back in vogue down Nashville way, despite playing a little more than half the game with a QB that can’t really feel his throwing hand.  9-6 Los Titanticos.  It weren’t pretty, but it counts all the same.

Revise my “it ain’t even close” as to the 2 best teams in the NFL.  The top tier is 3, and it includes the Chefs.  Yes, even with the Andy Reid factor.  Pat Mahomes is the real deal, and perhaps the leading candidate (in a fair vote) for League MVP right now.  This is a transformational, franchise-changing player.  Kansas City may not have much of a defense, but who cares?  As for the Tomsulas, Jeanine Garofolo shredded her knee, and the 2018 season along with it.  CJ Cregg will no doubt delight us with post-game presser quips, but she’s nowhere near the same calibre QB.

Not since the introduction of the salary cap has the NFC had such a runaway bully-type favourite as RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!!  They are getting everyone’s best shot this go-round, and it makes no difference.  If Pat Mahomes isn’t the best QB in the NFL, then Jared Goff (formerly dubbed Baby Buster by this very idiot scribe) surely is.  The combination of Goff and OKC Bomber McVay has been the very definition of synergy.  In the Battle FOAR LA, the Shitty Clippers never had a chance.  Though kicking a FG inside the 10, down 15 with just 12 minutes to play – that certainly won’t help matters any.  Learn some math, Anthony Lynn.  It won’t turn you gay or anything.

Now, to that third wheel.  Miami actually DID show some moxie today, stopping pre-Vegas on 4th and goal from like 3 inches out early (and already down 7-nil), then fighting from behind for like 3.5 quarters.  That’s good!  Of course, it was the fucking Raiders – even before you factor in the whole “West Coast side traveling for an early kickoff” factor.  A legitimately good side…should take care of business.  Miami surely fails the eye test.  But those 3 wins are in the bank, and we shall all hope they make it four next week in Foxboro (conveniently disregarding the fee-fees of our resident P*ts fans, since I am bastard man).

Some old warriors are still out there fighting.  Breesus Christ resurrected his Saints from the ded multiple times, sending them to OT at 37, then taking the ball downfield on a long, time-draining march to start OT for the game-winning TD.  He still has some magic left, but the rest of that team is a mess.  Salcap hell is a bitch, y’all.  Unflavoured Vanilla Ice Milk Falcons wasted a bananacakes career day out of Matty Ice (and Calvin Ridley) at home, one they will likely live to regret later in the year.  They really ought be 3-0, but 1-2 is what they is.

Give A.A. Ron credit.  He’s leaving it all on the field.  But he has less than zero help, and an idiot coach who left him on the worst pitch in the League in garbage time to take more abuse.  Green Bay surely feels worse about their mathematically pleasing 1-1-1 than #ThePauls do.  The less said about the Redacteds and Purple (Balls) Jesus the better.  I’m mad enough by default.

Denver hung with the Ratbirds in Balmer for about 25 minutes of play, and if not for a block in the back on a blocked FG return…who knows?  But special teams and turnovers aside, the Donks were kind of a mess on the road as expected, and the 27-14 Ravens win is about what I envisioned.  2-1 for each group.

That brings Balmer on Cincy’s heels, as the Striped Pylons couldn’t withstand injury troubles and a slew of turnovers in Charlotte, losing 31-21.  As feared, Gio Bernard could nae carry the full load without an owie in place of Beatie Mixon.  As Beatie goes (and his rehab seems to be going great, fellow ethically questionable fantasy owners), so do the Bungles.  Force Red Rocket to pass, and woopsie-doodle.  I still don’t think much of the Panthers, though.  Very ordinary.

Humps/Iggles was just a sad, sad thing.  Like a sofa cushion left out in the rain for a few days.  Dakota Jeebus came back to much Philly rejoicing, but he was…pedestrian and kinda stupid.  HODOR! did his “Alex Smith with less mobility” routine, closing with subbing out for Jacoby Brissett for the Hail Mary on the game’s final play.  I imagine too much will be made of this, as Brissett’s mobility AND rocket arm make sense, especially for a super long throw (the ball was snapped from the Humps’ 47), and HODOR! wasn’t a super deep arm even before.  But he’s been bad two weeks running, and folk gon’ talk.

Rarely will you see a less consequential, more forgettable 385 yard passing game than Deshaun Watson’s effort in a 27-22 home loss to the Gigantes (going from 15 to 22 with 1 second on the clock).  I saw it on the ticker and was like “REALLY??”  The 500s looked like ass, from start to finish, with Noo Yawk looking confident and composed, despite being 0-2 and having the ignominy of having just lost to fucking Dallas.  Saquon Barkley just might have a future in this League, if I may boldly go out on a limb.

Speaking of Dallas, they went to Seattle and got their teeth kicked in.  Zeke is a garbage time back, and DAK! has nobody to throw to and is thus regressing badly as he shuts down mentally.  Their season ended with the Travis Frederick injury, we just didn’t know it for sure at the time.  Perhaps the SeaTruthers can still at least be a shadow of their prior selves at home?  We shall see with more data.

Arizona took Buffalo’s lead and ran out to a 14-nil head start, but fucked it all away – despite Truth Biscuit having an absolute nightmare game.  Chosen Rosen finally got a change to play once Birdcano went behind (just under the 5 minute mark), but it was too late.  16-14, Bearistocrats!

Last and least, I have to watch the P*ts play the goddamned Lions?

Need I say more?  Oh, okay.  The Cuck Liouns very briefly became the Fuck Liouns, mainly by controlling the clock and forcing Dreamboat to throw to not-Gronk.  You paying attention, rest of non-Jaguras (who can just punch them in the mouth) NFL?

