“This Beer Tastes Like Ass!” – The Falcons At Their Bye

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

Hi again. I’m Beerguyrob,

Way back in the recent past – September 3rd, to be precise – the truthiest of truth bombs was dropped on this-here site: The Atlanta Falcons are made up of mostly cheap beer.

If you don’t believe me, just look at their record so far:

  • three wins – over Carolina, Tampa Bay & the Giants, by a combined 15 points
  • four losses – to the Eagles, Saints (OT), Bengals & Steelers, by a combined 40 points

They are right where they should be – #UpForWinning.

Finishing third in their division last year gained them a relatively easy schedule, which they should be able to cruise through given the talent they have. BOY WAS I WRONG! The opener against the Eagles was just an awful game to watch. The Saints were always going to be a tough out, and Drew Brees is playing like he wants to retire after winning ring #2. The Steelers & Bengals are not as good as the Falcons, but that’s how the phrase “shit the bed” was invented. As for their wins, they beat Tampa because their QB rotation isn’t very good; beat the Panthers because Cam wore the wrong hat to the stadium; and only beat the Giants because they found a competent replacement after their kicker got hurt.

As for the rest of the starting lineup, think on this: Julio Jones

doesn’t have a receiving touchdown yet this year. NONE! If I played fantasy, I’d be dead. Matt Ryan has the most gifted receiver this side of Antonio Brown and he doesn’t yet have a receiving touchdown. That might be ass passing or ass playcalling, but whichever it turns out to be, the answer still comes up butt.

Actually, it seems the failure to establish the running game is more likely the cause behind Atlanta having to rely more on the pass. Their 83.3 average ground yards/game ranks them 31st in the NFL, trailed only by the Arizona Cardinals – another team doing its utmost to ruin a potential Hall of Fame running back. Hell, Matt Ryan has one fewer yard & two more touchdowns than Devonta Freeman at this point in the season. They can’t keep anyone in their backfield healthy, and rotating through blocking backs

doesn’t help spread the offence around, leaving it in the predictable hands of Matty Ice, a man who never met a deep ball he shouldn’t throw.

The defence is equal amounts of ass. They rank 30th in the NFL at yards allowed per game (417) and points allowed per game (30.3). They are averaging 2 sacks per game (14/7),  and have only six interceptions on the year thus far. The only thing that has helped them is opposing incompetence on third down; teams have only converted 54% of their third-down attempts against the Falcons. Without that grace, they have the effectiveness of empty beer coolers.

They have already played five home games, and have gone 3-2, meaning they have more road games remaining and fewer in the friendly confines of Megatron’s butthole.

However, given the food options & pricing structure,

perhaps it is better they avoid what comes across as a cursed relationship.

Coming out of their bye, their season rests on winning more than two-thirds of their remaining games. (Going 7-2 gets them to a 10-6 record & a shot at the playoffs.) Breaking the final nine games down into thirds, they come out of the bye to face the [Redacteds], Browns & Cowboys, teams nowhere near them on talent. Yet the Falcons have chosen this season as the one where they will play up, or down, to the level of their opponents. They could easily go 3-0 if they remember who they are, or go 0-3 if they aren’t paying attention.

After those softballs, they then go to NOLA, play the Ravens at home, then travel to the frozen tundra. Of. Lambeau. Field. This is where their mettle will be tested, and 2-1 or 1-2 are equal chances. The final third of their season involves facing the Cardinals at home & finishing on the road against Carolina and Tampa Bay. Their record up to this point will determine the effort they put into closing out the season. If they are close enough for a wild card, they will likely play like world beaters; if they’re out of the race, they’re playing for pride.

Commentists & commentrixes, I present to you the Atlanta Falcons,

    

We’re all still mad at them for blowing that Super Bowl.

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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BrettFavresColonoscopyballsofsteelandfuryMoose -The End Is Well NighblaxabbathSenor Weaselo Recent comment authors
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

This team is exactly what Atlanta deserves. Better than most of the south but not actually quality.

ballsofsteelandfury

“whichever it turns out to be, the answer still comes up butt.”

I’d love to subscribe to your newsletter.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

This is great!

P.S. A 12-ounce Bud Light at Dodger Stadium costs $37.50

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

+tax

Senor Weaselo

$2 for a Coke? Sign me the fuck up!
-Someone who has gone to a sporting event or other entertainment venue in NYC

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That musta hurt.

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blaxabbath

I’ll never get how a Julio Jones can go this long without a fade to the corner or something. Like, throw three corner routes to Jones each time you get inside the ten. If that don’t work, trade him.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Julio’s actually on pace to put up like 1800 yards receiving that year. Not getting the touchdowns sucks, but his fantasy numbers are still pretty good.

Senor Weaselo

At what point do we root for him to break Al Toon’s record of 963 receiving yards in a season without a TD?

blaxabbath

Week 7

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No, he keeps wondering off to be down by the school yard.