As Beastmode Ate My Baby is off on another top-secret government mission,
it falls to me, another Seahawks season ticket holder and the writer of the Seahawks 2018 season preview this year, to provide an update on the team everybody used to hate.
At their bye, the Seahawks are 3-3 – not entirely unexpected but they could easily be 4-2 or even 5-1 if a couple of bounces had gone their way. Just as likely, they could also be 2-4, if other teams had had better QBs.
- September 9 – lost to Denver 27-24 – they should have won that game, but shit away their chances
- September 17 – lost to Chicago 24-17 – this score flatters Seattle, as they were playing catch-up from deep behind most of the game
- September 23 – beat Dallas 24-13 – no complaints here, aside from being unable to actually attend the game
- September 30 – beat Arizona 20-17 – this score flatters Seattle, as they refused to pull away from the Cardinals, and let them stick around
- October 7 – lost to the Rams 33-31 – they had every chance to win this game, but Pete Carroll channeled his previous coaching experience with the Patriots and time-managed the game away
- October 14 – beat Oakland 27-3 in London
Also, they have played four of their first six on the road, wake up from their bye in Detroit,
and don’t have another home game until November 4th, when they will take on Marmalard & the Chargers. For a team that has been dependent upon the home field advantage the last decade or so, the slow start & numerous road games could have had the cumulative effect of psychologically ending their season early.
Instead, they have achieved a level of cromulence that could leave them well outside the playoff race but near-enough to .500 that it might convince Carroll & Co. to consider that everything is a-okay.
Russell Wilson has been masterful in keeping the offence alive & on the field. He hasn’t been hit nearly as much as everyone thought he would be. (Hell, a good portion of the fan base thought he’d be dead by now, and we’d be watching Brett Hundley guide the team out of the playoff race as masterfully as he performed the task last year in Green Bay.) It helps that they are using most of the same O-line players for a second year in a row, a marked departure from their usual recruiting process of seeing who university teams left behind after playing the Huskies up at U-Dub.
Plus, they seem to have discovered a running-back-by-committee structure that works for them, with Chris Carson taking on a good chunk of the workload while Rashaad Penny learns how to be a pro. It’s still too bad they broke Thomas Rawls, because he was all set to be L’il Beastmode.
As for the defence, well…
Oh, and Paul Allen died on Monday,
so expect a commemorative patch on the jersey, which means something new to add to the collection. I can’t wait to see it on the 12 jerseys.
Looking ahead to the rest of their schedule, here’s what you can expect: 
- October 28 – at Detroit – should win
- November 4 – home versus the Chargers – surprise loss
- November 11 – at Rams – probable loss
- November 15 – home to Green Bay – surprise victory
- November 25 – at Carolina – probable loss
- December 2 – home to San Fran – should win
- December 10 – home to Minnesota – probable loss
- December 16 – at San Fran – probable victory
- December 23 – home to Mahomes – probable loss
- December 30 – home to Arizona – should win
I’m predicting they go 5-5 the rest of the way, earning an 8-8 record, falling outside the Top-10 draft selections, and lots of talk about “turning the corner” so the season ticket waiting list doesn’t drop from 15,000 to zero. They will achieve a ticket price increase without increasing the cost to season ticket holders by cutting the face value of the pre-season games, keeping the “standard” ticket prices the same, and increasing the face value of the “premium games”. Given that next year’s known opponents are the AFC North & NFC South, it looks like the “premium” home games will be the Ravens, Saints, and the NFC North same-place finisher.
At least they go visit the Browns.
For all the talk of the lost Boom members, Bennett, etc., the D has played really well and the O line with grown-ass men additions Fluker, Brown and Sweeznasty have been great run blocking and not a liabilty any more. Moore can grow into a solid option out wide and they could be sniffing wild card. I can’t imagine the Vikings winning in Seattle with that turd of a QB. He’ll throw for 400 yards and toss a pick at the end to lose it. Small man syndrome doesn’t look good on a quarterback.
