I have a neighbor who is a Saints fan. I’ve hardly spoken to him at all, but for some reason whenever a game is on he is standing in front of my building chain smoking. The last time I saw him was coming home from work on Monday night 2 weeks ago when the Saints were in our the House of Snyder on Indigenous People’s Day, which in no way was planned intentionally. I gave him my usual “Hey man, how’s it going?” as he and a friend lit up another one. “Oh, just watching the Saints fucking screw up again.” I didn’t watch the game, but thanks to a push notification maybe an hour later, I knew the Saints were up big. Looking back now, I talked to him just after 5:30, and the worst the score could’ve been at the time was 3-0, ‘Dacteds. I think even Saints fans have as many misconceptions about their team as the rest of us.

If not for a crazy comeback week one by BloodSugarFitzMagic, the Saints would be 5-0 right now. They are not, as the title quote implies, 5-1, but a paltry 4-1, with wins over #ThePauls, Falcons, Giants and the aforementioned ‘Dacteds. As such, here are some somewhat inflated statements about the team that invented gumbo after Tom Benson accidentally dumped shrimp into the pot they used to boil clean their socks.

Drew Brees is the greatest QB ever!

Well, kinda? Breesus passed the likes of Land Baron von Dick Pic and “No, my forehead looked like that before the HGH and hushed sexual assault” to become the all time leader in passing yardage and completed passes, and it’s about time I can actually feel good about something, anything, NFL related in a long time. All I’m saying, is we are going to elevate those other two idiots and put them in the conversation for best, Drew’s earned as many Superb Owl rings as either of them actually won and at thirty-fucking-nine, is showing no signs of slowing down. The Saints also lead the league in points scored (26) and are third in passing yardage (320).

The Saints defense is good!

This is more an enigma than anything. They are 7th best (1,845) in yards allowed, but still somehow among the worst (26th) in points allowed with an average of 28 per game! This would only make sense to me if they are losing the turnover battle by a wide margin, and they’re as neutral as Switzerland at +5/-5. It’s almost as if teams don’t get much yards against the Saints, but man can they score, like the Wolfman at the paraplegic float during Mardi Gras. Let’s just say the best thing about this defense is that the offense should cover up their issues, since they’re still scoring more than they’re giving up.

Alvin Kamara is the next Le’veon Bell!

Well, I can’t speak to his writing or sitting talents, but Kamara looks to be the franchise running back this team thought they were getting with Reggie Bush, who, the less said about the better at this point. Kamara already has over 1,000 rushing yards through a season and a quarter and 4.8 yards per carry. The only thing holding him back are his attempts per game, lining up behind Drew is going to cut into his playing, along with swatting at the flies circling Mark Ingram. But lo, his carries are already more than half of what he had last year. If this team is going to have much of a chance to seriously contend, it’s going to need to come from AK-41 producing and keeping this team a little more balanced offensively.

The Saints are going to win the NFC South!

Well, maybe. Their schedule has been fairly soft to start the season as previously mentioned. But following their Bye last week, the team has the following some challenges: They start this week in Baltimore who have been surprisingly (mostly) competent. From there, they go to BirdMurderDome for the first time since this happened, host RAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMIT and then go to the Nasty ‘Nati and face the surprisingly (mostly) competent Bengals. Even if they go 0-4 for that stretch, I still think they can default their way into a division title. The last 3 games of the season involve playing the Steelers and the Panthers twice, and that’s where they either go 10-5 and win outright, or 8-8 and probably have the tie breaker over whoever else decided to show up this year from the South.

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