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

MIN @ LAR, this Thursday, Coliseum. Anybody interested?
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

You can see Jared Goff’s dead vacant eyes in person.

ballsofsteelandfury

Yeah Right should be all over this!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I seriously need to write a book called “Funny Shit My Mom Says”.
I swear this just happened….

Mom: When you go to the store, I made a list. I want you to make this Artichoke Chicken.
Me (silent but stifling laughter): [says nothing]
Mom: What?
Me (now laughing): You said I oughta choke the chicken. I do that almost every night, I just wait until you’re asleep.
Mom (looking at me like I’m nuts, then it dawns on her what I just said): You’re an asshole.
Me: Hey, it’s not my fault…. you’re the one that made me

Wakezilla

As fun as it is to see the LOLfins undefeated, they’re killing their chances at a top 5 pick when they inevitably miss the playoffs. Their offense is ranked 23rd, and that’s overpunchinh for that unit, especially with line woes. So even when the LOLfins are winning, they’re losing

yeah right

The BM show is officially starting in Cleveland.

Party accordingly!

LemonJello
LemonJello

BM show? Is there a large German population in Cleveland?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Yes

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

As fun as it is to watch this guy, I think he’s going to be killed on the field sometime in the next few weeks.

Fronkenshteen

Welp, meeting’s over. Rosenstein’s out.

Fronkenshteen

The sharps jumped on Oakland vs Cleveland. It’s already jumped up to -3 from -1.

Fronkenshteen

Next weeks line is NE -7 vs Miami. O/U 48. No money line numbers yet.

ballsofsteelandfury

The problem with the Rams is that the division is shit and they won’t get too many tough games to really figure out their level and improve. Once they get to the playoffs, they may run into a more experienced team and lose.

ballsofsteelandfury

Like last year.

Wakezilla

Never affected the P*triots at the beginning of their dynasty.

Besides, Rammit are gaining this experience now and have guys like Shields, Cooks, Talib, etc, who all have plenty of playoffs experience

theeWeeBabySeamus

Completely off topic, but I think my mom might have a lesbian crush on Giada deLaurentis.

I’m not judging, and I’m not saying I blame her. But when your elderly mom is telling you how pretty a girl is and (this is the clincher) what a great figure she has, it’s a little unnerving.

I gotta stop letting her watch the Food Network I think.

But as I said, I can’t say I blame her….

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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ballsofsteelandfury

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Wakezilla

You can acknowledge a person of the same sex is good looking and it not be a lesbian crush. Now, if she said she’d sit on her face, then you’d be onto something

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m mostly just joking. Mostly.

(And if she said that, I’d have had a stroke on the spot)

LemonJello
LemonJello

In front of your mother? Animal. Take that sinning to your room!

theeWeeBabySeamus

NOT THAT KIND OF STROKE YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!

Sick fucker.

Wakezilla

If she said that, we’d all have a stroke too. Your mom looks like Monica Bellucci, right?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Honestly, when my mom was young, she was better looking than that.
My father, who was just as ugly as I am, definitely did a good when he tricked her into marrying him.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

They just clubbed the woman over the head and dragged them back to the cave in his day, didn’t they?

scotchnaut

Think I’ll go over to my fantasy site and talk shit about my Ridley pickup and insertion into the lineup. Shit like that always goes over well.

yeah right

The only good from yesterday, well the Packers lost too so the other good thing was covering my 2 team parlay. We’ll make some money out of it at least.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Gonna go 0-3 in Fantasy. That’s bad.

But I cashed in all of my DFS lineups. That’s good.

The Patriots lost. That’s bad.

Anyone have some frogurt?

Senor Weaselo

It does come with free toppings!

litre_cola

No lines I got 5 games right yesterday but won my fantasy matchups so I have that going for me!
Will the Yinz actually show up tonight????

Horatio Cornblower

Watching the post-loss New England taeks on TV today is goddamn glorious. This “working from home” thing rules.

So far the hawtest taek is the not-so-subtle implication that Tawmmy Dreamboat is so upset at the Patriots giving him nothing to work with that he’s throwing people under the bus, (true), and might not finish the season, (false).

theeWeeBabySeamus

You want a bizarro world fact? The Ravens have the second best point differential in the league (Rammmmit!!!!! being first).

Ian Scott McCormick

I spent 15 minutes rage texting my dad about the Giants game (he was watching golf). I told him how much I hated the coaching staff and how badly the team sucks. Then he asked me what the score was. “They’re up 11 in the 4th. SOOOO?”
I stand by my takes.

blaxabbath

Wife came in while I was watching the Cards yesterday. She’s been in earlier when they were up 14-0 and gave me the, “But I thought you said the Cardinals sucked and we’re gonna lose.” “They do and they will. You’ll see,” I responded before the VISA Halftime Show.

Then the Bears kicked a fg to take the lead with like two mins left. Rosen put on his Dark Helmet rig and my wife says that it’s good they’re going to him right? “Yes,” I say, “Because they suck and are going to lose anyways. So it doesn’t really matter.”

That said, Rosen seemed to take the whole thing in stride which, on the one hand, seems very grounded but — much more likely — means this smart kid has realized his best potential for retirement accounting is to just not get emotionally tied up in the franchise that drafted him and, instead, try to sell that he’s got talent and maybe get another shot in the NFL a few years down the road when his rookie contract is over and the team is [hopefully] moving to LA.

Don T

The Tits are winning with coaching! This is indeed a disturbing* universe.

* Mah kind of disturbing.