Some weeks just shit all over you. This was one of them. Herein lies part of the week’s tale.
All season long, Yinzburgh has shown their asses about Le’Veon Bell, in the most unappreciative, unsolidarity, anti-labour, Company Man way. I am sure it has made the Ginger Hammer hard enough to cut glass. Yesterday, he showed his partial appreciation through his officiating minions with an absolute gift of a stolen win from the Striped Pylons in Cincy. A late Beatie Mixon TD indeed left too much time on the clock, but the Bungles D had just forced 4th and 10 on the Stillers’ end of the field. But noooooo….bullshit holding call, that even Dan Fouts admitted was nonsense on replay, broke their backs. Followed two plays later by a blown obvious downfield block (OPI) on the winning TD pass (h/t, Mr. Ayo), so they didn’t even have to attempt a long FG. Get fucked just as badly as the P*ts, you assdicks.
FWIW, I went to sleep at halftime of their ass-y fixture, after reading enough to calm down. Sony Michel is legitimately a game-changing player, and everything in the world is terrible. At least anyone who bet on the P*ts lost (except a handful of mid-week pushes), too. FUCK YOU.
At least we have J Peterman’s return to laugh at/with. He actually threw a really nice Q4 TD pass, giving Buffalo a brief 13-10 lead. But the 500s tied it late, after fucking up 1st and goal near the 1, as the 500s are wont to do. NO FEAR, J Peterman is here! One pick six later (this was inside of 1:40), and you have the final 20-13 margin). He actually almost threw another one – but his OL ran down the pickerceptor.
Oh, those wacky Bearistocrats! They got a workable margin in Little Havana, but couldn’t hold it, leading to a back and forth PLANTAINCAKES fixture that included missed FGs, mutual fumbles inside the 1, and lots of peoples going WHO?? at LOLfins WR Albert Wilson. It was weird. Anyway, Brock Lobster gets his random win, 31-28 at the OT gun.
25-degree weather can slow down the RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! carnival, after all. Not that the Donks can really do anything WITH that, losing 23-20 in a very deceptively close scoreline. Gurley Man went for a career-high 208 on the ground, and had the team needed 416…no doubt, he could have gotten same. Bradley Chubb had 3 sacks for the home side, which made me briefly happy.
SeaTruthers went to London (no doubt for some Weird Mysteries fun), and kicked That’s My Raiders! teeth in, 27-3. Rumour is they made poor Derek Carr cry, but we all know it’s because Morrissey didn’t pick up the tickets Carr left at Will Call. BAD MOZ.
The Jest forced like 15 Humps turnovers, overcoming the dozen or so they made of their own, beating Indy 42-34. 1-5 is a fair representation of the Gravy folks’ quality – this is a sad, sad footballing unit. Whereas Todd Bowles may have something with this group. Quincy Enunwa being ded isn’t gonna help, though.
Captain Dingleberry was hilariously bad, but Birdcano was worser. 27-17, Vikes. Look who found theyselves a running game!
Shitty Clippers went to BelieveLAND and put a hurting on #ThePauls. I told you this week was hopeless.
Even the Black Panthers lost to the League’s most notoriously open racialists, 23-17. I just can’t even.
More who gives a fuck-y – Atlanta beat Tampa 34-29. Sounds like a good match! But it really wasn’t. I don’t recall a single thing about it, except for Judge Ito scoring again.
Balmer pistol whipped the Tits 21-nil, notching a franchise record 11 sacks in the process. And here I was thinking OL was TN’s strength? Perhaps I just know nothing, even more than usual.
Last and least, Even Week Jaguras are officially NOT a thing, having lost 40 to goddamned 7 in Jerral World. Just….fuck.
HAIL GIANT METEOR