Some weeks just shit all over you. This was one of them. Herein lies part of the week’s tale.
All season long, Yinzburgh has shown their asses about Le’Veon Bell, in the most unappreciative, unsolidarity, anti-labour, Company Man way. I am sure it has made the Ginger Hammer hard enough to cut glass. Yesterday, he showed his partial appreciation through his officiating minions with an absolute gift of a stolen win from the Striped Pylons in Cincy. A late Beatie Mixon TD indeed left too much time on the clock, but the Bungles D had just forced 4th and 10 on the Stillers’ end of the field. But noooooo….bullshit holding call, that even Dan Fouts admitted was nonsense on replay, broke their backs. Followed two plays later by a blown obvious downfield block (OPI) on the winning TD pass (h/t, Mr. Ayo), so they didn’t even have to attempt a long FG. Get fucked just as badly as the P*ts, you assdicks.
FWIW, I went to sleep at halftime of their ass-y fixture, after reading enough to calm down. Sony Michel is legitimately a game-changing player, and everything in the world is terrible. At least anyone who bet on the P*ts lost (except a handful of mid-week pushes), too. FUCK YOU.
At least we have J Peterman’s return to laugh at/with. He actually threw a really nice Q4 TD pass, giving Buffalo a brief 13-10 lead. But the 500s tied it late, after fucking up 1st and goal near the 1, as the 500s are wont to do. NO FEAR, J Peterman is here! One pick six later (this was inside of 1:40), and you have the final 20-13 margin). He actually almost threw another one – but his OL ran down the pickerceptor.
Oh, those wacky Bearistocrats! They got a workable margin in Little Havana, but couldn’t hold it, leading to a back and forth PLANTAINCAKES fixture that included missed FGs, mutual fumbles inside the 1, and lots of peoples going WHO?? at LOLfins WR Albert Wilson. It was weird. Anyway, Brock Lobster gets his random win, 31-28 at the OT gun.
25-degree weather can slow down the RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! carnival, after all. Not that the Donks can really do anything WITH that, losing 23-20 in a very deceptively close scoreline. Gurley Man went for a career-high 208 on the ground, and had the team needed 416…no doubt, he could have gotten same. Bradley Chubb had 3 sacks for the home side, which made me briefly happy.
SeaTruthers went to London (no doubt for some Weird Mysteries fun), and kicked That’s My Raiders! teeth in, 27-3. Rumour is they made poor Derek Carr cry, but we all know it’s because Morrissey didn’t pick up the tickets Carr left at Will Call. BAD MOZ.
The Jest forced like 15 Humps turnovers, overcoming the dozen or so they made of their own, beating Indy 42-34. 1-5 is a fair representation of the Gravy folks’ quality – this is a sad, sad footballing unit. Whereas Todd Bowles may have something with this group. Quincy Enunwa being ded isn’t gonna help, though.
Captain Dingleberry was hilariously bad, but Birdcano was worser. 27-17, Vikes. Look who found theyselves a running game!
Shitty Clippers went to BelieveLAND and put a hurting on #ThePauls. I told you this week was hopeless.
Even the Black Panthers lost to the League’s most notoriously open racialists, 23-17. I just can’t even.
More who gives a fuck-y – Atlanta beat Tampa 34-29. Sounds like a good match! But it really wasn’t. I don’t recall a single thing about it, except for Judge Ito scoring again.
Balmer pistol whipped the Tits 21-nil, notching a franchise record 11 sacks in the process. And here I was thinking OL was TN’s strength? Perhaps I just know nothing, even more than usual.
Last and least, Even Week Jaguras are officially NOT a thing, having lost 40 to goddamned 7 in Jerral World. Just….fuck.
HAIL GIANT METEOR
Just got to read this. Bad Moz is hilarious.
I am taking a gambling sabbatical for a few weeks.
This is bet and FF losing anger pure and simple, otherwise it would have been an average unpredictable week in the NFL.
I really want to bet on the Iraqis to take down the House of Saud (exhibition Lesser Footy). Pondering 1st half v, whole match #GAMBLOR.
For a second there, I thought KH had perfected time travel and was headed back to the 1990’s…
Hippo would pull an Old Biff if he perfected time travel, or just stay back when you could by laudanum by the gallon over the counter.
Iraq lost their 1-nil lead in added time. Good thing I didn’t bet, inshallah.
I can state for an absolute fact that I am not afraid of Hell if there is one.
