2018 Quotables – Week 5 (Submissions)

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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No talk. On to the action.

 


As a new father myself, I find these 2018 Steelers quite likeable.

“How do I reach these keeedz?”

Stupid temporarily-likeable JJ Watt….

Presented without comment

I’d tell Christian Kirk to act like he’s been there before but he never has and, so long as he’s on his Cardinals contract, likely never will again.

Bortles going all business-decision in the first half…

Digging this lady’s Marvin Lewis head.

Football players knowing how to run basketball drills. Have you ever heard of such a thing?!
blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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Game Time Decision

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Where’s the flag?
-Clay Mathews

SonOfSpam

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Scott hasn’t been the same since VH1 cancelled “Rock Show”

SonOfSpam

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And here we see Gronk trying to make his fingers fing.

Redshirt

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Chiefs aren’t 5-0 by luck. They don’t even play Dalton for two weeks but they’ll already practicing Tip Drills.

Redshirt

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What did this guy do in a past life to be assigned concurrent Bengals and Dolphin fan allegiances?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

He was Dick Nixon in his last life.

Downfield Matriculator
Downfield Matriculator

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During the bye week, the spell holding together Fitzmagic slowly began to weaken, revealing him to be an unholy combination of Dalton and Tannehill

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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These Bortles impressions are scary good

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t know if this is gonna win, but it sure as hell did make me laugh.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“YEAH! I hit that QB harder than a handjob from an angry downhill skier!”

Petronel
Petronel

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I WILL HUG HIM AND PET HIM AND SQUEEZE HIM AND CALL HIM JUJUBE

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Do you want to change your name to JuJu Junior? Your friends can call you JuJuJu!”

King Hippo

goddamn that’s good

Petronel
Petronel

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OK…I can do this…I just read “The Art of the Baldfaced Lie” last Wednesday…I can deny that any of this is happening, and if I do it loudly enough at the postgame presser…yeah, that’s the ticket.

Petronel
Petronel

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Today on ‘Gronk Explains It All’, we tackle the hardest question yet…

What the FUCK is Grimmis?

*crickets*

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I thought Grimmus was a creature made out of pure purple drank.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Behind a dumpster, Ryan Leaf stirs…

ballsofsteelandfury

He’s totally a brother!

– Burton Guster

Downfield Matriculator
Downfield Matriculator

You know that’s right

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Even money this guy can’t read.

Game Time Decision

I’ll take that bet
– King Hippo

King Hippo

psssssschaw, I ain’t even get teh shakes until +268 ,, smh

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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“I’ve got three years invested in Brett Hundley, two years invested in Joe Callahan, the quarterback room is exactly where it needs to be, okay?”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Now, now, Winchester, the angle of your finger is all wrong.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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“………….HE STOLE MY BIT! THAT’S MY BIT! OOH, OOH, HE STOLE MY BIT!” — A patch of grass in Oakland

Enrico Pallazzo

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Finally, the NFL has replaced Tim Tebow as their kneeling Christian.

King Hippo

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And the Blaxxy (no ofence) for Best Fat GuyDOWN of the Week goes to…

King Hippo

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Hello Darkness mah old friend…

King Hippo

Sorry to interrupt, but we have a HORSE BALLS sighting in Buffalo!!

nomonkeyfun

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Bortles blithely bounces back and becomes the Bortlesest Bortles being, benificently be-knighting bloviation before blowing away.

nomonkeyfun

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“Thank God it wasn’t Adam Thielen. We can’t have any of that miscegenation.”

J. Richardson

nomonkeyfun

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“Why does everyone love 69 so much. Those ladybros are old and wrinkly.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“I’ll call this ‘Buried Treasure’ no, wait; ‘Organ Harvest’ uh, no…too murder-y. Oh, why didn’t I think about this more!?!”

nomonkeyfun

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“Should I let my QB who has the improv of Favre and the discipline of Brady have a say in the offense…Nah, let’s run on 2nd and 30. Followed by a naked bootleg with one man going out to catch the ball on 3rd and 10.”

nomonkeyfun

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This is why the NFL doesn’t like black QBs. They’re afraid they might have to fine a white man for hitting a black one.

Petronel
Petronel

“Go on…”

-C. Newton, C. Kaepernick

Downfield Matriculator
Downfield Matriculator

Oh, now it all makes sense

– Clay Matthews

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This isn’t even funny. It’s just true.

nomonkeyfun

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“If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I’m still waiting, it’s all been basically to seduce women.”
-J. Sartre

LemonJello
LemonJello

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♫ Hello darkness, my old friend ♫

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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See Dad, that minor in Interpretive Dance is actually useful!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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STEVE NELSON: Hey, where’d the hot potato go?

ANDY REID: [muffled] I don’t know.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like… tears in rain. Time to die.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Even the Suicide Squad was unwilling to accept Captain Dolphin as a member after so many credible allegations of attempted rape emerged.

Current polling gives him a safe lead as the Republican candidate in Florida’s 25th District.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

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“Verdomme … ik had bij het ontbijt een tweede bord wafels moeten krijgen”

Oh shit! I have gone native…I need to get home…

LemonJello
LemonJello

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I haven’t seen this many Chiefs play “Hot Potato” since that last multi-jurisdictional officer involved shooting!

Game Time Decision

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“Home game”, hahaha

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Competitive game.” hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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Some one go tell Coach we need to reboot the Gronkbot.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

OR – Meet the new poster boy for the anti-vaxxers.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

He’s been poked with needles so many times that even I would pick up the antivax flag with a little push.

Game Time Decision

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What PED’s?

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Bortles balks at bashing bodies with a bruiser. “Bedlam and balderdash!” he blurts.

Game Time Decision

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sharts, sniffs
Good one

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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If you listen carefully, you can just hear the sounds of Alexis Texas bouncing up and down and banging two Bud Light cans together, forever on loop in Gronk’s mind.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“I’m not one to object to a man falling to the ground in front of a pair of feet, but…not like this, Blake. Not like this.” – Rex Ryan

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“…but how come they don’t make the whole *plane* out of the black box…?”

Game Time Decision

or if a tree falls in a forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

LemonJello
LemonJello

“You could get a good look at a T-bone steak by sticking your head up a cow’s ass, but you should just take the butcher’s word on it.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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MIKE MCCARTHY: Other than a few minor miscues, I thought the team looked decent today.

JOSEPH WELCH: I haven’t seen a McCarthy with such a misconception of what qualifies as “decent” since…well, ever.

Game Time Decision

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The Washington Generals are looking to sign a few new players

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Coach Tomlin will be looking into cancelling someone’s German cable package after these antics.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“Mom, why do you have to embarrass me with your behavior whenever we go to a game?”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Mike Pence was so scandalized by this perversion that he had to leave the stadium to get some air.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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*thought bubble*
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*thought bubble audibly pops*

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Well, Kratos somehow being both a Bengals and ‘Fins fan certainly explains why he wants to kill everyone all the time.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“No talk. On to the action.”

I didn’t realize Darren Sharper had internet access in prison.

ballsofsteelandfury
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I think you know the answer to that.
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