I think Cousins is 6’3″ and around 215, but Turd Cousins is a damn good name and may….. stick. That said; he may have a small penis, I have no knowledge. Maybe Adam Schefner does.
It’s not the height or weight that makes a man small. It’s the withered phallus and lack of confidence. And the giant purple Hummer. And the pathetic mewling need to prove yourself. A franchise man knows he’s the best. He needs not shout it at the rafters in a dank stadium crawlspace. Turd Cousins is a swell name though, yes.
Russell Bo-Bussell, bud, let me tell you what it’s been like watching the shithawks dominance. When it looked like the fourty-shitters were going to be the class of the division for a decade, Jed York had to come in there and shit all over that franchise, firing their coach and forming a shit-alliance with the other owners to collude against Colin Kaepernick. But who would benefit the most from mistreatment of a black man? Liberals, Bo-Bussell, it’s always white liberals. So while Arizona continued their century of despair, RAMMIT went into loooooonnnngggggggg term rebuilding mode, and Shit Francisco burned, Shitattle won a title, shoulda-won a title, and then remained “the team to beat in the West” even after having to pay Wilson big shitbucks, slowly losing LOB, and staffing the roster each year as if they expect offensive lines to be outlawed by the rules committee at the end of every preseason. Personally, I’m glad they’re in a slow fade. It’s no fun to hate a team because their star player retired on top. It’s fun to beat them while they’re down. I was at the game where Kaep threw pick-sixes (inspiring this speakeasy story) on two of his opening drives and, knowing he was on a steep decline, that was a 3 hour party in the stands. I imagine Chicago fans are feeling (guardedly) the same way about Aaron Rodgers right now. Please PLEASE let Russell Wilson run for his life for four more years while every other facet of the team does juuuuust enough to make them uncompetitive. Draft in the middle of the rounds. Execute running back by committee. Go with the linemen you got just cuz, hey, they’re under contract. And, for the love of God, KEEP SELLING 12’S THAT YOU’RE JUST RETOOLING. Keep the slow slide into mediocrity going while RAMMIT builds up and I’ll be plenty happy watching 12’s convince themselves that they’re close to resurgence because, “hey, at least we aren’t ARI or SF” (narrator: “it was the least, in fact”).
Let us celebrate Paul Allen’s life and death:
At least their trip to London went well.
the awful ink in this post is awesome. most of it’s making me cringe
Oh, the Seachickens, good enough to pretend but not to contend.
Steve Zorn or GTFO!!
/ah thought yew were proper old ,, smh
Well, there are not as many pictures of Zorn looking like a complete duffus. Krieg lasted longer in the NFL for more teams. So plug it.
OOOP, wait; here’s this gem:
see, Moose, ah had MOAR faith in yew then yew did!!
No, there is a book’s worth of duffus Krieg pics from multiple teams. I didn’t realize they used Zorn and “Broke jaw” Largent for a state lottery commercial.
I would beg to differ.
You mean duffus, right? Well, I’d differ in that this photograph make him appear as an ASSHOLE, not a duffus, but obviously it can be both.
*Longer as a PLAYER.
I might go 9-7 and if they can get another one in to 10-6…….
Whatever the result, we can only hope Hippo loses some dollars.
I ordinarily go with hope in one hand, shit in the other, see which gets full first – but hope probably wins in this rare instance.
/also SeaTruthers are WEIRD and I don’t like betting their fixtures. Charmslinger makes them too dangerous (no pun intended).
I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes trying to think of something (positive or negative) to say about the Seahawks. I’ve still got nothing. This year they are the West Coast’s answer to the Houston Texans. They aren’t bad, but they aren’t good, and this season will go down in the books as entirely irrelevant in franchise lore.
You mean like 1976-2002?
Dave.
they should have won that game, but shit away their chances
HA! That was the game they were trying to get Wilson killed.
15K waiting list? That is a low number for the vaunted #12!
The team everybody used to hate?
Cheer up! I STILL hate them.