I am currently sitting at the DMV and there is no fucking way possible that Hell would be any worse.
Jesus Christ.
Hell is the DMV, staffed by employees fired from DMV for incompetence.
The whole CA Real ID/DMV debacle is insane. I spent three hours to get my license. Did my title transfer at AAA to avoid that shit.
My license is expiring in February and I have to go in to get it renewed soon and gonna have to go through that too. There will be blood.
AZ licenses good til you’re 65.
Because once not-a-Mexican, always not-a-Mexican.
I tried to do the REAL ID thing and they didn’t accept the copy of my birth certificate that I ordered from the fucking state of Texas records. So after the DMV I’ve been running in fucking circles ordering a new one and finding a notary and all this other bullshit so I can go back to the goddamn DMV when I get the new certificate in 2 fucking months.
Fuck it I’m going to the movies.
Fuck Real ID, just carry a passport.
They accept a W-2 printout.
that’s just fucking BEAUTIFUL
Looking at the standings, I absolutely need the AFC North to claim both Wild Card spots, because I don’t think anyone else is going to keep the Football Clippers out of the playoffs otherwise in this shitty conference, except for, you know, the Football Clippers themselves.
I absolutely think that will happen. The Shitty Clippers won’t get in unless KC melts down, which, given it’s Andy Reid, could happen.
ANDY REID HAS COACHED MASTERFULLY THIS SEASON, GODDAMNIT
/Balls just wants a HippoSTROKE
Don’t forget about the Dolphins!
“The who?”
— Trent Green
Hamilton Nolan sucks. That is all.
Brandon Perna channels mah anger (but funnier) and is fully on the Swag Wagon!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYZWillk_wE
His anger is almost as good as yours……
From Gary Gramling’s “Sunday Freakout” over on SI.com:
Welcome to Early Brock-Tumn: Like “Autumn.” The season. That’s the best anyone can do with his name this time of year.
Remember: this guy gets paid to write about football, people, and probably paid well (median salary for Senior Editor with SI: $76k/year)… and the best he could do was “Brock-Tumn.”
Jeez — Hippo should be making $200K.
Which would last like about three paychecks and then…overdose.
he couldn’t even manage to LOLfinagle a psychobilly reference? Pssssschaw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qn4lJqbv7So
I mean Ostplan is right there. And things will turn out as well for Miami as is did for the Germans.
They’re Ost-Rich
#RedforEd is the pro-school tagline creates earlier this year when other states’ teachers balled up and striked. In AZ, they did a couple little “everyone call in sick” days but, overall folded when they got some meager deal (that the state House still tried to insert a poison pill into before an 11th hour vote) while everyone in the state was like, “Strike! Make those fuckers at the state house put up or shut up! Do it!”
Arizona sucks at education. Funding isn’t necessarily the main reason we suck at it but it’s a primary shackle as to why we can’t fix it (think of it as being handed a 21 point 4Q deficit and the state mandates John Elway staffs the QB room you can work with to mount the comeback). I saw educators holding signs and making shirts and canvassing and all. When they approached me to fucking sign a petition at the library I was like, “you guys need to strike. You fucking had them. You had them by the balls and you went soft. And now you think an expensive proposition campaign is the way to solve this? You’re out of your minds. You need to care as much about squeezing cash from the state as every developer, church, and contractor in this state is. You guys seriously dropped the ball being so weak.” I was literally mid-rant and like four other educators in their group (I was talking to a girl in her 20’s, probably) — who were old — were like, “yeah, exactly!”
Anyways, point is that I’m all for improving education, taking care of educators, and fighting for it. But the extended campaign for school funding is wearing on me (as I told them it would wear on everyone while the ‘greedy teachers’ ads began firing up #thehaters). Then this morning a chick with a #redfored window decal cut me off THEN flipped me off because she’s a dumb bitch for not knowing her exit was coming up.
So fuck them. blaxito is getting a private education anyways (where you can read ANY BOOK). You can just call me Blaxy DeVos now because I’m all for destroying the education system, environment, and selling any Mexican babies who show up at our boarder into child sex trafficking (in order to “secure the boarder’ you see).
So THAT’s how the Mexicans will pay for the wall!
That cash is getting grifted straight to Trump/Neilsen/Kelly. Mexico ain’t paying for that wall.
Of course not; if it ever even gets fully constructed, I expect it to be made primarily of hate mail papier mache and pipe cleaners spray painted to look like metal. In the immortal words of The Operative from Serenity, “I am not a moron.”
The funny thing is that the labour used to build it will come from Latinos because white people don’t work construction no more because white parents think the trades are beneath them and want their snowflakes to go to college and major in History of Basketweaving.
Not to disrupt your rant, but most of the children showing up at the border and requesting asylum are from El Salvador, Guatemala, and Honduras.
Coincidentally, the countries most affected by US foreign policy propping up dictators and shitty governments because it’s good for corporate profits.
Corporations are people, too. The Supreme Court SAID so.
I have the feeling the U.S. is *really* going to regret treating them that way when the singularity hits and corporations become self-aware.
Yeah, like I said, Mexican.
I was reading this and thinking that it reinforced a good number of Arizona stereotypes:
Bad education system
Old people who are “fed up” with things today
Terrible drivers
All that was missing was a dash of racism and… [reads last paragraph] THERE WE GO!
Sill was right….. about the one thing anyway.
Isn’t it a crazy coincidence that the Patriots didn’t get flagged for a single penalty last night? What are the odds?
“Haven’t seen ‘em but I’ll take ‘em!”
-K. Hippo
Of course they didn’t get flagged for any penalties, because they didn’t commit any. Committing penalties is what distracted losers do.
It would be an interesting stats project (paging Dr. Zymm) to take a look at how many penalties individual players who have played with the Patriots and elsewhere get and if their flags skyrocket when they leave Bill’s dark embrace.
Except it would reinforce the “Patriot Way” narrative that they coach players to play the right way.
Which, if you think about it, is really fucking racist as apparently only white coaches can get those black folk to act right.
And you wonder why I stopped watching? Only you good folks keep me tangentially tied to this game.
There are a disproportionate number of minority coaches and, those with longevity are (I think) just Lewis, Rivera, and Tomlin. Lewis is obviously not the poster boy for maintaining a well-discliplined roster. I think Rivera, for having a tough D annually, would have a better-than-average behaved squad (insert Cam dig). Tomlin, I’m not sure but PIT is always enjoying some brand of home-cooking which could influence the results.
Though this is a bullshit test. Succesful coaches have less penalties; bad coaches (who get canned fast) do.
Disproportionate to what?
To roster makeup.
Judging by your interaction in the open threads you are watching or at least listening. Pretty much any sport worth watching has its own similar bullshit, boxing, MMA, NBA, NCAA, ARF……but if you like the sport you can tune that out and still enjoy it. You seem to still play FF, have a lot of opinions on players and teams, etc. “Tangentially”…. riiiiiiiight.
They were flagged for their first one in the fourth quarter…and it was an offsetting penalty. What a load of shit.
Odds DAK DAK DAK returns to (shitty) form? Even money?
“Haven’t seen ‘em but I’ll take ‘em!”
-K. Hippo
I don’t know if the big boards at the Sports Book have enough digits in their displays
Agreed. Week 6 was thoroughly dispiriting. What a comprehensive ass beating by the Ratboids.
Nothing worked for the Tits! Unless this was TEN’s gameplan:
Plantaincakes! ????
My only issue with the way this season is going is that the Jets aren’t going to get to play J Peterman, considering how the defense is shaping up, that would have been a turnover frenzy. Instead, the first Jets-Bills matchup will be a 9-6 bore of a game, and there will be HAWT TAEKS all day about who the better rookie QB will be when all is said and done.
Dammit, I wanted to see 15 actual INTs in a game, and a final score that looks more like a WNBA basketball game.
That’s some good quality Monday morning hate Hippo.
Know what? You lousy bastards get to a fixed AFC Title match against the Yinzers (which I won’t watch)? I would hope you win. At least you OWN your evil, and to my knowledge, Dreamboat ain’t never rape anybody.
With the exception of Aaron Hernandez, we’re pretty much lawful evil.
“Breaking the law is a distraction. DO YOUR JOB (like I do your mom’s, grumble grumble)”
The 2018 NFL season has been very 2018-heavy as of late.
Imagine if the Chefs hadn’t traded Albert Wilson, with that raw speed, to Miami. Also, imagine the Chefs finding a way to get Chris Conley, also an athletic super freak, more involved. Terrifying.
yes we get it – you are chubbed when the one thing that gets us through our miserable fucking lives turns to shit. GOODY for you.
My solace is the rising tide of FEVER around the LA basin, as RRRRRRRRAM IT!! 19-0 continues unabated.
There is another…
